by Kacey Shea
Ricky: Alicia. Please. Text me back.
Eddie: We need you, sis. Please. Call us back.
Simon: I have Matthew. We’re at the house.
Simon: Call your brothers ASAP.
With my heart in my throat, I tap on Ricky’s number. It goes straight to voicemail. Nerves rattle my chest and my gut churns with anxiety. I call Eddie next but his does the same. Where the hell are they? After all these texts, I expect someone to pick up. I try them again before giving up to call Simon.
The ringing passes painfully slowly. Dread begins to build. Something is terribly wrong. “Pick up, damn it. Pick up,” I mutter to myself, but he doesn’t. Tears fill my eyes as frustration builds. I blink them away, forcing myself to exhale so I don’t pass out.
The line connects to his voicemail. “Hello, this is Simon. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you soon. Cheers!” His cheerful voice is in complete contrast to my emotions.
“Simon,” I say after the beep. “Please call me and tell me what’s going on.” Deep down in my gut I know whatever it is must be bad. “I didn’t hear my phone but I’m up now. Call me.” I end the call, but before I can decide what to do next it rings in my hands. It’s him. “Simon!”
“Hey, sorry, I was getting Matthew dressed.” He sounds out of breath.
“What’s going on?”
“You aren’t with your brothers yet?” The alarm in his tone sends my pulse racing.
I press a hand to my chest. “Simon, you’re scaring me.”
“Everyone is at the hospital.”
Chase wanders out of his bedroom, his brow knit with concern as his gaze finds mine.
“Alicia, it’s your father,” Simon says.
No. “What happened?” Panic sends my thoughts in overdrive. I meant to stop by Daddy’s room yesterday, but I didn’t. He was fine two days ago.
“His nurse called an ambulance earlier this morning. I’m sorry, I don’t know the specifics. Eddie came to get your mom soon after. Alicia, you need to call your brothers.”
“They won’t pick up.” I can’t believe I missed their calls and texts. “Which hospital?”
“I wrote it down. One second.” There’s a shuffle and then nothing but long, dragging seconds while I wait for him to return. “Matthew. Don’t touch that, buddy.” Rustling scatters static through the line.
Matthew babbles, but he’s too far away from the phone to make out his words. The ache in my chest grows with the urge to hold my son, to soothe my fears and seek reassurance. But I can’t because I’m here. At Chase’s home instead of where I should be. God, I’m a selfish, horrible person.
“Alicia?” Simon interrupts.
“Yes.”
“They’re at Mercy. I don’t know what floor or room.”
“Okay.” My entire body shakes. My chest feels tight.
“Keep me posted. Okay?”
I think I might throw up. “Okay.”
“I’ve got Matthew and we’re fine here. Don’t worry about us. Just go be with your family.”
“Okay.” I barely get the word out before a sob breaks free. The phone falls from my hand, clattering as it tumbles to the floor.
“Alicia.” Chase rushes to my side. His arms wrap around my shoulders, but they’re suffocating.
I push at his chest. “I have to go.” I scoot back, needing space. Unable to think. “I have to . . .” God, I don’t even know. “Fuck. I need a car. I need to—”
“Alicia.” Chase drops to his knees, his eyes finding mine. “Breathe, baby.” He inhales and exhales audibly until I join him. “What’s going on?”
“It’s my dad.” The churning in my stomach rolls, bubbling up my throat. Shoving off the couch, I race to the bathroom, barely lifting the seat of the toilet before the contents of my stomach splash into the bowl. Tears fill my eyes. My nostrils sting.
“Hey.” Chase is by my side, pulling my hair back from my face as I dry heave and cry into his toilet. “I’m here, okay? I’m not going anywhere.” He rubs between my shoulder blades. His concern only makes me sob harder. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” He reaches under the sink and finds a cloth to wet when I finally sit back. There’s nothing left in my stomach to expel, but my tears flow freely. He wipes at my face with a tenderness I don’t deserve. “What do you need?” His patience and calm are a lifeline.
