JP. If you can’t do it, you can’t do it.No point in us falling out over it.I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah.
AIDEN. You’re leaving?
JP. I’ve a lot on today.
AIDEN. What have you on today?
JP. I just told you.A lot.
AIDEN. Come off it, will you.
JP. What’s that supposed to mean, you dickhead?
AIDEN. It means you’re the first and only person I rang with this because I knew you’d just be sitting around twiddling yourself.
JP. Oh really?
AIDEN. Yeah really.
JP. And here was me thinking it was because we were friends.
Pause.
AIDEN. There was that too.
JP. Because you valued my opinion on how to handle the situation.
AIDEN. And I do.
JP. No you don’t.Not in the slightest.
AIDEN. I’ve just been sat here listening to it for the last hour, haven’t I?
JP. Yeah and you’d be sitting there listening to it for the next ten if you were let.
AIDEN. Come on.
JP. Well, I can’t waste any more precious time hanging around here nattering.
AIDEN. Hold on a minute.
JP. What?
Pause.
AIDEN. You’re not thinking of doing this yourself.
JP. It looks like I might have to – doesn’t it?
AIDEN. That’s not on, JP.
JP. Why isn’t it?
AIDEN. No no no – we’re in this together.
JP. Not according to you we’re not.
AIDEN. I am disagreeing with your methods.That’s all.This thing is still mine.I found it.I put it in play.And I need that money.I need it more than you do.
JP. No one needs it more than I do.
AIDEN. We agreed…
JP. I agreed nothing, Aiden.
AIDEN. We agreed…
JP. I came over and listened as called on and asked to.I went and got my hopes up that you’d finally gone and grown a pair of bollocks.That just for once it was going to be worth something to know you in this life.But quick as a flash you revert to type and chicken right out.Exact same as you did with the Fairyhill development back in 2006.
AIDEN. What are you talking about?
JP. With all your risk profiling and due diligence.
AIDEN. I called that right, JP.You all lost your shirts on that.
JP. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost so bad if you and Dee had been in it with me.
AIDEN. It wouldn’t have made a blind bit of difference whether we were in it with you or not, it was doomed from the start.Same as Riverview Park.Same as Gertie Graham’s fields.
JP. Well, you’ve your own view.I have mine.This is a brand-new opportunity for some serious wealth creation right here, right now.You want to let it pass by like all the others I served up to you on a silver platter – you go right ahead.I’ll do what I’ve always done.I’ll play the game out to the finish.
AIDEN. But it’s my game to play, JP.
JP. And I’ve just told you the only way to win it.You’re not up to the challenge – I’m like the guy in the Persil ad.I’ll fucking do it myself.
AIDEN. Then I’ll tell on you.I will.
JP. Would you stop! – Who are you going to tell on me? The headmaster?The parish priest?Who?
AIDEN. You make any move without me and I’ll tell the Guards straight away.
JP. No you won’t.You’d have to let them how you knew about it – and then you might get yourself into some trouble.Perish the thought.
AIDEN. Don’t make fun of me, JP.
JP. You’ve no cards to play here because you haven’t the bottle to play them.As per usual.
AIDEN. Sit yourself back down.
JP. Get out of the way.
AIDEN. We are not finished talking.
JP. Yes we are – long ago – and every minute I waste dawdling in here is a minute that money is at risk out there – do you understand that at all?
AIDEN. There has to be some other way.JP – There has to be.
JP. Well, you go make yourself a nice cappuccino and figure it out.Call me when you do.I’ll be en route to the Lotto HQ at that stage and I’d probably appreciate the chinwag on the way.
AIDEN. I am not letting you leave until this is sorted.
JP. I’m serious now, Aiden.I’ve backed down from you twice in my life when I shouldn’t have – but make no mistake – I’ll go through you on this.
AIDEN (takes a truncheon he keeps behind the the counter). That’s what you’ll have to do so.
JP. Are you for real?
