by L A Cotton
“My dad… what the fuck does my dad have to do with this?” He was at the hospital with Mom. He’d barely left her side since she’d woken up yesterday.
“He came over for dinner the other week, remember? We got to talking and he said he was glad you finally came to your senses about her.”
“That’s all he said?” I gave her a pointed look.
“Well, yeah, I mean, he was upset, and you know how men get when they’ve had a drink or two.” Her laughter was strained now.
“Kellie…” My patience was wearing thin, my good mood quickly turning dark.
“Fine.” She huffed as if I was the one inconveniencing her. “He told my father he was glad you’d finally taken out the trash, okay?”
Anger rippled up my spine, my hands curling into tight fists. “And let me guess, you thought you’d pass the message on?”
“I didn’t… I was just trying to help. You can’t honestly want anything to do with her after what she did.”
“Mya didn’t do anything. Fuck.” My eyes frantically searched the hall, but Mya was long gone.
Trash.
He’d called her trash, and Kellie had reiterated the words like a mindless puppet.
Deep down it didn’t surprise me, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear.
“You should leave,” I seethed.
“L- leave?” She blanched. “I don’t understand. I thought—”
“You thought what? That now me and Mya are no longer together, I’d get with you?” A dark chuckle spilled from my lips. “I wouldn’t touch you if you were the last girl on the planet.”
Tears glossed her eyes. “But we’re—”
“What? The same? Well suited? Destined to be?” I mocked dryly. “You don’t know anything about me!”
People were watching now. Jason and Cameron slowly inching their way over to us, concern pinching their expressions.
“Asher, calm down.” Kellie tried to save face. “You’re making a scene.” She fluffed her hair as if it held the power to fix the mess she’d created.
It didn’t.
“Get the fuck out of my house and don’t ever come back.” My best friends came to my side, Hailee and Flick watching on from over by the door.
“You heard him,” Jase said coolly. No one ignored his word. In Rixon High, Jason Ford’s word was final. Kellie sniffled back a tear and spun on her heel before running out of the house.
“And don’t let the door hit you on the way out,” I yelled, my chest heaving.
“What was all that about?” he asked.
“How much did you hear?”
“Enough to know she pissed you the hell off.”
“She was fucking with Mya.” Shame burned through me. I’d done this. I’d given people the impression I blamed her.
I’d stoked the flames.
“Fuck. I think I really screwed up, you guys.”
“No shit.” Cam folded his arms across his chest, pinning me with a hard look.
“We all screw up,” Jase added. “We’re guys, it’s what we do. But the question is how do you plan on fixing it?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted.
But I’d figure it out.
I had to.
Because losing Mya for good was not an option.
It never was.
I’d just been too blinded by pain and grief to see it.
“Can’t you drive any faster?” I tapped my hand against my knee, my eyes searching the dark empty streets for Mya.
She wasn’t answering her cell. Fuck knows, I’d called it enough. I knew Mya would most likely ignore me, so I used Felicity’s phone. But still, she didn’t pick up.
“There.” I saw the shadowy silhouette of Mya’s profile up ahead. “Stop the car.”
“Asher, just give me a—”
“Stop the damn car,” I rushed out, my hand already clutching the handle ready to push. The car slammed to a halt and I leaped out. “Mya, wait up,” I called.
“Go away, Asher.” She stepped up her pace but there was no way she could outrun me.
I broke into a jog, darting across the street and falling into step beside her. “Don’t you know it’s not safe to walk home alone?”
“The only danger I see out here is you.” Her eyes simmered with emotion as she looked up at me.
“Let me walk you the rest of the way home, please?”
“It’s a free country, you can do whatever you want,” she shot back, but there wasn’t the usual amount of fight in her words.
I knew I’d done that. I’d dimmed her spark.
And I hated myself for it.
I glanced back, but Felicity had already pulled a U-turn and disappeared. I owed her big time; not only for bringing me here but trusting me enough to be alone with Mya.
“I kicked Kellie out of my house,” I said.
“You did?” Her eyes were fixed ahead, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
“I know what she said to you, what my dad said about you. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking that you might think I agree with them, about any of it.”
“Asher,” she sighed, coming to a stop. “Don’t do this, please.”
“Do what? What am I doing, Mya?” We’d turned into one another, like magnets.
I’d watched my two best friends fall ass over elbow in love, hard and fast. And I’d wanted it too… shit, I’d wanted it so badly. To have that one person who got you. Who loved you unconditionally. But I hadn’t known how powerful it could be when you found them. How something inside you shifted, making room for the ties that bound you together.
“You’re acting as if everything is okay between us.”
“I’m not… fuck, Mya. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Asher…” she breathed my name. “Don’t make this any harder than it needs to be. I’m so happy your mom’s awake but this, us, it’s over.”
Over.
The word splintered through me like a knife to the stomach.
We weren’t over.
We couldn’t be.
