“We’re going to divide up into teams. We’ve already decided whose to be in charge of each team. They’ll tell you which Christmas carols you’re singing. We’ve got three vans hired to take some of you a bit further into town. One of the groups is going to Hollybrook’s nursing home. You’ll stay there the entire time. Last year, those folks loved us coming, and we hope to go every year from now on. The rest of you, just follow the schedule that your leader has.”
He stopped and rubbed his hands together.
“Now, I ain’t against you choosing who you want to be with. But we don’t want to take forever to get underway. Don’t forget that the missus has prepared a good number of treats for you when you return. We want you all back by eight-thirty or so. Now, if the four leaders will stand up here, the rest of you just go to one of them and we’ll be on our way.”
There was a scuffle as everyone divided themselves into groups. Sadie wished she was back home. She shouldn’t have come. But then, was it right to allow her reaction to Peter to have so much control over her? She squared her shoulders and swallowed down her nausea.
“Come with us,” Marcy said, pulling her sleeve.
She stumbled after Marcy into the group led by Jed Sutter. She purposefully didn’t look to see where Peter ended up. Better that she completely ignore him.
“Sadie.”
She froze, every muscle turning hard with dread. Slowly, she turned around and there he stood. So close that she could reach out and touch him. Someone bumped him while rushing to one of the groups and he momentarily lost his balance, tipping even closer to her. She sucked in her breath, and her eyes stretched wide. A panicked look covered his face as he regained his balance and stepped back.
“All right team,” Jed said. “We’re the walkers tonight.”
Sadie gladly turned to give Jed her full attention. She was surprised that her intense staring didn’t bore holes in the poor guy.
“Everyone bundled up? We’re heading first to Old Mae’s place. She loves it when we come. Let’s head out.”
All the groups were moving outside. There were lots of excited giggles and talking as three groups piled into the waiting vans. Sadie wondered why they were taking vans in the first place? Why not go by buggy or wagon? Although, she supposed it was safer to go by van in the dark. Especially if they were going all the way into town. Sadie had half a notion to defect from her group and climb into a van herself, but Marcy had a grip on her arm.
“I love caroling, don’t you?” she said. “And Jed’s a gut singer. This is going to be so fun.”
Sadie put on a smile and nodded. “Jah. I’m looking forward to it.”
“You have such a pretty voice,” Marcy went on. “I remember that from before. You know, before you left for Ohio.”
Sadie could barely concentrate on Marcy’s words. Had Marcy just complimented her? That was unusual to be sure. She needed to respond. “Um. Thank you, Marcy,” she uttered, now trying to sneak a look behind her. Maybe Peter would go with one of the groups in the vans.
Jed made a huge circular motion with his arm for everyone to follow him. “Might as well sing along the way,” he said, his breath puffing out in clouds of white. “Let’s start with O Little Town of Bethlehem.”
He got them started and their voices rose in a full, rich sound as they made their way out to the road. Sadie joined in, still wondering if Peter was behind her somewhere. She found herself trying to squelch rising excitement at the thought of him so close. Ach. What was the matter with her? Her emotions were a jumbled broil of confusion.
Marcy was happily singing with gusto, moving up closer to the front of the group. Sadie didn’t follow, staying where she was in the middle of the group. Jed switched them to Away in the Manger, and Sadie smiled. This was her favorite Christmas hymn. She loved visualizing the baby Jesus in the hay, surrounded by such love.
“Sadie.”
And there he was again. She faltered only slightly before turning to look at him. She carefully smiled.
“Hello, Peter.” They both slowed their walk.
They were jostled as some of the youth surged around them, straining toward the front.
“I didn’t know you were returning,” Peter said, and he was easily heard as the singers moved forward. “You here to stay?”
His voice. How her heart used to tremble at the sound. How she used to become excited whenever she heard him, latching onto his words, wondering if he was about to come over and speak with her.
