Love,
Sadie
Sadie didn’t know why she signed the letter with the word love. Maybe because it was safe to do so. Peter wouldn’t see it. Only she would read it. She sighed heavily. She didn’t want to know why she signed it that way, and it didn’t matter. She folded the letter up tightly, much smaller than the size of a normal envelope and wrote Peter’s name on the outside of it. Then she tucked it into the back of the drawer where no one would find it.
With that, she lowered the wick in the lantern, snuffing it out. She scrunched down into the bed, pulling the quilt up to her chin, and waited for sleep to come.
Chapter Five
Peter pulled on his woolen coat.
“You should go,” his mother said, straightening her kapp.
“Mamm, I’m not a youth.”
“You’re single. That’s gut enough.”
Peter sighed. Sometimes, his mother was exhausting. Now he remembered why he hadn’t come straight back home to live after Eloise passed.
“I’m going to tell the Fishers to expect you.” Verna Wyse drew herself up to her full height, as if that would strengthen her argument.
“Mamm, I don’t want to go.”
Verna leaned in, her blue eyes spitting fire. “It’s just going caroling for an evening. There will be lots of folks there, and not just the younger youth. Besides, you’re twenty-two years old—hardly an old man. And you like Christmas carols. You always have.”
She was right about that. He did love Christmas carols. But the year before, Christmas had been excruciating. Everyone had tried to be so kind to him, so understanding, which had only made it worse. He wasn’t looking forward to Christmas this year for that very fact. Although, he already knew it wasn’t going to be as bad. But the loneliness. It tormented him. The way it sometimes gripped his throat made it hard for him to breathe, let alone sing.
“Sadie Verkler is going to be there,” his mother added.
Peter froze. Sadie? Was she back? His mind spun, and a horrible aching lurched through his heart. When had she come back to Hollybrook?
His mother was studying him, and he forced a neutral expression to his face. His breath had hitched in his chest and he felt a sudden urge to sit down. But he remained standing, not moving. He wanted to question his mother, but he didn’t dare. He had no business asking about Sadie Verkler. And he was pretty sure Sadie wouldn’t want a thing to do with him.
His mother’s eyes had now narrowed, and he could practically hear her thoughts echo through the room.
“Stop,” he said curtly.
“I won’t stop,” she protested. “I saw that look on your face. And don’t you think for one moment that I didn’t know about you and Sadie. You were sweet on her, ain’t so? You used to take her driving.”
His breath gushed out in a huge sigh. “Mamm, leave it alone. Please.”
“I won’t leave it alone. You need a wife. Sadie is back and you used to like her.”
“Well, she doesn’t like me,” he snapped.
“You don’t know that. Who wouldn’t like you? You’re a fine young man.”
He couldn’t bear listening to her for one more minute. “I’m leaving,” he said, and he pushed out the side door, wishing that he’d brought the pony cart. He was in no mood to walk the mile or so back to his daadi haus. But then, maybe the walk would do him good. He pulled up the collar of his coat against the biting wind.
He heard the side door open behind him.
“You’re going!” his mother called. “I’m telling the Fishers to expect you!”
He didn’t turn around. Instead, he walked toward the road, his stride long and quick. Christmas Caroling. At that moment, he couldn’t think of anything he’d less rather do. Bumbling around with a bunch of teenagers didn’t sound remotely fun.
But Sadie… His chest tightened. She was back. That was unexpected news. Was she back to stay? And how could it be that such a pretty girl wasn’t being courted. In truth, she likely had a beau. She was probably only back for the holidays. He kicked at a rock on the road sending it spinning into a fallow field. He’d like to see her. There was no denying that. But he’d been telling his mother the truth. He was quite certain Sadie wouldn’t want to see him—wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him, and rightly so.
He shoved his hands into his pockets and hunched against the wind. It was going to be a long mile back home. He slowed. If he walked the long way, he’d pass right by the Verkler farm. If he was lucky, he’d see Sadie outside. Maybe she’d be running to the hen house or going out to the barn. Didn’t the Verklers have goats? He couldn’t remember.
