Flat-Out Love

by Jessica Park

  He averted his gaze, but shook his head. “Of course not. You should.”

  “Or maybe your mother would prefer to take you when she gets home?” Julie offered.

  “I suppose I could ask her. I’ll try, although she’s not terribly interested in me. And,” Celeste continued, “I would like to have Rachel come to the house some day. She wears unattractive wire glasses, and her hair is a frightful mess. I might be able to help her. Plus, she knows nothing about the Phanerozoic eon, and I know quite a bit because Finn was a dinosaur nut when he was younger.”

  It was hard to know what to say following this unexpected outpouring. So much had changed in the past twelve hours with Celeste. And between her and Matt. Everything felt different.

  “Maybe this summer we could all go to the beach together? Plum Island is lovely as long as it’s not horsefly season. And I’d like to paint my room. Yellow. Or fern green. That would be a nice summer project. Julie, I could use your assistance in choosing the right color.”

  Before she could answer, Matt jumped in. “I’m sure Julie will be busy this summer, Celeste. She’ll probably have her own place by then, right?”

  Julie startled. Getting her own place would make sense. It just hadn’t occurred to her. Of course she’d have to move out. Roger and Erin had generously put her up for the year, but what was she going to do? Stay here until she graduated? That was ridiculous, and they were too polite to ask her directly to move out. Besides, she was taking up Finn’s room, and he would be home soon enough. “Yes, I assume so.”

  Celeste frowned. “Will we still see each other?”

  “Absolutely. We can make a weekly girls’ date.”

  “It won’t be the same, will it?”

  “No. It won’t. But it will still be special.”

  “There’s probably a bunch of apartments opening up for July first. Or June, even,” Matt said.

  “Great. Thanks,” Julie said weakly.

  An unpleasant feeling in her chest grew as she started to absorb the idea of not living at the Watkins house. This had become her home.

  Except it felt less like home if Matt didn’t want her here.

  Stupid kissing. Stupid roaming hands. Stupid boys.

  “I’ll start looking for an apartment today. I could probably be out of here just after classes end. I’ll try for June first.”

  “Julie, I didn’t mean—”

  “Obviously, I’m moving out, Matt,” she said sneering. “Obviously.”

  Matt looked everywhere but at the two girls, while Julie urgently checked on those garage sale details again in the paper.

  Celeste maintained a rather bemused look on her face. “This is an unusual morning we’re all having, isn’t it?”

  Julie stood up and took her plate to the sink. “Were you thinking more Lady Grace or more Victoria’s Secret?”

  Matt nearly fainted.

  Chapter 28

  Matthew Watkins I need an afternoon pick-me-up. I accept cash and/or prizes that can be exchanged for cash. Also, hobbits.

  Finn is God If you get off your high horse, you'll notice that it, too, poops.

  Julie Seagle Mixed emotions regarding Twitter continue. Am again facing warnings about unprotected Tweets, but it’s not my fault the condom won’t fit over the laptop. “A” for effort and whatnot, I think.

  Finn-

  I hope you’re sitting down for this: Your mom, Celeste, Celeste’s FRIEND Rachel, and I are all going to some ritzy spa to get our nails done. It was Celeste’s idea to do something with Rachel, and I thought we should start out of the house first. Less FF temptation that way. When I asked Erin about taking the girls, I suggested maybe she’d like to come along, and after a bit of prodding, I got her to agree! I feel weird driving them around in the car like I’m some sort of chauffeur, but at least we’re going somewhere. And lest you start moaning (like Matt) that I’ve turned Celeste into a shallow teen, you should know that our post-manicure events include a trip to the Institute of Contemporary Arts and dinner at some Mongolian restaurant.

  Flat Finn is not coming. Boys are not allowed, according to your sister. He is taking the day off (again) in the front hall closet behind what is either a badminton set or a fishing net.