“The hospital.” Panic and fear grip my body. I’m not ready to face what lies ahead, but I don’t think I have a choice. “Take me to Mercy.”
35
Alicia
Chase finds me clean clothes and a pair of shoes to wear while I clean myself up. I am sure they belong to Julia, but I try not to think about that. I try not to think at all, steeling myself for the possibilities of what waits for us at the hospital.
I text and call my brothers but neither picks up. We check the emergency waiting room but come up short. I can barely speak and my voice shakes as we speak with the receptionist. She can’t give us any information, but suggests checking the ICU next.
“Come on.” Chase guides me to the elevator, his hand resting at the small of my back. I’m too tired to pull away. I avoid eye contact with the other people who board and count back from ten with each breath, to focus on something besides the clawing anxiety destroying my nerves.
The doors open on our floor and I step out, relief flooding me at the sight of my mom and brothers.
“Alicia.” Ricky spots me first.
I rush forward to meet him.
Mom’s chin snaps up from where she’s slumped into a chair. “Look who finally made it.” Her words slur together and her eyes are bloodshot from more than crying. She pushes to her feet, nearly stumbling. “My darling daughter, everyone,” she calls out loudly.
The cruelty of her words stops me in my tracks.
“Mom.” Eddie moves to her side.
“Don’t touch me,” she warns, then points a finger in my direction. “You should have been here. You ungrateful, spoiled child!” Her words shouldn’t have the power to hurt me. I know too well they’re only fueled by a substance. Still, they hit where I’m vulnerable. Logically, I understand Dad isn’t here because of anything I did or failed to do, but guilt for not being home when he needed me causes the breath to leave my lungs.
Ricky flashes me an apologetic glance. There aren’t many people in the waiting area but I feel the heat of their stares as my mother causes a scene.
“It’s been a long night,” Eddie says, stepping between us. “Maybe you should rest, Mom. How about we go for a walk, get a coffee downstairs.”
“No. I am not leaving. Not until someone tells me my husband is going to be okay.” She sinks into her seat, her shoulders slumping with defeat. Her eyes drift shut and she shakes her head. “Get me a drink. Please, I need . . .” She doesn’t finish her thought, her body heaving with silent sobs.
Eddie slips into the chair next to hers. He exchanges a look with Ricky. I don’t know what it means, but I stalk across the room for answers.
“I tried to call you,” Ricky says, pulling me into his side for a hug. “Where have you been?” He glances over to where Chase stands a few feet back. “Hey.” He lifts his chin in a polite greeting.
I step out of my brother’s embrace, shrugging off his comfort. “What happened?”
“Dad is in surgery. They held off as long as they could, but his lung collapsed right after they brought him in.”
“It’s not another stroke?” That alone provides me a sliver of relief. My chest expands and I can finally inhale a full breath. “When can we go see him?”
“Alicia. You can’t.” My brother holds my stare. “He’s in surgery. It’s a risky procedure, given his current health. I need you to understand, there’s a possibility he might not make it out.”
“He might not . . .” My hands shake, my entire body rattling with fear.
“I hope you’re happy with yourself,” my mother calls from her seat. Her words are meant for me. I’m sure of it
.
“Eddie.” Ricky shoots my brother a glare.
I feel numb. Like I’m in a bad dream. But it won’t matter if I scream or cry; there’s no waking up from this.
Eddie coaxes my mom out of her chair and over to the elevators. It’s not until the doors slide shut that I glance around. There’s a woman staring. She sits alone and I expect her to look away once our eyes lock. Only she doesn’t. There’s something familiar about her, but she’s not one of the staff members and she’s not one of Dad’s nurses.
The hair on the back of my neck rises. “Who’s that?” I nod in her direction before meeting Ricky’s stare.
His gaze is uncertain, but he attempts a smile. “Alicia, this is Lucía.”
Lucía.
Our half-sister.
