The Forbidden Plan

by Erika Starits

  “Hello there, how is my favorite girl?”

  His crinkly old face was pleased to see me and full of compassion. Did Old Jake love me? I quickly shook the ridiculous impression.

  I responded, “Hi, I am sorry I haven’t been coming by as much. I have Remembrance Duty tomorrow though, so I wanted to make sure I saw you tonight.”

  Old Jake motioned for me to sit at the end of his cot. He studied me with concern etched into his gaunt features. I hoped the worried look on his face was because I had Remembrance Duty. Surely it was not because of suspicions he had of my recent, inexcusable behavior.

  “I am happy to see you, Ana! Will you be put on duty with Zander again?”

  “I don’t know. I have been careful to avoid Jude Meadows every day.”

  It was not a complete falsehood. Technically it was true... as far as the day went.

  I quickly insisted, “And I’ve worked meticulously hard. But I fear Chief Meadows has made a final and deadly decision on the matter.”

  I shrugged my shoulders and let out a defeated breath. Old Jake coughed a few times before attempting reassurances.

  “As long as you do not fall in love, Ana...you should be okay for a while.”

  He peered into my eyes and made me fidgety and uncomfortable.

  I asserted, “Oh, don’t worry. I would not be so senseless.”

  Why did the mention of me falling in love, unexpectedly unhinge me? It was physically painful to be dishonest with Old Jake. But I could not bring myself to come clean. If he discovered the truth, he would be incredibly disappointed. I feared my actions would be crippling to his already frail figure. My absurd activities would surely send him to his grave. He studied me for a few moments before speaking.

  “You seem different, Ana. I’m not sure what it is. Is there anything you want to talk to me about?”

  I desperately wished he would stop scrutinizing me so carefully. My mind was racing, attempting to conjure a sound response. I recalled a moment from earlier in the day.

  “Something is bothering me.”

  Old Jake leaned forward with anticipation. He moved with abnormal gust, undoubtedly expecting an honest explanation.

  He motioned for me to continue and asked, “Yes?”

  “Today I saw the bond between two firstlings. A little one and her female creator. They seemed to care for each other so deeply...to love each other. It was upsetting to witness. Because for a moment, I longed for a bond with my creator. Although it would be impossible. How can firstlings love one another so effortlessly and drudges appear incapable of the emotion?”

  When I considered Old Jake, Brenna, Jude, and even Zander, the sentiment did not seem unreasonable. But drudges never spoke of the emotion. It marked drudges as heartless, but surely this was not so. I did not feel uncaring.

  I passionately questioned, “Did my creators so easily forget me? Was I simply forgotten after being placed in the nursery and assigned my drudge line?”

  Old Jake was quiet for a while and contemplative.

  He replied, “Ana, you have not been a creator yet.”

  No, I had not. The statement made the room spin. I might be forced to create a child with a male I didn't even know? This possibility never crossed a passing thought. The acknowledgment gave rise to disturbance.

  Old Jake solemnly explained, “Because you have not been a creator, you do not know how it feels to have a child taken from you forever.”

  Was Old Jake once a creator? He definitely could have been coerced into the obligation during his life in Starosa.

  I asked, “Have you ever been a creator? If so, was it easy to ignore your child for the rest of your life? And to be so uncaring when firstlings are the exact opposite with their offspring? Regardless of Starosa laws, it doesn’t seem right.”

  Old Jake became distraught. He was almost angry at my questioning, which was not normal for him.

  In an impatient voice he responded, “Ana, we are forced to be this way! We have no choice. Firstlings are allowed to live with, nurture, and love their children. We are not. It’s a violation and would only end in an execution!”

  He exhaled loudly, slowly letting out his breath in puffs of agitated steam.

  Instantly regretting my words, I apologized, “I’m sorry. I did not mean to upset you.”

  His features softened and he said, “No, Ana, it is okay. You just do not understand.”

