Desperate to feel more of him on her, she dragged his T-shirt up, and he stopped kissing her long enough to help its journey over his head.
Now his bronze chest, lit only by the moon and the lights from inside, was in touching, kissing distance, and she trailed one finger down the length of it, his abdominal muscles dancing as she moved her touch across them slowly.
“Markus,” she breathed, before placing both palms flat on his chest and kissing every scrap of him she could lay claim to.
“Slow, my darling, slow,” he whispered, and guided her back toward the couch. “I want to see you first.” His voice was graveled and strained.
As he stood before her, the moon shadowed by his tall frame, the promise of his body kicked deep and delicious goose bumps swept her from head to foot. Then he knelt down, and for a moment she was blinded by the brilliance of the moon.
And in that second, the warnings began again, whispering in her ears, chattering about consequences and regrets, but as she looked down at his ebony hair, his squared shoulders and bare, broad back, she felt the caress of his palm from her ankle, up the inside of her leg, and she drowned those whispers in a groan of her own.
“God, you’re gorgeous,” he whispered, before pulling her closer so their bodies melded, then easing her back onto the pillowy softness of the couch.
Warm sparks blossomed from her chest and moved rapid-fire out to the tips of her fingers and toes, and pulsed in her core.
“I can’t wait.” She barely managed to push the words out through parched lips. “I want to feel all of you.” Markus stepped back and wrenched his belt off, then in two simple flicks his buttons were undone and he was standing in his boxers.
She reached up and pulled him down to her. Squeezing her eyes closed, she fought back the tears that stung her lids. Bittersweet pleasure raked her body at the feeling of his skin against hers, his body joining with her own and the thousand kisses he was showering across her face. This was it, the moment she had so desperately wanted, and the moment that would bring an end to everything.
When they were spent, he whispered her name, and she could feel the tears begin to pinch the back of her nose but didn’t stop them.
She eased him back so he could see her face. Maybe if he could see how much this frightened her, he’d see what she’d failed to show him until now.
“Are you okay?” He said, a small frown marring his forehead.
“I’m fine,” she said as she eased him back and sat up. She crossed both arms around her body as if she could hold her organs together.
He knelt beside her and the night breeze suddenly became cool against her skin. “Liv, what’s wrong?”
“This,” she said in a strangled whisper. “What we’ve just done.”
“But you wanted to,” he said, tilted her chin so she had to look at him. “I could feel it in your body, in your response. Don’t say this was a mistake, Liv.”
She gazed up at him, sorrow dragging through her veins. “I wish it wasn’t,” she said softly. “I wish it wasn’t.”
“It’s not. How can it be when we both make each other feel like this?”
“We’ve always made each other feel like this, Markus, that’s never gone away, and that’s the problem, don’t you see? I don’t think I can stay here, Markus. If you want me this much and can’t truly have me, then nothing can work for us as a family. We’d be running on bitterness and regret, and the girls would see and feel that every day.
He smiled and it pierced her heart. “But this is like the story of the rocks, Liv. What we had before was an illusion, a false belief. What we have now is the real thing and we can’t fight it.”
She shrugged and looked straight in his eyes. “We can’t fight it, and we can’t ignore it and it’s going to lead us into the same mess we’ve been in before. I thought I could pretend it all away, that if I didn’t get close enough to you, we could move our relationship to a different level.”
“Don’t do this to me, Liv.”
“That’s just it, Markus. I don’t want to do this to you.” She sat up straighter. “I don’t want to do it to us, to the girls, but I know we can’t be together. We’ve hurt each other too much. This makes me question whether I might run out again. That’s no sort of environment to bring Phoebe and Zoë up in. And apart from all that, I don’t want to keep pushing you away. Every time you say you’ll wait for me, or that it’s only a matter of time, just reminds me that I could hurt you as much as I did before.”
“Then why did you make love to me?” The hurt in his voice made her heart squeeze. He stood up and walked toward the edge of the deck, and she followed.
“Because I put me and my needs first. Not yours. Not Phoebe’s and Zoë’s. I put my immediate needs before the future of all of us, and I can’t, and won’t, let that happen again.”
“You just need to have faith, Liv.” He scrubbed his hands through his hair. “Have faith that you and I have changed. That we won’t do to each other what we did before. That I won’t scare you and you won’t run out on me.”
“Faith’s not enough, Markus. I can’t gamble the security of two little girls on faith.”
“I’ll wait until you can.”
I’m hurting him all over again.
The thought wove itself so tight in Liv’s mind that she could feel the ache in her temples. He didn’t get it; he didn’t want to see what she’d been trying to warn him against all along.
How could she stay here when pushing him away would make him as devastated as he’d been before? God, if he truly didn’t see how much they could hurt each other, then they couldn’t be in the same town, let alone the same house.
“Stop this, Markus,” she said desperately. “Please stop doing this, because I don’t know where it will end. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that this pressure won’t make me run again.”
