by Danni Roan
Wrapping her arms around her middle, she pulled herself together to think. Surely, he didn’t expect her to move out of their room? The very thought of the lonely bed across the hall made her shiver.
Turning and pacing in front of the oversized bed, she ordered her thoughts. What was it that Kade had said?
Dragging a ragged breath into her lungs she stopped her pacing, trying to center her thoughts.
“Sometimes you need to slow down to speed up.” She whispered the words into the room. “At least he didn’t say give up.” She continued her soliloquy. “I guess that means he still wants me.”
Placing a pink lacquered nail between her teeth she made a slow turn around the room. She liked the changes she’d made to the space. A bright comforter, new curtains and a splash of color on the floor with the antique rug she’d shipped from back East.
The space was cozy and comfortable even if she did need a step to climb into the bed. She blushed slightly, remembering that she’d barely ever had to use the step as Kade usually scooped her up before she had a chance.
Climbing up into the bed, she grabbed a small pillow. She should have told her mother no. She should have done so many things. She never seemed to do anything right.
Sniffing, Michelle pulled her phone from her pocket and punched in Phil’s number. The ringing went on and on until voice mail picked up. “Phil, I think I messed up,” she said. “Call me when you get this.”
Michelle felt all alone. The world was a big place and she was a tiny thing in the vast scheme of things. Hot tears sprang to her eyes as she tried to understand what had gone wrong.
She wanted Kade, longed to feel his arms around her, hear him say something soft and kind.
Closing her eyes, she thought hard on the words he’d said. Something about time. He needed some time. “Time for what?” she growled in frustration.
Scrabbling back down off the bed, she grabbed her things and marched across the hall. What would her mother have to say of the newlyweds sleeping in separate rooms?
Chewing her lip nervously, Michelle made her way to the kitchen, surprised when she found Kade standing by the kitchen sink.
“I thought you’d gone,” she said, wrapping her arms around her middle.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said turning. “I’m not very good at these things.” He tried to smile. “I just think we need time to get to know each other a little better without…” his ears went bright red and Michelle couldn’t help but grin.
“I don’t think I like your methods,” Michelle admitted. “I feel like I’ve done something wrong.”
The silence that met her comment confirmed her fears.
“It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong,” Kade finally said. “It’s more that we need to slow down a bit.”
Leaning against the counter, Kade studied Michelle. He could tell she was worried, and didn’t like that he was causing her distress. “You see, darlin’, I’m starting to have strong feelings for you and I barely know you.”
“What do you want to know?” Michelle asked, “There isn’t much to tell. My name is Michelle Olivia Brighton- Ballard. I’m a graphics design specialist from New York City, and I’m crazy enough to marry a stranger.”
Kade smiled. “And do you like stew?”
“Stew?” Michelle blinked at him.
“Yes, I thought I’d make some stew and wanted to know if you like it.”
“I’ll eat stew, if that’s what you want,” Michelle said.
“But do you want stew?”
Michelle, puckered her brow, puzzled. “I’m more a soup kind of girl.”
“Soup it is then.”
“Don’t you have work to do?”
“I finished a project this morning and other than Phil’s craft event, it’s a quiet day.”
Michelle slipped into a chair, watching Kade take things from the fridge.
“Earlier you said you were working on projects. Do you mind telling me about them?”
Michelle spent the afternoon talking to Kade, watching him make soup, and answering questions about her work, her education, her family.
It was nice to talk to him, but her stomach knotted every time she thought of going to sleep in the lonely room across the hall from Kade.
At least he had told her he was starting to care for her. She felt the same way.
“I know this isn’t comfortable,” Kade’s voice drew her back from her thoughts, “but I want this to work.”
“I want it to work, too,” Michelle said, reaching for his hand then pulling away.
Kade took her hand in his, feeling the familiar warmth creeping through him.
“We have time,” Kade said, kissing her hand.
Chapter 15
“Michi, what’s wrong?” Phil’s voice over the line was comforting.
“Kade made me move to the other room.”
“What?” Phil’s voice was horrified.
“He said we need time to get to know each other,” Michelle sniffed.
“What are you going to do?”
“Do what can I do?”
“I know you won’t like my answer Michi, but I’m praying for you.”
“Phil, this is real, not something that can be fix with some feel-good notion of a big Santa in the sky.”
“Michelle, according to your world view, you have to do everything on your own. So do something, but I’m here if you need me.”
Michelle felt better after speaking to her friend. For a moment, she wished it were true, that there really was a creator who cared enough for you to intervene.
She was on her own. If something was going to happen, she would have to do it.
Climbing out of the simple sleigh bed, she headed across the hall and quietly opened the door.
In the dim light from the adjoining bathroom, she could see Kade kneeling by the bed, his eyes closed.
The deep rumble of his voice reached her ears. “Father, I’m doing the best I know how right now.” His voice softened more, “I’ve got feelings for that little girl, but I know she’s holding back on me. Whatever happens, let me show her love.”
Michelle backed away, closing the door silently as hot tears sprang to her eyes. Her heart begged her to go back into that room, but her brain resisted.