“I-I don’t know,” she stammered. She sucked in a long breath. “I left Mammi alone for Christmas, which I didn’t like to do. So, I might be going back.”
Occasional street lamps shed light on the dark road. Some of the youth carried lanterns which helped light their way, so there was enough light for Sadie to easily see Peter’s expression. His gaze was intent on hers, and she felt like she was perched on a display shelf.
“Your family must be right glad to have you home.”
“Jah,” she said. She increased her speed; they were being left behind.
He touched her arm, stopping her. She glanced down at his hand, feeling his touch race through her coat and settle on her skin. She blinked. His fingers were long and strong, and she imagined he had calluses on his palm where it rested on her sleeve.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice jerking out unceremoniously.
She gasped. What was he doing? She glanced around quickly. Was anyone overhearing? The singing continued, and she didn’t think anyone was paying them any mind. But still, she was uncomfortable. In truth, she wanted to talk to him. But there? And now?
She swallowed and continued walking. His hand dropped from her sleeve.
“Sadie?”
She stopped while the others continued down the road. Maybe she wanted to talk to him more than she’d thought. She looked up at him and waited.
“Before. Before you left Hollybrook. I … well, I didn’t treat you kindly.” His voice softened, and she braced herself against the feelings of affection that caught hold of her. “I’ve regretted that for a long time. I’m sorry. You deserved better.”
She tilted her head and frowned slightly. What an odd way to phrase it. She deserved better? She supposed she did; although, she’d never thought of it in such terms. All she knew was that her heart had been broken. And now here she was, standing before the very person who had broken it.
He looked at her expectantly, waiting for some response.
“It was a long time ago,” she murmured.
“Jah, it was. But still, I’ve felt bad about it all this time.”
Had he? Something in her stirred. Something warm and tender.
“Will you forgive me, Sadie?”
“I-I…” Her throat tightened, and she felt tears burning in the back of her eyes. She swallowed. “Jah. Of course.”
She was going to cry. She felt it, and she couldn’t—absolutely couldn’t—let him see it. He’d think she was crazy to be crying over something that happened so long ago. Without another word, she turned away from him and hurried to catch up with the others. The tears were coming now, and she wiped at them furiously before joining the end of the line.
The words to Good King Wenceslas rang about her. She opened her mouth to join in, but her voice wouldn’t come. He had apologized. He had felt badly. He’d recognized that he’d been heartless toward her. She wanted to sob out loud all over again, and she couldn’t understand why. She’d done her crying months ago. Why would she want to weep it out again?
Was she hoping to start something new with him? Was that it? She couldn’t. She just couldn’t. Besides, him apologizing meant nothing. He was only trying to ease his guilt.
She put her arms around her waist and leaned into the cold, hugging herself—attempting to calm herself. But the tears continued to come. They were walking a stretch of road between streetlights, and no one at the back of the line was carrying a lantern.
She’d never been so grateful for the dar
k.
Chapter Eight
Peter stood still, watching Sadie dart away from him. Not just walk away, mind you. But run. She’d caught up with the group now and didn’t turn around. He sighed heavily, his breath gushing out in complete frustration. He’d thought apologizing was the thing to do. He’d thought she’d forgive him and maybe they could be friends again.
He ran his hand over his beard, annoyed at his own stupidity.
She said she forgave him, and maybe she had. But she certainly didn’t like him. And she was the only one in the entire district that he wanted to be with right then—which was alarming to say the least. Oh, he had a lot of friends. And family, too. But it was Sadie who drew him. It was her gentle smile he wanted to see; her happy laughter he wanted to hear.
Clearly, she didn’t want a thing to do with him. He’d messed it up but good. Strains from the Christmas hymns filtered back to him and a sudden stab of loneliness pierced his heart. He realized at that moment that he’d been eagerly anticipating this evening. Eagerly anticipating the moment when he’d see her again. But he’d imagined a much different result.
