An Amish Singing

by Amy Clipston

  Darlene’s bottom lip trembled.

  Biena entered the kitchen from the stairwell and stopped short. “Where’s Mamm?”

  “Bad night.” Darlene’s voice wobbled as the nearly relentless sadness flooded her soul. She hadn’t seen her friends in two weeks, not since last worshipping with the members of her church district. They all had their own lives and responsibilities, and they rarely if ever came into her father’s store. For days, she’d looked forward to church and then spending the afternoon visiting and singing with them. And when Mamm was better yesterday, she’d thought she’d have that chance.

  But now her hope for the day was dashed.

  Would her friends really miss her? After all, Sharon forgot she missed their gathering last Sunday. If Darlene stayed away too long, would they just stop inviting her to join them?

  She gritted her teeth as guilt raised its ugly head. How could she worry about seeing her friends when her mother was in such bad shape?

  “I’ll check on her.” Biena started for the hall, but Dat captured her arm and gently pulled her back to him.

  “No. She just fell asleep. Leave her be.” He huffed out a breath, and Darlene took in the dark circles under his eyes. He must have been awake all night.

  Darlene swallowed against the thickness in her throat. She was disappointed about not seeing her friends while her father had lost sleep. How could she be so selfish?

  Biena nodded. “Oh. Okay. What would you like for breakfast, Dat? I’ll make it.”

  “Nothing, danki. I’m going to rest until she wakes up.” Dat stepped toward the doorway and then turned. “You two go on to church.”

  “Why would we when Mamm is so krank?” Biena asked.

  “It wouldn’t be right for us to go to church after you’ve been up all night, Dat. You should get some sleep.” Darlene pointed toward the family room. “Go rest in your recliner, and Biena and I will care for Mamm.” She glanced down at her dress. “I just need to change my clothes, and then I’ll eat something before peeking in to check on her.”

  “No.” Dat shook his head. “Go to church, and then spend the afternoon with your freinden.”

  Darlene turned toward Biena, who looked just as conflicted as she felt. Then she swiveled back to Dat. “But what if you need help?”

  Dat scrubbed his hand down his face. “I’ll be fine. We have plenty of leftovers in the fridge, and I know how to warm them up. And I’ll call on a neighbor to help with the animals. Go enjoy your day. You both deserve it.” Then he pivoted and left.

  Darlene blinked and faced her sister. “Why doesn’t he want us to help?”

  Biena stepped closer and rubbed Darlene’s arm. “I overheard him talking to Mamm the other day, and they were saying they want us to have some sense of normalcy. That’s why they want us to see our freinden.”

  Darlene snorted. “Normalcy? That’s what Dat said to me too. But nothing will be normal again if Mamm doesn’t get well.”

  “Don’t say that.” Biena’s expression grew fierce. “We have to trust in the Lord and have faith. I can’t explain it, but with all my heart, I believe his will is for Mamm to get better.”

  Darlene nodded, but her own heart ached. Unlike Biena’s faith and Dat’s, hers was dwindling day by day. She didn’t know what to believe anymore. But she could never admit that to anyone. Not her family, not her friends. They’d be disappointed in her. No, her doubts were hers and hers alone. Yet she craved the opportunity to be honest with someone about her confusing feelings, someone with whom she could freely share the burdens in her soul.

  * * *

  An hour later, Darlene walked with Biena toward the Bontragers’ house. She and her sister had said only a few words during the short and solemn buggy ride there. Darlene’s sorrow was slowly eating away any sense of happiness.

  “I’ll see you in the barn.” Biena gave her a weak smile and then left to join some friends standing on the back porch. Darlene looked around to see if any of her own friends had arrived.

  When she spotted Alice and Sharon with Dave and Jay, she headed toward them. Alice looked so pretty in a bright-green dress that complemented the red highlights in her hair peeking out from under her prayer covering. And Sharon seemed to glow in her blue dress as she smiled up at Jay.

  Alice turned and saw Darlene, and her expression brightened. She met her halfway and enveloped Darlene in a tight hug. “It’s so gut to see you. How are you? How’s your mamm?”

