by Betty Bolte
She pulled her hand free and glared at him. Shock flashed in her chest, a pain to her heart. No mention of marriage. No thought for her safety or wellbeing, nor for her son. No consideration for the life she'd begun to build. "Are you daft?"
Nathaniel reached for her hand, missed when she moved it farther away, and then let his own drop back to his leg. "I had hoped after we'd grown so close over the last few months you'd want to go anywhere I went."
She'd love to be with him, but here. Not in some distant place so far from everything and everyone she loved and cared about. And he still hadn't asked for her hand. She'd most definitely not go with him as his mistress. What if they had a falling out and he left her on her own, hundreds of miles from her family with only her two hands to support herself and Jim? Oh, and he'd not even mentioned taking her son with them, should she go. Did he expect she'd leave him behind? How would an infant survive such a journey? She had to change his mind, make him want to stay. But how?
"What about your work at the press?"
He shrugged, his eyes searching her face. "It's only for a month or so. Frank mentioned he'd release me from my promise so I could take advantage of this amazing opportunity. Plenty of time to save my money before making the move. I cannot wait longer than that to realize my dream."
So he'd never really intended to stay in Charlestown, let alone the state. He'd found a dream. His delusion, to her mind. Her dream lay in the school and her son. The property would be Jim's one day, her husband's legacy for his offspring. How could she give up what she'd been working so hard to make happen, to follow Nathaniel to some unseen, unknown wilderness?
The discussion with her mother regarding plans changing came back to haunt her. His plans certainly had modified over the months she'd known him. Not once had he hinted at such a profound diversion in his future from what she'd expected. She was not as brave as Peggy, journeying far from home and family to start anew. Nathaniel assuredly held no reservation with the concept, his eagerness evident in the grin aimed in her direction. Well, he needed to understand the depth of his betrayal.
"You lied to me. Hid your true plans from me." Tears threatened as she shoved her skirts out of the way to put her feet under her and stand. Glaring down at the blasted man, she fought for her composure. She'd been wrong to fall in love with him. With anyone. Her heart cleaved in two and she tossed her head and stamped her foot, frustration and anger warring inside. "Take me home."
"I only ever agreed to work for Frank for six months. That was time I set aside to make a plan." Nathaniel bounded to his feet, grabbing both her hands in his. "What have I said to make you angry?"
"If you don't know, then there's no point in continuing this relationship." She knew what she had to do, wrenching though it would be. Her heart shattered into shards, slicing her emotions into ragged pieces as she gazed at the man before her. She took a breath and released it as tears slipped down her cheeks. "I do not care to ever see you again."
Chapter 30
What was he thinking? He should never have mentioned his decision to her. Rather he should have simply left, leaving her to wonder where he'd gone, but at least she wouldn't be angry with him.
She threw the dishes and food into the hamper and slammed the lid closed. He'd never seen her so upset. She thrust the hapless container at him, which he grabbed before it fell to the ground. Apparently, she didn't want to chance touching him, even accidentally in the transfer of the container from her hands to his. Hell and damnation.
He strode to the carriage to deposit the hamper in the back. Behind him, she snapped the blanket as she shook it out. Before he could turn around, she appeared beside him to shove the wadded blanket beside the hamper. She flashed a glare in his direction, streaks of tears on her cheeks, and then clambered onto the front seat. Staring straight ahead, she took a position as far away from where he'd sit as humanly possible, her hands folded in her lap.
With a weary sigh, he strode to his side of the carriage and stepped up to take his seat. She didn't say a word the entire time he settled on the bench and lifted the traces. She turned her head to look away from him. Damnation but he had bollixed the entire revelation in such a way as to appear irreparable. He slapped the leather reins on the horse's rump and clucked to urge the beast into a walk.
What could he say to make her understand? He drove in silence for several minutes, contemplating possibilities all while drawing closer to her home and reducing the amount of time available to apologize or explain, or both. He mentally kicked himself for his inane attempt to do the one thing he had resisted because he feared her reaction. Rightly so, as it happened.
"Lyn, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." Steering around a hole in the road, he peeked at her but only saw the back of her bonnet. "Please, talk to me."
She shifted her shoulders, her cloak draping on the seat between them. The lace trim of her hat trembled as she stubbornly maintained her silence and kept her gaze averted. If she continued to refuse to speak with him, how would he ever make amends?
"You don't understand how important this opportunity is to me." Nathaniel glanced at the passing scenery, the leafy trees and greening fields as witness to his distress. "Lyn?"
Silence except for the piercing cry of a hawk and the sound of the mare's hooves on the dirt road.
"I cannot live in South Carolina for the rest of my life. It's too painful, and I—"
The reasons sounded lame even to him. She'd not fathom his motivations for making the torturous choice. Even if he could adequately explain them, she had told him she wouldn't go with him. To leave her home and family behind proved impossible. Still, she needed to comprehend the fact that he had not meant to deceive her in any way.
"I do wish you'd talk to me."
She turned to pin him with her blazing gaze. "We have nothing to say to one another."
"I think we do."
"Only farewell." She turned away again.
