“Okay.” I stood up and limped toward the bar.
“Elizabeth!” Esmeralda said.
“What?”
“What’s gotten into you? Sit down! What do you want?”
“I don’t know.” I sat back down. “You pick.”
Esmeralda raised her hand in the air and summoned a waiter. “Two piña coladas, por favor. Heavy on the fruit, please, I’m watching my girlish figure. Gracias!” She smiled and turned back to me. “Number Two. Definitely make out with Cristoph in front of Nick and the tramp. Three. Go home, cuddle your new puppy and get some sleep. And then there’s four.”
“Sounds good,” I said. “I can’t feel my fingers or my toes. Is that normal?”
“Yes that’s normal. It’s called shock,” Esmeralda said.
“Aah,” I said. “I should be able to identify that feeling by now. Okay. What’s four?”
“I’ll call the rest of your Ladies-in-Waiting. We’ll convene. Except for Zara. She texted me that she’s on va-ca in Wisconsin. Something about Dells and brats and beer. She could do all that here. What the hell is she doing in Wisconsin?”
“Not the Dells,” I said. “How long is she going to be in Wisconsin?”
“I don’t know. She doesn’t know.”
Great. That meant Zara wasn’t riding to my rescue anytime soon.
“What do you mean by ‘convene’?” I asked.
“We accept no excuses, we take no prisoners and we kick ass.” Esmeralda lifted her tumbler to mine and we toasted. “Watch this.” She held her glass in the air, plucked a knife off the table and turned toward the royals. “Attention! Atención! Cristoph, get your fine behind over here—pronto!”
Cristoph saluted her and strode toward us carrying his drink.
I stood up and smiled at him as he wrapped his arm around my waist. “Was Ivanka your ex-girlfriend?” I whispered.
He shifted from foot to foot. “You were in the States. We weren’t even going out. A guy has needs…”
“Fellow royals! Have we forgotten our manners?” Esmeralda asked the crowd.
“Girlfriend?” I asked Cristoph through my fake smile. “Or fool-around-girl?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe a little of both.”
“Is?” I asked. “Or was?”
“Was!” Cristoph said. “Definitely was.”
Esmeralda raised her glass. “I propose a toast to the future rulers of Fredonia—Prince Cristoph and his smart, beautiful, funny and charming fiancée—Lady Elizabeth Billingsley.”
The Timmels raised their glasses.
Except for Nick. He tipped back another lager while Ivanka sat so close to him I feared her fake boob would melt into his arm.
Esmeralda faced Cristoph and me. “May your love be long. May your love be true. May your love climb every mountain—”
“You stole that from The Sound of Music.” Nick said.
“And may your love be the Happily-Ever-After—for the both of you. Cheers.” Esmeralda said.
“Cheers!” The royals raised their glasses as they toasted us, and then each other.
Esmeralda clinked her knife against her glass, glanced at me, scrunched her lips and eyes and made kissy faces.
“Cristoph!” I hissed. “Kiss me.”
More knives clinked against glasses.
“Kiss her!” Jeannie squealed and the little ladies giggled.
He hugged me tight and kissed me on my cheek.
“Kiss her for real,” Liam hollered.
I snuck a peek at Nick, who leaned back in his chair and wore a smug grin on his face.
“For the love of God, kiss her like a man,” Royal Nana said. “Or I will blame your American mother for catering to your every whim and raising you to be a precious snowflake.”
Cheree sighed and rolled her eyes.
“Kiss me like you mean it, Cristoph,” I whispered. “Kiss me like the world is ending in one minute and I’m the last person you’ll ever kiss. Kiss me hot, plain and simple.”
“But this isn’t simple. It will never be simple. It’s all very complicated,” he said and squeezed my hand.
“Kiss me like you mean it, or you can kiss our engagement goodbye.”
I think that’s the first time he really looked me in the eyes. And in a heartbeat his look turned from dutiful to smoldering. He wrapped one arm around my waist and tipped me back so I balanced on one foot.
Unfortunately it was my bad foot.
“Ow!” I said.
“Sorry!” He placed his other arm under my knees and lifted me up like I was light as a feather and held me flush against his chest in his muscular arms.
