by Kacey Shea
This isn’t the meeting I ever imagined for them.
“It’s Grandpa.” I smile through the ache in my heart. “Can you give him a hug and a kiss? Be gentle.”
Matthew leans forward, giving his grandfather a kiss on the arm. “Hug. Papa.” He glances at me before resting his head on my dad’s chest.
Emotion constricts my throat. Fullness expands in my heart. It’s bittersweet, but it’s real. “You’re such a good boy.” I smooth the hair back from my son’s face and memorize everything about this moment. His innocence. This simple perfect moment.
The door creaks open and I lift my gaze to find Simon enter.
“I thought I heard you get back.”
“Si-mon!” Matty scrambles off my lap and races across the room.
“Hey, mate!” Simon scoops him up. “Did you have fun today?”
“Mama! Truck!” Matthew’s eyes widen with alarm as he remembers the toy truck Chase gave him.
“Let’s go find it.” I stand from the chair, lean over and give my father a hug. “Love you, Daddy.” I swear he meets my gaze. That he knows me and how much I love him. Hope steals my breath, but it’s over too soon. His unfocused stare, the slack in his jaw are back in place.
Theresa comes back into the room before we all leave. “Did you have a nice visit?”
“It was perfect.” I nod, wiping away the evidence of my tears. I’m not embarrassed by them, or to cry in front of her. She’s witnessed all my emotions over the phone. “Thank you. For always taking such good care of my dad.”
“Of course.” She nods, her smile tender.
I move into the hallway where Matty grows impatient, squirming and kicking to get down from Simon’s embrace. “Mama! Truck!”
“Yes. We’ll get it,” I reassure him, then look at Simon. “Chase bought him a toy from the museum gift shop.”
“I take it, it’s a truck,” Simon deadpans, setting Matty down and holding his hand as we walk down the hall.
“Now, where did you get that idea?” I snicker and roll my eyes.
“But it went well?” Simon touches my arm, his gaze full of worry.
“Yeah.” I nod. “Better than I thought.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah.” But somehow it doesn’t quite feel that way. In the entry, my purse sits next to the car seat. I open it and retrieve the toy.
“Truck!” Matthew swipes it from my hands, drops to the ground, and starts driving it across my mother’s pristine hardwood floors. I cringe, hoping she doesn’t come out and find us. Yes, I’m a grown woman who’s still scared of her mother’s wrath.
“Mama!” He stops and looks up at me with his big brown eyes. “Dig?”
Good call. “Yes. That would be a good outside toy.”
Matty takes off for the back door at my suggestion.
I take a step to follow when my purse dings with the alert of a text notification, my cell lost somewhere in its depths.
“I’ve got him.” Simon laughs. “Join us when you’re ready.”
“Thanks.” I nod, my shoulders still tight with tension from the stress of today. Picking up my bag, I scrounge around until my fingers wrap around my phone. My breath catches when I read the message.
Chase: Thank you again for today.
I swallow hard, taking a moment before I respond. There’s something painful about him thanking me. It feels backward somehow.
Me: You’re really good with him.
It takes a few minutes for his next text to come, the bubbles disappearing and reappearing while I wait anxiously for his response.
Chase: I wish I could have been there for him. For you both.
All these years I’ve stayed away. I’d been holding on to the hope that I was doing the right thing for my son. I kept him away from Chase—for both of us. Because Matthew deserved a life without an alcoholic father. He deserved to have a sober mother. I cut off relationships for my son’s safety. It wasn’t only Chase I stayed away from. It was Callie and Jill too. I knew my distance hurt them, as much if not more than it did me. But it was worth it.
Or so I thought.
In my mind, Chase was a man who would have brought me down. His struggle with sobriety would have been my downfall. A co-dependent relationship would have been our demise.
Now I’m not so sure.
Everything I thought I knew, the hard truths, they’re built on a foundation of sand.
