by Kacey Shea
“Lovely.”
“Okay, then. I should probably get going.” I walk over to Matty and press a kiss to the top of his head. “Bye, sweet boy. Have fun with Simon.” I smile when he barely acknowledges my departure, more focused on his toys.
“Have fun tonight.” Simon smiles.
“Fun? What’s that?” I let loose a shaky laugh and slide my feet into a pair of heels. The anxiety that’s been haunting me all day flares up. “Jesus.” I shake out my hands trying to rid my body of the tension. “Why am I so nervous?”
“Maybe you’re allergic to fun?”
I shoot Simon a glare.
He holds up his hands. “Hey, just saying.”
I take one of the throw pillows from my bed and chuck it at him.
He catches it, laughing. “Don’t overthink this. They’re your friends, right? Maybe tonight’s exactly what you all need.”
God, I hope he’s right.
“Alicia!” Callie shouts when I enter the private room inside the restaurant. She wraps me in a tight hug. “You made it!”
“Am I late?” I say, glancing around. I thought dinner started at six, but maybe I got the time wrong. The room is packed with a dozen women mingling and laughing with drinks in hand.
“Oh, no, you’re good. A few of us decided to meet up for an early happy hour.” Callie winces. “Sorry, I wasn’t sure if I should text you or not.”
“No, it’s fine.” I should be grateful for her consideration. One of the most supportive things Callie and Jill did early in my sobriety was go out of their way to plan outings where we could have fun without alcohol. I think it’s why we didn’t lose touch. At least, until I realized I was pregnant.
“Here. Let me introduce you to everyone!” Callie pulls me into the room to meet all the guests. They’re all friendly, if not a little tipsy. Most are co-workers of Jill’s and a few are wives and girlfriends of Cam’s firefighter buddies. I don’t recognize anyone. It’s another reminder of how long I’ve been away, and how everyone has moved on without me.
“You came!” Jill greets me with an enthusiastic embrace.
“I wouldn’t miss this.” I say as if I wasn’t considering staying home.
She steps back, taking in my appearance. “Fuck.” She shakes her head, blinking back at me. “I still can’t believe you’re here. I wasn’t sure whether you’d bail tonight.”
Her lack of faith stings, even if it is warranted.
“Jill!” a woman calls, waving her across the room.
“Sorry, I’ve got to . . .” Jill glances over my shoulder at the woman waving her over.
“Go! We’ll catch up later.” I smile and move to the side.
“Ladies!” Callie shouts above the chatter of multiple conversations. “Real quick!” She waves her hands until everyone quiets down. “So, I just want to thank you all for coming out tonight to celebrate Jill’s last night as a single lady.”
There’s a cheer of hoots and hollers.
Jill rolls her eyes, but there’s a smile on her lips.
“Some of us, including Cam, never thought this momentous day would happen.” Callie earns a few laughs. “Jill, you are one of the most level-headed, fiercely smart, and generous people I know. You deserve every bit of happiness life offers and I can’t wait to stand by your side tomorrow when you marry your best friend.” She lifts her drink. “But tonight, we party. For Jill!”
Everyone raises their glasses. A few cheer. Someone shouts, “Our badass lady boss!”
Jill fidgets under the attention, but her smile is full of appreciation.
Callie grins. “Okay, now sit down because I think we all need to eat and I don’t want to miss our reservation at the karaoke bar!”
There’s one long table set up for our party. I hang back, not sure where to sit and feeling a little out of place. I’m the odd friend out since I only know Jill and Callie. They sit at the head of the table and soon there are only two empty seats left near the middle. I slide into one, smiling politely at the woman seated across from me, wishing I remembered her name.
“Can I get you something to drink?” a server asks.
“Just a water, thanks.”
“Pacing yourself.” The woman at my left nods. “Smart.”
I open my mouth to respond, but a commotion near the entry draws my attention.