  “About the same.” Darlene shrugged, and they joined the group. Mamm was worse, but she didn’t need to dampen anyone else’s day with that information.

  Sharon hugged her. “We were just talking about you. So your mamm isn’t doing better?”

  She couldn’t completely hide the truth. “She had another bad night. That just happens sometimes, but she’ll be okay.” She forced a smile.

  Sharon looked past her. “Is your dat here?”

  “No.” Darlene licked her dry lips. “He wanted to be the one to stay home with Mamm. Biena and I offered, but he insisted we come to church and see our freinden.”

  Alice looped one arm around Darlene’s shoulders. “We’ve missed you at our singings.”

  “I’m glad you’re back,” Dave offered.

  Jay smiled. “It’s gut to see you.”

  Darlene’s eyes moistened. Maybe her friends hadn’t given up on her.

  Jay turned to Sharon. “Are we going to sing for someone this afternoon?”

  “Ya, one of our newer gentlemen is on dialysis, and he’s struggling. I thought we could sing for him. His name is Enos Chupp.”

  “Darlene.”

  Darlene jumped at the sound of her name, then spun and nearly bumped into Andrew. Embarrassed, she felt her cheeks heat as she looked up at him. “Andrew. Hi.”

  “I didn’t mean to startle you.” He gave her a shy smile. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay.” That was her standard answer. Then she nodded at Cal as he moved past her to join Jay and Dave. They started talking, and she noticed Sharon and Alice were deep in discussion about their afternoon plans.

  “Are you really okay?” Andrew asked, his voice a little lower as though he didn’t want the others to hear.

  She looked into his face, and she was struck by the concern in his deep-brown eyes. Although she’d known him since starting school, they’d never been more than acquaintances. They shared the same group of friends, and they spent time together frequently, but they’d never been close.

  Darlene had always admired Andrew’s quiet demeanor. Cal was often the loud jokester who commanded the group’s attention, but Andrew was his opposite. He never made a fuss. He often stayed calm when their friends were excited about this or that, and his tranquility was comforting.

  Yet Darlene couldn’t recall a time when she’d had a deeply personal conversation with him. When they spoke, it was usually about mundane subjects, such as the weather or mutual acquaintances.

  But now Andrew was studying her, awaiting her response, and she was tongue-tied.

  “You can be honest with me,” he said.

  “I-I appreciate that.” And she did. But this wasn’t the time or place for her to pour out her heart—to anyone. If she ever did find the courage to bare her soul to someone, it would be in private. And most likely, she wouldn’t pour her heart out to Andrew. That would be too awkward and forward.

  He scanned the young people around them and then met her gaze again. Something in his eyes told her he understood. “Why don’t we talk later?”

  “O-okay.” She tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace.

  “It’s nine,” Sharon announced. “Time to head into the barn.”

  Alice grabbed Darlene’s arm. “Let’s go.”

  As Darlene allowed Alice to steer her, she glanced back and caught Andrew watching her. A strange awareness skittered through her veins, but she tried to ignore it and turn her attention to preparing for worship.

  * * *

  Andrew
sat between Jay and Cal in the unmarried men’s section of the barn. He tried his best to stay focused on singing the hymns and listening to the sermons, but his gaze kept drifting to the other side of the barn, where Darlene sat between Biena and Alice. She seemed to be lost in thought as she focused on her lap.

  When he’d first spotted her talking to Alice and Sharon earlier, his pulse had leapt—to his surprise—with actual joy. But as he moved closer to her, he’d noticed the sadness and anxiety in her pretty eyes. She seemed more burdened than ever.

  When he’d asked her how she was doing, he could tell by her hesitation and melancholy expression that she wasn’t sharing the whole truth. He yearned to encourage her to open up to him. But how?

  Andrew closed his eyes, then stared out an open barn window while pondering his sudden interest in Darlene. While he’d always considered her a friend—a good friend, in fact—they’d never shared a heart-to-heart conversation. He’d always appreciated how pretty she was, and she had a sweetness about her that set her apart. But this was different.