Chase isn’t struggling. He’s not screwed up. His life isn’t a mess.
Quite the opposite. He’s in a committed relationship. He’s sober and happy. Working and part of the community. He spends his freaking free time helping at-risk teens. And God, does he look good. Age has only heightened his features. The laugh lines around his eyes. The short beard along his jawline.
He could have been mine.
We could have been a family.
I didn’t have to give up my best friends to save my son.
I threw away everything for nothing.
Guilt presses on my chest, the ability to breathe freely temporarily suspended by this train of thought. I’m a horrible person. A horrible mother. Oh, God. What have I done? How can I even try to make up for this? For keeping my son from his father. For not giving Chase the opportunity to step up and be there. He’s missed so much—all moments I stole from him. How will he ever forgive me? Can I even forgive myself?
There’s something I need to do, a small offering in the face of what I denied him.
Me: Can we meet tonight? I can come to you.
Chase: I’ll be at the teen center from six to ten.
Me: I’ll be there.
I head outside to join Simon and watch my son, but my thoughts are filled with apprehension. Tucked inside my suitcase is a small package I brought just in case. It won’t fix things or make up for the years, but it’s all I can offer and hopefully it’s enough.
22
Alicia
One and a half years ago
Dear Chase,
Today was a hard day. It should have been one filled with joy and celebration. I should be overjoyed. Proud even, after the year I survived. Our son turned one today! It’s a big milestone.
I’m not close with anyone here and I didn’t feel like throwing a party for less than five people. It’s not as if he’s going to know; he’s only one. So I bought a cake, one of those smash cakes. I know, it’s ridiculous to pay for something he was only going to ruin. But honestly, it was worth it. His face and hands covered in frosting—it was the only time I smiled all day.
Because all I could think about was you.
No, that’s not entirely true. I thought about drinking too. Fantasized about how the liquor would taste. Even now, my veins buzz with a longing I can’t seem to shut off. A drink would feel so good right now. It would help this day get better. It would help me forget.
But that’s a lie. It wouldn’t help at all. It would ruin everything. And I’ve been sober for two and a half years. Yeah, it sounds impressive even to myself.
I was made to live. Not to merely exist. And I have so much to live for.
But sometimes, especially on days like today, I wonder . . . how you are. Did I make the right choice? Should I call you? Tell you? You deserve to meet your son.
But I’m terrified, Chase. Because I know how much I’m struggling to stay sober and I have everything to lose. I keep remembering how easily you slipped up after the hurricane, and how I was completely blindsided.
Before that, I thought together we were above our addiction. Stronger. Invincible. That’s what your love made me believe. I see the absurdity of it now. I was naïve to think we could outsmart our weakness. And I wonder, if I’d been more careful with my heart, would we have been better off?
Sometimes I think we would have. But I can’t regret you, because you gave me the greatest gift of my life. I don’t know when or if I’ll give you this letter, but I want you to know there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I come h
ome to a reminder each day. I hope he gets the best parts of us. Your killer smiles. Tenacity and resilience. A kind soul. I never want him to know addiction, which is why I have to stay away.
I know myself too well. If I saw you, if you wrapped me in your arms, I’d believe anything is possible again. I’d risk my sobriety and our son’s life to be with you, I know I would. I don’t know if that makes me self-aware or pathetic. I hope one day you’ll understand. I pray you’re doing well. Finding joy. Staying sober. I wish nothing but the best for you, including love, even if it hurts to know it won’t be with me.
Alicia
As soon as I sign my name the tears come, silent sobs shaking my entire body. I fold the letter and set it on top of the others, then close the lid on the small keepsake box. I don’t know why I write to him. I’m not going to send them. But a piece of me, a foolish piece, still holds out hope. For what exactly, I don’t know.
Chase and I aren’t getting a second chance. There will be no happily ever after. Not when he finds out about Matthew. Which is why I have to stay away. There are some things in life that are unforgiveable. I’ve made my choices. I did what I had to do to protect our son. But I’ll never find peace in it, and maybe that’s the saddest part of it all.