He steered the trotting horse onto her lane, the house looming in the short distance. The dogs ran to the front yard, announcing their approach. Before much longer his time to talk with her would end.
"I didn't tell you of my decision before today because I had not settled on my course of action until a few days ago." He regarded the back of her head and the thrust of her jaw for a moment and then sighed. "Won't you accept my apology before I depart?"
She stiffened and clenched her jaw.
"Whether or not you understand why I must go, the fact remains that I will leave before much longer." He steered the horse into the barnyard and pulled on the reins to halt the horse and carriage. He laid a hand on her forearm and squeezed gently. "I'd rather take you with me, but at least let me go without your resentment in my heart and soul."
Chapter 31
Nathaniel's hand on her arm threatened to destroy the barricade she'd erected around her emotions. As always, contact between them served to instill an urgent desire to increase the sensations racing through her core. She wouldn't let his words sway her because of what he just said. He would leave with or without her. She couldn't go with him. She swept her gaze over the house and outbuildings, the two dogs with their tongues lolling and tails wagging, and then spotted Jack emerging from the barn. She couldn't leave all of this, her home and family, behind.
Pulling her arm from his grasp, she stepped out of the carriage without looking back at the man who had stolen her heart. If she did, she might relent and forgive him, but she'd never forget him. Her hand found the locket at her throat, the fine filigreed surface comforting even as she realized why he'd given it to her. To remember him after he left. She hurried into the house, closing the door with a bang. The jangle of harness told her Nathaniel had driven away from her. For the last time.
Peggy strode into the passage and paused to frown at her. "What's the matter? Did you not enjoy your picnic?"
"No!" The word came out on a wail and she gasped a sob. "He deceived me, Peggy. I cannot believe he'd leave me."
Evelyn pulled a kerchief from her pocket and blotted her tears. "He has decided to move far away and never return."
"What of you? Why would he leave you?"
"He asked me to go with him but said nothing of marriage." Evelyn shook her head in dismay. "How could I?"
Peggy sank onto a nearby chair and pressed her hands onto her legs. "You love him. How could you not go with him?"
"Such a long and arduous journey would not be possible for my son." Evelyn couldn't believe Peggy suggested she should have accepted Nathaniel's outrageous offer. "What would I do if he left me once we made it to wherever he's going? If he betrayed me again? I'd be alone to fend for myself and my son in a strange city, without any friends or family to assist."
"You're essentially alone now, relying upon others to help you achieve your aims." Peggy ran her hands over her skirt, smoothing away unseen wrinkles. "You'd survive, Miss. You're strong and braver than you give yourself credit for."
Evelyn leapt to her feet, agitated beyond words. Nathaniel had made his decision without considering her and her situation. He had the flexibility to make a move such as the one he proposed to strike out upon, but she had responsibilities not so easily set aside. Students to teach in a few months. A child to raise. Her servants' welfare to consider. The debt to her father. All of her obligations weighed upon her, but she must deal with them. She couldn't run away.
She paced from one end of the parlor to the other and then spun to stare at her maid. "You are much more courageous than I am. We've established that fact earlier."
"I disagree with you. If I were in your shoes, I'd accept his offer and go with him for the adventure."
"I cannot. Even if I wanted to, which I don't." Evelyn paced to the fireplace and stared at the flames licking the logs with red and yellow tongues of fire.
Peggy rose and crossed to stand beside her, slipping her arm around Evelyn's shoulders. "Think on it and you may change your mind."
No, she would not. Her heart reverberated in pain mingled with anger from his withholding such devastating admissions. She would not have allowed herself to fall in love if he'd been upfront with her as to his intentions. She fingered the locket for a moment and then took a step closer to the fireplace. She reached behind her neck to unfasten the clasp. With a wail revealing the depth of her anguish, she flung the necklace into the fire.
"Evelyn, no!" Peggy grabbed up the tongs and moved in to retrieve the jewelry.
"Leave it." Evelyn whispered the command. The gift itself belied Nathaniel's claim of having decided days ago, having presented it to her weeks before. She swallowed the tears threatening to fall. "Do not mention this day to me ever again."
Chapter 32
Days drifted by filled with endless chores and sadness. Evelyn worked hard every day to clean and polish the house. Peggy wisely refrained from mentioning the destruction of the happy couple, but not talking about Nathaniel did nothing to ease the anguish from the absence of his laugh, his touch, his kiss. Evelyn pushed herself each day in an effort to forget, or at least not dwell on, the handsome man she loved. Correction. Once loved.
She finished shining the newel post of the wide curving staircase leading up to the second floor. One last rub of the rag in her hand and done. What next? She strolled through the house, sunlight illuminating the interior on the eastern side. As she passed from room to room, her delight increased. Every carpet, table, and chair stood ready to serve her family and students. Fresh flowers in vases graced several side tables, a contribution from the extensive gardens surrounding her home.
Each room displayed a theme within the design of the wallpaper. The Chinese room featured silk fans, cherry tree blossoms, and bright, bold colors. The French room depicted fleur-de-lis interposed with bunches of grapes and lavender. The British room featured rolling green hills dotted with white sheep on one wall, Stonehenge on another, and a third with the symbols of England: roses, wrens, and oak trees. She envisioned spending time in each room with her girls, teaching them about the different motifs and cultures.
