In The Dark

by Vikki Patis

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t think so. Does he even know she’s back?’ Nobody answers. I pull out my phone and dial his number. It goes straight to voicemail. ‘Maybe his battery died,’ I say to myself. ‘He’ll just be with a friend, I’m sure.’

  ‘Can you call them? His friends?’ Caitlyn asks.

  ‘I-I don’t have their numbers.’ I curse myself for my stupidity, for not keeping a closer eye on him. When Paige was little, nobody had mobile phones. I knew which houses her friends lived at, and could usually find her within five minutes. She didn’t go far. But Seb’s friends don’t live nearby, other than Jodie, and she’s still in hospital.

  ‘When did you last see him?’ Charlotte asks.

  ‘Last night. We – we argued. He went out. I went looking for him at about eleven, I think. I found…’ I pause, not knowing whether to mention what happened to Jodie. I don’t want to bring the police to her door. ‘Someone was hurt, I found them. I went to the hospital with them and got home at about three.’

  ‘Was he here then?’

  ‘I don’t know. I thought so. I thought I saw his shoes. But I can’t have done. I was so exhausted, I just went to bed.’ Guilt ripples through me. How could I have fallen asleep, when Seb was still out there? I should have gone in, checked on him, had that conversation straight away. I should have known he wasn’t here, gone out looking for him immediately.

  ‘Okay,’ Charlotte says, breaking into my thoughts. ‘I think we should try some of their friends. Maybe they stayed the night. Do you have their addresses?’

  Caitlyn nods.

  ‘I know where some of them live,’ I say. ‘I’d recognise the houses, I think.’ I take a deep breath, suddenly overwhelmed. I can’t believe this is happening. Izzy and Seb, both missing? They have to be together. It has to be connected. ‘I’ll just get dressed.’

  I’m about to run up the stairs when I hear a key in the lock. I whirl around to see Seb standing there. ‘Oh, thank God,’ I cry, rushing over and wrapping him in my arms. ‘Where on earth have you been?’

  ‘Sorry, Nan,’ he says, sounding like the Seb I know, the Seb I have raised and loved, and my heart lifts. ‘I’m sorry, for shouting. For everything.’

  I pull back, taking in his face. He looks tired, but something has changed in him. Or rather, something has returned, the recent hardness in his gaze no longer there. It is then that I notice someone hovering behind him. For a second I think it is Izzy, but I don’t recognise the girl standing behind my grandson. ‘Who’s this?’

  Seb clears his throat. ‘This is Sian. We’re going to… Well, it’s a long story, but–’

  ‘Where is she?’ Caitlyn almost collides with me in her rush to get to Seb. ‘Have you seen her?’

  ‘Who?’ Seb asks. He looks between us, bewilderment in his eyes.

  ‘Izzy,’ I tell him. ‘She’s missing. She came back yesterday from Plymouth. Have you heard from her?’

  Seb shakes his head and I hear the breath leave Caitlyn’s body, turn just in time to catch her before she falls. ‘Izzy,’ Caitlyn whispers, her eyes full of fear, and I open my mouth to say something, anything, when another voice speaks.

  ‘I might be able to help.’ I look up to see Sian taking a tentative step forward. ‘I think I know where she is.’

  61

  Izzy

  Izzy walks.

  Her thighs burn, her feet throbbing as she walks along the towpath. The water is calm here, gently lapping against the canal boats, but Izzy knows it is deep and vast, with things hidden beneath the murky surface. She climbs the steps and ducks under the tape that screams KEEP OUT, feels the wooden bridge beneath her feet. They are repairing it, the path closed to pedestrians, and the bridge rocks under her weight. The water is tipped with white foam here, like the waves she saw at Plymouth Hoe, moved by the rushing waterfall at the end. She swings one leg over the railing, then the other, feels the wood peeling beneath her fingers.

  She cannot swim.

  Her phone is switched off, so she does not know the time, but it is early, the sun still low in the sky. She is hidden here, invisible from the main towpath. She and Sian used to come here sometimes, when it was quiet. It was their special place, where they could be themselves. She looks up at the office building to her left, knows that if someone looked out of one of the windows they would see her, see what she is about to do. But there is nobody there. It is early, and the world is still waking up. They are not looking for her.

