by S. A. Ichigo
He plants a soft kiss on my palm.
“Look at me,” he says.
I obey.
“I want to get to know you, but one step at the time,” he brushes my hand softly. “Slowly. There is no rush,” he says. “If you ever need to talk about anything that has happened before we met, I’m here for you. But I will never push you to tell me anything you don’t want.”
“I wish I could tell you.” I whisper and turn my head away.
“One day,” he whispers.
His expression changes. There is a shade of pain in his eyes.
“You’ve asked about the ring,” he starts.
I follow his gaze to his hand.
“Do you believe in true love, Mia?” he asks.
His eyes find mine and I hold a breath.
“I do.” I sigh. “Don’t you?” I ask.
“It’s not that I don’t believe in love,” he frowns. “Because I do. But it scares me. Nothing hurts like love.” I see the pain in his eyes. Whatever this woman did to him, it broke him somehow.
“Why?”
“When you love someone, you are vulnerable, and when they are being torn away from you, the worst thing is the inability to say goodbye.”
He barely whispers those last words. Dead silence falls between us. He looks at me, his expression full of pain. I shake my head in disbelief like I’m trying to deny something. But what? That he’s as broken as I am? Or that the pain in his eyes makes me remember the pain I’ve felt when I left Matt behind. He knows this kind of pain. She didn’t leave him. She was taken from him. I swallow hard, tears threatening to fall.
“What happened?” I ask quietly.
He looks into my eyes.
“Car accident,” he says shortly. “Almost three years ago.”
Oh, God. I feel the air being sucked out of my lungs.
“They died, I didn’t,” he says, his voice full of guilt. “I only have a couple of scars, but they...” his voice breaks. “They didn’t make it.”
“They?”
No, no, no, no. This can’t be right. I look into Kai’s eyes, but he nods.
“My wife and my unborn child,” he exhales and looks away. “She was eight months pregnant. We were coming back home after dinner. Some drunk asshole hit our car. Lisa wasn’t wearing seat belts. She fell out through the windshield. Died in the scene. So did my son.”
I feel tears rolling down my cheeks.
“I never talked about this. Neither with my family nor my friends,” he squeezes my hand. “That night had killed something inside me. I didn’t want to remember. I wanted to forget Lisa ever existed, so I pushed the memories of her away.” He shrugs and I pull him closer. “I started drinking, but it didn’t help me ease the pain. It only made things worse,” he hesitates. “If it wasn’t for Caleb, I would be drowning my sorrow in alcohol until I’d drown.” He admits.
“I’m so sorry,” I say and hold him tight.
I want to say that of all the people in the world – I understand. I know how it feels to lose someone you loved. I lost them all.
The strange thing about death is, we walk past through it without paying attention – until it affects someone we know or love. When a stranger dies – life goes on without as much as a blink of an eye. When we lose someone we care about – they take a part of us alongside. People die every day and yet we don’t care about it until it’s someone close to us. Car accidents, plane crash, suicide, murder... we see it all over the news day by day. But these people are just numbers – someone who lived and died. And that’s all we care about until we lose the ones we love.
That changes everything.
Seeing that our loss is just another number for someone else. Seeing that someone we love is being forgotten so easily. Witnessing how life goes on without them.
That hurts.
I know, in the end, we are just characters in someone else’s story. Nothing more. There is no compassion, no regret – life just goes on. Only we get stuck in the place of no return. Only our world stops. Only our heart breaks. In the world where we can be anyone, we certainly forget way too often, how to be a human.
I feel guilty for bringing those memories back. I know this kind of pain, know how much it hurts. I never intended to dig my nails into his wounds. I didn’t know. How could I’ve known? Kai is a stranger. We met a few days ago.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeat.
“Don’t be. None of this is your fault,” he says.
He grabs my hands.
“I had to get this out of my chest. And call me a freak, but I feel that you of all people can understand my pain. You’ve lost someone too,” he whispers.
I nod.
“This accident wasn’t your fault, Kai,” I assure him.
I know he blames himself for what has happened. I see the guilt in his eyes.
“It was. I was driving. I could have done something, but I wasn’t fast enough,” his voice breaks.
Guilt. The first step of self-destruction. Step I’ve taken so many times I can’t count. But it’s different seeing someone else feeling what I’d felt. Helplessness and anger. That almost consumed me had him in their claws as well. Loss. That tore me inside, hurts knowing that I’m not alone feeling this kind of pain.
I set my head on his shoulder.
“Are you looking for redemption?” I ask looking him deep in the eyes.
“I don’t think in my case, redemption is possible. I fucked up. I am the only one to blame.” He wipes a tear from my eye. “After Lisa died, my life collapsed like a domino. I was a hopeless piece of shit. I hurt many people, pushed away even more. My father, Caleb, my mother. I shut them all.”
He touches my face gently. Here I am, standing in front of someone as broken as me. I no longer need to hide my scars. First time in a while no one asks if everything’s okay. He understands my pain. He knows I’d felt it too. Yet he doesn’t ask. He lets me inside without asking for anything in return.
“I am a hopeless case, Mia,” he says sadly, dropping his eyes to the floor.