For just a moment, she wished there really was a benevolent being who controlled the fates of men. Someone who could love her unconditionally. What would it be like to always know you were loved?
Curling onto her bed in the other room, Michelle contemplated her strange situation. She really liked Kade. He was big and strong and sexy, but he was so much more. He was kind, thoughtful, caring.
She’d been touched when he’d taken her tastes into consideration when he cooked for her.
The night outside seemed cold, empty as she tried to snuggle into the warm quilt, but it was the void in her heart leaving her chilled.
She wanted Kade’s solid presence next to her. The heat of his body warming her, the peaceful sound of his even breathing in her ears.
Rising silently again, she slipped back into the larger bedroom, moved across the floor and climbed the two steps into the big bed.
“Michelle?” Kade questioned.
“Kade, we’re adults.” Michelle spoke quietly, “I understand what you want, what you need, but I have a few needs as well.”
Kade turned toward her, listening.
“I’m not good at this,” Michelle admitted, “but I’ll say my piece. First, I’m your wife, I don’t know what all the entails yet, but I’ll learn.”
Kade shifted and she lifted her hand to stop his words.
“Second, I don’t like being in that other room. If you don’t want us to stop…you know, that’s alright, but don’t shut me out, don’t leave me in the cold.”
A warm arm came around her, pulling her close. “Alright,” Kade smiled. “we’ll just have to do the best we can.”
“Really?” Michelle tried to look at Kade in the
dark.
“Really,” Kade offered, dropping a kiss on her head.
***
“So, she just marched in and told you no?” Chase asked the next morning as they were guiding a group of businessmen on retreat along the trails.
“Pretty much. I was glad she did,” he said, glancing over his shoulder to check on the string of horses following them single-file.
“You think things will get better?” Chase continued.
“I hope so.”
“It wasn’t all so easy with me and Phil either, you know,” Chase admitted. “We didn’t see things the same way for a while, but there was something between us, something special.”
“That’s how I feel,” Kade admitted. “It’s like I can see a future just ahead, like heat waves on the road, shimmering and hazy but unattainable.”
“Getting all poetic on me,” Chase teased, making Kade smile. “We’ll keep praying,” Chase continued. “I know your heart is in the right place, Kade, have faith.”
***
“You just stormed in and said no?” Phil asked, lifting her coffee cup and studying her friend.
“I did not storm in,” Michelle answered. “I just told him what I wanted.”
“And he was alright with it?”
“Yeah,” Michelle smiled, “he accepted it.”
“Have you had a chance to talk?”
“Not really, but we will.” Michelle lifted her eyes. “Phil, I’ve made so many mistakes.”
“We’ve all made mistakes, Michi.” Phil squeezed her friends hand.
“You know me Phil, I don’t want to be that old me. I want to be better.”
“Change is hard Michelle, I know.”
“If someone had told me in New York that you’d find your joy on a ranch in Wyoming, I never would have believed it. Me, sure. I love the quiet, the peace, the solitude, but you always seemed drawn to a challenge.”
“I still have plenty of challenges.” Phil replied, her voice gentle. “Every day I wake up trying to figure out a way to keep this ranch productive. I want it to be one of the great memories people who come here have. Something they’ll remember forever.”
“So far it seems to be doing alright,” Michelle said.“You’ll be okay.”
“With hard work, and prayer, I believe we will be,” Phil said.
“Phil, what happened to you?” Michelle asked, still stunned by the changes in her friend. “You never had time for this stuff before.”
“I never understood before.” Phil’s words were kind. “It took a lot for me make that next step, but seeing how faith carried my ancestors through, how it changed an angry young bronc buster into a loving, caring man, did something to me. It was like my eyes were opened.”
Inside, Michelle felt a tiny bubble rise in her chest. It felt tight and awkward; none of this made sense, but she didn’t want to mock her friend. It wasn’t necessarily wrong to believe in something bigger than yourself, but what was the point?
She’d never trusted so called Christians, putting her faith in what she could do for herself, but she wasn’t strong. Too often she’d given in to the demands of others, each time losing a little of herself.
Agreeing to this marriage had been one of the first things she’d ever done just for her, without anyone else giving their approval.
Perhaps she needed to do that more often.
“Michi?” Phil was talking to her again, drawing her out of her thoughts. “Don’t give up. This might be hard now, but I’m sure it will get better.”
Impulsively, Michelle hugged her friend. “Thanks Phil, I’ll think about everything you said.” She smiled.“I’d better head home.”
***
Kade was waiting for her when she got home, and she smiled to see the concern for her in his eyes.
It had only been a few days since he’d shut her out, yet step by step she was getting closer to him, to the real man he was.
“You have a nice visit?” he asked, leaning against the front porch rail.
“Yes, Phil told me to have a little faith,” she teased, but something in Kade’s eyes softened her heart.
“I have something to show you,” Kade offered. “You have a minute?”
“Sure, where are we heading?”
“You’ll see; we’ll take the truck,” he said, reaching for her hand.