AIDEN. I suppose there could be a first time for everything.
JP. Get out my road, you fool you.
JP goes for the door.AIDEN points the truncheon in is chest.JP swipes it away.They struggle.Real handbags stuff, neither willing to hurt the other.Finally AIDEN takes JP in a headlock.Sound of door being unlocked.DEE enters.
DEE. What in the name of…?
AIDEN. Howya.
DEE. Aiden!
JP (from the headlock position).How’d you get on?
DEE. Not good.
AIDEN. Really?
DEE. What in the name of God is going on here?
Interval.
ACT THREE
AIDEN. You are one evil little bag of shite.
JP. This is her place too.She has a right to know.
AIDEN. This has got nothing to do with her rights and you know it.
JP. We’ll let her be the judge of that.
AIDEN. This is about what you want.
JP. Okay.
AIDEN. And how you think you’re going to get it.
JP. Whatever you say.
AIDEN. But you’re getting nothing.Not from her.Not from me – You hear me now?
JP. How come the horse that you’re sitting on is always that little bit higher than everyone else’s, Aiden?
AIDEN (to DEE). I’m sorry, love – I am – I don’t know what way I was thinking earlier.
JP. You were thinking straight for the first time in years.
AIDEN. But I wasn’t going to go through with anything.
JP. It’s pathetic.There’s no other word for it.
AIDEN. And I need you to understand that because it’s important.That’s why, you see, that’s why we were having the row when you came through the door.Because I wasn’t prepared to hurt anyone.
JP. To hurt anyone…
AIDEN. No matter what.
JP. Do you ever stop and listen to yourself?
AIDEN. And that’s…
JP. The way you go on.
AIDEN. That’s just…
JP. It’s worse than dealing with a five-year-old.
AIDEN. Will you please shut up, I can’t hear myself think.
JP. Fantastic – might put a stop to you trying.
AIDEN. Dee, listen –
JP. No, Dee – listen to me now for a minute now.Because the clock’s ticking overtime on this situation.You need to do whatever it is you normally do to get this man here on board with the plan.
AIDEN. It’s over, JP.Alright.It should never have started in the first place.
JP. Dee.
AIDEN. But it certainly finished for good and all the split second you involved her in it. (Pause.)So.
JP. Dee – please.
Pause.Silence from DEE.
This is a joke.An absolute piss-take.Of epic proportions.The two of you are the single most frustrating pair of individuals God ever put a breath of air into, you know that?I don’t know what to do with either one of you, I really don’t.You both deserve each other, that’s for sure.(Sits.)
Pause.
DEE. It’s an awful pity though.
AIDEN. What is?
DEE. That she took the ticket back.
Pause.
JP. Okay now.
AIDEN. Don’t.
DEE. Because if she could have just…
JP. What?If she could have just what?
>
DEE. If she could have just walked out without it.
JP. Yes.
DEE. All our troubles would be over now, wouldn’t they?
JP. What’d I tell you?
AIDEN. But she did walk out with it, love.
DEE. Yeah I know.I know she did.
AIDEN. And I should have just left it at that.
Pause.
Dee?I should have just left it at that.Right?
Pause.
DEE. I don’t know.
AIDEN. Dee.
JP. Good girl yourself.
AIDEN. You back off now.
JP. Go fuck yourself.
AIDEN. Dee?
DEE. I just… I really don’t know.
JP. Yes you do.You know full well and fair play to you for knowing it too.Now listen to me, Dee, because we don’t have any time left to play with here.
AIDEN. JP.
JP. I need your opinion now on what our next move should be here – alright?
AIDEN. Leave her alone.
DEE. You need my opinion?
JP. I realise that might seem strange to you, seeing as you’re not used to being asked for it by your husband too often.
AIDEN. Excuse me?
JP. But I’ve always thought that that was wrong and it’s something that needs to change with immediate effect.
AIDEN. Who do you think you’re…
JP. As a point of principle it needs to change today.