“I thought so, too.” I grab his hand. “I’ve been running away from my fear for what feels like an eternity. Fear of being hurt, fear of losing my life again. I was so concerned with losing what I’d built, that I forgot to live.” My voice breaks. “I was so lonely and scared. I thought running away can keep me safe. But this is not a life. It’s torture.”
I pull him into an embrace.
A stranger.
“I know how hard it is to let go,” he whispers. “But it’s time to move on. We can’t keep living in our past. Life goes on whether we like it or not.”
His eyes travel to mine.
“I don’t believe that I can fix what’s broken in me. I tried. There was no way I could move on,” he takes a deep breath. “Until I met you.”
Chapter Ten
Kai
Present
She’s holding me tight in an embrace. I can hear her heart beating like crazy. I feel her warmth on my skin. She’s there. She’s real. Even though for the past two weeks she’s hunted me in my dreams almost every single night. Even though I thought I would never get the chance to see her again. Now, she’s by my side.
I feel safe.
I feel strangely sheer, even though she’s a complete stranger. Looking at her, I see something more. I see hope. Comprehension. When I’m next to her all this pain fades away a little. From the moment we met, I feel this undeniable connection between us. And I know she can sense it too. We’re more than two broken souls looking for... For what exactly? Happiness? Forgiveness? Love? Redemption?
I look her deep in the eyes. Beautiful, blue eyes. These eyes that made my heart skip a beat the night we met. And it feels like we’re frozen in time. Just her and me. I hear ‘behind blue eyes’ playing in my mind. The song I’d listened to so many times after Lisa died. “No one knows what it’s like to be the bad man, to be the sad man. Behind blue eyes. And no one knows what it’s like, to be hated, to be fa
ded to telling only lies. But my dreams they aren’t as empty as my conscience seems to be. I have hours, only lonely. My love is vengeance that’s never free”
Suddenly it all feels so surreal. To be holding her. To be by her side. I’d never thought I’ll feel this way ever again in my life. That I will long to a woman – that she’ll be my oxygen. I never imagined that there could be someone else except Lisa. She was my world – and my world fell apart when she’d died. Yet here I am, holding someone as broken as me – feeling happy. First time in years I feel like I can breathe again.
I turn my head towards her and cup her face in my hands. She stares at me without the blink of an eye. Her eyes travel chaotically around my face – like she’s looking for an escape. But there is no escape from what is about to come. She knows it as much as I do. I can feel she needs it too. I can tell she’s just as afraid and excited at the same time as me. Her breath quickens.
“Kai,” she whispers.
Our lips collide seconds after in a hungry, primal kiss – the kind of kiss that the world depends on. Her walls fall down completely. I put my hand in her hair and drag her closer. She gasps out of breath but doesn’t stop kissing me. Nothing else matters. This moment could last forever.
Just like in a romantic movie, a song plays in my head. A song that could describe us. Us? It’s strange thinking about her this way, like she’s mine – but at the same time, it’s so natural, like she’d been a part of my life forever. “Never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way. All these words I don’t just say and nothing else matters. Trust I seek and I find in you. Every day for us something new. Open mind for a different view and nothing else matters”
She deepens a kiss and moves closer to me. I can hear her heart beating in the rhythm of mine. Like we’re one. I bite her lower lip gently and she lets out a quiet moan. She’s got me going crazy. I’m lost. Lost in her. Lost in this kiss. But I want more. I want her. More with every kiss. More with every touch. I can’t get enough of her.
I groan.
I know we shouldn’t. I know we’re just two strangers with a fucked up past. But I need it and she needs it too. She might be in denial, but her kisses betray her intentions. Flirty. Nasty. Hungry. She wants me just as much as I want her.
I break the kiss and look her deep in the eyes. They’re burning with desire. God, she’s so beautiful. There’s no shame in her eyes. No remorse. No hesitation. She stares at me with those lovely, big, blue eyes. Her gaze is so intense I can feel it touching my soul. Then she moves on my lap and kisses me gently. And I’m gone.
The last of my self-control has vanished.
I crash my mouth on hers and throw my jacket on the floor before pushing her on the sofa. Her hands travel through my body wildly. Her body is shaking. She moans as our lips part for a split of a second. I reach for a zipper of her dress unsure if she’s okay with it but she unbuttons my shirt. I groan and hold my breath. She’s so damn sexy.
The last button is gone and she takes off my shirt completely as I work my way with the zipper of her dress. I hate zippers. So fuckin’ much. It gets stuck and she helps me out with it, her hands are shaking as much as mine though. So instead of fighting this damn zipper, I grab the bottom of a dress and pull it over her head.
Even in my dreams, I never imagined her body is so perfect. Round, full breasts. Flat belly with a perfectly shaped waistline. Small, curvy butt. And underwear. Black. Lace.
I hiss.
I kiss her. Harder. Wilder.
She moans and reaches for my belt.
A second later she’s in control. Her shaking hands are fighting with the belt. I smile admiring her beauty. She’s perfect – so fuckin’ perfect. Her face. Her body. The way she moves her hands over my body. Every time she touches me, I get harder and I’m fighting the need to take her as I am. I want her so much I barely control myself.
