Voice of the Heart

by Barbara Taylor Bradford

  ‘Yes, I do.’ Katharine’s voice was steadier as she continued. ‘I’ve given a great deal of thought to our relationship, and come to the conclusion it will never work. The longer I know Kim, the more I understand how important his heritage is to him. He loves Langley with a passion, it’s his life. And so are farming and your ancient lands. He wouldn’t be happy for very long if he were far away from them. And I wouldn’t be happy either, if I had to forgo my career in Hollywood. You see, Frankie darling, he’s been hinting that I’d have to give up my acting eventually, and also grumbling about our being separated for months on end. Don’t think I’m oblivious to what my long absences would mean to him, because I’m not. But by the same token I would only be half alive if I didn’t act. Surely you of all people understand about my work.’

  Francesca said, ‘Yes, I do. But can’t you work this out with Kim? Compromise perhaps?’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ The love Katharine felt for Francesca flew to the surface, and she leaned forward, patted her hand affectionately. ‘I’m aware you had great hopes for us, wanted Kim and me to marry, but it’s just not in the cards. We lead such different lives, want different things, and we’re wrong for each other in so many ways.’

  ‘That’s not true!’ Francesca cried urgently. ‘You’re so right for each other. I know you are. Oh darling, I think you’re being far too hasty.’

  ‘I’m not, Frankie. I’ve mulled this over for a long time, and my decision is final. Please don’t look so sad and unhappy.’

  ‘I can’t help it, Katharine. You’d make a wonderful wife for Kim, and be the best sister-in-law.’ Francesca lifted her head, squinting in the sunlight, and dismay swamped her face. ‘He’s going to be crushed… my poor brother is going to be heartbroken.’

  ‘Only for a little while. He’ll get over me, and I’m sure he’ll fall in love again. This morning I decided it would be kinder, and more considerate, to break the news to Kim later. After the vacation is over. It would be difficult for us both now, while we’re here at the villa. And by later I mean when I’m in California. I thought I could call him in about six weeks and say I’d decided to stay on in Hollywood. I realize it won’t be easy for him, whichever way I handle it. Still, it might be less painful for him to bear if I’m far away. What do you think?’

  ‘I honestly don’t know.’ Francesca looked at her queerly.

  ‘I’m not being a coward, if that’s what you’re thinking,’ Katharine protested, her cheeks colouring. ‘I’m considering Kim and his feelings—his pride, his ego. Nobody likes to be rejected, Frankie, and that’s how he’ll see it. He won’t accept the fact that I’m being intelligent for both of us. Also, don’t you think he’d be embarrassed and mortified if I tell him now—with all the family here?’

  ‘Well, yes, I suppose he would be,’ Francesca felt bound to agree, albeit with reluctance. She thought of the way Kim had defended Katharine, had been her champion. Yes, her brother would feel foolish, considering his staunch loyalty in the face of their father’s disquiet and opposition. This had never been voiced, but intuitively Francesca knew it existed. Daddy and Doris are going to be delighted by this turn of events, she said to herself. They disapprove of Kath, think she’s unworthy of Kim. They’re so wrong. Another thought intruded, brought a bright smile to Francesca’s glum face. ‘You are right to wait, to tell Kim later,’ she pronounced with sudden certainty. ‘And not only to spare his feelings, but because you’ll probably miss him so much, you won’t want to break off with him after all. When you’re in Hollywood you’ll have a chance to truly evaluate your emotions, and maybe have second thoughts, Kath. Consider that for a moment.’

  ‘I won’t change my mind, darling,’ Katharine spoke so quietly Francesca had trouble hearing her. ‘Even if I thought there was a chance of the marriage working, I would not marry Kim. I cannot marry him. Not now. Not ever.’

  Francesca was still straining to catch her friend’s words, her attention concentrated on Katharine’s face, which was paler and filling with distress. ‘Why not?’ demanded Francesca, her voice rising, reflecting her alarm.

  ‘There’s an impediment.’

  ‘What on earth do you mean?’ Her brows puckered. ‘Impediment. That’s a peculiar word to use.’

  Katharine turned her face away, closing her eyes. Despite her compelling desire to unburden herself to Francesca, to share her worries, the sentence stuck in her throat, and she bit her inner lip. At last she said in a small voice that was oddly firm and clear, ‘I’m pregnant, Frankie. That’s the impediment.’

