for it.
AIDEN. No…
JP. And you know what else is funny?You’re going to succeed.
AIDEN. How am I?
JP. Because all the balls are in our court here.She’s left this shop thinking it’s a loser.
AIDEN. I’m assuming she thinks that.
JP. Why would she think otherwise?You were cool as a cucumber right?
AIDEN. I was cool.
JP. Gave her no cause to doubt.
AIDEN. Surprised myself actually.
JP. So we have the advantage here.The upper hand, so to speak.
AIDEN. Except for one little complication.
JP. Which is?
AIDEN. She took the ticket.
JP. And that was unfortunate, granted.But it just means we’ll have to do some old-fashioned honest legwork for our money – you get nothing for nothing in this life.
AIDEN. But why’d she take it back from me?Why’d she go and do that?
JP. Who knows with that freak?Nothing would surprise me.Probably uses her old Lotto tickets to save money on
toilet roll.
AIDEN. Jaysus
JP (looking out the window).You’ve a girl begging on your
wall outside.
AIDEN. I know, yeah.
JP. Some shithole we’ve been left with all the same?
Pause.
AIDEN. So??
JP. What?
AIDEN. What do we do now?
JP. We arise now and we go and fetch our ticket to the promised land.
AIDEN. I thought you might say that.
JP. We sign our names – both of our names mind – on the back of it.
AIDEN. Right.
JP. And we go together to claim the money as our own.The JPA syndicate.Been playing it for years.Twice a week.Can’t believe our luck.Life’s a rollercoaster.Blah blah blah and so forth and so on.
Pause.
AIDEN. Can we do it though?
JP. Do what?
AIDEN. Can we take the ticket?
JP. Course we can – candy from a pensioner.(Outside.) Jesus, she looks fairly miserable out there, God love her.
AIDEN. Forget about her for a minute, will you – listen to me – what I mean is – morally – can we do it?
JP. Morally?
AIDEN. Yes – you know – rightfully… ethically.
JP. I understand the word, Aiden.
AIDEN. Okay.
JP. I’m just not sure if you’re being serious with me now or not.
AIDEN. I am being serious with you.
JP. Because we don’t have an awful lot of time to play with here.The clock started ticking on this as soon as the old troll vacated the premises.
AIDEN. I understand that.
JP. Happy to hear it.
AIDEN. But I need to get it straight first.
JP. You need to…
AIDEN. In my own head.
JP. Your own head.
AIDEN. Before we do anything.
JP. Alright.
AIDEN. If we do anything.
JP. If we…?You’re pulling the piss out of me now, aren’t you?
AIDEN. I’m not, JP.
JP. You are – you have to be.
AIDEN. This is a huge step we are talking about.Life-changing stuff whatever way it pans out.It deserves some careful consideration.
JP. Jesus Christ.
AIDEN. At the very least.
JP. Well, I have to say – fair play to you, Ade – there is one thing you can never be accused of and that’s inconsistency.
AIDEN. I’m sorry?
JP. Nothing ever changes with you, does it?
AIDEN. Listen to me…
JP. You dilly-dally and drag your feet over the simplest of decisions no matter how cut-and-dry they might be.How Dee puts up with you I will never understand.
AIDEN. This is not about me, JP.Or Dee while we are at it, okay.And this decision is neither simple, nor ‘cut-and-dry’.
JP. On the contrary, Aiden – it’s a textbook example of both.
AIDEN. We are talking about taking a massive amount of money from a defenceless old woman here.
JP. Which you attempted to do by yourself less than half an hour ago.
AIDEN. No I didn’t.
JP. You didn’t?
AIDEN. No –
Pause.
JP. So what did you do exactly?
AIDEN. I got caught up in the moment and I was playing for time.
JP (annoyed). Ah here.
AIDEN. But that doesn’t mean I would have gone through
with it.
JP. What did you ring me for?
AIDEN. For this.
JP. For…?
AIDEN. To talk about it.To tease it out.