  She tips her head back, looking up at the pale-blue sky. Clouds drift overhead; a bird circles above her, wings outstretched. A red kite. Seb taught her how to spot them. She closes her eyes against the wave of pain. She cannot bear to think about how she has hurt him, how she always hurts everyone around her. Why is she so selfish? Alicia was right: she is a drama queen. An attention-seeker. Why else would she take that photo? Why else would she go out with a boy she wasn’t attracted to? She has hurt Seb, treated him with disdain by stringing him along, lying to him. She has hurt her mother, knowing she would find her with her wrists cut and doing it anyway. She has hurt her sister, her hand flying out and cracking against her cheek. She has destroyed all of her friendships, twisted everything and turned it to dust.

  For the first time, she allows herself to remember that night, the sleepover at Abby’s house that marked the end of everything. Abby and Jess were asleep, or so Izzy had thought when she’d crawled into Sian’s sleeping bag, their bodies pressed together, minty breath filling the space between them. The softness of Sian’s lips, the way she traced a finger down Izzy’s cheek like she always did, her touch light as a feather. It was risky, the first time they had allowed themselves to be close away from here or the privacy of Sian’s bedroom, her parents out or downstairs, none the wiser. But Izzy had been craving Sian’s touch all evening, had fizzed with delight when Sian slipped her hand into hers while they watched a film, hidden by the darkness.

  And then Abby had woken up and saw them together, laughing at their protestations. Sian pushed Izzy away, fear in her eyes as she turned her back, her words designed to sting, to take the focus off of her. And it worked. Izzy was cast out, no longer a friend but someone to torment, to hate.

  Izzy the outcast, she berates herself silently. Stupid, pathetic, hated Izzy. It is her fault that she is in this mess, no one else’s. And only she can end it.

  She takes a deep breath. The water rushes in her ears, the waterfall pounding against the surface in time with her heart. She releases the railing with one hand, feels herself shift forward. Her breath catches in her throat as she wobbles, regains her balance. Do it, a voice inside her head says. Abby, who has been sending her the messages for months, who won’t leave her alone. Jump.

  ‘Izzy!’ The word rises above the water, above Abby’s voice in her head. Her eyes fly open to see two figures running towards her, ducking beneath the tape, their feet pounding on the bridge. She turns slightly, twisting her head to see who it is, and then her foot slips, and she is falling.

  62

  Seb

  PC Willis drives, Seb squashed in the middle between his nan and Izzy’s mum. Caitlyn is picking at the skin beside her thumb in a way that reminds him of Izzy, and makes him want to reach out and take her hand, but he doesn’t. Instead he turns to Liv.

  ‘I’ve been a shit,’ he says. ‘I don’t know how you put up with me.’

  She smiles sadly, shakes her head. Not here, she mouths. Later.

  Seb nods, knowing that it doesn’t have the same meaning as it used to. Later, they will rebuild their bridges, close the gap which has widened between them. Later, he will tell her how he is back on track, how he never meant to go off course, and she, though he does not know it yet, will tell him about what happened to Jodie, and that she understands now where she went wrong. They are in harmony once again.

  Sian is directing PC Willis from the front seat. ‘I don’t know if you can park there though,’ she says as they take a side road.

  ‘I can par
k anywhere,’ PC Willis says, and Seb almost laughs. She is younger than he first thought, different without her uniform and severe ponytail, closer to his age than he expected. Perhaps he got her wrong, as he has got so many things wrong. Perhaps she isn’t so bad after all.

  ‘Izzy!’ Caitlyn cries, pointing at the figure on the bridge as PC Willis pulls the car over. The breath catches in Seb’s throat at the sight of her. We’re not too late. They scramble out of the car, running towards her. She turns her head as they run along the towpath, and then, suddenly, she is gone. Seb rushes forward, watching in horror as Izzy’s head disappears under the water.

  ‘No!’ Caitlyn cries.

  ‘We can’t all go on there,’ PC Willis shouts over the rushing water. ‘It might collapse. It’s not safe.’

