by S. A. Ichigo
I feel like my heart is being torn from my chest piece by piece. I hate them and love them at the same time. I curse them and I miss them so much it kills me. I wish they were here, but their betrayal hurts like hell. It’s their fault I lost everything. They chose some stupid agenda over me. No matter their intentions were good. They sacrificed not only their own lives for some shit-worthy organization but also mine. Without as much as a blink of an eye.
Tears are rolling down my mother’s face and I cry with her. I wish they’d never taken that step. I wish they’d be just lawyers, not some damn detectives fighting a battle they can’t win.
“I hope you will forgive us one day.” her voice is barely a whisper. “I love you, my sweet little girl. Always remember it.”
Then the screen goes blank and I cry as loud and hard as I never did. After a few seconds, another window pops up and the files my mother talked about are there. But I don’t want to look at them. I don’t want to know. I’ve done my part.
Agent Miller looks as shocked and scared as me. He gathers the other agents and they start to go through the files. Agent Miller gives the order to run all the names through the database and sends a few agents to gather the team. It’s going to be hell once the FBI investigates these people. I feel dizzy and all I want to do is run away. So I get up from a chair and storm out of the room.
I run as fast as I can, not looking where I set my feet. Tears stream down my face as I move around the empty halls of the FBI’s bureau. I bolt around the corner and bump into a man. I lose my balance and fall to the ground. I’m so shaken up I’m barely breathing. The man reaches out a hand to help me stand up.
“Thank you,” I mumble as I get up. “I’m sorry I...”
And then I freeze.
A pair of green eyes sets on me with the intensity that could break a world in half. Shock and disbelief are spreading across his face - and pain so intense my heart stops beating.
“Oh my God,” he whispers. “Eden.”
Those beautiful green eyes fill with tears as he reaches out to touch my face. Those eyes that used to be my entire world.
“You are alive,” he whispers.
Chapter Fourteen
Mia
Present
I blink. Then once more. My mouth drops open and I shake my head. This is wrong. It can’t be happening. Not now. Not after everything I’ve been through lately. I step away and I increase the distance between us, trying to stay as far as I can.
“Don’t deny it, I’m not stupid,” he says, looking me deep in the eyes. “I know it’s you, Eden.”
“I’m sorry, but you’ve mistaken me with someone else.” I lie.
He laughs harshly.
“Please, stop making a fool out of me,” he says, clenching his teeth.
His voice is ice-cold. His face is firm and I feel his gaze drilling through my body. He’s different from what I remember. Older – yes, but it’s more than his age. He’s distant and cold. His expression is blank and heavy. He’s like a predator looking at his prey.
I take another step away, but he grabs my wrist.
“Let me go or I will scream,” I say.
He tightens the grip and with one fast more drags me closer to him.
“Scream, if you want, I have nothing left to lose,” he says. “You owe me an explanation.”
I look at him, fear in my eyes. I’ve never seen this side of him before. I never imagined he could be aggressive towards me or anyone. People change, I guess. Matt is not the same man anymore. It takes only one look at him to acknowledge the fact that he’s a stranger. Not only because he looks different, but yes, his eyes lost their sparkle, dark circles underneath them are so big like he hadn’t slept in days. His hair is a mess, so is his beard. He’d never worn a beard before, his face was always shaved and delicate. Now, he looks like a completely different person. His gaze is firm and full of pain. He’s not the same Matt. He’s not mine Matt anymore.
I want to run as far as I can, but he’s right about one thing. I owe him at least an explanation. I can’t turn back time, but I can’t run away anymore. I promised myself to stop vanishing every time something went wrong. No more burying my head in the sand.
I have so many questions too. I want to know why as well. Why did he hide a message from my mother? Why did he send it after six years? Remorse? Guilt? Or maybe something more? And why did he say he has nothing left to lose? He’s got a family. He can lose them now. He’s been hiding very important evidence for half of a decade. He can go to prison for many years. Why would he sacrifice his family in order to... do what exactly?
He holds my gaze and I know there’s no point of denying it anymore. He knows who I am. After all, he knew me almost all his life. It’s hard to forget someone even if they look a bit different.
“Okay,” I say. “Let’s talk.”
We head outside of the building and Matt leads me towards the cemetery across the road. He moves through the alleys so fast I barely keep up. He walks dragging me to the very place I never thought I will ever see. My grave. I wouldn’t be able to find it on my own, but he seems to know the path without looking. My heart breaks when I read the inscription.
“When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.”
I gasp out of breath and look at him. He clenches his fists.
“Do you know how many times I’ve been here before?” he asks not looking at me.
I shake my head.
“Every day for the past five and a half years,” he exclaims. “Every fuckin’ day since you were gone!” His face is furious. “Even the day of my wedding I came here to ask for your blessing!” he cries. “And you weren’t even here! All this time you were alive!”
His eyes are ice cold.
“Why?” he whispers. “Just tell me why?”
“Calm down, Matt. Just, please, calm down.” I beg him.
“ How the fuck, do you expect me to calm down, huh? How can I be calm when a person who wrecked my heart and ran away is standing in front of me?” he shouts.