JP. Are you on drugs, Aiden?
AIDEN. To see if there is any justification in it at all.
JP. There is total and utter justification.
AIDEN. Beyond you just saying that there is.
JP. Well, I don’t know what more you want from me, I really don’t, but this is very upsetting now I have to tell you.
AIDEN. Look, take it easy, will you.Sit down.
JP. I don’t want to sit down.That’s actually the last thing I want to do.
AIDEN. Just talk it through with me for a minute.Just one minute is all.
JP sits.
Thanks.Okay.Basically – this is stealing here – right?
JP (stands). Mother of divine…
AIDEN. Please, JP – sit down – It’s stealing – isn’t it?
JP. Are we talking in biblical terms now?
AIDEN. Don’t be smart – in legal terms, okay.
JP. In legal terms – Oh, I see – In legal terms – then yes, you could certainly argue that point.
AIDEN. You could more than just argue it.
JP. Well, maybe you could.Maybe not.I don’t know for certain.
AIDEN. Yes you do.
JP. What I do know, Aiden – and I don’t need you telling me what I do and don’t know either – but what I do know is that you’re missing the oversize elephant sitting in the corner of the room here.
AIDEN. Okay – what’s that?
JP. There are other terms in play that override everything else added up together.
AIDEN. And they are?
JP. Economic terms.
AIDEN. Economic terms?
JP. Aka – The law of the land we live in.And in those terms what we’re looking at here is a simple redistribution of wealth.Same thing that went on in this shithole for nigh on ten years straight.Only difference with the situation we are faced with now is that the money is going to flow the proper way this time.Downstream.From the rich to the poor.From the haves to the nots.From the old to the young.From the almost-dead to the lives-left-to-lead.
AIDEN. I don’t know, JP.
JP. What don’t you know?What am I missing here?
AIDEN. I just…
JP. Are you worried about going to jail?
AIDEN (hadn’t even thought of that).Well, I am now.
JP. That’s not going to happen – we are way too smart for that.Too smart by a country mile – trust me.
AIDEN. Still though.
JP. What?What’s ‘still though’ about it?And please don’t tell me you are in any way concerned about Dirty Gertie Graham in this.
AIDEN. I am actually.
JP. Ahh, Aiden.
AIDEN. She’s not all that bad no matter what.
JP. She’s far worse and well you know it too.
AIDEN. Come on now.
JP. She practically destroyed me and enjoyed herself doing it.
AIDEN. You all played your own part in that madness, in fairness.
JP. Cheers for that, buddy.
AIDEN. You did though.
JP. I’m nothing but a gobshite, right?
AIDEN. Of course you’re not.
JP. Well, that’s what Gertie tells everyone who’ll listen to her.
AIDEN. She did call
you a gobshite here earlier come to think of it.
JP. There you go.
AIDEN. She did.
JP. And you think that’s right, do you? You think that’s fair
on me?
AIDEN. I don’t think that, no.And I told her as much too.
JP. Thank you.
AIDEN. You’re welcome.
Pause.
JP. And the icing on the cake?
AIDEN. What?
JP. Last month she sent me a friend request on Facebook.
AIDEN. Did she?
JP. Followed me on Twitter.
AIDEN. She’s into all that nowadays.
JP. Good for her.
AIDEN. None of any of that necessarily means she deserves this though.
JP. Deserves what but?Ha? What?Think about it, will you.What’s actually going to happen to her?She’s never going to know she won a red cent in the first place.That’s the beauty of this no matter what way you look at it.What you don’t know can never hurt you, can it?Look at me, sure – all those years with you and Dee behind my back – you see what I’m saying?
AIDEN. Look, JP…
JP. I’m only joking with you.
AIDEN. Good, because I’d hate to think you…
JP. Forget it, will you – Please, Ade – Can we save the little counselling session we have going on here till next week at least – when we’ve two hundred and fifty grand sitting in our bank account and the overall future’s looking a lot more rosy for all of us.We really need to get down to work now if we’ve any chance of getting the work done at all.