In time, she'd find peace and contentment in her role as a teacher and mother. The routine combined with the ever changing personalities of her students would replace the burning love for Nathaniel. She'd surround herself with young ladies eager to learn, delving into subjects and activities designed to edify and enhance their minds, and thus improve their chances of succeeding in whatever future they may choose. Evelyn would somehow manage to forget Nathaniel, and maybe her heart would mend if she found someone else. Then again, she didn't want any other man in her life. She sighed, the pain fresh and deep at the loss.
As the last of her breath left her chest, a low growl sounded in the room behind her. She gasped when the deep bass registered as Walter's voice, causing a chill to flash across her skin. She had to be imagining she heard him. He'd died, after all. Wrapping her arms around her waist, she inched toward the door leading into the Chinese room. Drawing closer one hesitant step at a time, she gulped in air without daring to make any noise of her own. She did not believe in ghosts. Yet the hair on her arms stood up, almost as though pulling her into the room. Finally reaching the threshold, she darted a glance around the interior of the chamber.
A grouping of chairs and a couch stood to her left, centered upon the wall and covered with peach colored fabric. A writing desk and chair nestled beside the merrily burning fire in the fireplace, the lid of the desk closed so the blank book she'd placed inside as well as an ink stand and quill pen remained hidden from view. A flash of light to her right made her gasp and spin to seek out the cause. She looked from one spot to another in the room, her gaze halting its frantic pace when she espied what appeared to be her deceased husband leaning casually against the sideboard, one hand hovering over a crystal decanter of brandy. A snarl grew on his mouth as he scowled at her. His expression left no doubt in her mind that he planned to make her life a living hell once again.
She tried to scream but no sound emerged from her horrified throat. Her knees buckled and she collapsed to the floor in a puddle of mussed skirts, staring at him with her mouth gaping open. It couldn't be. Could it? If only Nathaniel might rescue her from the threat of her husband's abuse. But Nathaniel had let her down and she must face her fears alone. Her greatest fear being of her husband returning to continue what he'd started.
She blinked and the shadow of Walter vanished. Her terrified heart thundered in her chest as she searched the room with her eyes. She saw only inanimate objects she had placed around the area herself. Nothing out of the ordinary. She scooted herself backward and sagged against the wall, dragging deep breaths into her chest to calm her racing heart even as she continued to rake the room with her terrified gaze. He'd gone. If he'd even been there.
What on earth had just happened? Was she losing her sanity? She waited, straining to hear any sound or motion out of place in the room. She also waited for the thudding in her ears to quiet and her breathing to return to normal. After several minutes, she gathered the courage together to move, to stand up and smooth out her rumpled skirts with shaky hands. Heaven protect her but she sincerely hoped to never have another such experience. She didn't know what to make of the memory flashing in her mind of Walter's belligerent demeanor toward her. She mentally shook herself. She couldn't permit his ghost—if that was indeed what she'd seen—rule her life. Most definitely, she'd not share her vision with any others for fear they'd have her confined in an asylum. She wouldn't blame them for believing her mind had snapped.
"Miss Evelyn?"
Evelyn jumped at the sudden interruption to her thoughts, inhaling sharply as she settled her emotions as best she could. "In the Chinese room." She pivoted and moved toward the open door.
Peggy appeared in the passage outside of the room, a paper in her hand. "I've written the advertisement as you asked.
Will you read it?"
"Did you remember to add the opening date?" Evelyn tucked the rag into an apron pocket, accepted the sheet, and then perused its contents. "Yes, I see you did. This serves the purpose well."
"Do you want me to carry it to the print shop to include in the paper?" Peggy maintained a calm demeanor despite the weighty question.
Evelyn had long planned to take the advertisement herself, a ready excuse to see her man. With the present situation between her and Nathaniel, how could she? Putting herself in such a position surely would try her soul. She reached for the locket, but her fingers didn't find what they sought. Peggy had insisted upon saving the necklace, which lay in its felt pouch at the bottom of a silver box containing her other bits of jewelry. She'd not wear it again. She sighed. Seeing the man she wanted but could not have seemed silly and painful combined. Torture of her emotions and comportment.
On the other hand, going provided an opportunity to see her family and friends if only for a brief visit. She'd tell them of the opening of her school and receive their congratulations with all due humility. The achievement of her dream and the embarkation of her future surrounded her, all bright and shiny. To succeed in her aim, she must develop the ability to face uncomfortable and difficult situations with grace and confidence. Another lesson she would teach to her students.
Besides, what harm would it do to see Nathaniel in a business setting? Nothing intimate or personal would have chance to pass between them in such a place. Mayhap he'd apologize and change his aim. He probably wanted her back, as he'd claimed to be in love with her. But she wouldn't take him. Not since their relationship had been founded upon the quicksand of deception. She'd grown into a confident woman over the last six months, returning to her true nature. She would not hide her feelings and reactions for any man ever again. She could take the advertisement, but then again what if when she faced him, her will weakened? She straightened her back and smiled at her servant.