Chapter Fifteen
“Child! You came!” Mammi exclaimed, holding out her arms. Sadie walked right into them, hugging her grandmother tightly.
“Hello, Mammi,” she said, straightening back to her full height. “How are you?”
“Much better now you’re here.” Mammi wiped at the corners of her eyes. “You hungry?”
“I am.” Sadie grinned. “Don’t you fret. I know my way around your kitchen.”
“That you do,” Mammi said with a chuckle.
They both traipsed into the kitchen, where Sadie bustled about, getting a quick meal together.
Mammi sat down at the kitchen table, which Sadie found surprising. She sneaked a closer look at her grandmother’s face. She looked tired. A sliver of fear lodged in Sadie’s throat.
“Shall we eat in here or at the dining table?” she asked.
“In here is fine.”
That was odd, too. Henrietta Verkler usually insisted that they sit at the dining table, even with only the two of them. Had something happened while Sadie was gone?
“All right,” Sadie said, putting cheer into her voice. She set the food on the table and grabbed two plates and glasses and cutlery to set out. “Would you like milk? Or a cup of tea?”
“Milk’s fine.”
Sadie fetched the pitcher of milk and filled the glasses, then she sat at the table with her grandmother. Mammi led them in silent prayer, and they began eating. Sadie had a hard time concentrating on the food; her gaze kept going to her grandmother, trying to discern if something had changed.
“Mammi,” she began and then paused. Mammi didn’t take kindly to hints that she might be failing.
“Jah?” When Sadie didn’t continue, Mammi put her thin hand on Sadie’s arm. “What is it, child?”
Sadie shook her head. “Nothing, really.” She took a deep breath. “Are you all right?”
Mammi’s eyes filled with tears. “Of course, I’m all right,” she snapped and blinked hard. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Mammi, please…” Sadie let the words hang between them.
Finally, Mammi sighed and set down her fork. “Fine. You know me better than anyone, I s’pose. I been missing you is all.”
Sadie clasped her grandmother’s hand. “I’ve missed you, too.”
Mammi looked down at her plate and Sadie could see that she wanted to say something more, and she was struggling with it. The seconds dragged out and Sadie held her breath.
“It ain’t just missing you,” Mammi continued, her voice hitching. “I been fretting.”
“Fretting?”
“I-I, well, I never fretted about being alone before. But, but I have been of late.”
Sadie jumped from her chair and went to her grandmother, putting her arms around Henrietta’s thin shoulders. “Ach, Mammi. I don’t like you being alone, either.”
Mammi stiffened. “I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can,” Sadie was quick to say. “But it’s much happier to live with someone, ain’t so?”
Mammi’s shoulders began to shake, and Sadie’s eyes widened. Was she weeping? Mammi didn’t weep. She was tough as nails.
“Mammi?” Sadie could hardly get the word out.
“Don’t mind me,” Mammi said, nearly pushing Sadie away. “I’m fine. I’m always fine.”
Sadie slowly sat back down. She willed herself not to cry; Mammi wouldn’t like it. She drew in a slow breath. “Maybe, we can talk about things tomorrow.”
“What things would that be? You mean me leaving my home, don’t you?” Mammi asked, but the edge was gone from her voice.
“Perhaps.”
Mammi pursed her lips and scowled. She picked her fork back up, but before she took a bite, she muttered, “Fine. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Chapter Sixteen
Peter looked at the envelope, turning it over and over in his hands. The handwriting looked like a child’s, but what child would be writing him? After delivering the letter, Jess Gundy was still there, looking at him, as if waiting for Peter to open the letter in front of him—which he wasn’t about to do.
“Thank you, Jess,” Peter said again, palming the letter.
“All right, then.” Jess turned to go and then hesitated. “The missus wants to know your plans for Christmas dinner,” he continued. “Whether you’ll be with us or with your folks.”
Peter swallowed. “Likely with my folks, but thank you. I know I’m always welcome in your home.”