“Oh!” I wrapped my arms around his neck and my lips were inches from his.
He locked his lips on mine and kissed me hungrily, thoroughly, and for a few seconds? He really did take my breath away.
The nobles cheered.
Esmeralda winked at me as Cristoph returned me gently to the ground. I glanced up to see Nick’s reaction. But I could only see the back of him as he left the party, Ivanka trailing behind him.
I stood next to the castle’s front door, Tulip lying on the ground next to me. I held her leash in my hand and regarded Cristoph.
“Something’s come up Elizabeth,” he said. “Do you mind if I don’t drive you home tonight? The bodyguards will drop you off safe and sound.”
“That’s fine,” I said. “I’m exhausted.”
“Good! I’ll see you tomorrow at the event.”
“What event?”
“No one gave you the itinerary?”
I shook my head.
“I’ll get one for you. Tomorrow you’re scheduled to pay a visit to the orphanage, then we get our official engagement picture taken in the rose garden at the palace. After that you’re to peruse flowers, dresses and have your first fittings. Cocktails with the Duke and Duchess of Cambria. And then dinner with the Earl of Plank. And onto the next day.”
“There’s so much to do,” I said.
I silently thanked God this was Elizabeth’s life and not mine.
“Life of a soon to be Princess of Fredonia,” he said. “Unfortunately, because of the land buy-out, we’re on a super tight time schedule.”
“Right,” I said. “But no one’s really explained the land buy-out to me.”
“I’ll add that to tomorrow’s itinerary,” he said. “You did simply wonderful today. No one could have done better. I’m so proud of you.” He pulled me close to him, hugged me and kissed me again. Sweetly, romantically; he even included a little sexy tongue action. But I didn’t feel a thing this time. Not one zing. No tingles. Dang.
Which was good, dammit! Elizabeth was going to marry Cristoph. Not me.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Cristoph. And thank you for everything.” I squeezed his hand. “A girl couldn’t have asked for a more special day.”
Chapter 25
Queen Cheree was true to her word. Every piece of puppy paraphernalia had been delivered to Papa’s condo. Tulip’s kibble, treats and wet food were stocked in the main kitchen. Her crate was in my bedroom. Scoop bags were generously distributed in every room in the house along with paper towels, organic cleaning spray, carpet cleaner and scrub brushes. Puppy toys littered the rooms, as well as the hallways.
I’d fed Tulip, scrubbed the mound of makeup off my face and changed into three hundred count cotton boxer pjs and a lacy tank top. Now I watched my new puppy explore one of the low to the ground plantar boxes on the penthouse balcony as I limped its perimeters, my cell phone pressed against my ear.
“Elizabeth is getting married in less than two weeks, Mr. Philips. Tell me she’s cool with this and will be back here like really soon.”
“Yes, she’s absolutely cool with this,” he said. “Two weeks? They’re really rushing it.”
“It’s because of the contracts—which you all didn’t fill me in on—but I’ll find out more tomorrow.”
“That’s been shrouded in mystery for a while
, so I am as curious as you to know the details.”
“I’m tired, Mr. Philips. I don’t know what to do?”
“I know you’re tired, Lucy. I am too. I’m hoping my physical therapist will clear me for flying in a couple of days. In the meantime, Zara—”
“Zara’s not coming,” I said. “She texted Esmeralda and said she was va-ca-ing in Wisconsin. Apparently she’s at the Dells.” I watched as Tulip squatted in a dirt planter and did her business.
“That’s because she doesn’t want to tell Esmeralda she’s helping the real Elizabeth. Because you’re doing such an excellent job impersonating her that everyone thinks you are Elizabeth. Kudos.”
“But I’m not doing an excellent job, Philips.” I kneeled to scoop puppy poop as Tulip bounded off to chase a toy. “Esmeralda suspects I’m more interested in Nick than Christoph. Nick’s taken up with Cristoph’s ex-girlfriend-tramp-call-girl-slut—whatever.” I dropped the bag of poop into an outdoor trash bin. “I suspect Cristoph’s still interested in Ms. Trampy. And Queen Cheree gave me a puppy.”