  He paused, considering if he should persist and asked, “Can you keep a secret?”

  He fervently stared and his eyes glistened with profound somberness.

  I affirmed, “Of course, I promise.”

  Old Jake cleared his throat and divulged, “Ana, drudges do care. They care deeply when their offspring is taken from them. Drudges do not know the person they are required to be with, but an instant devotion grows for the child conceived.”

  Old Jake closed his eyes and fought heartbreaking tears.

  He confessed, “Drudges secretly do things for their children all the time. It can be as simple as an extra portion of food, sneakily left for them. Thus, going hungry so their children can eat more. Or doing an unseen act of service for them during the day. For example, a drudge creator might stealthily help with duties while their child is eating their midday meal. This way, the workload is not so wearisome. Children do not perceive the importance of the actions and discoveries. But we show love in any way we are able. Even if it will never be known.”

  I reminisced through time and remembered food being left for me often. I recalled discovering less work to finish when I returned from eating my midday meal. Unexpected tears emerged. My makers must have done these things for me. In the shadows of secret, were the deeds accomplished. Otherwise, Chief Meadows would have found a way to destroy the guilty perpetrators. Suddenly, I earnestly longed to know the identities of my creators. I recollected the faces in Starosa. Which two drudges gave me life?

  I inquired, “Old Jake, do you know who my makers are?”

  Old Jake’s features dampened with sadness as he looked at me. An overwhelming concept surfaced. Perhaps he was one of my creators. He had taken special notice of me as soon as I graduated from the nursery. However, it was an impossibility. We were in the same drudge line.

  After quickly pondering the past, I concluded Old Jake did care for me. He simply never spoke the words. The memories came forth as wet affection on my cheeks. Despite the circumstances against it, I truly cared for him too.

  Old Jake held his emotions in his throat as he spoke, “Ana, I am not your maker...but I created the man who made you.”

  He was my male creator’s maker. I desperately begged to know more.

  “Really!? Who is he? Who is my female creator? Please tell me, they shall never learn I know of them!”

  Old Jake appeared pained to respond.

  Laced with suffering, his voice cracked as he spoke, “Your mother was a servant drudge and your father a sustenance drudge.”

  It was odd to hear Old Jake refer to my makers as father and mother. Only the firstlings used this terminology.

  It was requiring great effort to keep his emotions from spilling over. Seeing Old Jake so upset was breaking my heart. I could not halt the tears from escaping my eyes. He commenced speaking.

  “Your parents, including my son, were put to death publicly by Chief Meadows. Your father was killed first and after your mother gave birth to you; she was also put to death.”

  I conjectured what it signified. My creators were openly murdered before and right after my birth? This grievous outcome meant one thing. But surely it was not so!

  I stammered, “Are you saying…”

  It was impossible to execute a proper sentence.

  “Yes, Ana. Your parents secretly fell in love. When your mother was with child, when she was pregnant with you, they could no longer hide their secret.”

  My mind raced to a morning a few months prior. Chief Meadows brutally whipped a pregnant woman. Two lovers clung to one ano
ther crying. It suddenly became too much for me. Old Jake and I both had sadness streaming our faces.

  My creators. My parents. They were murdered by Chief Meadows for falling in love. To make matters worse, I had the audacity to meet with the horrible man’s son every night. What was wrong with me?

  In a rare occurrence outside of Remembrance Duty, Old Jake weakly moved closer. He put his frail, bony arms around my shuddering frame.

  He gravely recalled, “It was devastating for me. I could not bear to watch the days of their executions. But I vowed to always care for you...my descendant. When you were a youngling, it was me who left extra food for you. I secretly helped with your duties in the past. It was luck and fortune you were placed into the same drudge line as me. I have watched over and taken a sincere interest in your life for a very specific reason. I have drilled the Starosa laws into your head. I have diligently tried my best to ensure your safety. I relentlessly kept you from trouble. With all of my strength, I attempted to guard you from the unfairness of your world, the world of a drudge. Ana, I’ve loved you since the day you were born.”

