by Kacey Shea
“Fear. It’s a bitch, man. Makes people say crazy things they don’t mean.”
“You think she’s scared?”
“You remember when I was in the hospital after the accident? And they told me I would never walk again?”
My body goes tight with unease. “Uh.”
“No. That’s right. Because you were too much of a little bitch to come visit me.” Maverick laughs. His gallows humor holds no boundaries, and if I weren’t in such a shit mood I might smile. “Anyway, if you’d been there, you would know that I broke up with Vanessa that same day.”
“What?” This is news to me.
“Yeah. I broke up with her. I cussed her out, told her I didn’t love her, and all kinds of mean shit she refused to accept, which only pissed me off more. I didn’t want to live without her, but I somehow convinced myself she would be better off without me. My life was already fucked; how could I drag her down too?”
“But she stayed anyway.” I can’t imagine a world where Mav and Vanessa aren’t together. It hits me. Alicia pushed me away. Not because she didn’t need me, but because she was scared to let me stay. She was only protecting herself. And I fucking fell for it.
“Yeah, and thank God she did. Can you imagine the miserable SOB I’d be if she didn’t?”
“I probably wouldn’t be your friend,” I deadpan.
“Exactly. Look, I don’t know if this is the same thing, and maybe I’m projecting, but trauma and fear have a pretty messed up way of keeping us from accepting love. Maybe give her a second chance. Or be like Vanessa and refuse to give up.”
“I think that might be the best advice you’ve ever given me,” I tease, but it’s tinged with truth. I pull into the parking lot of a fast-food joint and scrub a hand over my jaw. “Thank you.”
“Anytime.”
I realize Maverick must’ve called for a reason. “Sorry, you called for something. What did you need?”
“Oh, I was gonna see if you wanted to bust me out of here for a few hours to catch the game and chow down on some wings. But we’ll do it another time.” There’s a smile in his voice. “I have a feeling you’re gonna be busy for the rest of the day.”
He’s a good friend. The best. I need to get back to the hospital. I’m going to be by Alicia’s side, even if she doesn’t want me. Maybe that makes me a fool. Maybe I’m destined for a lifetime of fighting for someone who claims she’s better off alone. But I don’t think that’s true. She’s scared, and fear has a funny way of keeping a person from following their heart. I let that happen last time but I won’t make the same mistake again.
Because no matter what she says or how hard she tries to push me away, I’m not giving up. Not when I just got her back.
37
Alicia
When Chase walks away something inside me snaps. He fucking leaves. Of course, he does. I gave him every reason to. So why am I on the verge of crying when he did exactly what I asked?
Because I love him.
Fuck.
I never stopped.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
And part of me wants to give up everything to be with him again. This is bad. So bad. Worse than I thought. What am I doing?
My tears fall before I make it back inside the hospital. They don’t stop as I walk the hallways, nor when strangers stare with concern. I should go back to the waiting room. Apologize and be with my family, but I can’t bring myself to face them.
Maybe I deserve to be alone. I push everyone away. I’ve done this to myself.
I stop into one of the bathrooms to wash my face. I can hardly meet my own reflection. My eyes are rimmed red. My skin is blotchy. The circles under my eyes show every bit of my exhaustion. I don’t even resemble the woman who watched her friends get married less than twenty-four hours ago.
It's been just as long since I’ve seen my son. Guilt seeps into my mind. I hate being away under good circumstances. Pulling my cell out, I press Simon’s contact to check in. It seems a poor substitute when I’d rather have Matthew in my arms. I could really use a hug.
Simon answers on the first ring. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I barely get out the word before a cry pushes past my lips. The tears that never really stopped are back again, but this time falling faster.
“Oh, babe. What is it?”
“I fucked up.” I sniffle, reaching for a paper towel to press against my face. “I thought last night was a good idea, but I’ve already ruined it.”
“I’m sure you haven’t.”