“That you are. All right. Well, I’ll get out of your hair.” Jess raised his arm in a small wave and left the daadi haus.
Peter shut the door, eager to open the letter. He had no idea who had written it. At first, he’d dreamed it might be from Sadie, but he knew her penmanship from years before, and this wasn’t hers. But who in the world would be writing to him? He stoked the warming stove and settled into the rocking chair. He carefully slid his finger under the flap, opening the envelope.
The letter had been folded and re-folded by the looks of it. He opened it and smoothed it out on his leg. His gaze dropped to the signature, and his breath caught. It was from Sadie… But the address had been written with another hand.
His eyes flew over the letter and his pulse increased with every line, until it was pounding against his ears. He stood and paced to the window and back. He reread every word.
Dear Peter,
I’m back in Hollybrook now. Of course, I don’t expect you to know that, which is why I’m telling you. I didn’t want to come. Because of you, Peter. Because of you. You hurt me so badly when you dropped me. I had thought that you liked me. Didn’t you? How I liked you. Nee. How I loved you. You broke my heart.
When I look back now, I can still feel that young girl’s broken heart. I don’t really blame you, of course. You were totally free to choose whoever you wanted to court. I had hoped it would be me. And it was for a little while, wasn’t it? I loved those times we spent together. I had such dreams. Oh, I was a foolish girl.
But I loved you.
I fear I still do. And I don’t want to. You made your choice two years ago. So, loving you now is quite sad, actually. I am ashamed to even admit it, which is why I’m writing it in this letter which will never reach you.
I am so sorry for your loss, Peter. My heart breaks for you. How awful that Eloise died. I can’t even imagine how hurt you must have been and maybe still are. She was a nice girl. But then, you know that. You loved her. I’m so sorry.
It’s odd to be back home. I feel like time hasn’t really passed. Like I’m caught in a spider web and can’t pull myself out of it. I’m wriggling and wriggling, but I’m trapped in its sticky threads. I don’t want to be here. I want to go back to Ohio to be with Mammi.
Yet part of me wants to see you first. Not necessarily to talk to you or anything, just to see you. I have such an image of you in my head, and I have no idea if you look the same or not. I don’t even know if I look the same. Probably not. Two years can seem forever, can’t it? Goodness. I just said the opposite earlier. I guess I just want to see if you’re all right. I don’t want to worry about you.
I don’t want to think about you.
Maybe if I see you, I can forget you. And maybe if I see you, I won’t feel anything. That’s what I am hoping for. To not feel anything except Christian love.
Goodness, but I’m going on and on, aren’t I? I guess it doesn’t matter since you won’t read this. So, really, I suppose I’m writing to myself. Now that is an odd thought.
Love,
Sadie
When had she written this? It sounded like she’d written it when she’d first returned. Why hadn’t she sent it right away? And why did she say that he’d never read it? Hadn’t she intended him to read it? And if not, why had she written it? It made no sense at all. He snatched up the envelope again, looking at the handwriting. Who’d addressed it? And why?
He let out a shaky breath. Wasn’t he missing the point? Sadie loved him. She sa
id so right there in her own words. She loved him. Tears sprang to his eyes and he found himself grinning. But if she loved him, why was she so bent on staying away from him? He glanced at the letter again.
Because she didn’t trust him. She didn’t know that he loved her right back.
And now she was gone. And she had a beau in Ohio—she’d told him as much. Were they together right that very minute? Were they planning a future together?
He couldn’t abide the thought. Couldn’t abide the thought of his beautiful Sadie with someone else. He should have made himself clear. Should have declared his feelings. He’d thought he had by placing his star stone in her pony cart. But she had given it back to him. Given it back. It didn’t bear thinking about.
He grabbed his coat from its peg and left the house, the door slamming behind him. The phone shanty wasn’t far. He could be there in under ten minutes.
