by S. A. Ichigo
It’s not like I haven’t been thinking about him. Because I have. Well, a lot. If this was a fairytale and he was my knight in shining armor, I would escape with him anywhere he’d want. The problem is, our lives are too complicated. Our loss is too deep to be healed and we both know it even though we don’t want to admit it. Some scars stay visible forever.
That night was magical. We were perfect. Made for each other. I was happy. I let myself think this could work. I wanted it to be true. After five long years of hiding behind my sorrow, I stepped out of my bubble. Kai is an amazing man, loving, caring, and I know that he would do anything to make me happy. It’s been almost six years since the last time I’d been with a man. Until Kai, my only partner was Matt. I needed no one else. I wanted no other man. Until the night I met Kai. Because I felt dragged towards him from the moment we met. And I still do. Even more.
I was on my way to tell him I wanted to give us a try when I saw him holding that picture. My past. Reality came back storming through the door I was trying to lock. I couldn’t do it. Knowing that I will have to lie to him about who I am made me realize that I can’t hurt him like this. He deserves to know the truth – only that I can’t share it with him. After all – when all the fairy dust falls to the ground – he is a stranger.
I walk down the empty streets of Jackson. Crying. Crying cause I know I need to let him go. Crying cause I know I want more. Crying cause I want him in my life. And that’s the main reason I can’t be with him. Everyone close to me suffers at some point in their lives and I can’t put him through any more pain. He suffered too much already. Losing his wife broke him.
My heart is broken. If you ever felt the love from the first sight, you’ll understand how much it hurts when you need to let it go. Sometimes knowing someone for a few hours feels like you knew him your whole life. Kai is this person to me. With him by my side, I feel like I finally start living again. But there’s too much of my past he does not understand. Too many things I kept from him. Things I can never say when at the same time I can’t base a relationship on a lie.
He says, he understands. For now, maybe. But there will come the time when he’ll get tired of these secrets and he’ll vanish like sand thrown on the wind. Only that... he’ll leave me brokenhearted.
My phone buzzes and breaks me out of my thoughts.
“Mia Parker, how can I help?” I answer trying to keep my voice from shaking.
“Sweet mother of baby Jesus! Have you been crying?!” someone shouts on the other side.
If I didn’t know his voice, I’d say my voice of reason is trying to reach me over the phone as it can’t reach my thoughts. But no. This voice belongs to an amusing and most ridiculous person on Earth.
“Caleb. To what do I owe a pleasure?” I ask trying to sound formal.
“Oh, the pleasure is all mine, dear,” he compliments. “I need your help.”
“Something’s wrong with the wedding plan I’d sent over to you?”
“No. Yes,” he pants. “I need to discuss something important. Could you meet me at the Huntress tomorrow?” he asks.
“Here? In Jackson?” I say surprised.
“Yes. Matter of life or death,” he utters. “Please, it won’t take long.”
“Okay.” I agree.
“Is seven in the evening too late? I’m not sure I will get there earlier.”
“It’s okay,” I assure him. “See you tomorrow then.”
“Thank you. I owe you one.” He hangs up.
Imagine my surprise when the next evening I step inside the restaurant, only to see not Caleb, but Kai waiting for me by the table with a huge bouquet of red roses. Dressed in a navy suit and tie matching the color of flowers. His hair is falling softly on his shoulders and he looks sexy as hell. I freeze still, cursing Caleb in my mind. This asshole planned this all along. I should have sensed the trick.
Unsure of what to do I start to back off. Run. I urge myself but my feet won’t move any faster. Kai sets flowers aside and runs over to me, grabbing my hand. I lift my eyes to meet his and swallow hard. His gaze is so intense I can feel it all over my body. He’s not letting me go.
I give him a hard stare, but it doesn’t seem to work. He’s focused on me, nearly drilling inside my soul with the intensity of his gaze. His eyes sparkle in the muffled light of lamps. He hasn’t shaved his beard, but it works on his favor. His gaze is firmly fixed on me and it’s giving me chills.