  Darlene always seemed thoughtful too. When they were in school, he noticed her going out of her way to talk to schoolmates who were loners. And when it was her turn to pick someone for her softball team, she chose students who weren’t the best players. She had a kind heart.

  Andrew bit his lower lip. Was he developing romantic feelings for Darlene? Was that possible with someone he’d known most of his life?

  Andrew joined the congregation for the fifteen-minute kneeling prayer, but when he closed his eyes, he thought about how strong Darlene tried to sound when asked about her mother’s illness. But was she only being brave while breaking on the inside?

  He couldn’t shake the feeling that she needed someone to listen, yet for some reason, not someone in her family or Sharon or Alice.

  But was it prideful for him to assume he could be the friend she needed?

  When the fifteen-minute prayer ended, he stood along with the congregation for the benediction and then the closing hymn. While he sang, Andrew’s eyes moved again to Darlene. To his surprise, she met his gaze, then gave him a shy smile before looking down at the floor.

  He made a decision. No matter what, he’d find a way to talk to Darlene after the noon meal. He’d encourage her to go with their friends to sing today if she seemed ready to go home instead. And given the smile she just gave him, maybe she’d even ride in his buggy with him.

  Somehow, he’d convince her to open up about how she was truly coping—or not coping—with her mother’s devastating illness.

  * * *

  “It’s gut to see Darlene here today,” Andrew commented as he and Cal moved the last of the benches turned lunch tables from the Bontragers’ barn. Now he, Jay, Cal, and Dave would wait for the girls to finish helping with cleanup in the Bontragers’ kitchen.

  “Ya, it is.” Jay folded his arms over his chest.

  “I hope she’s going to join us for the singing today.”

  “What’s with your sudden interest in Darlene?” Cal came closer and bumped his shoulder against Andrew’s.

  “What do you mean by that?” Andrew turned to him. “She’s our freind.”

  Cal displayed an exaggerated shrug. “It just seems like you’ve paid awfully close attention to her today. You were talking to her alone before the service, and I saw you looking at her during the service. Then at lunch, you kept peeking at her while she was delivering the food and filling kaffi cups.” He tapped his chin. “I think you like her.”

  “I do—as a freind.”

  Cal snorted. “I’d say you like her as more than a freind.”

  “So are we going singing?” Dave asked, probably sensing possible friction between friends.

  Jay nodded toward the house. “Sharon said they wouldn’t be long.”

  Cal sighed. “But it has been long. I wonder what the holdup is.”

  Just then Darlene came out the back door, Biena with her. “I’ll go see.” When they got closer, he could hear their conversation.

  “You’re going out with your freinden, then?” Darlene was asking Biena.

  “Ya, we’re going to play games at Linda’s haus.” Biena looked up and greeted Andrew, then turned back to Darlene. “Are you going with your freinden?”

  Darlene turned to Alice and Sharon as they appeared from the house and joined the group. “Are you still going singing this afternoon?”

  “Ya, we are,” Alice said. “We’re singing for the man I mentioned before church. Enos Chupp.”

  “Aren’t you coming with us?” Sharon asked.

  Darlene turned back to her sister. “Are you taking the horse and buggy?”

  Biena nodded. “I thought you could probably get a ride.”

  “You’re more than welcome to ride with me to the singing,” Andrew said. “And I can take you home too.”

  Darlene looked up at him. “Are you sure?”

  “Of course.”

  Darlene gave him a timid smile. “I guess I’m riding with you, then.”

  “Perfect.” Andrew smiled. Now he had the perfect opportunity to talk to Darlene alone.

  Chapter Four

  Darlene found herself feeling strangely calm as Andrew guided his horse down Old Philadelphia Pike, following Jay’s buggy. The sun’s bright rays streamed in through the windshield, and looking out the window, she admired the lush, rolling patchwork of green pastures dotted with farmhouses, barns, and livestock.

  What a wonderful day. I wish Mamm could enjoy it.