Pause.
AIDEN. So what’s your recommended plan of action?
JP. We’re moving on to phase two, yeah?We are into attack mode now, so to speak?Yeah?
Pause.
AIDEN. Yeah.
JP. Good man – (On his feet pacing again.)Okay – Can I have a Mars bar here?
AIDEN. Help yourself.
JP. Oh oh oh – Double Decker – can I have one of them instead?
AIDEN. Take what you want.
JP. I thought they’d stopped doing them.
AIDEN. Check the date on it.
JP takes a Double Decker bar and starts eating.He is obviously very hungry and gets caught up in eating the bar.
So?
JP. What?
AIDEN. How do we get our hands back on the ticket?
JP. Right, the way I see it, it’s simple enough.
AIDEN. It is?
JP. She put the ticket back in her bag?
AIDEN. She did.
JP. So we’ve two choices then.
AIDEN. Okay.
JP. We find a way to get the ticket back out of the bag.
AIDEN. Yes.
JP. Which, seeing as neither of us is the Artful fucking Dodger, sounds far too much like hard work and high risk for my liking.
AIDEN. So then…
JP. We just take the whole bag.
AIDEN. Take the whole bag?
JP. I’ll just have a pack of Tayto here as well okay?
AIDEN. Sure.
JP. Cheers.
AIDEN. Where are you thinking we take it from?The house?
JP. Are you mental?No chance.That pervert son of hers is holed up in there round the clock.I do not fancy getting caught, tied up and introduced to the gimp.
AIDEN. Where else then?
JP. We take it out on the street.
AIDEN. We…
JP. We mug her.
Pause.
AIDEN. Seriously?
JP. Yeah.
AIDEN. We mug her?
JP. We put on a couple of masks.Hit her a couple of slaps.Make off with the bag like a pair of shitehawks from Finglas.Take the ticket, whatever cash is there, bits, bobs – dump the rest in a field to be found.She’ll report it to the Guards.The Guards will take a statement.Put it on top of the pile marked ‘don’t bother your arse ’cause there’s no point whatsoever’.And that will be as far as that goes.We wait a few days.Claim the prize anonymously.Take it to our graves.(Going to the fridge.)Quick can of Coke here to wash all that down.Then we’ll get ourselves a move-on, okay?
Pause.
AIDEN. Ahhhh, shite.
JP. What?
AIDEN. I can’t do that, JP.
JP. Course you can.Just takes a bit of focus is all.
AIDEN. No – No – No that’s – that’s not me. That’s not me at all.
JP. It’s not you, is it, no?
AIDEN. No.Not at all.Not in the slightest. No.
JP. Okay.
Pause – JP drinking Coke.
(Belches.) So tell me then, because I’m actually intrigued now – what is ‘you’?These days?Huh?I mean – since you’re so sure and certain there of what’s not – fill me in here please – What is ‘you’? Now.As you’re standing there in front of me.
AIDEN. I don’t really know, to tell you the truth.
JP. Well, I’ll let you in on a secret here, Ade – Nobody does.Not any more.That’s why half the country is walking around looking like they just saw a ghost.
AIDEN. Maybe so but…
JP. What?
AIDEN. I do know – that I have to be… That I’m still…
JP. What?
AIDEN. I’m a good man, JP.
Pause.
JP. A good man, yeah?
AIDEN. Yeah.
JP. A good man.Okay. (Stealth-attack mode.) Who thinks that though?Ha?
AIDEN. Thinks…?
JP. That you’re a good man.
AIDEN. Well.
JP. You think the town here thinks that about you?
AIDEN. I would certainly hope so.
JP. You think your buddies up in the golf club think it?
AIDEN. I’ve never given them reason not to.
JP. What about your wife? – You think she thinks it?
AIDEN. Thinks…?
JP. That you’re a good man.
AIDEN. She knows I am.