“Julia! You made it!” Jill jumps from her seat and rushes over to pull Chase’s girlfriend in for a warm embrace. Jealousy, ugly and visceral, roars in my chest. Their close friendship shouldn’t bother me, but it feels as though I’ve been replaced by a nicer, better, less baggage toting version. This woman doesn’t only have my man. She has my friends too.
All too late, I realize she’s bound to take the only open seat at the table—the one at my right. Shoving my insecurities aside, I paste what I hope is a friendly smile on my face.
“Hi!” Julia beams as she slides into her chair. “Alicia, right?”
“Yeah.” Despite how I feel, my mother raised me to always be polite. I glance over to find Jill staring, her expression not very pleasant. I look away and focus my attention back to Chase’s girlfriend. “Nice to see you again.”
“You, too.” Julia picks up two of the menus, handing me one. “Jill’s told me so much about your college escapades, I feel as if we’re already best friends.”
Oh, that’s never going to happen. I laugh at her friendly comment, but inside I’m cold as stone. I want to find fault with this woman so I can feel justified in my distaste for her, but so far all I have to blame is my own envious nature. “So, you and Chase?” I ask, pretending to scan the menu with interest.
“Yeah.” Julia touches the menu to her chest and exhales a gentle sigh. “He’s great.”
I know.
“Drink up!” someone shouts from the head of the table, handing Jill and a few others several shots. I try not to gawk, but I can’t help myself. Jill throws back two as if they’re water. She catches me staring before I have the chance to look away.
“So, how did the two of you meet?” I ask Julia, apparently on a mission to torture myself.
“Oh, I serve on an advisory committee for the county and he was working on a few grant proposals for the teen center. We kept running into each other at meetings, and hell, you’ve seen the man.” Her smile widens. “I was smitten from the start. Hearing him talk about his passion project and serving at risk youth”—she sighs and fans her face—“I had to ask him out. I mean, I’d be a fool to not try.”
And I was a fool to leave. “I take it he said yes.”
“Yeah, well.” She laughs rolling her eyes. “He didn’t know it was a date, which made it really awkward when I showed up looking my best self—full hair, makeup, the works, you know? And he walked into the restaurant carrying his laptop with a presentation prepared. I mean, it’s funny now. Makes for a great story, but I’m not gonna lie, that was a hit to the ego.”
“Oh, yeah, I can imagine.”
“It’s water under the bridge. I mean, now that we’re planning to get a place together when my lease is up, I think we’re good.” Her laughter sends tiny little daggers straight through my heart. “Fingers crossed it won’t be too long before it’s my turn to walk down the aisle.”
I don’t know what my face does, but my insides feel as if they’ve been pummeled. Even though we’re sitting down, I can’t catch my breath. Chase and Julia are moving in together? I think I might be sick.
“Here’s your water, ma’am.” I’m saved by the server as he reaches between us, then turns to Julia. “And what can I get you to drink?”
“I’ll have a glass of the Cabernet Sauvignon.”
“Perfect choice.” He nods his head, then leaves the room.
“What’s everyone getting?” Jill asks from the head of the table.
“It all looks so good,” Callie gushes. “Oh! Let’s get a bunch of appetizers to share. Unless you’d rather we each get our own items?”
“No, I’m good w
ith that.” Jill lifts a glass of beer to her lips, but before she takes a drink she finds my gaze. “Alicia, is that okay with you?”
“Of course.” I glance around, a little taken aback she’s only addressed me when there are ten others at the table. “You know I love everything.”
“I wasn’t sure. I feel like I don’t know anything about you now.” She’s smiling, but the snark in her tone catches me off-guard.
“Jill,” Callie warns.
“What?” Jill shrugs, her words slurring slightly. “I’m just being honest.”
The conversations around the table quiet and I feel the heat of their gazes.
“We’ve been drinking all day.” Callie meets my stare. “She doesn’t mean it.”
Jill’s smile disappears and a hard scowl takes its place. “Don’t apologize for me.”
I already feel out of place. I don’t belong. Not really. It was silly to think we could pretend the last three years never happened. I wish I could make things right, but now is not that time. I don’t want to ruin her night. “Maybe I should go.”