“The Queen gave you a puppy?” Mr. Philip Philips squealed.
“Amazing, yes?”
“That means you’re golden with the royal family,” he said. “Oh, God, I can’t wait to get home. Don’t get me wrong—Chicago’s a lovely town but—”
“I know Philips.” Tulip deposited her chew toy on my foot, stared at it and wagged her tail. I leaned down and picked it up. “You miss your home.” I thought of Alida, and Uncle John, and MadDog and The Chicago White Sox. “I miss my home too.”
“Not to rain on your parade,” Mr. Philips said, “but technically this is Elizabeth’s puppy.”
I frowned. “Signing off now. Important royal duties to attend to.”
Like playing fetch with my new puppy.
I threw her toy a few feet. She raced after it, brought it back and deposited it just far enough away from my foot that I had to take one ouchy step in order to pick it up. I tossed it again. She raced, grabbed and returned it.
“Good girl, Tulip! Good girl!”
She barked. I pitched it again a little more vigorously. She bounded back. She was totally into it! Okay fine. I was totally into it. This was way more fun than making my way through a dungeon, having my foot run over and seeing Nick with Trampy McVampy’s boob super-glued to his arm. Until I tossed the toy too high and it lodged in the fence.
Tulip raced to the barrier, parked her butt next to it and yipped.
I put one finger to my lips and limped toward her. “Shh! You don’t want to wake up the household.” Then realized that Papa and Carolina were probably still out on the town. I reached for the toy but couldn’t touch it. Tulip barked.
“Hang on!” I shuffled a few feet, grasped a sturdy lawn chair and dragged it across the concrete until it was flush against the fence. I gingerly climbed onto it and grabbed the toy that was firmly lodged in the protective mesh. “I got it!” I glanced over my shoulder and smiled at Tulip. “Am I a good dog mother or what?”
When the mesh split faster than a run in cheap pantyhose. My arm plunged through it, my chest fell through it, and suddenly I was suspended—almost horizontal—blinking at the twinkling lights twenty-five floors below. “Help!” I screamed. “Someone help me!”
Tulip barked.
“Helga! Anyone? Help!” The mesh unwound—strand by metallic strand—until it hit my waist level. I peered at the pavement thousands of yards below and realized that, based on the way things were going, I would soon be plummeting to my death. Which would not be pretty. And I wouldn’t be able to keep my very first puppy ever.
So. Not. Fair.
I hooked my ankle around the chair, sucked in all my core strength, gritted my teeth and pulled myself back inside the torn fence, saving myself from splattering like an egg on the pavement far below.
I crawled off the chair onto the floor and lay on my back on the cool concrete as my heart raced and I tried to catch my breath. Tulip jumped on top of me and licked my face.
I was safe—for now. When it dawned on me—this probably wasn’t an accident. Someone was most likely trying to kill me—oops I meant Elizabeth.
I plucked the phone out of my pocket and called one number. But all I heard was heavy breathing and “Oh my God!”
“Esmeralda!” I screamed. “Answer your fucking phone! Talk to me! It’s Elizabeth! It’s important.”
“How important,” she moaned, “is important? Because I’m in the middle of a situation. And it’s kind of… important—too.”
“You bet your fine Spanish ass it’s important. Get off the phone,” a guy said. “How many times have I asked you to get off the phone during sex?”
“I thought you wanted me to get off while we were having phone sex?” Esmeralda asked.
“No!” the guy grunted. “Well, maybe. But not right now.”
“I think someone just tried to kill me—important,” I said.
“Oh my God! Where are you?” Esmeralda asked. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I think. I’m scared. Papa’s condo.”
“I’m calling 911!”
“Don’t!” I said. “Maybe it was just a freak accident. I don’t know for sure and I don’t want this on the news.”
“I’m calling 911!” she said.
“If you do I’ll twist your ear off next time I see you…” I said. “…and feed it to my puppy.”
“Fine. I’m sending reinforcements and I’m on my way. Do you need to hide? I have this strange feeling you need to hide for a couple of days.”
I looked at the jagged rip in the protective mesh surrounding the penthouse terrace.