I try to set myself free. Yet with every breath I take, he’s getting closer and closer.
“Don’t run away,” he begs. “Please.” His voice breaks.
“I...”
Before I gather my thoughts, his warm hands land gently on the back of my neck and he pulls me towards him. I’m shocked, but I don’t fight him. I want it. I’ve dreamt about it every single night since the moment we made love. A split of a second later his lips are on mine. And he kisses me with all the passion he has. I follow his lead. I’m gone. There’s no turning back from this and I know it.
His soft lips brush on mine. His gentle hands caress my face. This kiss is so passionate and filled with the longing that it takes my breath away. He missed me as much as I missed him. There’s no more denying. He’s not letting me run away this time.
I shiver and shake my head. This is wrong. I tell myself. I know one way or another it will break my heart. It never lasts. I push him away gently and his eyes drop the second later. He’s hurt, yet he’s not letting me go. He stares at me with his big brown eyes. I see pain slowly taking over his beautiful face. He frowns.
“We both know this is a mistake,” I whisper.
He pulls me closer and cups my face in his hands, stroking my cheeks gently. He puts his forehead to mine and lets out a breath. Then he looks me deep in the eyes.
“Then I’ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can’t live without,” he whispers.
I realize that as scared as I am; I want to be nowhere else but here - with him. I want him. I’m terrified, but I need him in my life. I’m falling for him. Falling hard - my heart says. I tried to fight this feeling from the moment we met. I tried to push him away. Yet my heart is stronger than my mind. And as much as I know I should run away and don’t look back - I stay.
Hours later, we sit on a sofa in his apartment. Kai brushes his lips over my bare shoulders. He holds me in an embrace and I realize that all this fear I felt was groundless. His warm arms embrace me and I can hear his heart beating. He’s so close I need to pinch myself to make sure he’s real.
We talk for hours. I do my best to share as much true information about myself as I can. I tell him about my dream of becoming a lawyer, my studies and passion for organizing events. I talk about my early childhood, my parents and even though I feel a large lump inside my throat when I mention them being dead, suddenly I feel better. Relieved. All this sorrow I’ve been feeling melts away. Kai doesn’t ask for details, he only holds me tight. The first time since they’d died, I feel that there’s hope for me. All this pain I’ve been keeping inside me disappears with every word I say. Truth is, I never accepted the fact that they’re gone. Part of me always hoped that they just left and one day I will see them again. So when I cry my soul out in front of him – telling him how much I miss them – he holds me closer and says the only words I need to hear. Words I’ve been longing to be told for so long.
“I understand.”
He doesn’t say ‘It’s going to be okay’. He doesn’t say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’. He’s not trying to ease the pain with sweet lies. He understands. More than anyone, how much it hurts to lose the ones you love.
Early morning sun sinks into a living room when I feel my eyes closing with tiredness. Kai is fast asleep and his beautiful face looks so peaceful. I stare at him, my eyes half-closed and I fight the evil voice inside my head telling me I should run away.
Truth is, I am tired of running away. Being held in his arms, being kissed by him – it finally makes this place feel like hom
e. Home I’ve been looking for so long. I never imagined finding it in the arms of someone as broken as I am.
I snuggle down in him and I listen to the rhythmical beating of his heart. Slowly, my eyelids start to close and I drift away to sleep. I feel safe.
The next few weeks are crazy. There’s a lot going on in the company and I fight for every minute I can spend with Kai. Our schedules are tense - with my fast-paced working environment and him being a bar owner. It’s hard to find time for each other. I miss him when he’s not around. I think about him all the time. I crave his touch.
Most nights, Kai stays at my place – well, he basically lives here from the moment I gave him a spare key. Some may say we might move too fast, but we both lost way too much time. So every minute we get to spend together is worth its weight in gold. I’m used to having him around like he’s been part of my life since forever.