AIDEN. You can give it up, JP.My wife’s not a fool.She knows what you’re at.
JP. Does she really?
AIDEN. We’re not teenagers in the fields any more.You’ll have to get up a lot earlier in the morning to catch her out with your childish bullshit.
JP. Tell me something, Dee, as a matter of interest.
AIDEN. Just ignore him.
JP. What level of input did you have in the new hot-food counter that was put in there?
AIDEN. That’s enough now.
JP. The one you’ve had to close down now for lack of trade?Did you think that was a good idea at the time?
AIDEN. I said…
JP. Did you, Dee?Did you?
Pause.
DEE. No.
JP. What’s that?
DEE. No I didn’t.
Pause.
AIDEN. What do you mean, you didn’t?
DEE. What part of that statement is vague?
JP (touchdown). Ooohhh.
AIDEN (hurt). I see.
DEE. Look, love.
AIDEN. Because you never said anything is all…
JP. And you know why she didn’t, Aiden?
AIDEN. What?
JP. It’s not a mystery.I’ll name that tune in one.Tell him, Dee.Go on.You never said anything because…?Because…?
DEE. I was never asked.
JP. Bingo.
AIDEN. Yes you were.
DEE. No, love.No I wasn’t.It’s not important…
JP. Yes it is.
AIDEN. It obviously is.
JP. It’s fucking fundamental.
Pause.
DEE. You went over and talked to your dad.
AIDEN. And.
DEE. And he told you it was a great idea.
AIDEN. He did, yeah.
DEE. Because he thinks everything you do is a great idea – regardless of whether it actually is or not.
AIDEN. Ahhh.
JP. Thinks you walk on water.
AIDEN. Come on now.
JP. And you can’t even swim.
DEE. Look.
AIDEN. So I mentioned it to my father – big deal.
DEE. It’s not a big deal.
AIDEN. Thank you.
DEE. But it didn’t stop with him though, did it?You went down and talked to Bill McCallister in Kilcock.
AIDEN. I…
DEE. You spoke to Jane from the cash and carry.
AIDEN. But.
DEE. You went through it with the Durkin brothers in the village.The new butcher’s down beside Tescos.I even think you ran it by Gertie Graham one morning she was in.
AIDEN. That was just for small talk.
DEE. But I didn’t even get so much as that, Aiden.That’s the point.It was presented to me as a fait accompli.Pretty much the same story as everything else that ever goes on around here.
AIDEN (on the back foot). Well.
JP. Take a few breaths there now, Aiden.
AIDEN. Piss off.
DEE. I’m not getting at you, alright.
AIDEN. You could have fooled me.
DEE. If I had a problem with it I should have piped up the day they arrived to install it.
AIDEN. Yes you should have.
DEE. I’m a grown woman after all.
AIDEN. Exactly.
DEE. And it was a really stupid move to be making at the time.
AIDEN. It was…
DEE. The country was in a nosedive – plain for all to see, and suddenly we were trying everything to get bigger and bolder when we should have been working on getting smaller and surviving.
JP. And look how it all worked out for you in the end.
AIDEN. Well, I have to say, lads – fair play to you now – it’s wonderful to witness this twenty-twenty vision you both have the God-given gift of.
DEE. I know.
AIDEN. Bestowed upon you by the almighty power of hindsight.
DEE. You’re right, love, of course you are.
JP. Doesn’t change the fact though.
AIDEN. You’re the last man to be lecturing anyone about facts, JP.
JP. She should have been much more involved at all times in the decision-making process round here.You wouldn’t be in half the shite you’re in now if she was.
AIDEN. You don’t know anything about us or any of the shite we’re in, JP.
JP. Oh, I know enough about it, Aiden, don’t you worry.
AIDEN. What’s that supposed to mean?
DEE. What difference does it make now anyway?