“Yes,” I said. “Hiding would be awesome.”
Minutes later, Esmeralda arrived with the codpiece guard in tow. They quickly collected clothes and sundries, threw them into a few suitcases, grabbed some puppy essentials and checked Tulip and me into a two-bedroom junior suite at the Four Seasons overlooking the Palace grounds. It was like the Drake but a little smaller. A Detective was also on the scene.
“You’ll be safe here, Lady Billingsley,” the guard said.
“Thank you…” I didn’t even know his name. “I’m so sorry. I’ve forgotten my manners. I don’t remember your name.”
“Larry,” he said and bowed to me.
“Thanks Larry, and you don’t need to bow,” I said. “Besides, I’m probably just over-reacting on the death-threat thing.”
“Not according to the cops and the Fredonia Secret Service who are combing your Papa’s condo,” the Detective said. “It appears that mesh fence was deliberately sliced and sabotaged. Who knew you liked to hang out on the penthouse terrace?”
“Papa, Carolina, Helga, Mr. Philips, the paparazzi…” I said. “Everyone? Maybe a Dish Network Installer? I’m sure I’m fine. I’m safe. Go back to your lives.”
The Detective peered at Larry. “You’re staying here tonight?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Call me if there’s any trouble.” He bowed to me. “We’ll get to the bottom of this, Lady Billingsley.”
“Thank you, Detective,” I said as he left the room.
Esmeralda glanced at Larry. “I’m staying here too.”
“I adore you but I need to sleep!”
“And sleep you will,” Esmeralda said. “I slipped half an Ambien in your drink back at the penthouse.”
“That’s why I feel woozy?”
“That and all your adrenaline wore off,” Larry said.
“But where will Tulip do her business?” I asked.
Larry pointed to her leash. “I’ll walk her.”
“Okay, I mean yes. I don’t feel so good, Esmeralda,” I said.
“I know, honey.” She wrapped her arm around me and helped me hobble to a bedroom. “Cristoph e-mailed me your itinerary for tomorrow. I didn’t tell him about the incident. We’ll cross that bridge mañana. Get some sleep. You’ve got the orphans at 11 A.M. and they can be a demanding bunch. You need to
bring your A game. Nighty night.”
The Fredonia Secret Service stepped out of their cars before I did at The Holy Cross Orphanage. The head guy named Tomas, gave me the all clear, and I exited the town car wearing the chaste blue, below-the-knee dress. Lady Cheryl had accompanied me today.
“I’m nervous,” I said. “I don’t know that much about kids.”
“Well then thank your lucky stars I’m here with you: I know a lot. Kids cry and puke and complain. They’re darling, do adorable things and you fall completely, utterly in love with them. And then they do something ornery and mean—like telling their younger sister she was adopted.” Cheryl said. “Kids are the best. If there’s one thing I know—it’s how to mother.”
“That’s your super power,” I said.
“What are you talking about?”
“Esmeralda said my Ladies-in-Waiting have super powers. That’s yours. You’re a great mom!”
“I’m not so sure my girls would agree with you,” Cheryl said.
I greeted the orphans and talked with them. Well actually I didn’t do a lot of talking; instead, I listened.
“And then one day, Mama just died and no one could find my father. My aunt didn’t want me—she said she had more than enough kids. So they sent me here,” one little redheaded boy said.
“That sucks,” I said. “My mom died too. What’s your name?”
“Peter,” he said.
I leaned down toward him. “What do you want to be when you grow up Peter?”
“I want to be a palace guard.”
“I’m friends with a palace guard,” I said. “Do you want me to introduce you? Maybe he could give you some tips?”
“Oh mum!” Peter exclaimed. “That would be the best!” He threw himself on me and hugged me hard.
I hugged him back and heard clicks and pops, as the paparazzi caught the moment.
My hair was coiffed by a hair stylist much nicer then D’Alba. A professional makeup artist did my makeup. An assistant helped me change into a demure silk suit for Cristoph and Elizabeth’s official engagement portrait photo shoot with some fancy photographer and her fluttery assistant.
Part-time Princess Page 17