I can’t imagine losing him. Whenever he’s not around for a little longer – my heart cries. I miss his laughter, his sarcastic comments, his beautiful smile. I miss holding him in my arms the second he walks out of the door. First time in five years I feel like I belong. Within the last weeks, he gave me more than I could’ve asked for. I have a place I want to come back to after a long day of work. I have a place to call home. This house is no longer a bunch of empty walls. It’s home.
It’s late at night when Kai sneaks inside the bed beside me. I yawn and turn my face towards him.
“I didn’t want to wake you,” he says and plants a soft kiss on my forehead.
“I wasn’t asleep,” I respond and pull him closer.
Having him around is addicting. I can’t get enough of his touch, his kisses, his presence. The bed feels so empty without him on the other side. I never thought I would feel this way again. I never thought I would let myself miss someone. But I do. Kai is my entire world no matter how hard I try to deny it. He is very important.
He strokes my cheeks gently with his palm and then taps my nose. I chuckle.
“How about we go out for the weekend?” he asks. “My parents own a cabin log by the lake. We could escape there for a little while,” he kisses my nose.
“Caleb’s wedding is around the corner. I’m not sure I will have it all done by the weekend.” I say sadly.
He smiles softly and pulls me closer. I snuggle with him and breathe his scent.
“Do you really think Caleb is making a mistake?” I ask.
He glances at me. His eyes sparkle in the soft moonlight.
“If you would have asked me that question a month ago, I would say ‘yes, he has lost his mind’,” he starts. “I couldn’t understand why he wants to marry a stranger. I was shocked and pissed at him for being so naïve. He’s been married once before, plus he’s not a devoted kind of man if you know what I mean,” he sighs. “But now I understand him.”
“What’s changed?” I ask.
“You came into my life,” he stares at me. “You turned it upside down and gave me something to hold on to.” He swallows hard. “And I hate saying this, but Caleb was right.”
“About?”
“Love does not choose.”
I blink once. Then again. I stare at him not sure if I heard it correct. He smiles and takes my hands in his. Gently he squeezes my hands and looks me deep in the eyes.
“I love you, Mia,” he whispers.
My world is spinning. My heart is pounding so fast I think it may jump out off my chest. I’m so happy I throw myself at him and kiss him hard. He deepens the kiss and holds me tight. His hands travel through my body.
“What is it about you, that I can’t get enough of you?” he asks and kisses me again.
I take his t-shirt off and push him to the bed. His eyes are fixed on me and they burn with desire – but also with love. It’s the most amazing sight. He kisses my neck, my breasts, my belly as I work my way on the top of him. His palms clench tightly on my ass as he pushes inside me with one, precise strike.
“What is it about you I want you even more with every passing day?” he asks.
He moves inside me and we both gasp out of breath.
“What is it about you, Mia?” he whispers and buries himself deeper inside me. “That I want you forever?”
Forever.
His words echo in my head, but hearing them doesn’t scare me anymore. I want him forever – no matter how long this forever will last. I want to be happy. I want to live a normal life by his side. I want it more than anything in life.
He moves faster and faster until we both come. My body is shaking with desire even minutes after we get up to clean ourselves. I need to pinch myself one more time to make sure it’s real.
I scoop him up from behind and plant a soft kiss on his back, then he carries me into bed.
“I love you too, Kai,” I say. “More than you can imagine.”
I breathe his scent and listen to the rhythmical beating of his heart as I slowly drift away to sleep.
I belong here. With him.
Forever.
Chapter Twelve
Kai
Present
When two months ago my brother announced he’s getting married – I mocked him. There was no way in hell I would believe that Caleb had fallen in love. I couldn’t believe that falling in love with someone you’ve just met is possible. Until I met her. Until she made me believe that love from the first sight exists.
Now I’m standing here, fixing my brother with some bullshit talk to help him deal with the stress on his big day. I’d never seen him so nervous before – yet so happy and excited at the same time. His hands are shaking as he repeats his vows for the tenth time today. Who would have thought, huh? Caleb – cold-hearted bastard, who broke more hearts than half of the male population of Saint Louis all together – is getting married to a woman he met three months ago.