His shoulders sank as he continued to stand there like a lost puppy in a storm. He knew he should probably catch up with the group, but he couldn’t do it. He simply couldn’t do it. He was in no condition to be with a bunch of people that evening. He wasn’t even fit company for himself. Sighing again, he turned back toward the Fisher place. He’d hitch up his buggy and go home. He could tell his mother that he’d attended. He didn’t have to mention how long he had stayed. Plus, no one would miss him.
Least of all Sadie.
* * *
Old Mae opened her door and pushed through the screen to stand on her large wrap-around porch. She was huddled inside a shawl, grinning with joy. “Ach! You came to carol for an old woman. Now, this is quite a sight.”
“Do you have a favorite Christmas hymn?” Jed asked.
Her eyes twinkled in the lantern light. “I like them all, young man. You sing whatever you wish.”
Jed led them in Angels We Have Heard on High and the group sang with fervor. When the Glorias began, Marcy pushed her way back to Sadie.
“I want to hear you sing,” she said close to Sadie’s ear.
Sadie did her best not to disappoint, but her voice was hardly at its best. It warbled and she only just kept herself from bursting into tears again. She glanced around but didn’t see Peter anywhere. Had he left? Or was he walking so slowly that he’d catch up with them eventually? And why was her mind glued to thoughts of him? Before singing out another gloria, she inhaled deeply, feeling the bitter cold sink into her lungs.
Marcy grinned and nudged her and added her voice to the mix. When they finished, Old Mae clapped with delight.
“Would you all like some hot tea?” she asked.
“Thank you, but nee,” Jed said. “We have a lot of territory to cover before eight-thirty. But we’ll sing a few more songs before we go.”
Sadie’s voice improved as they continued. Peter hadn’t shown up yet, and she decided to not care whether he did or not. She began to enjoy herself. Marcy was good company, chattering between songs. It had grown colder, though, and her feet and hands began to go numb. She rubbed her mittens together as they moved to other farms, mainly singing to the elders.
After four more farms and a good couple of miles, Jed turned them about to head back. By the time they’d all trudged through the icy air back to the Fishers, all Sadie could think about once again was Peter. As they sat around and sipped hot chocolate and indulged in a vast array of homemade cookies and Christmas candy, a loneliness crept over Sadie—which was absurd considering she was in the midst of a group of talking, laughing, excited youth.
But still, the loneliness hovered. She was ready to go home far before her brothers wanted to leave, and so she had to stay, engaging in the frivolity so no one would suspect her real feelings. She was exhausted when she finally settled into the cart, and her cheeks hurt from smiling. She pulled on her outer bonnet, tugging it over her ears. It was downright freezing out now, and the ride home was going to be uncomfortable to say the least.
Her brothers were full of happy talk about the caroling—even though the cute blond Mennonite daughter hadn’t been there, and Sadie was relieved to sit quietly and just let them go at it. They didn’t even notice her silence; they were still laughing and joshing as they pulled the cart into their drive. Roger yanked up on the reins, and they stopped in front of the barn.
“I’ll help you unhitch,” Mark offered, bolting out of the cart.
“Thank you for the ride,” Sadie said and climbed out. “I’m going in. See you in the morning.”
“Jah, sure,” Roger called over his shoulder. They were already seeing to Bessie.
Sadie hurried into the house and shed her outer clothing. It was dark. Everyone had already turned in. She felt about on the dining table, locating the lantern and matches. She lit the wick and went upstairs, careful to avoid stepping on the creaky third and eighth steps. No need to wake anyone.
Inside her room, she set the lantern on her dresser. She quickly changed into her nightgown and then she went to her bedside stand and removed the tablet and pen. She was foolish to think that anything could happen between her and Peter. She wasn’t even sure she wanted it to. There was simply too much emotion involved. Too much past. Too much pain.
And he was likely still grieving his wife. His wife. She’d thought that she would be his wife. She shivered. She didn’t want to go there anymore. Not in her mind or her heart. It was too hard. There was too much… what? She didn’t know. All she knew was that her emotions were a painful jumble.