Ach, he was being ridiculous. That route would add a good half hour to his walk, and it was freezing cold. But what else did he have to do right then? And walking was good for the heart and lungs, wasn’t it? Without thinking further, he turned and headed back to take the long way around. He purposefully didn’t dwell on his decision. He simply bent his head into the wind and walked with almost fierce determination.
Chapter Six
“Well, we’re going,” Sadie’s brother Roger announced. “Me and Mark. We can take you with us if you want.”
“The Fishers are hosting?” Sadie asked.
“Yeah, and they always have the best food,” Mark piped up.
“Wish I could go,” Lizzie said, sticking out her bottom lip.
“You’ll be able to, soon enough,” Bonnie Verkler said from the davenport, where she was sitting with her feet up.
“In three more years,” Lizzie complained. “That ain’t soon enough.”
Bonnie laughed at her daughter and then closed her eyes, folding her hands over her protruding stomach.
“Don’t matter if you don’t want to go, Sadie,” Roger said. “Just offering you a ride.”
Sadie loved to go Christmas caroling. She wondered fleetingly if Peter would be there, but she decided he wouldn’t. As a widower, he wasn’t exactly a youth anymore, even though he was single and young. Although, he did like to sing. Sadie grimaced. She didn’t know him anymore. For all she knew, he hated singing now.
“What time are you leaving? It’s Friday evening, right?”
“Jah. We’ll hitch up around five-thirty.”
Sadie nodded slowly. It would be nice to see her old friends again. Plus, it would give her something to do. “I probably will go. Thanks for asking me.”
Roger shrugged and then he and Mark headed off toward the barn to check on the cows.
“Lizzie, can you run get me some tea?” Bonnie asked her middle daughter.
“Jah, Mamm. Matilda, come help me.”
After the two girls left, Sadie’s mother looked at her. “He’ll be there, you know.”
Sadie didn’t have to ask whom she meant. “Maybe,” she said softly.
“Nee. I reckon he’ll be there sure enough.” Her mother scrutinized her. “You all right with that?”
“Of course,” Sadie said, putting a light tone in her voice. But inside, she wasn’t so sure. And she didn’t like the way her pulse quickened at the thought.
* * *
Late afternoon on Friday, the boys and Sadie bundled up as if preparing for a blizzard.
“Gonna be right cold out there tonight,” their mother warned.
“I think some are taking vans to different farms to sing. And then there’s some gonna be walking.” Mark grinned. “I’m gonna be in a van.”
Roger gave him a gentle shove. “I’m thinking the Fishers will be in charge of who goes where. No need to get your hopes up.”
Sadie didn’t join the conversation. Her mind was fully occupied with the possibility of seeing Peter that very evening. It would be the first time she laid eyes on him in the past two years. She was ashamed to admit it, even to herself, but she’d taken great pains in getting ready. She’d changed dresses twice, settling on the deep green cape dress that brought out the shine in her brown eyes. And she redone her hair three times before she’d been satisfied wit
h the way it looked beneath her kapp.
She’d even bemoaned the lack of a bigger mirror to observe herself in, which she knew was downright shameful. If she wasn’t careful, her vanity would get the best of her and the Lord God would not be pleased at all.
“Your cheeks are all red,” Lizzie told her. “You sick or something?”
Sadie blanched. Was her excitement so obvious? And did it make her look sick? She was ready to dash into the bathroom to check herself yet once again in the small mirror hanging over the sink, but her mother interrupted.
“She looks fine,” insisted her mother. “Mind your tongue, Lizzie.”
When Sadie and her brothers were finally in the pony cart to leave, Sadie took a deep breath and forced herself to relax. She was getting herself all worked up for nothing. Chances were, Peter wouldn’t be there anyway. Her mother didn’t know everything.
Sadie would be better served to put her mind on Aaron. She’d received another letter from him just that afternoon. His words ran through her mind as the cart got underway.