I shake my head, even though Simon can’t see. “No. I think I have.” I swipe at my cheeks, trying to eradicate the evidence of my emotional breakdown. “Feelings suck. I hate this.” As a person who numbed herself most of her adult years, allowing myself to feel anything cuts with a sharpness I’m not accustomed to. “I’m never doing this again.” I made sure of that. Chase won’t want to speak to me after the things I said.
“The sex was that bad, huh?”
Despite my tears, a laugh bursts from my lips. “Simon!”
“Sorry.”
“I love him,” I blurt, and that only causes more tears to fall.
“Oh, Alicia. You always have.”
“I’m scared.”
“Of course you are.”
“I pushed him away.”
“He’ll come back.”
“What if he doesn’t?” I wouldn’t blame him. Not after today.
“He will.”
I sniffle. “How do you know that?”
“Because you’re worth the fight.”
It’s hard for me to believe that. “You’re too good to me.”
“I know.” He chuckles and I picture him rolling his eyes and smiling one of his crooked grins. “Now, what’s the latest with your dad? Is there anything you need?”
“We’re going to be here awhile, I think.” If I hadn’t lost my mind, I might have better details. “He’s in surgery. Can you keep Matty for me? I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot.”
“I don’t mind. Take as long as you like. Or do you need me to come down there? I can bring Matthew.”
“No, thank you, though.” As much as I’d like to hold my son, this isn’t a place for a toddler to run around. “I wouldn’t know how to do this without you.”
“If you change your mind, let me know. But don’t worry about us. This kid is having a blast digging up your mother’s flower beds. Keep me posted about your dad.”
“I will.” My stomach knots with worry. “I should get back upstairs, see if there’s been any updates on his surgery.”
We end the call and I clean up as best as I can, considering this is a hospital restroom and I have no makeup with me. The bags under my eyes are massive and I could really use a shot of caffeine. But I’ve been gone long enough as it is. I hustle back to the waiting area. Mom and Eddie are back. Lucía sits next to Ricky, her eyes closed and lips moving slightly as her fingers clutch a set of prayer beads.
Ricky notices my approach and stands, his eyes wary. He nods toward a hallway in the opposite direction. “Let’s talk.”
“Okay.”
Once we’re out of earshot he stops, pulling me to the side so we’re out of the walkway. He folds his arms over his chest. “Where’s your friend?”
I pushed him away. I’m really good at that. “He had to leave.”
“Alicia.” He sighs. “I am trying to be patient and understanding, but if you’re going to pull more crap like earlier, then you need to wait somewhere else.”
“I know.”
“I get it was a surprise. I do, and we were going to tell you. I didn’t want you two to meet this way.”
“Does Mom know?” I nod over my shoulder. “About Lucía?”
“No,” Ricky says. “Mom thinks she’s Eddie’s assistant. I mean, she is, but we don’t think it’s a good idea to tell her. She’s . . . well, you’ve seen her this week. She hasn’t been the same since Dad’s stroke. That changed her.”
He’s rig
ht. My mom’s always had substance abuse issues, but growing up it was different. She would have never yelled at me in public. I can’t imagine what she’d do if she discovered Dad had a child with another woman.
“How long has Lucía been working for the company?”
“After Dad’s stroke and you told me about her . . . I had to find her, Alicia. She deserved to know. We hit it off and I hired her for the Spain office. It was the least I could do. She’s been through a lot.”
“Yeah.” Shame washes over me as I think about my reaction to seeing her here. I responded with jealousy and anger while my brothers offered her compassion.
“I brought her to our offices here about a year ago. She’d just gotten out of a relationship, needed a fresh start, and well, I like her, Alicia. She’s a good person. Honest and hardworking. I hope you’ll give her a chance.”
“I’m sorry for how I acted. What I said. I was upset about Dad. It’s no excuse, but everything is spiraling out of control right now.”
His brows lift. “Don’t apologize to me.”