There, she’d said it, said the thing that had been buried so deep within her. Running was all she knew, all she’d done her whole life since she lost her parents. She had no faith that she wouldn’t do it again.
“It will end where we both want it to end,” he said swiftly. “Living and loving together as we should be.”
“No. If you can’t see how impossible it is for us ever to be together, then I’ll have to change my mind. I’ll have to say no to your proposal and take the girls back to Brentwood Bay as I’d always planned.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw, cutting the smooth surface of his skin.
“You have to promise you’ll stay away from me from now on, that this is the last time we’ll fall over the edge. If you can’t do that, then I’ll have no choice but to leave and take the girls with me.”
14
The next morning, Liv could feel something coiled within Markus, something he wanted to get off his chest, and the tight, concerned look on his face alarmed her. Was he about to agree with her ultimatum last night?
Her eyes burned from the tears she’d cried alone in her bed while her head thumped with anguish that they could never be together.
She wished with all her heart that what he’d said to her was true—that his love for her was born out of an understanding that she’d changed and that he wanted to be with her and that she wouldn’t run out on him and the girls when it all got too much—but still her doubts remained.
She couldn’t trust she wouldn’t take fright and leave like she’d done before, and that’s what cut to her core. Remove the doubt and indecision, the prospect of hurting him all over again when they were in too deep. She had get him to agree to give up his custody claim. Better she hurt him now than when the girls really knew what they’d be losing.
Every cell in her body tensed. “Markus, what is—”
“Get your shoes on, Liv. Petro has the girls. We’re going down to the rock.”
“But we . . . My robe . . .”
He held up a hand. “Please.”
He waited for her outside, and when she came to him, the look on his face
had softened, and the light in his eyes held a spark she’d seen when he’d touched her last night.
As he reached for her hand, she hesitated for a moment then shook the worry from her mind and slipped her hand into his. This was it. He’d realized what he surely must have known in his heart all along, that their time together had passed. That he could stop believing in her and promise to give up his dream that they’d be together.
When they reached the beach, the sun was rising in the sky. Warm pillows of air sat around Liv’s body and the briny smell of the sea invaded her senses.
Markus dropped her hand and turned to face her.
“It’s okay, Markus,” she said, her heart pounding.
Slowly he pushed his sunglasses up on his head, revealing the endless coffee eyes that still seemed to know her innermost thoughts. “I won’t let you leave, Liv,” he said. “I’ll do what it takes to make you stay.”
Naked relief flourished through her body. He’d realized that they could never be together and something inside her died at the thought.
“I realized something yesterday,” he said quietly but firmly.
He’d listened to her last night. He was going to agree that nothing more could happen between them. She was tempted to interrupt, to tell him she could understand how hard having her around while he tried to make a new life would be for him, but she wanted to hear it in his own words.
“Tell me,” she said.
He thrust his hands in both his pockets and Liv wondered for a crazy minute if he was nervous.
“I could never have believed this day would come,” he said. “A day when I felt as though what happened between you and me in the past was a blessing. But now I can see that what we went through in Paris has made us stronger people. It defined what’s most important for us and what we want in our lives.”
She bit her lip. “I don’t understand.”
“I know I said I’d wait until you came to me, but I’ve seen in the past few days that you’re not going to, and I think the reason is that you’re scared. You don’t believe I want you for you. But I do.”
“It’s not that I—”
“But.” He cut her off. “I will spend the rest of my life ensuring you’re never scared again.” And with those words, he pulled a box from his pocket and dropped to one knee.
Liv’s heart slammed against her backbone as blood drained from every organ in her body and the sand began to swim in front of her eyes. He was going to propose. Again. “We’ve already discussed this, Markus,” she whispered.
“When I asked you to marry me when you arrived, I asked out of doubt and cynicism.” He reached for her hand and then held her cool, limp fingers in his warm and sure grip. “That was wrong.”
She began to speak, but he squeezed her hand and she stopped.
“Liv, the love I had for you before has been superseded, trumped, expanded a thousand times, because now I can see who you truly are. All the doubts I had before, all the questions and the disappointment, have been answered in the way I’ve seen you with those beautiful girls since you arrived here. I should never have carried on taking all those risks when I knew how much it hurt you. You’ve shown me that, too.”
Even though she wanted to clamp her hands over her ears, block out the emotion that was pouring from him, she couldn’t deny the effect his words had on her shredded heart. Did he really mean this?
She blinked rapidly. “You’re not seeing clearly because you want a family unit for the girls. You’re putting all your faith in believing I won’t leave you again. Markus, I don’t know that I trust myself not to run like I always have.”
He began stroking his thumb across her trembling fingers. “I’d always believed you were too selfish in love, that you always wanted to put yourself first. Now I’ve seen how generous you can be, and how you’re prepared to put your happiness aside because you love Phoebe and Zoë so deeply. But it doesn’t have to be that way.”