Dear Sadie,
Thank you for your letter. I was right glad to receive it. Sounds like you’ll be busy there. Things have slowed down for the winter and at times, I find that I don’t have enough to keep me busy. Of course, Mamm is baking every minute of the day, and then storing the goods for Christmas. We’ll be hosting her family and my dat’s this year, so a lot of food is called for.
After Sadie had read the first paragraph earlier, she’d found herself relaxing. It was just a newsy sort of note, nothing too personal. But then, she’d continued and realized she’d been premature in her judgement.
I find myself frustrated with you so far away. As you know, our courtship hadn’t gotten too far before you left.
Courtship? They’d gone riding a few times, but she hadn’t truly considered it a courtship yet. She’d hoped he was serious about her, as she yearned to have a family of her own. But when she first read his words, she cringed, as if she didn’t want his attention. Which didn’t really make sense. Aaron was a fine catch and would make a fine beau.
If you do return at Christmas, can you get word to me? If the snow isn’t too bad, I want to take you for a ride right away. I’d also like to take you to dinner in Ainesburg. There’s a real good café that serves delicious food. Maybe you know it? The Wheel? It’s run by Mennonites, and I think you’ll like it.
Write soon, Sadie. I miss you. I hope you and your family are all well.
Your beau,
Aaron
Sadie had read his closing over and over and over, her eyes stuck on the word beau. Strange how quickly he’d made that leap. He must be feeling mighty confident. She didn’t mind his confidence, but she wasn’t completely sure it was right for her to consider him her beau. Not when she was fighting feelings for Peter.
She hadn’t led Aaron on, had she? Even as the pony cart rolled down the road, she didn’t think so. She’d never said anything to give Aaron false ideas.
“You’re sure quiet,” Roger said to her. “You okay?”
Sadie blinked. “Of course, I’m okay.” Her breath trailed out in white wisps, disappearing into the frigid air.
“I’m gonna make sure I go in one of them vans tonight,” Mark said.
Roger made a face at him. “You usually aren’t so puny in the cold. What aren’t you saying?”
Mark’s face turned an immediate deep red. “Nothin’. And it is cold. Real cold.”
Roger’s eyes narrowed. “Ach, I know the reason.”
“It ain’t nothin’,” Mark said quickly.
“It’s that Mennonite girl. The one with the pretty blond hair. You like her,” Roger claimed. “Mamm and Dat will have a fit.”
“I don’t like no one.” Mark’s shoulders rose close to his ears. “Quit telling tales.”
Roger laughed. “Now it all makes sense. You’re hoping that girl comes with her dat to drive us, and you want to ride in the same van as her.”
“I do not!”
But it was clear to Sadie that he most certainly did. Sweet on a Mennonite girl? Roger was right—Mamm and Dat would have a fit. Of course, Mark was only thirteen, so no real concern was needed. Right? But hadn’t she fallen for Peter when she was hardly older than that.
“I won’t tattle,” Roger was saying. He craned his neck, looking at Sadie who was sitting behind them. “You won’t tell, will you?”
She made a show of pressing her lips together, and then she laughed. “Course not. I can keep a secret.”
“You’re both crazy,” Mark grumbled, looking out over the empty fields.
By the time they reached the Fishers, Sadie’s stomach was grinding with nerves. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to get out of the cart. She glanced around at the array of buggies and carts, as if they would tell her whether Peter was there or not. Her brothers probably could decipher whose cart was whose, but she wasn’t about to ask.
Roger pulled up on the reins and then jumped down to unhitch Bessie. Mark didn’t even make a pretense of helping. He was stretching his neck every which way, clearly checking out the three vans that were parked near the porch. Sadie needed to get out. She could hardly spend the evening perched on the old apple crate they used for an extra seat in the pony cart.
She climbed out and stood next to Mark. He gave her a look. “Well, go on in,” he said. “I’ll come in with Roger.”