  You won’t believe how different Celeste is when you see her. Yes, she’s still extremely quirky and unusual (in a loveable way, of course), but she’s different. She’s happier. Your parents had a meeting at the school with that guidance counselor who I unreasonably hated so much, and he was “extremely impressed and relieved” at how nicely her social skills are coming along. Finn, she is so much more grown up now. Really self-sufficient. Don’t take this the wrong way, but she hasn’t been as obsessed with you and when you’re coming home. (I, however…) I think other parts of her life are taking over. True, she still only has this one real friend, but it’s a start. And she’s going online now and searching for normal teenage stuff, which totally annoys your dad, not to mention Matt. She wants to go to the movies and shopping, etc. Don’t worry, though; she still curls up on the couch with The Iliad or something equally snooty.

  To be honest, I miss her sometimes. The “old” Celeste, I mean. I’m still with her plenty, it’s just that she is so much less dependent on other people. I get nostalgic for the Celeste who was so glued to me, the one who looked up to me, the one who freaked out over lip-gloss and a simple trip to the grocery store. That sounds awful, doesn’t it? I don’t want that for her. I want her to be who she’s becoming, you know? Lighter and freer. It’s like she was locked in one place, and now she finally sees that movement is possible. She’s not sure which way to turn yet, but she can see the options.

  To answer your question from the other day, Matt is fine. I haven’t seen him a lot recently. We’ve both been mobbed with end-of-semester work, but I could use his help with Calculus II with Calculations. I’m dying in that class. He always explains stuff so clearly. Things have still been off since the night of Celeste’s meltdown. Ironically, she came out of it somewhat healed, while it drove a wedge between Matt and me. I feel bad because we were friends. I guess we still are… It’s different though. We used to hang out all the time, and now I barely see him. Not that he’s mean to me, or anything, but I don’t get the impression he wants to be around me anymore. He keeps leaving me little notes with information about apartment rentals. Obviously he can’t wait to get me out of here. I don’t know. Maybe he’s just trying to be helpful. I wish things were better between us. It feels… It just doesn’t feel right like this. It’s abnormal.

  You know what’s funny? It’s like you’ve become some diary that I write to. A figment of my imagination. But you’re easy to talk to. Write to. Whatever.

  There is no need to panic; I’ll take all of my teddy bears with me and remove the sparkly heart curtains before you get home.

  Miss you,

  -Julie

  Julie-

  See if Mom will get little pictures painted on her nails. I think she’d look fab with looooong painted talons, don’t you? It’s totally her.

  From everything you’ve been telling me this year about Celeste, I’m not surprised to hear that she has made so many changes. You came into her life and shook up her world in a way that allowed her to still be who she is. You saved her, Julie.

  I don’t know what to tell you about Matt. Maybe you feel things are abnormal because HE’S abnormal? Kidding. I shouldn’t joke, because I can tell you’re upset. I’m sorry if your feelings are hurt. He’s as mixed up as the rest of the family. I do know that he cares about you. I can promise you that. If he’s being awful, I’m quite sure that it’s not because of anything that you’ve done. He’s just not good at handling people. Or himself, for that matter. Wait it out. Trust me.

  Don’t you DARE take the stuffed animals and adorable curtains with you. I am so overloaded with testosterone (grunt!), and those items will help me to embrace my feminine side. A kinder, gentler Finn.

  I miss you, too, and I have so mu
ch to tell you. I know you think that you already know me—and I love that you can say anything to me—but I just hope that you’ll feel the same way when reality kicks in.

  -Finn

  Finn-

  There is nothing you could say that would change what you mean to me.

  -Julie

  Julie-

  I’ll hold you to that.

  -Finn

  **********

  The neon red nail polish was slightly alarming, but Julie didn’t protest as the manicurist continued lacquering her toenails. Celeste had chosen the shade and insisted that the four of them all get their fingers and toes done in the same color. She had said, “Sharing the same color will indicate that we are all connected.”

  “Like gang colors,” Erin had added.

  Despite Erin’s reluctance to spend part of the afternoon holed up in a salon, she looked moderately relaxed as her feet soaked in a soapy bath next to Julie. She even tilted her head back into the soft neck rest.