JP. Maybe she does.
AIDEN. She absolutely does.
JP. And maybe she also knows exactly where that’s got you and her in your married lives to date.
Because being a good man’s not a good thing to be.Not by your definition.Not in this country.Never was.Never will be.You want to be a good man?Emigrate.Go somewhere your goodness will be valued.Rewarded.There’s plenty of places and they’re not a million miles away either.But if you want to stay in this place – you play the game by the majority rules.
(In one breath.) You put yourself first and foremost and fuck what effect it has on anyone else because they couldn’t care less about you and yours and deep down you know that’s true despite all the fairytales of Ireland that are told so stop looking at me like I just made it up for the good of my health because I didn’t.
JP crumples the can of Coke and puts it in the bin.
AIDEN. I can’t mug a pensioner, JP.
JP. You think Gertie Graham is going to give you this ticket for the good of her bad heart.
AIDEN. Of course she’s not.
JP. We have to take it from her.Okay.Same as she took from me.All the rest is just details. Fucking window dressing.
AIDEN. Listen.
JP. Don’t go getting bogged down in the mechanics or we’ll get nowhere and I’m telling you now as your partner on this – we need to move quickly.
AIDEN. There has to be a more civilised way, JP.
JP. Civilised?
AIDEN. Respectful.Sophisticated.
JP. Stop doing that to me, alright – I’m not an ignoramus no matter what you think or don’t.
AIDEN. A way to keep this whole thing a bit more ‘white collar’ –
JP. Right.
AIDEN. If you see what I’m saying.
JP. I see exactly what you’re saying.
AIDEN. So…
JP. So you think we can somehow keep our hands clean when they’re stuck deep down in shit.
AIDEN. Yes.
JP. That there’s some way we
can just trick her out of it.
AIDEN. Exactly.
JP. Like magic, yeah.
AIDEN. More like a ‘con job’, you know.
JP. A fucking con job.This just gets better and better.
AIDEN. That’s what you’re always saying she did to you though, isn’t it?
JP. Yes it is.Yes it is, Aiden. It’s exactly what she did to me and she did it with some style I have to hand it to her.
AIDEN. Well then.
JP. And you know the one thing I learned out of that whole debacle?
AIDEN. What?
JP. To be clever enough to know when I’m not clever enough.And trust me – if there were ten of us sitting round here we couldn’t come up with a plan to con Gertie Graham out of a single cent – never mind two hundred and fifty grand.
AIDEN. What if –
JP. Stop it now.
AIDEN. What if you called over there?
JP. It’s not happening – I told you.
AIDEN. Listen to me – what if you called over there and told her you were collecting old Lotto tickets.
JP. And why in the name of Jaysus would I be doing that?
AIDEN. I don’t know – that’s what we need to figure out.Come up with some story.Something like…
JP. That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard my whole entire life to date.
AIDEN. Okay fine – not that.
JP. ‘Howya, Gertie, you’re looking mighty – Listen,I’m collecting old Lotto tickets for an old Lotto ticket collection I’ve got going – would you mind having a look in your handbag for me there.’
AIDEN. Work with me here, will you –
JP. We don’t have time for this shite.
AIDEN. What if we both call over there, right.
JP. Aiden.
AIDEN. And… and one of us – one of us was at the front door…
JP. Aiden.
AIDEN. No – no, say the other went round the back door and we…
JP. Aiden.
AIDEN. And we…
JP. We are not calling over there.End of story.
AIDEN. Listen.
JP. There is nothing surer we would mess it up, tip her off
and blow our one and only chance.That’s not on the agenda for today.
AIDEN. But…
JP. But nothing.We are mugging her.That’s that.She has it coming.I don’t give a shit.Have you got anything here we can use as masks?
AIDEN. I can’t do it that way, JP.I just can’t.
Pause.
JP. Fair enough so, shag this for a game of soldiers. (Rises to leave.)
AIDEN. What?That’s it?
Chancers Page 3