23
Chase
Present Day
When Alicia texted, asking to see me so soon after dropping her and Matthew back at her parents’, I was intrigued. Distracted. Obsessed. It’s all I can think about. It’s why I burned the popcorn—a big fail on my part because the kitchen still smells bad. Even the teens notice my lack of presence, which is really saying something since they tend to be self-absorbed most of the time. I’m thankful for the movie playing, because I don’t think I can handle anything requiring my full attention.
My knee bounces as the minutes tick by painfully slowly. My phone is in my hand in case she texts or calls. I check the clock to see only five minutes have passed since the last time I looked. Fuck. What’s taking her so long? Surely she won’t make me wait all night.
God, help me. I’ve turned into an angst-ridden teenager.
If I’m honest, I haven’t stopped thinking of her all week. Not since I found out she was coming to the wedding, and that was before I found out she had my child. Fuck. It’s only been a few days, but she’s changed everything.
My phone buzzes in my hands.
Alicia: I’m here. Should I come in?
“Hey, Ronny.” I tap the shoulder of the teen sitting to my right. “Hold everything down for me? I’ll just be a minute.” I nod to the front entrance.
“Sure thing, man.” He nods, his chest puffing with the responsibility I just gave him.
Thankfully, it’s a chill crowd tonight and everyone’s fairly interested in the movie. I don’t feel bad leaving them alone for a few minutes. Outside, Alicia waits next to a parked vehicle. She walks over to meet me along the curb of the sidewalk. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I rub my arms against the chill of the night air. I should’ve grabbed a hoodie before coming out.
“Sorry, I won’t keep you long.” She won’t meet my stare. “I know you’re busy.”
“It’s fine.” I shrug. “I’m mostly here to make sure there’s no make-out sessions or fights on my watch.”
“Right.” She swallows hard.
As the silence stretches between us, I search for a reason she’d need to see me tonight, but come up empty. “Is everything okay?”
She shakes her head in the negative, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. “I, um. I need to show you something. I should’ve given these to you before.” I notice the small package in her hands. “I should’ve mailed them before I lost my nerve. I’m sorry I didn’t. I want— No, I need you to understand it wasn’t malicious, not telling you about Matthew. It was always about keeping him safe. I deeply regret that now, especially after today.” She holds out the bundle, her chin quivering as she meets my gaze. “I don’t expect forgiveness or absolution. I’m sorry, Chase. What I did was wrong, and I hope you can learn not to hate me.”
I could never hate her. She doesn’t get it. But I’m so angry she kept Matthew away. So confused. The unfairness of it all keeps me from saying anything as I accept her gift. I start to unwrap the binding of what appears to be a stack of letters.
“No.” She reaches out, her fingertips resting on my hand. The touch of her skin shoots a bolt of desire through my body. I pull back, surprised by the visceral reaction. It shouldn’t be this way. She shouldn’t have this kind of control over my body—or my heart—after so many years. Not after what she did.
Lifting my gaze to hers, I find her eyes full of torment, and I wonder if a war rages in her the same it does with me.
“Read them after I’m gone.” She opens her mouth as if to say more, but the creak of an opening door stops her.
“Chase,” Ronny calls. “Mario is raiding the snack room again.”
“I’ll be right in,” I say, then turn back to Alicia. “I should probably . . .” I hike a thumb toward the door.
“Right. I need to get back anyway.” She attempts a smile but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’ll see you at the wedding on Saturday?”
“Yeah,” I say, wishing things were different. Wanting to ask her to stay. But what good would that do? The weight of her betrayal settles between us and I reach for that anger. I reach for pain. I stand there and watch her walk away, my fingers curling around the small package.
“Chase,” Ronny says from the door. “He’s filling his backpack.”