The one who’s supposed to be in Spain where Dad hid her and his second family for most of our lives. Anger rushes through my veins. The events of the morning play back in my mind and hit me all over again. Guilt lays thick in my throat, making it hard to breathe. Lucía is here. Sitting with my family as I should have been.
She pushes to her feet, moving with a pleasant demeanor to step forward. Her lips curve with a smile that looks too much like my own. Like my father’s.
“What—?” My chest heaves. My pulse rockets. I feel crazed, almost outside of my body. “What is she doing here?” My words lash out sharply.
Ricky’s brow furrows. His eyes confused. “She’s family.”
“She’s a stranger!” I throw my hands out.
“Alicia.” Chase crowds my body, resting his hand against the small of my back. “Calm down.”
“No!” I shove away, glaring between him, my brother, and the woman I don’t even know.
“Alicia.” My brother steps forward.
“Stop! Okay!” I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. “Stop trying to pretend this is okay.”
“Maybe I should go?” Lucía offers.
“No,” Ricky says, his face stern. “You deserve to be here as much as any one of us.”
“I can’t believe you brought her here.” Panic quickens my breath and my mouth feels too dry. “She might be blood, but that doesn’t make her family.”
“You need to go take a walk,” Ricky commands, raising his voice. “Get some air.”
“I just got here,” I practically shout.
“Well, you’re acting like an entitled asshole, so go take a walk.” He turns his back to me and walks to Lucía, comforting her with an embrace.
My jaw falls open. Watching my brother offer her comfort after berating me pushes me over the edge. I can’t be here. I storm out of the room, passing the elevators and shoving into the stairwell. I take each step like I’m in a race to the first floor, but really, it’s in vain. There’s no way to escape my thoughts or the rage swirling inside my chest.
Chase follows behind. He’s silent but for the echo of his footfalls on the cement stairs. He hasn’t said much since we found my family.
I feel as though the walls are closing in, even after we push out into the lobby. I stomp out the sliding front door and away from the building, struggling to catch my breath. “Can you believe that?” I spin around and throw my hands toward the hospital tower. I sound hysterical even to my own ears, but it doesn’t stop me. “What the fuck were my brothers thinking?”
He doesn’t answer, his jaw tight and gaze not meeting mine.
“Chase?”
His jaw works back and forth. “Did you mean what you said back there?”
I don’t understand what he means. He almost appears angry. I shake my head.
“Because I’m trying to figure out if I’m as expendable as Lucía.”
Fuck. “That isn’t the same.”
“But isn’t it? Our son doesn’t know me. I’m practically a stranger. Does that mean I don’t belong? If, God forbid, something happened to bring him to the hospital, would my feelings and opinions matter?”
I swallow hard. The truth of his accusation is bitter on my tongue. “Chase.”
“I deserve to be more than a bystander in our son’s life, Alicia.” His eyes are hard and cold. “And I want a partner who respects me.”
“I wasn’t talking about us. Or Matthew.” My excuses lack conviction, as does my anger from before.
“But you’re so quick to lash your anger on a woman who’s basically been hidden in another country her entire life by your father. Where’s your compassion? Where’s the person who fought for her sobriety? Do you even believe in redemption or second chances?”
“Chase,” I beg, reaching for him.
He steps back, his palms up. “No. I want to be here for you, I do. But I need a minute.” He shakes his head. “Maybe you’re not the person I thought you were.”
“Don’t you dare.” Righteousness fills my chest. He doesn’t know me. Hasn’t grown up in my family. He doesn’t get to come in and make judgments about me or the shit I went through. The armor I’ve used to survive reconstructs around my heart. “You don’t understand. You have no idea!”
“Then tell me why you went off on that woman in there? She’s worried and waiting for her dad to come out of surgery, the same as you.”
“Fuck you.” The insult flies from my mouth.
He rears back. “Excuse me?”
“I don’t need to explain myself. You don’t get it. Fine. You probably don’t want to be here. So leave, then.” I gesture toward the lot of parked cars. “Thanks for the ride, but I don’t need you. I’ve been surviving without you just fine.”