I nod, glancing down the hall to where my half-sister waits. If I’m honest, I felt a little ambushed. Hurt too. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It’s not really something you say over the phone.” He shrugs. “I was worried you’d overreact.”
I pin him with a glare.
He chuckles. “I was right.”
I don’t know why I keep allowing fear to hold me hostage, but I need to stop. It steals precious moments. It roots me in the past when the future could be bright.
“Come on.” Ricky slings an arm around his shoulder. “Love you, Alicia.”
“Love you, too.” I lean into him, wrapping my arm around his waist as we walk back to the waiting area. I offer Lucía what I hope is a friendly smile and take the seat next to her. Mom watches us with an inquisitive stare and it adds to my nerves.
“I’m sorry about before,” I whisper, hoping she gives me another chance. “I put my fear and frustrations on you and that wasn’t fair.”
She nods, her eyes cast down.
“I’d like to get to know you. That is, if you want to?”
Her gaze lifts and she nods, her lips curving with the hint of a smile. “I would like that very much.” Her accent is thick. It makes me wonder about her life and everything she’s been through. She’s a stranger for now, but I hope not forever.
I look over to Eddie. “Did they say how long it’ll be?”
“At least two more hours.” He exhales a weary sigh. “But it could be more. Depends on how things go once they . . .” He trails off, his gaze darting to check on Mom.
I nod, not wanting to upset anyone further. The minutes pass painfully slowly. Mom stares aimlessly at the wall, Eddie and Ricky take turns getting up to pace, and Lucía’s prayer beads tap together each time she shifts them in her lap. I check my phone obsessively, though I don’t expect anyone to call.
“That is your son?” Lucía motions to my phone. My screen saver is a photo of him from his second birthday.
“Yeah. His name is Matthew.”
She opens her mouth to say something, but our attention moves across the room.
Exiting the elevator is Chase. His hands are full with two drink carriers and a fast food bag cradled to his chest. He moves toward us, his features soft with a gentleness that contrasts his size. “I thought everyone could use some coffee.”
I’m frozen. Overcome. I blink to make sure I’m not hallucinating.
“You are my hero.” My brother Eddie shoves to his feet and rushes to take one of the drink carriers from Chase’s hands. “We didn’t get a chance to meet earlier. I’m Eduardo, Alicia’s brother.”
“I’m Chase,” he says before glancing at me as if he’d like to say more, but isn’t sure he should.
I stand and walk over to join them. “Chase is Matthew’s father.” Pride fills my chest as I make introductions. I’ve kept Matthew’s paternity private for so long, it’s freeing to speak the truth. “This is my other brother, Ricky.”
Ricky’s gaze bounces from me to Chase and back again, his jaw slack with shock.
“Coffee?” Chase holds out the tray of drinks. “I got breakfast sandwiches too. I wasn’t sure what everyone liked, so there’s a bit of everything.”
“Thank you.” Ricky recovers quickly. “This is so thoughtful.” He takes the food to pass out.
I step forward, warmth filling my chest. “Hey.”
Chase hands me one of the coffees, our fingers brushing in the process. Neither of us pulls away. “Hey.”
I want to ask why he came back. I want to confess everything in my heart. All the fears that hold me back. All the love I still have for him. I don’t even care that it’s in the presence of my family in the middle of a freaking hospital waiting room.
But the shuffle of movement near one of the doors draws our attention before I can mutter a simple thank you.
Two medical professionals enter, one man and one woman. Their faces are exhausted and the mood in the room shifts at their presence. Unease prickles down my spine as a chill runs through my body.
“Mrs. Martin.” The man calls my mother’s name.
It’s then I know. Even before the words leave his lips. Even before the world as I know it stops spinning.
I don’t even process what the surgeon says, but the sobs of my mother when they tell her my daddy’s gone will haunt me forever. Tears stream hot on my face. My head feels light. My body is outside of itself, as if I'm not even here. But my soul, it feels everything, and the pain is indescribable.