  Francesca’s mouth opened, formed a perfectly round O, but not one sound came out. She sat staring at her friend in stupefaction.

  ‘And obviously not by Kim,’ Katharine added. She leaned back in the chair, experiencing a sense of relief, a lightness almost, glad this was finally out in the open.

  ‘Oh Kath darling! Oh Kath—’ Francesca was unable to say anything more, and her heart went out to her friend with compassion and tenderness.

  ‘I’m not going to insult you by asking you to promise not to repeat this,’ said Katharine. ‘I trust you, Frankie. With my life.’

  ‘And you can, darling. Always. I would never tell anybody anything about you. I love you far too much to hurt you.’ Francesca’s eyes grew huge in her face, and she asked in a whisper, ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘There’s only one thing I can do. I’ll have to have an abortion,’ Katharine whispered back.

  ‘Oh my God, no! You can’t, Kath. You mustn’t. That’s so dangerous. Risky. It’s illegal, and you’d be forced to go to a quack. I know a girl from school who went to one and she… almost bled to death.’

  Katharine’s mouth had gone dry, and she took a sip of the lemonade, found herself gagging on it. She put the glass down carefully, mumbled, ‘I’m not going to a quack. When my doctor called me last Friday to tell me the tests were positive, he said he would arrange for me to go into a private nursing home where there are qualified doctors. It’s expensive, but he assures me it’s safe. I’ll be all right,’ she finished, adopting a positive tone, but her apprehension flared as she contemplated the ordeal facing her.

  The mere idea of an abortion terrified Francesca, wherever it was being performed and by whom, for she vividly remembered the school friend who had so foolishly endangered her young life. She drew closer to Katharine, implored, ‘Please, please don’t go through with this, Kath darling. You’re so delicate, and I’m worried about your health. What about the father? Won’t he stand by you?’ When these questions remained unanswered, Francesca discarded her usual reserve. ‘Who is it, Kath? Who’s the father?’

  Katharine shook her head. ‘I’d rather not mention his name.’

  Francesca was surprised, but she did not say so. Instead, she intoned with firmness, ‘Look here, Kath, I think you should have the baby, no matter what. An abortion is so dicey and—’

  ‘I can’t!’ Katharine wailed, her voice breaking. ‘Please don’t try to dissuade me. I won’t even begin to tell you the kind of hell I’ve been through, coming to the decision in the first place. I was brought up a Roman Catholic, and although I’ve been lapsed for years, I guess I’m still a Catholic in my heart. I’m committing a mortal sin. I’m killing my own child. Oh God, Frankie, don’t make it worse—’ For the first time the tears brimmed, Katharine searched her pocket for a handkerchief, wiped her eyes, tried to recoup her self-control.

  ‘Don’t cry, Kath,’ Francesca murmured, reaching for her hand, gentling her. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you more than you are already. And you know I’ll do anything I can to help you…’ Francesca paused thoughtfully, plunged in again. ‘About the man—’

  ‘What about him?’ Katharine interrupted fretfully.

  ‘I’m not asking his name,’ Francesca asserted. ‘I was just wondering what he’s said about your plans?’

  ‘He doesn’t know.’

  ‘Why haven’t you told him, for God’s sake?’ Francesca dem
anded.

  ‘Because I’m not sure what he’d do, how he’d react.’ Francesca bit her lip again and winced. It was raw from chewing nervously on it for days. She said, in a dim voice, ‘He doesn’t even know I’m pregnant.’

  ‘Oh Kath!’ Francesca straightened up, and a look of fierce determination flashed. ‘My God, you must tell him! Immediately. This is a terrible burden for you to carry alone. Anyway, it’s his responsibility too. You have to inform him, so that he can help you, comfort you, see you through this.’

  ‘Thank you for saying you’ll be there for me. I’m grateful for that.’ Fresh tears sparkled and she brushed her eyes with her hand. ‘I wish I’d told you about this before. I didn’t because I wasn’t sure how you’d take it. I thought you might despise me. I know how you feel about Kim… so protective of him. And while I’m not trying to excuse what I’ve done, I do want you to know I’m not promiscuous, and I—’

  ‘I never thought you were!’