  I leaned into his embrace, despite the rules against it, and wiped the moisture from my face. I looked at Old Jake and into his sorrowful blue eyes. Tiny lines resembling crumpled fabric encircled his devoted features. I cherished the admired wrinkles. I did love him, but was never allowed to consider the sentiment.

  Unable to mask my feelings, I quietly announced, “I love you too...and thank you. Thank you for taking care of me all of these years. I am truly grateful.”

  “You’re welcome my sweet, beautiful girl.”

  A shadow crossed Old Jake’s features as he became crushingly reaware of our surroundings and remembered we were drudges. He grudgingly moved away from me, as swiftly as he could manage, and yielded to dreadful knowledge. If an elite ten happened to be on patrol, our embrace would be dangerous if discovered. His head rested against the wall flanking his cot.

  Suddenly, Jude and our insane behavior became emotionally draining. I despised his father. I needed to stop meeting him in secret and I would tell him tonight. I could no longer stomach the possibility of getting caught and consequently killed. Especially because of the pain it would cause Old Jake. He had already been through so much anguish. Chief Meadows murdered my parents. What was I doing with this awful man’s son? This monster was currently plotting my own death as well!

  I spoke softly, “Thank you for telling me. I am going to retire to my room now. I am tired and I am sure you are as well.”

  “Yes, I am. Ana, promise me…you will not do anything to harm your already threatened life?”

  I stumbled toward the door. Thankful I was no longer facing him. This way I could mask my dishonest past from being discovered on my face.

  I answered without turning around, “Do not worry, I will not. I promise.”

  Old Jake emphasized, “Good, because I have been worried. The look in my son’s eyes before you were born and before he was put to death. It was a dreamy happiness, reflected from his appearance once he fell in love with your mother. This same expression is shining through your countenance as well. It’s been a cause for great concern.”

  He knew. He perceived something was different about me and assumed the reason. I was not yet sure what it was, but was he right? Was I in love? Surely not. Either way, I could never admit my thoughtless behavior. I would end it all tonight. Old Jake did not press me for a reply. He scooted under his blanket, laid back, and closed his weary eyes.

  I whispered, “Good night,” and escaped the room as fast as possible.

  I hurried outside and made my way to Animal Quarters with determination.

  It would be the last time I headed there, late at night, when I should have been sleeping in my cot instead. With a tormented soul, I admitted I did not want it to end. But I was angry too. Fueled by my new-found resentment, the entire dishonest situation would be terminated. No matter how much it was going to hurt, it needed to end. And it was vital it ceased immediately.

  Chapter 16

  I secured myself within the shed and was surprised to find Jude already waiting for me. The luminous glow of the lantern lit his features and he greeted me cheerfully. He was unmistakably delighted to see me.

  “Hi, Ana!”

  Seeing Jude so pleased at my arrival caused an ache I had never experienced before. My emotions must have been etched onto my face because his happy grin quickly turned to concern.

  Jude immediately stood. He apprehensively treaded to me wearing an expression of concern.

  “What’s the matter?”

  I took a bottomless breath and tried to keep my voice from wavering. I struggled to resist rising tears. I would use my boiling rage for his father, to help me accomplish this necessary task. My wrath would be wrongfully fired at Jude, but this deceitful arrangement was entirely his fault. He was the one who initiated our treacherous encounters.

  With exasperation I asked, “What are we doing here!?”

  He seemed shocked by my question.

  “What do you mean, what are we doing here?”

  Even though my heart was hurting, I kept my resolve and it was laced with irritation. Our unlawful meetings had to end immediately.

  I snapped, “You obviously have no regard for my life because you arranged for me to meet with you every night.”

  Jude’s expression was full of shame. His guilt and lack of defense hurt and infuriated me even more.

