The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs

by Ambrose Bierce

  Jehal Dai Lupe.

  B

  BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the Phœnicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word “babble.” Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun’s rays on stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom.

  BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf.

  Ere babes were invented

  The girls were contented.

  Now man is tormented

  Until to buy babes he has squandered

  His money. And so I have pondered

  This thing, and thought may be

  ’T were better that Baby

  The First had been eagled or condored.

  Ro Amil.

  BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

  Is public worship, then, a sin,

  That for devotions paid to Bacchus

  The lictors dare to run us in,

  And resolutely thump and whack us?

  Jorace.

  BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.

  BACKBITE, v. t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can’t find you.

  BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.

  BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways—by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.

  But whether the plan of immersion

  Is better than simple aspersion

  Let those immersed

  And those aspersed

  Decide by the Authorized Version,

  And by matching their agues tertian.

  G. J.

  BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

  BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which it is their business to deprive others.

  BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched from the egg of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many infidels deny this creature’s existence, but Semprello Aurator saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile’s sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped laying.

  BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion.

  BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.

  The man who taketh a steam bath

  He loseth all the skin he hath,

  And, for he’s boiled a brilliant red,

  Thinketh to cleanliness he’s wed,

  Forgetting that his lungs he’s soiling

  With dirty vapors of the boiling.

  Richard Gwow.

  BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.

  BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.

  BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

  BEFRIEND, v. t. To make an ingrate.

  BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.

  Who is that, father?

  A mendicant, child,

  Haggard, morose, and unaffable—wild!

  See how he glares through the bars of his cell!

  With Citizen Mendicant all is not well.

  Why did they put him there, father?

  Because

  Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.

  His belly?

  Oh, well, he was starving, my boy—

  A state in which, doubtless, there’s little of joy.

  No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry

  Was “Bread!” ever “Bread!”

  What’s the matter with pie?

  With little to wear, he had nothing to sell;

  To beg was unlawful—improper as well.

  Why didn’t he work?

  He would even have done that,

  But men said: “Get out!” and the State remarked: “Scat!”

  I mention these incidents merely to show

  That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low.

  Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou,

  But for trifles—

  Pray what did bad Mendicant do?

  Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack

  And tuck out the belly that clung to his back.

  Is that all father dear?

  There is little to tell:

  They sent him to jail, and they’ll send him to—well,

  The company’s better than here we can boast,

  And there’s—

  Bread for the needy, dear father?

  Um—toast.

  Atka Mip.

  BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.

  BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom’s translation of the following lines in the Dies Iræ:

  Recordare, Jesu pie,

  Quod sum causa tuæ viæ.

  Ne me perdas illa die.

  Pray remember, sacred Savior,

  Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your

  Death-blow. Pardon such behavior.

  BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

  BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars.

  She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be

  A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text.

  “Here’s one of an order of cooks,” said she—

  “Black friars in this world, fried black in the next.”

  “The Devil on Earth” (London, 1712).

  BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.

  BERENICE’S HAIR, n. A constellation (Coma Berenices) named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.

  Her locks an ancient lady gave

  Her loving husband’s life to save;

  And men—they honored so the dame—

  Upon some stars bestowed her name.

  But to our modern married fair,

  Who’d give their lords to save their hair,

  No stellar recognition’s given.

  There are not stars enough in heaven.

  G. J.

  BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

  BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

  BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.

  BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of
stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Ætna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.

  BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of berries in a market—the fine ones on top—have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.

  BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters—the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.

  BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. The hyena.

  “One night,” a doctor said, “last fall,

  I and my comrades, four in all,

  When visiting a graveyard stood

  Within the shadow of a wall.

  “While waiting for the moon to sink

  We saw a wild hyena slink

  About a new-made grave, and then

  Begin to excavate its brink!

  “Shocked by the horrid act, we made

  A sally from our ambuscade,

  And, falling on the unholy beast,

  Dispatched him with a pick and spade.”

  Bettel K. Jhones.

  BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.

  Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to give. “I need no bondsmen,” he replied, “for I can give you my word of honor.” “And pray what may be the value of that?” inquired the amused Regent. “Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold.”

  BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

  BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables—those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.

  BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.

  BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

  BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.

  A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator’s bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.

  —Henry Ward Beecher.

  BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva—a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty.

  O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,

  First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,

  You sit there so calm and securely,

  With feet folded up so demurely—

  You’re the First Person Singular, surely.

  Polydore Smith.

  BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

  BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.

  BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

  BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.

  C

  CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.

  CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.

  The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor’s Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty’s measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were appeased.

  CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

  CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

  When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. “What!” said one of his disciples, “you weep at the death of an enemy?” “Ah, ’tis true,” replied the great Stoic; “but you should see me smile at the death of a friend.”

  CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

  CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels—the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.

  CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

  CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

  CANONICALS, n. The motley worn by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.

  CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons—including all the assassins—entertain grave misgivings.

  CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.

  As Death was a-riding out one day,

  Across Mount Carmel he took his way,

  Where he met a mendicant monk,

  Some three or four quarters drunk,

  With a holy leer and a pious grin,

  Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,

  Who held out his hands and cried:

  “Give, give in Charity’s name, I pray.

  Give in the name of the Church. O give,

  Give that her holy sons may live!”

  And Death replied,

  Smiling long and wide:

  “I’ll give, holy father, I’ll give thee—a ride.”

  With a rattle and bang

  Of his bones, he sprang

  From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;

  By the neck and the foot

  Seized the fellow, and put

  Him astride with his face to the rear.

  The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell

  Like clods on the coffin’s sounding shell:

  “Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,

  Will ride to the devil!”—and thump

  Fell the flat of his dart on the rump

  Of the charger, which galloped away.

  Faster and faster and faster it flew,

  Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew

  By the road were dim and blended and blue

  To the wild, wide eyes

  Of the rider—in size

  Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.

  Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh

  At a burial serv
ice spoiled,

  And the mourners’ intentions foiled

  By the body erecting

  Its head and objecting

  To further proceedings in its behalf.

  Many a year and many a day

  Have passed since these events away.

  The monk has long been a dusty corse,

  And Death has never recovered his horse.

  For the friar got hold of its tail,

  And steered it within the pale

  Of the monastery gray,

  Where the beast was stabled and fed

  With barley and oil and bread

  Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,

  And so in due course was appointed Prior.

  G. J.

  CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

  CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum—whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum—“I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;” as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

  CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

  This is a dog,

  This is a cat.

  This is a frog,

  This is a rat.

  Run, dog, mew, cat,

  Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.

  Elevenson.

  CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.

  CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games:

  His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here commemorated by his family, who shared them.

  In the earth we here prepare a

  Place to lay our little Clara.

  —Thomas M. and Mary Frazer.

  P. S.—Gabriel will raise her.

  CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, “Every man his own horse.” The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history.