  Julie looked across the room at Rachel and Celeste, who were peering at the pages of a magazine in between giggling at something on Rachel’s BlackBerry. Was there any possibility they were snickering over boys? Rachel’s top-of-the-lungs demonstration that she knew the entire periodic table of the elements confirmed that Celeste had been right about Rachel being a bit of an odd duck. But anything other than that wouldn’t have made sense. This pair of awkward, struggling kids had found each other for a reason.

  Erin lifted her head and squinted. “Do you suppose I’m required to get Celeste a handheld device of some kind?”

  “I don’t think there’s a parental law, no,” Julie said.

  “I haven’t been very in tune… attentive, really… to Celeste’s needs. I do realize that. I’m starting to, and I know that I need to. I enjoyed taking her shopping last week. Thank you for suggesting that. And for today.”

  Julie smiled softly at her.

  “I was pondering taking Celeste down to the Cape with me one weekend this summer. A mother and daughter mini-vacation. Do you think that she would like that?”

  Julie nodded. “Very much.” She glanced at her electric-colored toes. “Maybe even a vacation for the whole family?”

  “Mmm… That sounds lovely. I’ll look into that. I don’t remember the last time we’ve all spent a longer span of time together.” Erin dropped her head back again.

  A family vacation. A foreign concept to Julie. Her father had left her two voicemails and sent three emails in the past few months, all via his secretary. Julie had ignored the first batch of messages, and finally had her own secretary—a Miss Celeste Watkins—respond with a terse email explaining that Ms. Seagle was currently engulfed in important business matters, but would be arranging a never-to-happen dinner appointment shortly.

  “So,” Erin said, “Matt says that you’re looking for an apartment?”

  “Oh. Yeah, I am. I figured it was about time I got out of your hair.”

  “Nonsense. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like, although I imagine you’re ready to expand on your collegiate experience.”

  Julie felt that stabbing pain in her chest again. It was all Matt’s idea for her to move out. “It might be easier for me to be closer to campus,” she said quietly. “Dana asked me to live with her. Her roommate will be gone right after finals, and I can move in then.”

  “That’s so soon. But I know that we’ve kept you cooped up more than could have been fun. You’ve spent your whole year attending to Celeste and studying with Matthew. We’ve been selfish with you.” Erin sighed. “It’s your fault for being so damn special. I do hope that you’ll come around for dinner on occasion. It’s not going to be the same without you.”

  Julie bit her lip and then closed her eyes. She felt lonely and awful and couldn’t think of anything to say wouldn’t send her into a crying fit.

  “When you have your own place, you can paint and decorate as you like, and not worry about other people in the house. You and Dana will have fun together. Just like your mother and I used to. Matthew’s old room could hardly have been as female-friendly as you would have liked anyway,”

  “You mean Finn’s room,” Julie corrected.

  “What? No, you’ve been in Matthew’s room. He moved into Finn’s old room a while ago, so his was empty until you got here. It’s been nice having a full house again.”

  “I guess I misunderstood…” Julie started. This didn’t make any sense. For a lot of reasons. “I thought—”

  “You know what?” Erin said happily. “Coming here was a good idea. I rarely just sit and do nothing. It’s given me a chance to think. I’ve missed my family, Julie. Whether you intended to or not, you’ve helped bring them back to me and me back to them.”

  Julie inhaled and exhaled deeply and tried to untangle her thoughts.

  Then Erin’s hand moved on top of hers and rested there, her wordless touch both disquieting and consoling.

  Chapter 29

  “You’re not taking the car today?” Matt looked up from his laptop, as Julie crossed through the living room. He was on the couch, wearing a surprisingly text-free red shirt, with his feet kicked up on the coffee table.

  “No. I’m going to walk to the T. It’s so nice out.” The words felt slow coming from her mouth, heavy and falsely normal.

  “May and June are usually nice, but just wait until summer. Hazy, hot, and humid.”