“You knew?” I ask. “How?”
“Of course, I knew! They didn’t even let me see your body! In my gut, I always knew something was wrong. A few months after your funeral, your house had been sold, so was your apartment. I knew you were still out there. I couldn’t let you go. You left me. So expect nothing from me now,” he’s furious. “But I kept coming here, anyway. Every damn day. Because I didn’t want to believe you could leave me behind,” he looks at me. “But now, I do.”
“I had to,” I say.
“Bullshit! You could have told me! I would have gone with you. We could have been happy!” his voice breaks. “But you tossed away all we’ve had to trash!”
“I couldn’t ask you to give up on your life for me!” I cry.
He takes a step towards me.
“You were my life.” He grabs my face in his hands and looks me deep in the eyes. “I would do anything for you within the blink of an eye.”
“I couldn’t ask you to put your life on hold.” I sob and turn my face away.
“You did it anyway. For years I’ve been living with the thought not only you ran away, but you didn’t love me enough to see, I would run with you. I’d spent years of my life searching for you!” he shouts. “Years, Eden. Not days. Not months. Years.”
“Why?”
“Because I loved you so much I couldn’t let you go,” he says calmer now. “Because you were my everything.”
I feel guilty, but then I remember Agent Miller’s voice. Matthew Richmond’s fingerprints were found on the letter. And my heart breaks. I was so blind.
“Then why did you hide my mother’s tape away from me?” I ask. “Why?”
It’s like a slap to his face. Once again all the emotions disappear from his expression and he stares at me with ice-cold eyes. He’s trying to read me, but I’m not letting him trick me. I’ve been living with the guilt of leaving him behind all this time – until now. Now that I know he gav
e up on me long before I’ve given up on him. And it hurts like hell. But somehow I feel free. Like all this pain vanished the moment I found out about what he’s done.
“You said that you would do anything, but you didn’t do the one thing you should. You should’ve told me the truth, no matter how dirty and harmful it was.” I say. “Why did you give up the recording now? Why not five years ago?”
“I was protecting you.”
“No, Matt. You were protecting someone else, not me, and we both know that. Otherwise, you would tell me the truth. You wouldn’t hide it away.” I say roughly. “At least have guts to admit it.”
He clenches his fists and turns to me.
“Fine,” he exhales. “You want to know my secret? The worst, darkest, deepest secret I kept from you all those years, even before your parents died?” he asks harshly.
I nod not sure if I’m ready to hear it. He takes a deep breath and then speaks with the most ice-cold voice I’ve ever heard.
“My dad was a corrupted cop,” he says. “Your parents knew about it. It was one of the main reasons your father never fully approved of me.” He exhales.
“What are you trying to tell me?” tears gather in my eyes.
“My dad was the one who had betrayed your parents. My dad sold them out to this cartel boss. My father is responsible for their death,” he says. “And I knew about it the moment I found out Martinez killed them.”
He drops his gaze to the ground.
“No.” I shake my head in disbelief. “No...” I whisper.
Suddenly it all falls in place and I realize how much his betrayal hurts. He knew. All those years he kept me in the dark, just like my parents did. All those years he lied to me. But now everything is bright and clear to see. The tape my kidnappers asked about – they didn’t mean the CCTV recording. They knew about my mother’s tape. They knew about everything. So did he. And I can’t help but wonder if he was involved in this as well.
“I was so afraid you will hate me for lying to you, so I hid the tape,” he says. “I knew your mother figured out my father was corrupted and I was afraid she mentioned it on that tape. He was still my father, despite his actions. I couldn’t...” his voice breaks. “I was so afraid of losing you both, I...”
Tears are rolling down my face. He of all the people in the world should have trusted me enough to tell me the truth. He should have believed my love for him was stronger than what his father had done. Because if he would tell me the truth, I would forgive him. I would stay. Even though it hurts like hell to know he’d been lying to me long before I lost my family.
“You gave up on me the moment you hid that tape away from me,” I whisper. “You erased me the moment you lied to my face,” I say. “How could you do this to me? You, of all people.”
“Eden, please,” he grabs my hand, but I yank it back. “Please, forgive me.”
“No, Matt,” I say. “I spent years of my life feeling guilty for leaving you behind. There wasn’t a day I didn’t think about you. I prayed for a miracle to have you back in my life!” I cry. “Did you even think, just once, that if you would have told me the truth I wouldn’t have to run away?” I break.
There’s nothing left. Nothing. I feel like someone ripped my heart off my chest. And I know there’s nothing more for us. Not then, not now, never. I wonder if he ever really loved me as much as he says he did. I don’t believe you can love someone and lie to them at the same time. Not like this. He protected his father over my safety – like all those years we’d been together meant nothing to him.
“You have no clue how much I hate you right now,” I whisper.
He takes a step towards me.
“Stay the fuck away from me,” I say. “I don’t want to hear from you ever again. You are dead to me, Matt.”
“Eden, please. Don’t do this to me. Not again,” he begs.