JP. All the difference in the world, Dee.You’re in the thick of this with us now.And I’m blue in the face telling you both – tick fucking tock.So what do you think we should do?
AIDEN. Don’t even answer him.
JP. Stop letting him control you like that.
AIDEN. Okay, that’s it.That’s the straw that breaks it there.
JP. You have your own mind to speak and you’re well able to speak it.
AIDEN. Go home.
JP. No one knows that more than I do.
AIDEN. I mean it.
JP. Come on, Dee – this is your chance here.
AIDEN. Now.
JP. What do you think we should do?
AIDEN. Now, JP.
JP. What do you think we should do?
DEE. Everything in our power to get that ticket back.
Pause.
JP. You little beauty.
AIDEN. Dee?
DEE. Whatever it takes.We should.We should.
AIDEN. Are you being serious here now?
DEE. Yes.Yes I am.
AIDEN. Because this is no joke.This is very real.
DEE. I know it is.
Pause.
AIDEN. Wow.
DEE. What do you mean, ‘wow’?What’s so wow about it?
AIDEN. I just…
DEE. What?
AIDEN. I just never would have thought that…
DEE. What?
AIDEN. I never would have thought that you’d get involved in something like this
DEE. Why wouldn’t I?
AIDEN. I would have thought you were – above it.Somehow.
JP. You see the kind of amazing things you can find out about people when you just have the common courtesy to ask?
AIDEN. I suppose I thought I knew you a bit better.
DEE. Makes two of us, Aiden.
AIDEN. What?
DEE. I would have thought I knew myself.Through and through without a doubt.Thought I’d have no bother whatsoever handling those two teenagers who wer
e grilling me for fun this morning.Water off a duck’s back I would have reckoned.Hit me with your best and I’ll laugh at it.I wasn’t sure of my own name by the time they were finished with me and that was all of ten minutes max.
AIDEN. I bet you did very well there, love.
DEE. Don’t.
AIDEN. I do.It’s impossible to judge these things when you’re in the middle of them.
JP. He’s right with that in fairness, Dee.
AIDEN. You need to take a step back and you’ll realise you
did fine.
JP. You did better than fine, I’d say.
DEE. They looked at me like I had just landed from another planet.And not one populated by beings of a higher intelligence, if you see what I’m saying.
AIDEN. It’s okay.
DEE. They spoke to me like I’d never mattered.To anyone or anything.
JP. You know that’s not true.
DEE. Like I’d no right to be sitting in front of them in the first place.
AIDEN. Come on, hun.
DEE. And then they wrapped the whole thing off by telling me they were going to treat me with the respect I deserved and not waste any more of my time talking to me.They wished me luck – as in ‘good luck’ you know – and they practically shoved me out the door.I wasn’t even out of the car park before the girl from the recruitment agency called to commiserate.She said we were probably setting our sights too high.Imagine.I didn’t think I could possibly look any lower.How wrong can you be about who you really are in the world as it stands?
AIDEN. They don’t know what they’re missing out on.
JP. No they don’t.
DEE. They know exactly.They know it better than I do.And that makes you stop.It does.It makes you think.
JP. And as soon as you start – you’re never the same again – trust me on this.
DEE. It’s all bullshit, Aiden.
JP. Precisely.
DEE. The whole set-up.It’s all a pretence.
JP. All of it.
DEE. Nobody knows anything.
JP. Not one fucking thing.
DEE. The whole lot of it is down to chance.
JP. Down to taking your chance.
DEE. Because no one else is going to give us anything.
JP. Not the steam off their piss.
DEE. And this – this might be fate working for us here.
JP. That’s exactly what it is.Fate and providence.
DEE. So…
JP. Karma too into the bargain with that rancid old hag.
AIDEN. Hold on.
JP. No – you can piss off with yourself now – What more do you want from us here – blood?It is time to roll.
AIDEN. Wait.Just wait a second.
JP. Aiden.
AIDEN. You’re sure about this?
Chancers Page 4