It’s too much.
I’d do anything to make it stop.
38
Chase
I’m no stranger to death or tragedy. Unfortunately, in my profession I deal with it often. But there is something excruciating about watching the woman I love as she’s told her father is no longer with us. The grief of her family makes me suspect he was well loved in spite of his faults.
I stick by her side through it all. I hold her. Offer words of assurance in an attempt to soothe her pain. But nothing makes this better.
I offer to drive Alicia and her mom home and her brothers agree, promising to come by in a few hours. The ride is uncomfortably silent. Alicia huddles into her seat, her body curling away from mine. She’s despondent, and my worry grows with each passing minute. I can’t tell whether she’s in shock or simply processing her grief. Either way, I feel totally helpless. I wish I could take this from her, carry the load, but all I can offer is to stay. To be witness to her pain. It doesn’t feel enough.
Her mom sits in the back seat, staring out the window. She stopped crying a few minutes ago and now appears almost numb. I don’t know which is worse. Both are heartbreaking.
I pull into the drive and park as close as possible to the front door. After I cut the engine, I hop out and walk around the truck, but Alicia’s already out and helping her mom step down. I rush over to offer a steadying hand.
“Thanks for driving us.” Alicia’s cold tone sparks concern in my gut.
Her mom blinks up at me, almost as if she’s seeing me for the first time. “Who are you again?”
“I’m—”
“He’s an old friend.” Alicia holds her mom’s hand and starts walking toward the door. “We should get you inside. Rest for a while.”
“Don’t be rude, Alicia.” Her mom glances over her shoulder, meeting my gaze. “This nice man drove us home; you should invite him in for a drink.”
Alicia heaves out a sigh. “I don’t drink. And neither does Chase.”
“You never used to be such a drag, Alicia.” Her mom shakes her head and pushes inside the house. She walks with purpose and Alicia follows. I trail behind them both.
“Mom, what are you doing?” Alicia asks.
Her mother pulls a bottle of wine from the refrigerated case under the sink, then reaches for the electric tool to uncork it. “She used to be the life of the party, you know?” She gl
ances across the counter to meet my stare before turning to grab two empty glasses from a cabinet shelf.
The glug, glug, glug of the wine as it pours into each glass rattles my nerves. I’ve never been much of a wine drinker, but I am a recovering alcoholic. It shocks me that Alicia’s mom would fill these in front of her daughter, knowing the struggle she’s been through.
“Always the center of attention, this one.” Her mom nods to where Alicia stands frozen beside me. “Used to smile more too. She needs a drink more than I do.” Her sharp laughter lacks humor. It’s cruel, and though this woman just lost her husband, I instantly dislike her. “Or maybe your friend here will join me because you’re too good to have a glass of wine with your grieving mother.” She wields her insult like a challenge, sliding over a full glass and holding Alicia’s stare.
“I’m good,” Alicia bites out. “It’s been a long morning. Chase would probably like to go home.”
“I think Chase is old enough to make his own choices—”
“I don’t drink,” I interrupt in an attempt to cool the crackling tension. “Thank you, though.”
“Suit yourself.” Her mom slides the two stems between her fingers, and takes both glasses as she saunters out of the room.
Even after her retreat the air is tense.
I don’t know what to do here. All I know is that I’m not leaving Alicia’s side.
She swallows hard, her eyes on the bottle her mother left behind. “I need to find a meeting. Now.”
“Okay.” I sense the alarm in her tone. I’ve been there many times. Pulling my cell out of my pocket, I find the nearest one. “It starts in an hour.”
“Let me go tell Simon first.” Her chest rises and falls with measured breaths, almost as if she’s trying to control the air in the room. She doesn’t move to leave. “Matty’s napping.”
“Want me to come up with you?” I touch her arm.
“No.” She shakes her head, snapping out of her trance. “I’ll only be a few minutes.”