Liv looked down at the velvet box in his strong fingers, knowing that when he opened it, when he pulled a ring from it as he surely would, she would disappoint him all over again. “But Markus—”
A smile broke across his face as his thumb stroked her fingers. “I’d like to do things properly this time, Liv. On my terms.”
He flicked the box open with his thumb, and there was the most beautiful diamond ring Liv had ever seen, winking and dazzling in the morning sunlight.
“I’ve had this for a while,” he said, the smile still tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Quite a few years in fact, and I never thought I’d get the chance to use it. But . . .” He let the box drop and placed the ring at the top of Liv’s fourth finger. “Liv, I love you with every part of myself. The part that knows what a wonderful, selfless partner you are. The part that gives thanks for the incredible mother you’ll be to Phoebe and Zoë. And the part that wants to give myself to you as lover, friend and husband. Liv, will you do me the greatest honor of marrying me?”
Words crouched paralyzed in her throat. He didn’t mean this. He was trusting her too much. And he didn’t see how impossible everything had become.
But his eyes. His eyes held more love, more sincerity than she’d ever seen. He’d accepted her completely, and the anguish of having to refuse him, having to deny being part of him, was almost too much to bear.
She dropped to her knees, hoping that by looking him in the eye he’d understand how deeply she meant this, how certain she was that there was no future for them as a real husband and wife. “Oh, Markus. Those words were just too beautiful, and you can’t imagine what they mean to me, that you feel I’ve changed, that you think I’ll be a good mother to the girls. But you must know that I can’t really marry you. Not in the way you mean.”
Instead of looking shocked or pulling back, Markus’s face lit with a smile. “You’re just scared, Liv. But there’s no need to be scared of anything anymore. I’m here to protect you and the girls forever, and you can give in to the feelings for me that I know you have.”
She had to make it clear to him, say everything in such a way that he’d know all of the reasons why they couldn’t be together. “I’m not scared about you, Markus, I’m realistic about me. I know that I’ve always run from things and I don’t trust that I won’t do it again and hurt three people this time.”
“You won’t, Liv.”
“You say that now, but just imagine if I said yes and we got married, really married, and something came between us. How do you know I wouldn’t run? The way I did when I was a kid, when we moved to Paris, when I left you there. . . I won’t put either of us, or the girls, in that position, Markus. Don’t you see that by doing this together, by bringing up the girls as friends, we can avoid all that, and we can be honest without emotion, or desire, or even love clouding our expectations as it did in the past?”
A frown began to dig into his forehead, and she wanted to pull him to her, to bury her head in his chest and breathe in the essence of this wonderful, beautiful man that she loved with all of her conflicted heart. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t comfort him in case she confused everything again, in case her treacherous emotions tangled once more.
They were both quiet for a moment, the hush-hush of the sea the only sound surrounding them. “Will it be too hard to have me around?” She squeezed the words out. “Does me saying no to you mean that you’d rather not do things as we’d planned? Would you rather I take the girls away so that you don’t have to be reminded about us every single day?”
“No.” His answer was so swift and immediate, like an exclamation point, it indicated there was no doubt in his mind.
The frown remained but Markus didn’t let her hand go, the ring still balanced at the end of her finger.
“Do you doubt that I really love you?” he said. “Do you think I’m only saying this so I’ll be certain you’ll stay here for the girls?”
“No, Markus, of course not. Not now.” Her insides crumbled as she realized she was telling the tru
th. “I’ve had my doubts about what your true feelings have been but not anymore. And it breaks my heart to think that everything is too late for us.”
His face relaxed and he threw her the most bone-melting smile. “I’ve tried not to love you again, Liv, but I can’t. If you tell me no now, I promise I’ll never talk like this again, will never push you or compromise anything between us. If you say you won’t marry me for love, then I’ll accept it. We can look forward now, never back.”
Blood pounded in Liv’s head as her rational self warred with the sweet, beating desire that was growing—the desire to throw caution to the wind and launch herself into his arms. She dropped her head, and he squeezed her hands once more. He wanted her as her, not just as the mother of the girls he’d fallen in love with.
“You don’t have to say it, Liv, I can see the answer in your body.”
Tears welled in her eyes and spilled over, but Liv willed every muscle in her body to co-operate so she could lift her head and look this wonderful man squarely in the eye. She wouldn’t be a coward any more.
Before she could say anything, he removed the ring from her finger and spoke again. “I’ll accept your decision, Liv, but I need you to know that I’ll never love anyone but you. You’ll be the only mother the girls will ever know, and when you fall in love and marry, you can be sure that I’ll still be here to be their dad. Whether you give them brothers or sisters or not, I know you’ll be here for them. I know the real you now.”
Every thought in Liv’s head came to a juddering halt.
He was speaking of her falling in love with someone else?
Her having children with another man, but he’d still be here for the girls?
A shiver began at the soles of her feet and worked its way like a tsunami over her skin. He knew she’d stay. She could see it in the set of his face and the confidence in his voice.
A Family for Good : A sweet, small town, second chance romance (Tall Dark and Driven Book 6) Page 17