  ‘Izzy!’ Caitlyn screams, trying to push past her. ‘She’s my daughter!’

  While the two women are wrestling, Seb locks eyes with Sian and they begin to run forward in unison, ducking beneath the tape. He hears his nan shout his name, but he ignores her, kicking off his shoes as he runs, preparing to dive in after Izzy, but Sian is faster. She is up and over the railing before he can blink, jumping into the water with a splash. He remembers watching Sian during their swimming lessons, back when they were too young to recognise the things that divided them. She was a good swimmer, and she always helped the teacher hand out inflatables. He doesn’t know why this memory flashes through his mind as he watches Sian dive beneath the surface, her legs kicking against the current, but it feels important. His eyes dart around, searching for them, but the water is like a dark, one-way mirror; he sees only his silhouette reflected back at him, the bridge cutting the weir in half.

  How long have they been down there? Ten seconds? Twenty? He tries to count the seconds, doesn’t pause for long enough in between them, starts again. He glances back at the path below, sees PC Willis coming towards him, his nan holding Caitlyn in her arms, though whether it is for comfort or restraint he doesn’t know.

  ‘I’m going in after them,’ PC Willis says, her shoes already off, but then there is movement, something bursting out of the water. Izzy gasps, spluttering as Sian pulls her towards the edge.

  ‘Grab her!’ she shouts, and PC Willis runs over, scuttling down the side, stones skittering beneath her feet. She leans forward and takes Izzy’s arm, pulling her up and out of the water. Izzy lies on the cement block, still gasping, her body convulsing like a fish. She must be freezing. Seb runs to the edge, takes off his hoodie and hands it to the officer, who wraps it around Izzy, chafing her arms up and down.

  Sian treads water while they help Izzy to her feet, guiding her back towards the bridge. She pulls herself out, kneels there for a moment, the cement block soaking beneath her.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Seb asks Izzy, repositioning the hoodie around her shoulders.

  She nods, her chest still heaving up and down, her body trembling. She turns as Sian clambers back over the railing, her body dripping. ‘Thank you,’ she whispers, her eyes brimming with tears. ‘You saved my life.’

  ‘It was the least I could do,’ Sian says, her chin wobbling, her voice full of barely contained emotion. ‘Since I was the one who pushed you.’ And Seb feels something shift in the air, a wrong righted, a chapter ended, and a new one beginning.

  63

  Liv

  Six months later

  Today’s the day. The big five-oh. I open the card Seb has propped up against the kettle with a smile. He was up and out early this morning, helping Jodie move into her new flat. She has healed well, though she says the scar still itches when it rains. I look out at the dreary November sky and hope she isn’t doing much heavy lifting.

  A piece of paper falls out of the card, fluttering to the counter. I open it, bemused.

  To Nan,

  I’ve made pancakes for your breakfast – they’re in the blue-lidded tub in the fridge – and there’s fresh strawberries. Don’t forget the whipped cream!

  See you at Granny’s for lunch.

  Happy birthday.

  Love, Seb xxx

  I smile, carefully fold the note back up and tuck it into my dressing gown pocket. In the fridge I find everything he promised, and set about making myself a cup of coffee to go with it.

  The post comes as I’m finishing my breakfast. A large pink envelope sits on top, my name printed in familiar block capitals. But this isn’t the one I open first. I skip over it to find the letter I have been waiting for, ripping it open and pulling out the sheet of paper, glancing over it before stuffing it into my handbag. That’s for later.

  I open the pink envelope, smiling at Evelyn’s words. P.S. Lunch at mine next Sunday? she’s written at the end. Yes, I think. Why not?

  I place my cards on the windowsill in the living room, five in total, before going upstairs to get ready. I fluff out my hair and apply lipstick, smiling at myself in the mirror. I don’t look half bad, I think, for a fifty-year-old.

  I drive to Mum’s, listening to the radio, singing along to the words that remind me of when Paige was young and we would dance to Kate Bush in the kitchen, her feet on top of mine, our laughter drowning out the music. I smile, a hand pressed against my chest, feeling her with me. ‘You’d be proud of me, Paige,’ I say aloud, glancing in the rear-view mirror, and for a moment I catch a glimpse of her, her long hair blowing in the wind, a smile playing on her lips. ‘You’d be proud of us all.’