“That’s really how it’s gonna be?” He folds his arms over his chest. “After everything, you want to throw us away all over again?”
No. No, that’s not what I want at all but I can’t admit that. “Damn it, Chase. I can’t do this right now. Not after the last twenty-four hours. My mom is a wreck. My dad is . . . My dad is dying, and I—” I shake my head, holding back the urge to melt into a puddle of tears. “I’m supposed to get on a plane in two days. I mean, what the hell were we even thinking? My life is in London.”
Despite my callousness, he steps forward. “We can figure it out.”
But I’ve been sold a lie before. A fairytale family by appearance that contained nothing but hurt. How can I trust we won’t be the same? “How? How does this work? I’m not going to drop my entire career, bail on the education I’ve worked so damn hard to achieve over the last three years, just to what? Come back here and be your girlfriend? All because we fucked one night?”
His lips pinch with disapproval. “You don’t mean that.”
“Stop, okay? Stop trying to be so damn perfect.” Stop trying to call me on my bullshit. Stop making me risk my heart. “Just go. Okay? Please. Just go.”
“Is that what you really want?”
I nod but I can’t say it out loud. The anger fueling my outrage is already fading.
He stares, holding my gaze a full minute before he sneers. “Okay, then. Have it your way. I’ll leave. I thought we were better than this.” He shakes his head and turns, walking away.
It’s what I expect, isn’t it? What I pushed him to do. The people I allow close to my heart always let me down. It’s why I don’t open myself up. Why I keep everyone at a distance, push people away. It hurts a hell of a lot less if I’m the one calling the shots.
Only, that doesn’t feel true right now. My heart feels like it’s cracking into pieces all over again. My dad’s in surgery. My family’s a mess. And I told the one man who I want by my side forever to fuck off. Oh, God, what have I done?
36
Chase
I can’t believe Alicia. After everything we’ve been through. After last night. Fuck. I thought we were past this bullshit.
Apparently, I thought wrong.
I stalk to my truck, hurt and anger pulsing through my muscles with every step. Am I the fool here? Has my desire to hold on to the past clouded my judgment? Because I swear last night was real. I gave her everything, my entire heart. But the shit
she pulled back there? That was fucking mean. Especially for someone who’s accepted her weakness and gone down a path of healing. The callous words she lashed toward her half-sister hit where I’m most vulnerable.
I’m angry. With her. At myself. With this impossible situation we’re in.
I’m a stranger to Matthew. He shares my DNA, but he doesn’t know me as a son should know his father.
My biggest fear other than losing her is losing him.
What happens if she decides I don’t deserve a place in their life?
Am I really so expendable?
I climb into my truck, my entire body shaking from our encounter. My stomach gets in on the party, grumbling with hunger. I was in such a rush to get her to the hospital I didn’t stop to eat. I haven’t even had coffee. Since it’s the one thing I can control, I whip out of the parking lot to rectify that with a visit to the nearest cafe.
The hospital is still within view when my phone rings through the Bluetooth. I glance at the dashboard to see who’s calling and tap a button to connect the call. “Hey, Mav. What’s up?” I attempt to keep the irritation from my voice but I must do a horrible job.
“Hey, sorry. I know it’s kinda early.”
“It’s fine.”
“It doesn’t sound fine. You okay? Need to talk?”
“Are all women fucking crazy?”
“You’re lucky my phone isn’t on speaker right now. And to answer your question, yes.” He chuckles but I can’t muster the energy to join him. “What happened, brother?”
“It’s Alicia. We had this amazing night together.” My thumbs bounce on the steering wheel. “And today . . . it’s been a fucking mess. We woke up to her brothers blowing up her phone. Her dad’s in emergency surgery. Then she yells at her half-sister in the waiting room, and I just don’t get it. It’s like I don’t even know her.”
“Her dad’s in surgery?”
“Yeah.” I exhale a long sigh and think back to our conversation last night. Then about how she found out he had this whole other secret family. “I think they’ve had a rough couple of years.”