Chapter Seventeen
Sadie combed her hair an extra fifty strokes. She carefully twisted it into a fresh bun at the back of her head. She put on her kapp, holding it firmly in place with bobby pins. She smoothed down her dress and then picked up the hand mirror from the dresser. Her cheeks were flushed which made her look either excited or fresh from the outdoors. But it was the look in her eyes that troubled her.
She was meeting Aaron in a few minutes. He’d left a note in Mammi’s mailbox asking to see her on her first night back. She was glad because, in truth, he was one of the reasons she was there in the first place. But the look reflected in her eyes was wary. Almost frightened. But why? Aaron was a nice man, perfectly mannered and quite respectful. Why should she be afraid?
She pressed a hand to her chest. Because he was going to propose to her, that was why. She had no real proof that he would, but deep in her gut—and deep in her heart—she knew it was so. This was her moment. One that she had waited for ever since she was a young girl. Her romance was happening right now.
Oh, she wasn’t so foolish as to think it would be accompanied by birds singing and sunshine floating down to kiss her brow, but she did hope it was special. Tender and moving.
Yet, all she felt was fright. Or foreboding. Or something. She couldn’t quite pinpoint it. But the eager anticipation she hoped for had twisted into something not all that pleasant. Cold feet, she assumed. That was all it was.
If she married Aaron, she could stay right there in Ainesburg and Mammi could live with them. Or they with her, which would be even better. Of course, Sadie would have to go back to Hollybrook until her new sibling was born. And that was fine with her—she wanted to be of help.
She glanced at the wind-up clock on the dresser. Aaron would be waiting for her at the end of the drive any minute now. She left her room and went to tell her grandmother she was going out. When she entered the front room, she found Mammi sound asleep in the rocker, her head tilted to the side and her mouth slightly open, snoring softly.
Deciding against waking her up, Sadie quickly scribbled a note saying she was going out and set it on Mammi’s lap. Then she bundled up and slipped out the door. Not surprisingly, Ohio was just as cold as Indiana. She sucked in her breath, lowered her head against the frigid air, and walked quickly across the lawn.
Aaron’s buggy was already there. The passenger door swung open.
“Sadie! You’re here!”
Sadie hurriedly got inside. With its heater, Aaron’s buggy was pleasantly warm.
“Hello, Aaron.”
“Ach, Sadie, it’s gut to see you.”
“It’s gut to see you, too.”
“I’m happy you’re able to be here during Christmas. I bet your mammi is right glad.”
“I think she is.” Sadie searched his face, wondering if her guess had been right. Was he going to speak about their future together?
“Let’s get going,” Aaron said, slapping the reins. The buggy rocked into motion, rolling at a brisk clip down the road.
Sadie’s chest felt tight, and she had to force herself to take even breaths. Aaron was safe to her. Familiar. Kind. She tried to relax. He must have felt her studying him because he turned to her and grinned. He reached out and took her hand in his.
“I’m so happy to be here with you,” he said. He inched closer, and she had a sudden thought that he might lean over and kiss her cheek. She had no idea how she felt about that. He’d never kissed her before, and she’d never been kissed by any boy, not even Peter.
The buggy hit a sizeable rock or something hard in the worn grooves on the asphalt, because it lurched and Aaron dropped her hand and put his full attention back on driving. He laughed. “Sorry about that. Something in the road I guess.”
“No harm done.” Sadie swallowed with difficulty and focused her gaze on the road before them, too.
“How is your mamm?”
“She’s doing all right. Resting a lot. My sisters are going to help with everything until I return.”
“That’s gut.” He sighed audibly. “Uh, Sadie? Will you be staying in Indiana when you go back?”
She turned to look at him again. “I don’t know for sure.” Was this it? Was he about to ask her? Was her future about to be sealed?
“I’m hoping you’ll come back here.” His hands were shaking—she was sure of it. He continued. “I’m hoping you’ll have a big reason for coming back…”
She held her breath.