  I harshly ranted, “We are being senseless and cannot continue. If we were caught, I would be killed immediately. Jude, you might not be aware of this...but your father already wants me dead. He’s deviously arranged it. It’s purely a matter of time.”

  Jude’s reaction indicated surprised alarm.

  He practically shouted, “What!? What reason does he have!?”

  I looked at him as if his brain were as obscure as a tiny pebble and hastily expressed, “I don’t know Jude, maybe it has something to do with…you?”

  Jude’s mouth instantly turned into a miserable frown. He shook his head in frustration. Deep down, he knew he was to blame.

  He confessed, “I’m so sorry, Ana. It probably is my fault. My father has observed my amiable gaze in your direction many times. I have smiled your way, long before we were meeting every night. One day, he caught me extending you an open act of courtesy.”

  Jude moved heatedly and fumed, “I opened the door for you and it infuriated him! I am not even sure why it made him as upset as it did. He witnessed the good deed and saw how I regarded you. My uninhibited actions enraged him. I determined to be more cautious in his presence, but I could not stop altogether. I always had to seek you out and I always will. I wanted to please my father. But I could not stop searching for you in crowds, on the roads, all the time.”

  Now I was the one confused. What did he mean?

  Jude deferred my bewilderment and confided, “I thought my display of cruelty toward you on that appalling, muddy day was enough. Surely, it would have shown he did not have to worry. But I guess it didn’t work.”

  He ran his hands furiously through his short, speckled blonde hair.

  “But no, I don’t understand. How could he have arranged for your death? I am the one who has upset him. You have done nothing. He has no clue about our meetings. He would not kill without reason!”

  I rolled my eyes and reviled, “Your father creates reasons to put drudges to death! Obviously, he sees me as a threat and he’s arranged to take care of it.”

  Jude asked, “But what can he do to you if as far as he knows, you’ve done nothing wrong?”

  “He has arranged for me to go on remembrance duties with the most handsome drudge in Starosa. He hopes we will fall in love, which will eventually cause us to break laws, giving him a solid reason to put me to de....”

  Jude promptly interrupted, “What!? Have you fallen in love with this... other guy…drudge?”

  I was incredulous and irritated.

  �
�Of everything I’ve mentioned about the indecency of your father, and you question if I have fallen in love?”

  I disclosed disgust, “No, Jude, I have not.”

  Relief washed over Jude’s features and it aggravated me. How could he be reassured about anything I was saying? Regardless if I fall in love with Zander or not, I am dead.

  He insisted, “I hope you know, I do not agree with my father. He is cruel to drudges. He is a ruthless leader. He wants me to be hostile, but I’m not. I don’t want to be a Chief like him.”

  His face was consumed with bitterness for his future. One day, he would be the new Chief Meadows. Our late nights together betrayed everything we were, and the wretchedness became clearer.

  “We have to stop seeing each other, Jude. I cannot risk being caught with you. We have broken serious laws! You have given me firstlings’ foods and taught me to read and write! It is all wrong and I am not going to do this anymore. You might not care about my life,” I added spitefully, “but I do.”

  I quickly reflected on our situation and added, “It is pretty obvious. You do not care if I am alive or dead. Otherwise, you would not have planned this whole arrangement in the first place.”

  Despite how hard I tried to fight them, tears formed in my eyes. My emotions were causing me to flounder and it was challenging to force the hurt and anger away. Jude appeared upset and ran his fingers over his troubled features.

  He tossed his hands in defeat and announced, “You are right, Ana. I did start this and we should stop meeting.”

  How did I foresee him responding to my demand to quit seeing each other? Didn’t I want him to agree with me so easily? This way I could swiftly return to the safety of my drudge house. Was this not the desired outcome? Why did his fast and curt reply bother me? I needed to leave and immediately. The walls were closing in on me, the shed was claustrophobic. Was I suffocating? I tumbled to the door as I spoke and strived to not choke on my words.