Michelle had been surprised at how affectionate Kade had been, even if they weren’t carrying that affection into the bedroom each night. It was kind of nice, as if they were on those first dates, with nothing but promises to come.
Minutes later, they arrived at the old sawmill. “I’ve been working on organizing things for you."
“Kadence, what have you been doing?” Michelle asked.
Pushing the doors open, Kade ushered her into the room space, but now instead of a shadowy interior, bright light filtered through dusty windows on the far door. The defused light drifted onto a thick plank floor, and huge weathered beams stripped of the dust and detritus of years of wear.
“It’s beautiful.” Michelle stared in wonder.
“It’s not done yet,” Kade apologized, “but I need to know a few things before I can continue.”
“But I was going to get a builder in,” Michelle said. “You didn’t have to do this.” Her dark eyes were soft with affection.
“I did it because I care for you and I want us to start building the kind of relationship my folks had, or their folks before them.” He rolled his big shoulders in an uncomfortable shrug.
“Thank you,” Michelle replied, tears springing to her eyes, stepping close and looking into his eyes. “I’ve never had anyone do things for me without wanting something in return,” she said, her voice small. “All my life it seems that I’ve been trying to live up to someone else’s expectations, but you’re so different.”
“I only want one thing darlin’, I want you to be happy.” Kade’s blue eyes were serious and she could tell that there was far more to that statement than was obvious.
Taking his hand, Michelle led her muscle-bound husband toward a tall table strewn with tools. Still holding his hand, she pushed herself up on her heels until she could sit on table.
“Kade Ballard, you are not like anyone I’ve ever known,” she began. “You go through the agony of having a complete stranger find you a wife.” She smiled. “Now instead of simply wanting a wife, you seem to want so much more.”
“What did you think being a wife would mean?” Kade asked. He was standing close and could smell the fruit-tinged scent of her shampoo over the new wood smell of the floor.
“Cooking, keeping house, a romp in the sheets, maybe a bit of companionship.”
Kade’s heartfelt the blow of every word. “That’s not what a wife is in my view. A wife is a friend, a partner, someone to love, care for and share everything with.”
Michelle turned Kade’s hand over studying his calloused palm, “Most couples I know love each other, but a lot of those categories are filled by friends and other family names.
“It’s not enough, Michelle.” Kade’s voice was rough, his eyes sad. “The Bible says that when you wed you become one flesh. I suppose different people have different interpretations of that verse, but for me, it means we become full partners, sharing everything, good or bad. That’s what I want with us.”
Michelle ran her finger along the crease in Kade’s palm. If she’d been able to deny her feelings before, any chance of that was gone now. Somehow this big man had reached her heart and she wanted to be that partner he was looking for.
“In New York, I never truly fit in,” she began. “I grew up there but I was always looking for something else, some sense of freedom.”
Kade curled his fingers around Michelle’s hand, waiting as she poured out all of those things she hadn’t told him.
“School was good. I had Phil, then work. It was exciting. We had dreams and plans, and crazy ideas, but as her job took off, it took her away from me. A big apartment, long hours, new a
cquaintances.”
Michelle flicked her eyes to Kade’s and continued. “I met someone; he was charming, funny, and confident. He was determined and I liked the attention. Before I understood what he was truly like, we were an item. Everyone seemed to love him, but he had another side, one that was unkind, controlling, and greedy.”
“Did he hurt you?” Kade’s deep purr made Michelle’s skin prickle and for the first time she sensed the man’s true strength.
“A few months ago, he slapped me. He’d never done that before, and of course he apologized, but that was the last straw and I called the matchmaker.”
Kade reached out, pulling her gently into his arms. Anger rolled through him in waves, but he held it at bay.
Michelle leaned back. She needed to continue to get everything out. “Kade, I thought he cared for me, but all he wanted was someone to work and provide for him. I never really explained about leaving.”
Kade was startled by her words. “You mean you just left.”
“No, I told him I was leaving, but I didn’t tell him I was getting married. He would have stopped me. Ever since Phil left, he was more controlling and difficult than ever.”
“But now?”
“He tracked me down. I don’t know how,but he’s called me twice. I didn’t want you to know, I didn’t want to burden you with something I should have been able to take care of myself.”
Kade ran his thumb along Michelle’s cheek. Her skin was soft, smooth like silk. “Honey, I love you and I’ll never hurt you,” he said, watching her eye go wide, “but you aren’t on your own here. I’m here to help and support you in everything.”
Michelle wrapped her arms around Kade, burying her face in his shoulder. She felt loved, accepted, cared for in a way she never had before. Closing her eyes, she listened to the steady rhythm of Kade’s heart, feeling that each beat was joined to hers.
“Kade, I think I love you,” she said, her voice muffled by his jacket. With the words, a flood of confidence filled her. From their first meeting, Kade had shown her only respect, affection, love.
Everything he’d done, even his bumbling mistakes, had been for her. “I’m starting to see that you only want good things for me,” Michelle said, “but why? In the beginning, you didn’t even know me.”