  Anna opens the door, a plastic apron covering her uniform. ‘We’ve just finished getting ready,’ she says as I enter. ‘She’s in good spirits.’

  I smile, make my way into the lounge where Mum is sitting in her chair, her feet propped up. Her hair has been washed and styled, thanks to Jackie. She came over with me the other day, doing both mine and Mum’s hair as a treat.

  ‘Hello, love,’ Mum says, reaching out a hand to me. I take it, feeling her paper skin beneath mine. ‘Happy birthday.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum,’ I say, leaning down to kiss her cheek. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Fine, fine. That lovely girl came over and did my hair. Can you tell?’

  ‘Yes, it looks great.’

  ‘What was her name again?’

  ‘Jackie.’

  ‘Oh, yes. Jackie. You went to school with her, didn’t you, Paige?’

  I smile. ‘Yes, that’s right.’

  Seb joins us half an hour later, arriving just as Anne is leaving. He’s carrying a square box, while Izzy is laden down with two bags. Sian brings up the rear with a FABULOUS AT FIFTY balloon. As I open the door to let them in, I hear a toot and see Caitlyn waving from her car.

  Seeing them all together reminds me of that day six months ago, and everything that happened to bring us to that point. It’s hard to believe that it happened so long ago, and yet, bizarrely, it feels as if no time has passed at all. But I can see it in them, these three young people. They have half a year’s experience on them; it has moulded them, shaping them into the adults they will become. Izzy has forgiven Sian, Sian has forgiven Seb, and I have forgiven myself. For we have all been at fault, at one point or another. I was always looking for Seb’s father in him, waiting with bated breath for the inevitable to happen. I was too quick to see the bad in him, too quick to believe that he might be capable of such cruelty. And so, in the end, it was me who pushed him in that direction, ensuring my fears became a reality.

  The biggest surprise has been Sian. I had only ever heard about how cruel she had been to Izzy, but now she seems like a changed person. She spent the summer doing my mum’s garden, hacking away at the years of neglect and transforming it into a little bit of paradise she can enjoy. She volunteers at the local food bank, and spends her weekends cycling to raise money for charity. She has purpose now, I suppose, something to focus on other than the secrets she was desperate to hide.

  We went with her to speak to her parents, Caitlyn and I. Caitlyn wanted to explain about the bullying, about what Abby had been doing, but also to support Sian in coming out. ‘I don’
t see why anyone should have to “come out” in this day and age,’ Caitlyn said to me afterwards, and I’d silently agreed. But it went well, better than Sian had expected. Just as it should be.

  And I was there to apologise for what Seb had done. He’d explained it all to me – the burglary, the assault – and we’d spoken to Jodie when she came out of hospital, the truth behind it all finally revealed. I couldn’t condone such behaviour, no matter the intentions behind it, and so Seb had to own up and accept whatever consequences came his way. Thankfully, after everything that had happened, Sian’s parents decided not to involve the police, but Seb has been working unpaid in her mum’s salon every Saturday ever since, answering the phone and greeting clients. He quite enjoys it, actually. He’s even thinking of going to college to train as a hairdresser.

  I wave at Caitlyn as she drives away, stepping aside to let the trio inside. They file into the lounge, Seb placing the large box on the coffee table. Izzy brings out paper plates and a bottle of Prosecco, filling plastic cups with the bubbles and passing them round. Mum takes hers with a little chuckle. ‘Fizz, well,’ she says. ‘This is a special occasion.’

  And it is. It might be my birthday, but the special part is that we are all here together.

  ‘I need to go,’ Izzy says later, once slabs of cake have been demolished. ‘Miranda is picking me up soon. Thanks for having me, Liv. Happy birthday.’

  I smile as she kisses my cheek. She is still living with Anthony, despite the revelations. It must have been a difficult conversation, one that is no doubt ongoing, but Izzy seems to be more settled now too. They are all spending Christmas in Plymouth this year, even Caitlyn. They are an unusual family, but it seems to be working, now they are free of secrets and no longer hiding in the dark.