“Sadie, I’m twenty-three years old. I don’t know if you knew that. I’m ready to settle down.”
She tensed.
“I am wondering if, well, if you’d like to become even more serious. Truth be told, I’m thinking of a possible future together.” He was so nervous, that Sadie wanted to squirm. “Would you… I mean, could you consider marrying me?”
And there it was. Sadie blinked rapidly and opened her mouth. The word yes hovered on her tongue, but nothing came out. Not one sound. Horrified, she clamped her lips together. What was happening? This was it. The moment she’d waited for all her life. The moment every Amish girl waited for.
“Sadie?” There was a note of panic in his voice.
She forced her lips open. “I-I…”
And visions of Peter flooded her mind. Visions of him years ago—his smile, his laughter when he’d cracked a good joke, the twinkle in his eye when he gazed at her. And visions of him now—the earnest expression when he looked at her, his bitter disappointment when she’d handed his stone back to him. The images flipped through her mind. Peter in his straw hat; Peter in his felt hat; Peter walking toward her, Peter walking away from her.
She gasped and wanted to sob out the futility of it. She had no business being there with Aaron. He was a good man, and he deserved someone who loved him. Truly loved him.
“I-I’m so sorry,” she stammered. “Take me home, Aaron. I’m so so sorry.”
His expression was as if she’d struck him. “But I don’t understand—”
“I know. I’m sorry. Please, Aaron. Take me back home.” She was crying then, tears streaming down her face.
“But Sadie—”
She turned away, pressing her cheek against the frame of the door. How had she let it go this far? She was now hurting Aaron just as Peter had hurt her. She felt miserable. Miserable and guilty. When Aaron stopped to let her out, she turned to him.
“You’re a wonderful man, Aaron. I’m just not the right girl for you.” She opened the door, nearly tripping in her haste to get away.
She cried all the way back to the house.
Chapter Eighteen
Mammi wouldn’t stop staring at her. Sadie could feel her eyes penetrate her back as she went about preparing breakfast. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore.
Whirling around, she asked, “What is it?”
Mammi’s eyes narrowed. “What’s wrong with you this morning?”
Sadie sighed, sinking into the nearest kitchen chair. “I went out last night.”
“I know that. You left me a note. I didn’t hear you come in, though. What happened?”
Mammi inhaled sharply. “Did you now?”
“Jah.”
“But you ain’t happy about it?”
“It had to be done.”
“Why?” Mammi asked and then dawning came over her face. “Ach… You fancy someone else.”
Sadie sighed.
“I see.” Mammi walked over to her and put her hands on Sadie’s shoulders. “The Lord Gott will work things out, child. Have no doubt of that.”
Sadie nodded and stood. “Maybe. In the meantime, let me get breakfast on the table.” She went back to moving about the kitchen, frying eggs and flipping the potato cakes.
She was relieved that she’d broken things off with Aaron. She only prayed that he wasn’t too badly hurt. Of course, her thoughts kept circling back to Peter, but she’d done a pretty complete job of blocking any future with him. Why had she been so cold to him? So unforgiving?
Fear.
Plain and simple, she was afraid of being hurt again. So afraid, though, that she cut off any possibility of being with the man she truly loved? Annoyed with herself, she scrambled the eggs too vigorously, slopping big chunks onto the cooking stove.
Mammi was at her elbow, chuckling now. “Sit down, child. I’ll finish up.”
Sadie handed her the spatula.
“I don’t s’pose you’d like to tell me who it is you’re pining after.”
“I don’t suppose I would,” Sadie said, giving her grandmother a sheepish smile.
“At least, you’re smiling now.” Mammi finished up the eggs and turned off the burner. “Bring me them plates, will you?”
Sadie did, and within minutes, they were sitting together eating. When they were finished, Sadie insisted that she red up the kitchen alone. Mammi didn’t argue and headed off toward the front room.
Christmas In Hollybrook (Hollybrook Holiday Amish Romance) Page 7