She nodded and made her way past the barn toward the Fisher house. Smatterings of youth here and there all hurried inside, as there was no reason to dally in the cold. Sadie took a steadying breath and climbed the porch steps. She didn’t know whether to pray that Peter would be there or not. Inwardly, she scoffed. As if she could pray such a selfish prayer anyway.
Chapter Seven
Peter leaned against the far wall of the front room, watching the youth as they assembled. There was a buzz of excitement in the air, and the chatter was animated and quite loud. Josh and James Yoder had just cracked up laughing at some private joke, and he noted that more than a few of the girls were gazing at the twins longingly.
He wished he felt the same carefree anticipation for the evening. But all he truly felt was a rock in his stomach as he wondered whether Sadie would show up. And then he felt guilt press on his shoulders. He shouldn’t be excited to see an old girlfriend, not when his wife of less than a year hadn’t lived to see anyone. He gulped in a breath. He couldn’t think like that. He’d done enough thinking like that, and all it gave him was a raging headache and a punch to his heart.
He shouldn’t have let his mother talk him into coming. He knew she meant well, but she had no idea how he felt in these public situations. He should have stayed home in his daadi haus and read the Farmer’s Almanac. He grimaced.
He was sad, sad, sad.
He glanced toward the door and froze. There she was. She had come. His breath twisted in his throat, cutting off all air. Instant sweat covered his body, even though the room wasn’t overly warm. He stood up straight, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Would she see him? Would she acknowledge him?
He tried to swallow. He rubbed his hands on his thighs.
And then she glanced his way, and he saw the shock on her face. Their eyes locked for a fraction of a second and then she looked away. He gulped. She was beautiful, just like before. Her face was elfin-looking, sweet, youthful, and there was something magnetic about her. The way she carried herself, the way she stood, the way she looked at people as if she were really deeply seeing them.
He wanted her to look his way again. He wanted to see the light in her brown eyes, wanted to know what she was thinking. She’d appeared stunned to see him. Hadn’t she been expecting to see him? A horrifying thought jerked through him. Maybe she hadn’t been thinking of him at all. Maybe she hadn’t thought of him since she’d left Hollybrook so many months before.
He huffed his breath out as disappointment raged through him. But what had he thought? That she’d see him and run right over,
telling him how wonderful he was and how she’d missed him dearly? Ach, but he was a fool. He’d married someone else. Why would she possibly be thinking of him?
She was greeting some of the girls, and they were all chatting excitedly. They were clearly glad to see her again. Just like he was. He couldn’t pull his eyes away, and she must have felt it. For a second, her gaze flittered his way, and when she saw him looking at her, she quickly averted her eyes, focusing again on her friends.
He blinked hard and gave himself a shake. He couldn’t be seen staring at her. He couldn’t be seen mooning over her. He couldn’t abide being teased or scrutinized. What was the matter with him? He wanted to leave. But how would that look? Well, he shouldn’t care how it would look. And in a large part, he didn’t care. But if he left, he would hear about it from his mother, and he didn’t know if he had enough energy to fight that storm. Sighing heavily, he forced himself to move—forced himself to go over to the twins and start talking.
* * *
Sadie clamped her eyes on Marcy, willing herself to hear what her friend was saying. But all she could really hear was the pounding of her heart in her ears. She felt faint, as if she could fall over any minute. Which, of course, she couldn’t. How would she explain that?
Oh, I’m sorry for fainting—it’s just that I saw my former beau and I’m still in love with him.
The roar in her ears became deafening. Was it true? Was she still in love with him? Her pulse increased, and she felt bile rise in her throat. She couldn’t love him. He’d chosen someone else, and she couldn’t bear going back to that agony.
Aaron. Aaron. Aaron. He liked her. Maybe even loved her. Aaron. Aaron. Aaron. Yes, think on him. Safer. Much safer.
Someone was clapping. Sadie gave a jolt and looked to where Benjamin Fisher stood. He grinned at everyone as the chatter died down.
Christmas In Hollybrook (Hollybrook Holiday Amish Romance) Page 3