  Julie sat down in one of the hard-backed chairs and rifled through her school bag, making sure she had everything she needed for her last day. After taking one exam this morning and handing in a term paper, she would be done. Most people in her position would feel elated. Instead, a looming sense of uneasiness stayed with her, as it had for the past few weeks.

  She flipped through the printed pages of her paper. Even though she had written the paper, her words looked unfamiliar. The letters blended together and swam across the page into meaningless jumbles. She let the paper slip from her hand and fall to the floor.

  “Julie? Are you OK?” Matt asked.

  “I’m fine,” she said.

  “You seem a little off today.”

  “I told you that I’m fine.”

  Julie put her term paper back into her bag and walked to the front window. She lifted the heavy old pane and didn’t move as a soft breeze blew the sheer curtain against her. The sky was totally clear today, and the world had that fresh, unsoiled smell that late spring brings. That precious scent would likely only last until the July heat and stench tore it away.

  She turned and watched Matt as he continued working. “Matty?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Look at me.”

  “What?” he asked.

  “Look at me.”

  Matt lifted his head. It felt like ages since he had looked right at her, and that spark she often saw in his gray eyes was gone. There had been no back-and-forth banter between them in weeks, no joking about his shirts, no struggling to get her to understand asymptotic methods for her calculus class. She studied his face, trying to figure him out. Trying to understand. He tilted his head to the side, his expression turning solemn as he let her think. But he didn’t turn away.

  He looked tired and vulnerable.

  He probably had reason to.

  Neither of them said a word. She could feel the shift between them, the awful change in dynamics. The loss. She knew he felt it, too.

  Finally Julie reached down for her bag. She turned and walked through the front door and into the glaring sunlight.

  **********

  Dana crossed her legs and tore off a piece of the chocolate croissant. “Want some?” she offered.

  Julie shook her head. Her stomach didn’t feel good, and the coffee from Au Bon Pain was not sitting well. She and Dana had been lucky to snag a small bistro table at the packed outdoor café in Harvard Square. It seemed that everyone except Julie had that end-of-the-year high.

  “Julie, what’s wrong?” Dana asked. “Something is going on w
ith you. Do you not want to move in with me? It’s not a problem if you don’t. Just because I went ahead and repainted the bedroom for you, doesn’t mean that you should feel at all guilty if you’ve changed your mind.” She smiled. “Seriously. It’s fine.”

  “No, that’s not it at all. I can’t wait to move, actually. Less than a week now.”

  “Something is wrong. You’re not in a good mood.”

  “No,” she agreed. “I’m not.”

  “Tell me.”

  Julie stared at the chess players next to them. A college student and a gray-haired man concentrated on the black and white pieces that sat on the concrete chess table. King, queen, rook, bishop, knight. King, queen, rook, bishop, knight.

  Pawn.

  Julie stared at the chess piece. Pawn.

  “I should get home and pack some more.”

  “If you say so. Hey,” Dana said gently, “you’ll call me if you need me, right? I’ll be there when you’re ready to talk.”

  Julie looked at her friend and nodded. “I will.” She picked up her bag to leave, and then stopped. “If I need to move in a few days early, would that be all right?”

  “What is going on?” Dana leaned forward. “Is this about Matt?”

  “Would it be all right or not?”

  “Of course. “ Dana sat back. “Whatever you need. You know that.”

  “Thanks. I’ll call you later.”

  Julie pulled her sunglasses down over her eyes and waded through the crowded sidewalks. She walked past the Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskin Robbins ice cream on the corner and smiled. This was the How do you like them apples? location from Good Will Hunting. It was also the place that she and Matt had stopped in the day he had taken her to look for apartments. She passed the subway station and crossed Mass Ave, disappearing into the maze of Harvard’s store, The Coop. Wandering in a fog seemed to help her feel better. Julie let herself drift through the store for a while, eventually exiting out the back onto a side street. Clothing boutiques had racks of dresses displayed on the sidewalk, and Julie fingered through sundresses that she wasn’t going to buy. Across the street there was a small shop that sold local crafts. She momentarily emerged from her haze and wondered if she might find a little something there for Celeste.