I pat his shoulder with a hand to give him some courage. We’re standing in front of the large wall mirror, side by side. Caleb is putting final touches to his look. I must say – he has a way better sense of style than me. His hair is perfectly styled up, beard trimmed so carefully he looks like a Vogue model. He’s wearing a navy tailored suit, white shirt and, of course, rosy-peach tie – which if you ask me is damn pink. I tied my shoulder-length hair behind, trimmed a beard just enough to not to look like an animal and put on a black suit and tie accompanied by a blue shirt. Classic and comfy.
“Are you ready, little brother?” I ask.
He grins at me and looks me in the eyes.
“As ready as one can be,” he says. “You’re next in line, brother.” He jokes, patting my back.
Or maybe he’s damn serious.
He gives me a hard stare like he’s trying to say: don’t deny it, you want it too. And I know he’s right. It’s not like I’ve been thinking about getting married, it’s still too soon for that, but on the other hand, I can’t imagine my life without Mia anymore. She’s my happiness – my brightest star and I want her forever. I just never thought about it that way. Marriage is a big step, and I don’t think we’re ready to take it just yet. I’m still healing after what happened to Lisa – she still owns a huge part of my heart and I don’t think it would be fair to marry another woman when my heart doesn’t belong to her completely. I need to work out my head and my heart first. And whatever happened to Mia, whoever she’d lost, it broke her heart as well.
Caleb turns towards me like he’s reading my thoughts.
“Don’t overthink it, brother,” he says, his expression damn serious. “Lisa would want you to be happy.”
I only nod. I’m not ready to have this conversation with him or anyone else yet. Although I know he’s right. Lisa would want me to be happy again. Only that... it doesn’t feel fair towards her. Once she was my happiness. Once she was mine forever. Now she’s gone. And I feel guilty for being happy without her. I feel guilty for loving someone else. I feel guilty for slowly letting her go. It was supposed to be her and me – forever.
I frown and
shake my head.
“I never thought I could be so nervous!” Caleb exclaims. “I guess she’s the one, Kai. I feel it in my gut, she’s my forever girl.”
We head outside where all the guests are already waiting. My eyes travel around the place in search of Mia. It doesn’t take long before I spot her. She’s the most stunning woman around. Our eyes meet and she smiles. I take another look at her. God, she’s so beautiful. She’s wearing a long, red, off-shoulder dress. Her brown hair is tied in a low bun. And when she smiles, the world holds out its breath.
“Let’s get you married, shall we?” I say to Caleb.
I walk towards Mia as Caleb takes his place at the altar. He’s so stressed I could see it from a mile. I grab Mia’s hand and pull her closer.
“You look absolutely breathtaking,” I whisper into her ear and kiss her cheek.
The violinist plays a wedding March and everyone turns their heads on the bride. Ashley looks beautiful and by the expression on Caleb’s face, I can tell he’s stunned by her. She walks down the altar accompanied by her dad. Even from the distance, I can see tears of happiness gathering in my brother’s eyes. She’s the one. I smile to myself.
I glance at Mia only to see tears rolling down her beautiful face.
“Are you okay?” I ask pulling her closer.
“Yes. It’s just, she looks so beautiful,” she sobs. “Weddings always make me emotional.”
I wonder why, but I think I know the answer. She told me she was engaged once, a long time ago. Yet she never got married. So whatever happened to them, must still affect her somehow. Especially in moments like this. That makes me wonder why she had become a wedding planner in the first place – but I don’t ask. I know better than anyone some question should never be asked. I don’t want her reliving whatever she’d been through.
I wrap my arms around her tightly and gently kiss her shoulder. She sobs and dries her eyes with a handkerchief.
Ashley takes her place across from Caleb and the ceremony starts. Before long, they exchange their vows and wedding rings. I must admit Caleb’s speech is so romantic I want to throw up. I would never believe he’s going to be so caring one day. His every word is filled with love and devotion and by the time he finishes speaking, Ashley is full of tears – so is half of the women gathered around, Mia included. Then my little brother kisses his bride. He wouldn’t be himself if he’d do it gently.