She looked down at the tablet in her hand. She gripped the pen more tightly and perched on the edge of her bed. There was none of this confusion with Aaron. None. It was straightforward and simple. He liked her and wanted to court her. She liked him well enough, didn’t she?
With Aaron, there was no tumultuous past. There was no memory of searing pain. There was nothing to apologize for or to forgive. Simple. She opened her notebook and began to write.
Dear Aaron,
The youth went caroling tonight. It was mighty cold, but I think we brought some Christmas cheer to folks. We were in four groups. Three groups went in hired vans, but I was with the walkers. My friend Marcy and I stuck together all evening.
Afterward, we had hot chocolate and all sorts of goodies. I think Tamera Fisher must have baked for days in preparation. And she’s a gut cook, so I’m sure you can guess how delicious it all was.
I hope everything is going well with you. It’s not long now till Christmas Day. I might talk with my parents tomorrow about going back to Ainesburg to be with Mammi. I’m more eager than ever to get back to Ohio.
To leave Peter, you mean. Sadie swallowed and stared at her letter, unsure how to sign it. Last time in his letter, Aaron had called himself her beau, but she couldn’t bring herself to write such an intimate closing. She finally settled with, Your friend, Sadie.
She folded it up and placed it on top of her bedside stand. She’d address the envelope and send the letter the next day. She stared at the wall, watching the subtle dance of light as the lantern flickered. She’d done the right thing by writing Aaron.
She pulled back her quilt and settled into bed, reaching over and lowering the wick until the lantern snuffed out. She pulled the covers up to her chin, trying to get warm. The upstairs was always cold; maybe she needed to put another quilt on her bed. She lay on her side and drew her knees up to her chest.
She thought about Aaron and how nice he was, how handsome he was, too. With determination, she kept her mind on him and on the times they’d been together. On their conversations. On their laughter.
But when she fell asleep, her thoughts had wandered right back to Peter.
Chapter Nine
Sadie insisted that her mother rest all the next morning. She put up a fuss, but Sadie didn’t relent. She enlisted both Matild
a and Lizzie in a massive clean-up. They not only did the normal housework, they dug deep, waxing floors, dusting the occasional cobweb from the ceiling, even re-organizing the basement. By the noon meal, both her sisters were complaining.
“Look here,” Sadie said, “a new boppli is coming, so we have to have this house in perfect condition. Besides, you won’t always have me to help, so best to get this done now.”
“What? You’re leaving again?” Matilda asked, her brow scrunching into a frown. “I thought you were back to stay.”
“I get my room back,” Lizzie said, and then had the decency to look guilty.
“I don’t know how long I’ll be here,” Sadie said. “But I need you to be gut and helpful to Mamm all the time. You hear me?”
“We’re always helpful,” Matilda said. “Go and ask her.”
“I didn’t mean you weren’t,” Sadie said, pulling the knot of her sister’s bandana. “I just want you to be even more helpful.”
“You think it’s gonna be a girl?” Lizzie asked.
“Could be.”
“I hope it is. We don’t need no more boys around here.”
Sadie laughed. “All right. I need someone to boil the eggs. We’re going to have potato salad with our roast.”
“Potato salad in winter?” Matilda asked. “Yum.”
The three of them laughed and got right at the cooking.
* * *
Sadie waited until her dad was in the front room with her mother before approaching them. She realized that she likely couldn’t go to Mammi’s for Christmas. Her mother was going to need more and more help as time progressed. Probably, after the baby came, her younger sisters could take over as Mamm would be up and about more easily.
But still, Sadie’s heart was heavy over leaving her grandmother. She also wanted to see Aaron again. She wanted to know how she would feel when she was with him. Was love growing on her part? It was hard to know while she was there in Hollybrook. Peter muddied the waters for her, and she was anxious to get away. At least for a little bit.
Christmas In Hollybrook (Hollybrook Holiday Amish Romance) Page 4