“I deserve that, I do. I deserve for you to walk away and never look back. But you can’t look me in the eye and tell me you don’t still feel it.” I inched closer, bringing my hand to her cheek. Mya turned into me, pressing her skin against mine, her shoulders dropping slightly as if my touch unwound something deep inside her.
“You feel it,” I whispered, my mouth hovering near the corner of hers. I hadn’t planned to chase after her and kiss her. There was too much I needed to say first. But now I was standing here, with her so close, it was impossible not to be swept up in the pull.
“Asher, please…” Mya’s voice cracked, her eyes fluttering closed as I kissed the corner of her mouth.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I’m sorry for treating you like you were to blame. But most of all, I’m sorry for ever letting you think I didn’t want you anymore.” My hand curled around the back of her neck, drawing her closer, touching my head to hers. “I will always want you, Mya. You own my heart and I don’t ever want it back.”
I eased back to look at her. Tears streaked down Mya’s cheeks, her eyes glittering with so much emotion it knocked the air clean from my lungs. “I want to believe you,” she whispered. “I want to believe we can get through this. But your dad—”
“Is not important.” I captured her lips again, kissing her softly and with caution. The last thing I wanted was to scare her away, but I needed this. I needed to taste her, to take comfort in her.
“I thought she was going to die.” My confession pierced the silent night. “I saw her lying there and I thought she was going to leave me. It doesn’t excuse anything I did or said to you, but I was scared. I was so fucking scared, Mya.” My hands cupped her face. “It felt like I had to choose. You or her. It’s fucked up, I know, but you deserve the truth.”
“You blamed me.”
“I didn’t, not really. But I can’t deny it was hard to separate my thoughts a
bout you with my thoughts about Jermaine. So many times I wanted to call you or text you or just hear your voice, but the more time passed, the more the darkness consumed me.”
Mya’s hand had slid to my sweater, curling into the fabric. “And if she hadn’t woken up?”
God, I didn’t want to think about that. But I knew why Mya was asking the question and she deserved an answer.
“If Mom hadn’t woken up, I would’ve needed you more than ever. Even if I couldn’t see it at the time.”
“I think your friends know you better than you know yourself.”
“Is that so?” I was hardly surprised Cameron had said something to her since he’d chewed me out too.
“You’re lucky to have them. Have you told them the truth yet?”
“No, but I will. Everything’s different now. But I didn’t come here to talk about them, Mya. I came here for you.” Indecision flickered in her eyes and I rushed out, “What you said before, about accepting a place at Cleveland—”
“I changed my mind,” she said a little too quickly. “I’m going to Temple University. They have a great social work program and I want to help communities that need it most.”
“I see.” My heart didn’t just sink, it withered and died in my chest. She’d really moved on. I couldn’t blame her, but fuck, it hurt.
“It’s something I need to do. For me, Asher. I spent most of my life looking out for Jermaine, and then I came here and met you. Even when I said I wouldn’t let myself fall in love again, you went and stole my heart anyway. I can’t be the girl who’s always fighting for someone to love her. Jermaine. My mom. You. I’m tired of fighting. For once I want someone to fight for me. To choose me. But until then, I’m okay with fighting for myself, for going after what I want.”
Mya palmed my cheek, brushing the tip of her nose across mine. The intimate action sent a shiver shooting up my spine. But it was bittersweet. Even when she fixed her mouth over mine, kissing me hard, letting her tongue slip between my lips and stroke my tongue, I knew it wasn’t the ending I’d hoped for.
It was Mya’s way of saying goodbye.
But screw that.
She couldn’t walk away, not again. Not when I’d bared my soul to her and laid all my cards out on the table.
“I won’t let you walk away,” I murmured against her, deepening the kiss. “I won’t lose you again, Mya.” Emotion clogged my throat and I finally broke away, inhaling a ragged breath. “I can’t lose you.”
Mya lowered her face, looking up at me through thick lashes. “Then fight for me, Asher,” she said before turning and walking away.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Mya
“He’s watching you again,” Felicity whispered, hardly being discreet about the fact she was watching Asher watch me.
He was finally back at school, although I’d heard he wasn’t doing all his classes. Things were relatively normal again in the halls of Rixon High. I’d barely heard my name whispered in class and if I entered a room, people looked away rather than staring like I was about to pull a gun on them and fulfil the stereotype.
It was almost as if someone had told them to back off, but I didn’t want to make assumptions.
“Quit it.” I nudged Felicity in the ribs, and she sprayed a mouthful of soda everywhere.
“What?” She played dumb. “I wasn’t doing anything.”
“You’re staring at him.”
“But he looks so... so—”
“Desperate?”
“I was going to say lost.”
“Flick...” It wasn’t like I couldn’t feel Asher watching. His gaze was like a laser, smoldering into the top of my head as I pretended to eat my lunch.
“You should talk to him.”
“I’m good, thanks.” Surprisingly, it was the truth. I missed Asher something fierce. I missed being part of the group. But I couldn’t deny that since I’d walked away from him, I also felt empowered.