“No.” Callie frowns, pushing her chair back from the table and shoving to her feet. “Can you ladies give us a minute?” Her smile is forced. “Jill, Alicia? Can I see you in the ladies’ room?”
I wait for Jill to stand first, then follow behind as Callie leads us out of the room. This feels like a walk to the principal’s office—no, worse, really. My cheeks are hot with embarrassment, but I hold my head high.
Callie stalks into the restroom, checking the stalls before turning on us. “Okay, whatever the hell that was can’t happen tonight.”
Jill crosses her arms over her chest, lifting her chin in defiance. “I’m just trying to enjoy my party.”
“I’ll just go.” I swallow back the urge to cry.
“No.” Callie shakes her head, then pins Jill with a glare. “Okay, Loose Lips, now’s your chance. Air all the dirty laundry so we can enjoy this night without any bullshit drama.”
Jill’s jaw ticks and her heel taps the tile floor. She heaves out a sigh before turning to meet my stare. “You stopped returning my calls.”
Shame washes over me. “I know.”
Her hand goes to her hip. “Why?”
Defensiveness prickles up my spine. I know I hurt her, but fuck, it’s not like I didn’t suffer too. “I was alone and pregnant in a foreign country. I was dealing with a few things.”
“No, that’s bullshit.” Jill shakes her head. “You know I’d have been on the first plane to help you if you told me. I get that you were scared. I get that it was hard, but what I don’t get is why you cut us out.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“But it is.” Jill throws up her hands. “Damn it, Alicia. You were my best fucking friend. I would have stood by your side for anything. Whether you wanted an abortion, or to give him up for adoption, or to keep him. You know I would’ve done anything for you.” Her voice cracks, her eyes sad. “But you pushed us away and we deserve to know why.”
Callie touches Jill’s shoulder. “Maybe we should go back inside to the party.”
“No, I want answers.” Jill shakes off her touch, stepping forward with challenge in her stare. “Explain it to me. What was so damn important about keeping your baby a secret? What didn’t you want us to know?”
She’s too fucking perceptive.
And I’m exhausted from keeping this secret.
“Because you know his father,” I whisper.
Jill’s brow furrows. “Simon? We just met.”
“No.” I shake my head, emotion clogging my throat. A few tears spill from my lashes. I don’t know how she and Callie are going to take this. Or if it even matters anymore. “Chase.”
Callie’s mouth falls open with a strangled gasp.
Jill stares, her gaze unwavering even as she blinks. The heat of their judgment settles on my shoulders, and I wish I could take back the words. It’s not as if they’re going to change things. I made my choices. I left and cut everyone out. If I had known the choices Chase was making with his life, maybe it would have changed things, but hindsight is twenty-twenty. It does nothing for me now. The truth only serves to hurt the people I care about.
“You’re fucking joking?” Jill practically shouts.
“Jill.” Callie admonishes.
“It’s not a joke.” I lift my chin, refusing to display one ounce of shame now that the secret’s out. “Chase and I were together, before I left. Down in Kitty Hawk.”
“Like fuck buddies?” Jill’s face scrunches with disbelief. “Or more?”
Oh, it was more than a casual hookup. I’d been fooling myself to remember it as anything else. “More. A lot more.” I glance at Callie. “I’m sorry.”
“And you were never going to tell us?” Jill shakes her head, pacing the small restroom. “Jesus, Alicia, does he know Matthew is his?”
“He knows now.” I wring my hands together as I exhale a long breath. “Look, I’m sorry. I know I fucked up. I wish things were different, or that I was stronger—but I won’t apologize for doing the best I could by my son. I didn’t know if Chase was sober and I couldn’t chance,” I wring my hands together. “I couldn’t have my child around that.”
“I wish you had told us.” Callie wraps her arms around herself.
Jill stops walking. “You know we would have been there if you did, right?”