  ‘I don’t sleep around,’ Katharine continued in a subdued manner. ‘What I mean is, I wasn’t having two affairs at once. I haven’t ever slept with Kim, as long as I’ve known him.’

  ‘I wasn’t sure whether you had or not, and anyway, it’s none of my business. Also, you should know I’d never moralize to you, nor do you have to justify yourself to me, Kath.’

  ‘Thank you, darling. And thank you for being my friend.’

  ‘As your friend I feel I must say something else to you,’ began Francesca hesitantly. ‘I can’t fathom your attitude. I don’t want to harp on about the man, but why won’t you tell him about your predicament?’

  ‘Because there’s no point. Why worry him when I’m perfectly capable of dealing with this myself? It’s bad enough I’ve been at my wits’ end, without inflicting torment on him as well.’

  Francesca was hard pressed to hide her irritation. ‘That’s typical of you. Thinking of others. But not very smart. Besides, he might not agree to this plan of yours. Hasn’t it occurred to you he might want to marry you, want you to have the baby? And what about you? Wouldn’t you marry him if he asked you?’

  ‘He won’t ask me. He’s already married.’

  ‘Oh no!’

  Katharine dropped her eyes, her misery acute. She had not intended to go this far, to tell Francesca as much as she had. She had simply wanted to explain her reasons for breaking up with Kim, share her worries about the baby. She was wading in deep water unexpectedly, perhaps because she had not anticipated such persistent and pertinent questions from Francesca, who was normally so discreet.

  ‘Couldn’t he get a divorce, Kath?’ Francesca suggested.

  ‘I don’t know. But to be honest, I don’t want him to. I don’t want to marry him and I’m sure he feels the same. We don’t love each other, at least not in that way… we’re very fond of each other of course.’ Katharine shook her head vehemently, this gesture as negative as her expression. ‘Marriage is a serious business, and if it’s going to work, to be successful, it has to have a strong foundation, be based on much deeper emotions than those we share.’ She exhaled wearily. ‘So marriage is hardly a solution… it’s out of the question.’

  ‘I see.’ Francesca did not know what to say or suggest. She had reached an impasse with Katharine, who was strong willed to the point of obduracy. Francesca was entirely convinced Katharine’s judgment was seriously flawed, and that she must reveal her condition to the man with whom she was involved, to gain his emotional support, if nothing else. ‘Are you afraid to tell him, Kath?’

  Startled from her momentary abstraction, Katharine raised her dark head, shook it. ‘No, of course I’m not. Why do you ask?’

  ‘It struck me that this might be the reason you haven’t explained the situation to him. I know I’m nagging, but he really ought to know. I’d certainly be willing to tell him for you if—’

  ‘No!’ Katharine almost shouted, alarmed at this proposal. ‘Absolutely not.’

  Francesca pulled back, startled and rebuffed.

  Katharine, observing the hurt look, apologized swiftly. ‘I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t mean to snap at you. It was sweet of you to volunteer.’ She instantly comprehended something else reflected in the tawny eyes, and scrutinized Francesca more closely. ‘You’re annoyed because I’m being mysterious about his identity, aren’t you?’

  ‘No, Kath, I’m not. I am a bit baffled though. You’ve confided so much in me, I can’t imagine you don’t trust me completely. Still…’ Francesca shrugged, then added, ‘I wasn’t being nosey when I said I’d talk to him for you, I was merely trying to help.’

  ‘Oh Frankie, I realize that.’ Katharine pondered. She had vowed she would never disclose his name. To protect herself. She had to be in sole control of her future and her destiny, and who knew what emotions would be unleashed if he found out. She could not permit him to have that kind of power over her, to possibly dictate to her. Musing out loud, Katharine now remarked, ‘He’s an odd man, and difficult to read at times.’ She leaned back, thinking. Innumerable images danced around in her head, and then a faraway expression washed over her delicately beautiful face and a faint smile touched her lips. ‘But then I’ve told you that before…’ The sentence remained unfinished.

  Confused and bewildered, Francesca said, ‘Mentioned what? I’m not following you.’

  Katharine sighed, said with resignation, ‘That Vic is a funny kind of man, so lonely really, and—’

  ‘Vic! Why are you talking about Vic all of a sudden?’

  Shaking her head, Katharine murmured softly, ‘I hadn’t meant to reveal his name, but as you said, you do know so much. I suppose it doesn’t matter. I mean, I know I can count on your confidentiality, Frankie. Vic is the father of my child.’