  Andrew’s voice broke through Darlene’s thoughts.

  “I noticed your dat wasn’t in church today. And I can’t remember the last time I saw your mamm there.”

  “Mamm can’t attend while she’s on chemotherapy. It’s too risky for her to be around crowds. She might catch something.” She kept her eyes focused out the window.

  “Oh. I think I’ve heard you say that before. And how are you feeling?”

  She turned toward him, giving him a smile she had a feeling he didn’t believe. “Like I’ve also said before, I’m okay.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure?”

  “Ya.” She fingered the hem of her apron. “Why?”

  “You just seem bedauerlich and preoccupied. And you have good reason to be.” He halted the horse at a light and then angled his body toward her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Suddenly self-conscious, she touched the ties to her prayer covering. “I’m fine. I’m not the one going through chemo.”

  “No, you’re not. But you’re supporting your parents, and you’re under a lot of stress.”

  Darlene shifted in the seat. Did she have a right to admit how stressed she felt when her mother was suffering? And Dat and Biena had to be just as stressed.

  She needed to gather herself before she lost control of her emotions. She glanced toward the intersection just as the light changed. “It’s green.”

  Andrew faced the windshield and guided the horse ahead.

  Desperate to change the subject, she asked the first question that popped into her head. “How’s your dat’s furniture store doing?”

  “We’re busy, and that’s gut.”

  “What are you working on in the shop?”

  He gave her a sideways glance. “A bedroom suite. I’ve been working on a triple dresser for days now. It’s going pretty well.”

  “What will the dresser be like when it’s done?”

  “It has six drawers and a hutch with four shelves and a mirror.” He glanced at her. “I’m going to stain it walnut.”

  “You said it’s part of a suite, right?” she asked, and he nodded. “What are the other pieces?”

  “Two nightstands, a headboard, and a footboard. I’m also working on . . .”

  As Andrew told her more about his work, Darlene relaxed for the first time in weeks. The knots in her shoulders eased and her always-ready frown dissolved. She was grateful Andrew had asked her to ride with him. He was a good friend, and
she liked hearing about his work.

  But another tingle of guilt appeared. Why should she get to relax?

  She tried to dismiss remorse at having left her parents on their own today, but it was a losing battle.

  “Have you met Enos Chupp?” Darlene asked as the horse pulled the buggy up to the Chupp family’s farm.

  A two-story, whitewashed home sat surrounded by three red barns, and a pair of horses stood in the pasture beside them.

  “No, I haven’t.” Andrew halted the horse. “But if he’s struggling with dialysis like Sharon said, I’m glad we’re here.”

  Darlene climbed out of the buggy and joined their other friends by the back porch. Then she and Andrew followed them up to the door, and Sharon knocked.

  A woman who looked to be in her midsixties came to the doorway. “Hello?”

  “Hi. We haven’t met yet, but I’m Sharon Lambert from our church district, and these are mei freinden.” She gestured toward them all. “We sing for members of our community, and we’d like to sing for Enos to brighten his day. If that’s okay with you, of course.”

  Darlene lingered at the back, aware of Andrew as he took a step closer to her.

  “Oh my.” The woman’s hazel eyes sparkled. “That would be lovely. What a blessing.” She held out her hand, and Sharon shook it. “I’m Hadassah.”

  “Nice to meet you.” Sharon’s smile widened.

  Hadassah beckoned them to enter. “Please come in.”

  Sharon stepped forward to lead everyone into the house, but Darlene couldn’t seem to move. The remorse she’d felt in the buggy was still with her. She’d wanted to help bring joy to this family’s day, but she should be home with her own family. She didn’t begrudge Biena spending time with her friends. She just knew it was wrong for her.

  She pressed her lips together and closed her eyes as renewed stress took hold. But she couldn’t let her friends see it. They already asked too many questions—even normally quiet Andrew.

  Darlene felt a hand on her arm, and when she looked up, Andrew immediately let go.

  “Hey.” His voice was soft and warm. “Are you okay?”

  “Of course.” She gave him a stiff nod.