She undoes my belt and takes my trousers down.
“Your bedroom,” I growl. “Now.”
She doesn’t need to be asked twice. She grabs my hand and leads me upstairs. It’s dark in the house, but the soft moonlight lights the staircase, giving me the best view of her butt. Her hips are waving with every step she takes and I need to fight the urge to take her here and now. Just a few more steps. I comfort myself.
She opens the door to her bedroom and drags me inside. The moment I step inside her lips land on mine.
“Lights on, Mia,” I command, my voice harsh with excitement. “I want to see you.”
She obeys. Split second later she’s back to kissing me and we move towards her bed. There’s something more between us than just sexual attraction and I know we both feel it. The way our hearts beat in one rhythm. The way my heart jumps with every touch of her warm palms. I’m falling for her. Falling for a stranger. And I can’t help it.
I undo her bra and let it fall to the floor before throwing her on the bed. Then I stop myself for a moment. Take it slow. I restrain myself. She’s trembling underneath me and it takes all the strength I have to resist the urge to take her.
“Make love to me, Mia,” I whisper to her ear.
Yes. Love. Not just some fast, carefree, casual sex. I want more than that. I want this to last and I want it to be remarkable – just as she is. I want her for more than one night. I want her to stay. I want to wake up next to her. Tomorrow. The day after. And the next day.
I want her to be mine.
I kiss her neck and she moans arching her back so I can feel her body pressing on mine. Control. I remind myself and start to kiss her collarbones. I grab her breast and begin to play with the nipple.
“Kai,” she whispers, her voice shaking.
I suck one nipple then the other until she moans, saying my name again.
Control.
I shower her belly with kisses, caressing her breasts at the same time. I’m in control. She moans and twirls underneath me. Her breath quickens the lower I get. And the moment I reach her panties, I know why. She’s soaking wet.
And I lose control.
I take off her panties with one quick move and toss it aside. I take out a condom from my pocket, thanking myself I packed one. I roll it quickly on my swollen dick and dive inside her with one fast thrust. She moans as I start to drift inside her.
She comes a few minutes later, screaming my name. It’s the most amazing sound I’d heard in years. I try to hold out a little longer, but the more she moans, the closer I am. So I just let go and my orgasm comes crashing down in seconds.
I pull out of her and get rid of the protection. She smiles softly and grabs my hand. I lay by her side and hug her kissing her forehead.
She’s here.
She’s real.
And for the first time since Lisa died, I am happy.
“I’m not sure if you know, but when we first met, I was so nervous I didn’t know what to say,” I whisper and kiss her cheek.
I hold her chin up to meet my eyes. She’s blushing and I pinch her nose gently.
“I want more, Mia,” I say.
She opens her eyes wide.
“But we just,” she says.
“I don’t mean sex. Well, this too but not now.” I caress her lips. “I want us. I want you to be mine.”
“Kai, I...” her voice shakes.
“Shh. You don’t need to answer now.” I say and kiss her softly.
When I wake up the next morning, her side of the bed is empty. Her side of the bed. I smile at the thought of it. It feels like we’ve been together forever, even though she didn’t say yes yet. But she will. I convince myself. I know she feels there’s more between us. I know she can sense the chemistry too – the connection we have is undeniable.
I look around the room. It’s modern – white walls, dark oak floor, and furniture. Very minimalistic. There are a few personal things. On the small dressing table stands a picture showing two adults and a sweet little girl. They’re all smiling. I can tell these people are her parents, and this sweet little g
irl between them is Mia. When they had taken this picture, she wasn’t over six years old. She looked way different though – long, blond curls framed her beautiful face. She was full of life. Happy.
I get out of bed to take a closer look. I take a picture in my hands.
Mia enters the room seconds later. She’s smiling but her face drops the moments she sees me holding this print. I look at her but she shakes her head.
“Mia,” I say.
“You need to leave,” she says with a shaking voice.
I put the portrait on its place and head over to her. I grab her hand but she sets herself free.
“This will not work,” she whispers. “Please, Kai, leave.”
I feel like someone stabbed me in my heart. Her eyes get swollen and tears threaten to fall.
“You don’t want me to leave,” I say. “Don’t lie to yourself, don’t throw it away.” I grit my teeth.
“We can’t do it,” she takes a step back. “I can’t do it.” She shakes her head.
“Mia, please. Just try.” I follow her.
“No,” she says firmly, “it won’t work.”
“You can’t deny there’s something between us. I know you feel it too.”
She swallows hard.
“Last night was a mistake,” she utters.
“No, it wasn’t.”
I step closer to her and grab her in my arms. She shivers.
“Please, just leave,” her voice breaks.
I glance at her and my heart breaks. She’s lying to herself. She fears to take a chance. But I understand. It takes one to know one.
So I get dressed and walk away, shutting the door behind me. By the time I reach home I’m so mad I’ve never been before. Not at her. I’m pissed at myself for letting her go. For giving up. I know we can work things out and I need to show her I’m not giving up on her. So I call the last person I would seek an advice from. After five signals, a sleepy voice speaks with sarcasm.
“Well, hello brother dearest.”
Chapter Eleven
Mia
Present