“I said I’m coming.” I try to keep the annoyance from my voice. It’s not directed at him or even Mario for his klepto tendencies. No, it’s all for the woman I can’t seem to get over, and how in a matter of days she’s turned my life upside down. She’ll do it again when she heads back to London.
It’s for the nagging feeling that pushing her away feels wrong.
I twist the package of letters over in my hands, not sure whether she meant for me to read them tonight or after she returns to London. Either way, I can’t do it now. Stepping inside, I drop them on the counter so I won’t be tempted to open them until I’ve locked up for the night. Somehow, I know what’s inside contains the power of a bomb, enough to detonate and shatter what remains of the shield protecting my heart.
24
Alicia
I don’t hear from Chase at all on Friday.
Not that I should. He didn’t promise or give any indication he would reach out before the wedding. Still. I consider texting him. Twice I almost pick up the phone and call him. Each time I’m tempted to reach out, I remind myself he deserves space. I don’t know how he doesn’t hate me after what I’ve done. My actions are inexcusable. Even if I did what I thought was best, it doesn’t make it right.
As much as it shouldn’t matter, I crave his forgiveness. Which is why I’m dying to know if he read my letters. Did they help in any way to find peace with my decision, or did I only make it worse?
I attempt to keep busy but the hours drag. Spending time with Matthew is a given, but nothing holds my attention. Chase takes up all the space in my head to the point I feel crazy. I can’t stop replaying the past. Conversations. Working together at the community center. Long nights wrapped in each other’s arms.
God, I miss sex.
No, I miss sex with Chase.
It was always so good with us.
I wonder what it would be like now. Would his touch set my skin on fire? Would the energy between us combust into an insatiable desire? I bet it’d be even better. Closing my eyes, I picture all the ways we fit together. Fuck. I have no business fantasizing about someone else’s man. But that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Which only adds to my irritation. All the work I’ve done to forget him is seemingly erased and I’ve only been back a few days. How will I feel when it’s time to fly back to London?
My stomach twists with apprehension. By the time I’m dressed for Jill’s bachelorette party, my an
xiety is in a permanent state of residence. In addition to everything, I’m nervous about hanging out with Jill and Callie. There will be drinking, I’m almost certain since there’s karaoke involved. I’m not sure which is more nerve-racking, singing in front of strangers stone cold sober or a girls’ night out with women who are practically strangers. It’ll be a miracle if I get through this night.
“Damn,” Simon says, leaning against the open doorway to my bedroom. He sets Matthew down, and looks up and down my body in a long perusal. “Hot mum alert.”
“Stop.” I roll my eyes and fiddle with the strap of my dress before turning to check my reflection in the full-length mirror. Okay, he’s got a point. I have to admit I feel good in this little black dress, even if my body isn’t what it used to be. Thanks to the constricting shapewear, my curves are contoured to perfection.
“Oh, come on.” Simon catches my stare in the mirror’s reflection. “You know you look amazing.”
“Makeup does wonders for the permanent circles under my eyes.” I pick up my clutch and add my ID, credit cards, and cash.
“Is there a reason you didn’t sleep well? Because I noticed how you snuck out for a little bit last night.” He waggles his brows suggestively. “Is there something you want to confess, Miss Martin?”
I wish. “Believe me, it was nothing good.”
“Then you deserve a night out.” He sits on the floor next to Matthew.
“I don’t have to go.” Guilt presses on my already rattled nerves when I consider how many times I’ve left Simon to take care of Matthew in the past few days. “You probably are dying for a night off.”
“Alicia. I came here to watch Matthew and help run interference. I don’t expect nights off. Besides, what would I do?” He chuckles. “Where would I even go? I don’t know anyone other than you.”
I feel worse. Simon might not have a problem with it, but I should have taken a few days this week to show him around. Virginia is a beautiful state and instead he’s been on full-time sitter mode. “After the wedding we’ll do some sightseeing.”