“You know what’s funny? Five years I was blaming myself for all this shit when you were the one to blame! Five long years I missed someone I didn’t even know! Five fuckin’ years I spent on wishing to have you back!” I laugh harshly. “I am so grateful to you for opening my eyes. I only regret my mother ever trusted you despite who your father was. She trusted you to protect me. She trusted you with my life!” I snap.
“I would protect you if you wouldn’t run away!” he shouts.
“I am happy I ran away,” I say. “Otherwise you would hide the truth away from me all my life.”
“I couldn’t tell you. That would put a target on your back.”
“It did, Matt. I almost died because I had no idea about any of it.” I whisper.
“I can’t be held responsible for my father’s choices!”
“Your father made his own choice when he betrayed my parents,” I exclaim with a cold voice. “You made yours when you lied to my face.” I look him deep in the eyes. “Like father like son, I guess?” I shake my head. “I only wish I never knew you. I wish I never loved you. I wish I never met you.”
I turn away.
“Rot in hell, Matt,” I add. “You belong there.”
And with that, I walk away. Tears are streaming down my face, but I don’t stop. I keep walking until I reach the gates of the cemetery. I turn around to take the last look at this place. Matt is still standing in front of my grave, frozen like a stone. Yet, I feel nothing. No guilt. No remorse. No sadness. I’m done.
For good.
Chapter Fifteen
Kai
Present
She’s been away for over a week now and during this time we barely spoke. She was too consumed by whatever she’s been doing in LA, she wouldn’t say what. I miss her like crazy and I’m worried about her. Whenever we spoke she seemed very sad, but again, she wouldn’t tell me why. So when she called me earlier today, saying she’s flying back to Nashville this evening, I dropped everything I had planned for the day and went home. Her home – well, our home. It feels odd to think about her place like my home, but I do. My home is wherever she is.
I pick up roses from the nearby shop and head over to the airport. I swear minutes feel like hours now. I can’t wait to see her, to hold her and kiss her. I search the arrivals board and to my surprise, there’s no flight from LA to Nashville this evening. Why would she say she’s coming back tonight then? Maybe I misheard her.
I head over to the information desk only to confirm that no plane will arrive until early morning hours. I turn my head and am just about to leave the airport when I see her. She’s not alone though. The man next to her is wearing a black suit and glasses. He’s talking with her, but he’s looking directly at me. And then her eyes meet mine. She’s surprised to see me. They talk for a moment longer and then the man shakes her hand and goes back. They seem in professional relations, which still does not explain how she’s gotten over here. I trust her, but I have a bad feeling about whoever this man is. He doesn’t look friendly and judging by the look she gave him; she doesn’t like him much.
I walk towards her slowly. Her face brightens and all the bad emotions fade away. She’s back. And it feels so good to have her in my arms after such a long time. She holds me tight, but I can feel she’s stressed about something. Her body is shaking and her breath is uneven. I grab her face in my palms.
“What is it?” I ask softly.
“We need to talk,” she exclaims with an uncertain voice.
Of all the sentences in the world, ‘we need to talk’ is one of the scariest ones. You never know what might hide behind it, all you can assume, it’s nothing good. And judging by the look on her face, she doesn’t have any good news either. Her gaze is firm but uncertain like she wants to speak, but she’s not sure she should.
“Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.” I try to cheer her up.
She squeezes my hand and we walk towards the car. The road back home passes in silence, although no words are needed. She’s stressed about something, maybe even afraid and I have a bad feeling that it somehow involves the man she flew here t
oday with. There’s something in those beautiful blue eyes that scares me. I haven’t seen her so sad in weeks. Something bad happened to her.
We reach her house and as soon as I park she darts off inside. I follow her, trying to remain calm, but every nerve in my body tenses. Something is terribly wrong.
“I can’t do this anymore,” she says once we enter the living room.
I freeze. Not again. We’ve had this conversation already.
“You can’t do what?” I ask surprised, but I feel a strange bug inside my heart.
She’s going to leave. She’s going to run away. My mind screams. I’ve been there before. She’s had the same look on her face the night she said we can’t be together. The same look of pain and fear she has now. I swallow. She shakes her head and comes closer to me.
“I can’t live a lie anymore,” she whispers.
I assumed she will turn her back on me, but she comes closer and grabs my palms. Her hands are shaking so is her voice, but she guides me towards the couch. I’m not sure how to react.
“Have a seat,” she says.
I take a seat not dropping my gaze from her. She swallows and sits next to me. She’s stressed and I can feel that whatever she’s about to tell me isn’t easy for her.
“Do you trust me?” she asks uncertainly.
I nod.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me.” I ensure her, although I’m not sure I want to know.
She hesitates for a moment.
“My parents were killed six years ago,” she says, not looking at me. “Right in front of my eyes. I saw their death with my own eyes.”
That explains nightmares she’s been having. She’s still reliving whatever happened. There were plenty of nights when she woke up screaming or crying, nights when she didn’t sleep at all, but she wouldn’t tell me what’s wrong. It all makes sense now, though. I can’t even imagine what she must have been through. I lost my wife, but it was different. I remember only flashes from the night of the accident, Mia saw the death of her parents with her own eyes.