While I accepted his apology, I hadn’t just rolled over and given in to him. I’d stood tall and put myself first for once. In some ways, I had Asher to thank for giving me the push I needed to embrace my future at Temple University. Going out of state for college would have only been me running further away, and deep down, I didn’t want that. I needed to own all the parts of me: the girl from the hood; the girl trying to find herself in a town that didn’t accept her; and the girl I knew I could become. I was all those parts and if someone was going to love me, they had to accept all of me.
“You’re really going to do this, huh?” Felicity pulled me from my thoughts. “You’re really going to make him suffer?”
“I’m not making him suffer, Flick. But I’m not going to just roll over either. He hurt me, really hurt me. Part of me gets it, after what happened to his mom. But I’ve had a lifetime of pain to deal with. Next time I trust someone with my heart, it’ll be because they earned it.”
“But look at him... I mean, he’s so... sad.”
Before I could stop myself, I’d looked over at Asher’s table. He was surrounded by his teammates, the conversation and laughter going on all around him, but his eyes were fixed right on me.
I inhaled a shaky breath. Of course, it wasn’t the first time I’d stolen glances of him around school. I always knew when he was nearby. Just because we were no longer together didn’t mean the connection between us was severed. If anything, it burned brighter; snapping taut whenever our paths crossed. But it was easier to resist the pull now. Easier to ignore.
At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
In that one simple look, Asher was able to tell me everything I didn’t want to hear.
He was sorry.
He loved me.
He wanted me back.
But words weren’t enough, not this time.
I was the one to break our connection, to lower my eyes and focus on the food in front of me. Felicity grumbled beneath her breath, clearly frustrated at my behavior. But this was one thing she couldn’t fix.
The only person who could was sitting across the cafeteria.
And even then, I wasn’t sure there was anything left he could do to make me change my mind.
“This was a great idea,” I said to Felicity as I helped her herd the last couple of puppies into the tub. “I feel better already.”
“It’s impossible not to love these little guys, even if they get overexcited at bath time.” She scrubbed a spaniel’s ear, sending the tiny ball of fluff into an excited frenzy. “Quick,” she shrieked, “grab a towel.”
Laughing, I leaned over and helped myself to a freshly folded towel. It was my second time helping Felicity out at A Brand New Tail, the local pet shelter where she volunteered a couple nights a week, but I hadn’t been here since pre-Asher.
I’d forgotten how good for the soul the little furballs could be.
“So are we hitting The Alley after we get done?” I asked drying Maximus off while she handled his brother Caesar.
“Actually,” she peeked over at me, “we’re… hangingatmyhousewiththeguys.”
“Felicity, seriously?”
“I’m sorry, but when I told Jason we were hanging out with Hailee, he got all needy and jealous and wanted to come with us, and I thought it would be less awkward if we all hung out at mine.”
Levelling her with a hard look, I let out a heavy sigh. “That makes zero sense. You know that, right?”
“I thought you’d be cool with it, since you’re playing hard to get and all.”
“I’m not playing hard…” I stopped myself. “Fine, it’s fine.” It was just six friends getting together, I could handle it.
“Asher offered not to come,” she added, casting me a furtive glance.
“He did?”
I didn’t know how to feel about that.
“Yeah, said he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but like I told him, you’re cool with everything.” Her lip curved, a familiar glint in her eye. “You are cool with everything, r
ight?”
“Who me?” I smiled sweetly.
“I don’t know how you do it.”
“Do what?” We finished up drying the puppies before placing them back in their crates.
“Pretend you’re over him.”
“I’m not. Over him, I mean.”
“Well, duh, took you long enough to admit it.” She grinned.
“Oh hush.” I rolled a towel and whipped her arm with it. “You know what I mean. Just because I’m not falling at his feet, doesn’t mean I don’t care about him.”
I still cared.
I cared too damn much and that was half the problem.
“So why put yourselves through this? I don’t get it.”
With a half-hearted shrug, I let my eyes wander anywhere but to her. “Because I’m tired of always being cast aside when things get rough. I wasn’t enough for Jermaine and Asher made me feel that all over again.”
“Oh, Mya, you know it wasn’t like that. He loves you, but he’s a guy and we all know how emotionally stunted they can be.”
“It’s not good enough,” I said around a sad smile. “I chose him, Flick. I put him first. He asked me to pick Cleveland, and I was going to do it. But I’m done being that girl.”
Felicity stared at me, but I saw no judgment in her eyes this time. “Okay,” she said quietly. “If that’s what you need to do, then okay, I’m right behind you.”
“Thank you.”
“Hey, that’s what best friends are for. Now let’s get cleaned up so we can go make your boy suffer.”
I rolled my eyes, smothering a chuckle. It wasn’t quite what I meant, but I’d take it.
Because it was better than her trying to play Cupid.
“You’d better get in here if you want pizza,” Jason yelled the second we stepped into Felicity’s house.
“He has a key now?” My brow quirked up.
“I... uh, sometimes he waits for me to get done at the shelter.”
“And what do you parents think about that?”
“Usually my mom tries to feed him.”
“And when they’re not here?”