“I wanted to. Fuck, I picked up the phone a thousand times. But I wouldn’t ask you to keep that from Cam, and after our history and how much he hurt Callie. I knew you wouldn’t approve, and I understood. But I also wasn’t ready to take the chance that Chase would find out.” I bite at my lip, wishing I could make them understand. “I needed time. I thought he was still drinking. I needed to be stronger.”
Callie narrows her gaze, her features thoughtful. “Because you loved him.”
I’m not sure I ever stopped. “Yeah.” I nod. “I’m sorry. I know what he did to you. And how much he came between us before. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Oh, Alicia.” Callie steps forward, her arms wrapping around my shoulders and pulling me close. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
Tears leak from my eyes, emotion filling my lungs. Of all the possible reactions, I never expected her compassion. “You didn’t know.”
“I should’ve fought harder.” She hugs me tighter, her hand rubbing my back. “You had a baby. On your own. You’re so brave.”
“I don’t feel brave.” I sniffle, holding back sobs. “I feel stupid.”
“Hey.” She pulls back and finds my gaze. “You did the best with what you knew then.”
I nod, my stare moving to find Jill.
Her glare is gone and I can only hope she doesn’t hate me.
“Jilly?” I ask.
Her shoulders fall, her eyes forlorn. “I’m sad I missed the last three years. With you. With Matthew.”
My heart squeezes. It takes everything not to sob in relief.
“Come here.” Callie opens her arms. She pulls me in first and soon Jill joins us. Their forgiveness floods my soul. Tears pour unapologetically. We stay huddled together, holding tight as if letting go might release this restored connection.
These women have saved me time and time again. “Best bitches,” I say, laughing through my tears.
“God, it feels good to have you back,” Callie says.
Jill pulls back, sniffling before she swipes at the moisture beneath her eyes. “Come on, no more tears.”
I glance in the mirror behind us. “I need to fix my face.”
“I think we all do.” Callie grabs a few tissues and we get to work, wiping away the evidence of our emotional reunion. “We should get back in there. Everyone is probably starving.”
“Oh, shit. Julia.” Jill winces. “Does she know?”
“My guess is no based on how nice she was to me.” I’m embarrassed to admit how jealous I am of her.
“We are not saying anything.” Jill
shoots Callie and me a warning glare. “That’s on Chase.”
“I wasn’t going to.” I hold up my hands.
“And I’m not doing his dirty work.” Callie shrugs. “Let’s worry about all that another day. Tonight’s about having fun and partying with my girls.”
Now, that’s something we all agree on.
25
Chase
The crowd at O’Malley’s is rowdy and loud. Our party fits right in from the second we walk into the bar. I chat with guys from other stations as I keep an eye on my brother. His crew feeds him shots and beers with no regard to the fact he has to walk down the aisle in less than twenty-four hours. Almost as if it’s a game to get him as wasted as possible, and these people are his friends. Shit. A few years ago I would have been one of those guys.
I keep a tally in my head, gauging Cam’s limit from all the years we partied together. It seems a lifetime ago. Part of me misses the comradery and silliness that comes from letting loose with the guys. But I’m not tempted to drink.
No, if anything, their obnoxious behavior only confirms my choice to stay sober. The energy in the bar brings back haunting ghosts from the night I decided to drive intoxicated—a choice that resulted in paralyzing Maverick.
I’m happy to sip my water and laugh at these idiots, and when it’s time to leave I’ll make sure each and every one doesn’t get behind the wheel.
“Hey, Chase?” The bar manager I worked with to plan tonight’s party calls me out, and hikes his thumb toward the stairwell that leads up to the private rooftop patio. “We’ve got you all set up.”
“Thanks, man. I’ll round up these animals.”
“You sure I can’t get you something to drink?” he offers.
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Cool. Let me know if you need anything else.”
“Patio time,” I call out, waving toward the stairwell. When the guys don’t move from the bar, I hold up the box of cigars to get their attention. That does the trick. I shake my head, laughing as they follow me up the stairs. They really are like herding animals. Though, in hindsight, the stairs are a bad idea. Getting everyone back down is going to be an experience.