  Francesca recoiled. She stared at Katharine aghast, so stunned she was uncomprehending. What had Katharine just said? That Vic was the father of the baby? It wasn’t possible. Not Vic. Katharine and Vic. For a fraction of a second Francesca convinced herself she had misheard, misunderstood. She blinked nervously. ‘Victor Mason?’ As she mouthed his name horror swarmed over her, and her mind baulked at the shattering implications, refused to accept them.

  ‘Why, yes.’ Katharine’s expression was suddenly rueful. ‘You sound so surprised, yet you know better than anyone else how much we’ve been thrown together.’

  A voice shrieked in Francesca’s brain, denying, denying. Her eyes, wild with shock and disbelief, were fixed on Katharine. She opened her mouth. Nothing came out.

  Katharine leaned across the table with urgency. ‘You must promise me you won’t tell him. He must never know about the baby. Never. Promise me, Frankie, please promise me. Give me your word of honour. Swear it on… the honour of the Cunninghams,’ Katharine insisted with high-pitched intensity. Her eyes, more startlingly blue than ever, stretched wider, were pleading.

  ‘Y-y-yes,’ stammered Francesca, foundering, her shock spiralling. ‘I promise. On my honour.’ This was an automatic response; she hardly knew what she was saying. She thought she was choking. Her chest had tightened, and her heart, pounding at an accelerated rate, clattered against her ribcage. It wasn’t true! Katharine was lying. But why would she lie? She had no reason to name Victor if he was not the father of her child. To hurt me. Because she’s jealous. No, she would never hurt me. She loves me. She doesn’t know about us, so how could she be jealous? Victor had insisted on secrecy. Of course. He had had to do that. Because of Katharine. He had been sleeping with them both at the same time. Oh my God! Oh Vic! Oh Vic! How could you! Why? And why Katharine? Why my dearest friend? You betrayed me, Vic. No, they both betrayed me! And so treacherously. No, not Katharine. She never knew about us. I must tell her. No, don’t tell her. Wait. First find out. About her and Vic. I don’t want to know. Yes, you do. I couldn’t stand it. Yes, you could. You have to know. For your own sanity.

  These chaotic thoughts, swirling in Francesca’s brain, jostling violently against one another in the passage of a few minutes, were ac
companied by a terrible silent scream. It was a scream of unbearable pain and anguish. She clasped her shaking hands together in her lap, digging her nails into her palms, striving for control, willing herself to continue this horrifying dialogue.

  ‘I would have never guessed he was… that it was him.’ Francesca heard her voice as if from a great distance. It was a hoarse and rasping whisper.

  ‘I thought it was probably obvious, that you’d already put two and two together,’ Katharine replied.

  Now Francesca forced herself to ask the most difficult question of all. ‘How long… how long has it been going on?’ She dreaded the answer. She wanted to run—and run fast. Away from this dark and dazzling beauty facing her, away from this terrace, away from this house. Run. Run anywhere. She looked at Katharine, waiting. She must know… know the worst, however much it pained her, destroyed her. And she knew in her heart of hearts, and with a sinking dread, that she was about to be destroyed. She asked, ‘Has it been a long affair?’

  ‘No, not long,’ Katharine responded absently, again lost in her own ruminations, her eyes trained on the distant sea. Rousing herself, she went on, ‘We’ve always been close, as you know, but not romantically entangled. Then in May, on location, it just happened, before either of us realized. In a sense, I believe it was an inevitability. We were so caught up with our work, the film, those passionate love scenes on the set. And there is something irresistible about Vic. He’s so masculine, and very forceful.’

  A sigh swept through Katharine and she shook her head, looked wistful. ‘I couldn’t help myself, in spite of Kim, and even though I knew deep down it probably wasn’t a major involvement for Vic. He’s accustomed to women swooning at his feet, you know what a lady-killer he is. As a matter of fact, it didn’t take me long to realize our romance would fizzle out as swiftly as it had started. I was right. It was virtually meaningless to him.’ Another tiny sigh. ‘He’s fond of me, cares about me, in his own way. Under the circumstances, I didn’t have much alternative but to be philosophical about everything. Unfortunately, I hadn’t bargained for this… the consequences.’