The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs

by Ambrose Bierce

  POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a prosperity where they believe these to be unknown.

  PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

  PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory race that antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited “the Void” and to have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little is known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy.

  PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.

  PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial.

  Precipitate in all, this sinner

  Took action first, and then his dinner.

  Judibras.

  PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.

  PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency.

  PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.

  PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation.

  PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.

  An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. “Because,” he replied, “death is no better than life.”

  It is longer.

  PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.

  He lived in a period prehistoric,

  When all was absurd and phantasmagoric.

  Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder,

  Set down great events in succession and order,

  He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous

  In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.

  Orpheus Bowen.

  PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

  PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a fat preferment. One of Heaven’s aristocracy. A gentleman of God.

  PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign’s right to do wrong.

  PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.

  PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

  PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

  PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.

  In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow’s tail; in New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black.

  PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, “He presided at the piccolo.”

  The Headliner, holding the copy in hand,

  Read with a solemn face:

  “The music was very uncommonly grand—

  The best that was every provided,

  For our townsman Brown presided

  At the organ with skill and grace.”

  The Headliner discontinued to read,

  And, spreading the paper down

  On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed:

  “Great playing by President Brown.”

  Orpheus Bowen.

  PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

  PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom—and of whom only—it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.

  If that’s an honor surely ’tis a greater

  To have been a simple and undamned spectator.

  Behold in me a man of mark and note

  Whom no elector e’er denied a vote!—

  An undiscredited, unhooted gent

  Who might, for all we know, be President

  By acclamation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer—

  I’m passing with a wide and open ear!

  Jonathan Fomry.

  PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar state.

  PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.

  PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead.

  PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that—

  “Stone walls do not a prison make,”

  but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden of sweets.

  PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal’s baton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope.

  PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.

  Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, absently: “When it is ajar,” and threw himself from a high promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of The Ladies’ Home Journal, is much respected for the purity and sweetness of his personal character.

  PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply—the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion.

  PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.

  PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.

  PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man’s brief rapacity and long indifference.

  PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one’s credibility for future delivery.

  PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden.

  Blow, bl
ow, ye spicy breezes—

  O’er Ceylon blow your breath,

  Where every prospect pleases,

  Save only that of death.

  Bishop Sheber.

  PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.

  PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor.

  PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics.

  PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.

  PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have added that.

  Q

  QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

  QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence.

  QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.

  He extracted from his quiver,

  Did this controversial Roman,

  An argument well fitted

  To the question as submitted,

  Then addressed it to the liver,

  Of the unpersuaded foeman.

  Oglum P. Boomp.

  QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman’s name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

  When ignorance from out our lives can banish

  Philology, ’tis folly to know Spanish.

  Juan Smith.

  QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.

  QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.

  Intent on making his quotation truer,

  He sought the page infallible of Brewer,

  Then made a solemn vow that he would be

  Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!

  Stumpo Gaker.

  QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another—usually about as many times as it can be got there.

  R

  RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabian fable—omnipotent on condition that it do nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, “soaring swine.”)

  RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem.

  RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.

  RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

  RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.

  RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick.

  RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.

  He held at court a rank so high

  That other noblemen asked why.

  “Because,” ’twas answered, “others lack

  His skill to scratch the royal back.”

  Aramis Jukes.

  RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.

  RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power.

  RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and that riz-de-veau à la financière is not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a she banker.

  RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect.

  RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect.

  RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.

  “Now lay your bet with mine, nor let

  These gamblers take your cash.”

  “Nay, this child makes no bet.” “Great snakes!

  How can you be so rash?”

  Bootle P. Gish.

  RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

  RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, Homo ventrambulans.

  RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to affirm his worth.

  REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.

  This is a truth, as old as the hills,

  That life and experience teach:

  The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,

  An impediment in his reach.

  G. J.

  READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in “dialect” and humor in slang.

  We know by one’s reading

  His learning and breeding;

  By what draws his laughter

  We know his Hereafter.

  Read nothing, laugh never—

  The Sphinx was less clever!

  Jupiter Muke.

  REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seen by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.

  REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

  REALLY, adv. Apparently.

  REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

  REASON, v. i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.

  REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.

  REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.

  REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.

  RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously known.

  RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.

  RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.

  RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded.

  RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue.

  RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait.

  Fresh from the farm or factory or street,

  His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,

  Were an impressive martial spectacle

  Except for two impediments—his feet.

  Thompson Johnson.

  RECTOR, n. In the Church of E
ngland, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two.

  REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

  We must awake Man’s spirit from its sin,

  And take some special measure for redeeming it;

  Though hard indeed the task to get it in

  Among the angels any way but teaming it,

  Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.

  I’m awkward at Redemption—a beginner:

  My method is to crucify the sinner.

  Golgo Brone.

  REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction.

  Among the Anglo-Saxons a subject conceiving himself wronged by the king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and it assured moderation in the plaintiff’s choice of a switch.

  RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red—at least not on the outside.

  REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; de trop.

  The Sultan said: “There’s evidence abundant

  To prove this unbelieving dog redundant.”

  To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive,

  Replied: “His head, at least, appears excessive.”

  Habeeb Suleiman.

  Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. —Theodore Roosevelt.

  REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.

  REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.