by Sierra Hill
“Nice, bro. That outta keep you busy for a while.” I wink at him and ruffle his hair in the process, which garners a grin from him.
He uses his electronic voice to respond. “Your turn.”
I give him a head nod and open my gift. My brother squeals in delight as I hold up the basketball jersey. It’s a Phoenix Sun’s team jersey with Steve Nash’s number thirteen. He was my favorite player growing up – especially because he was a Phoenix ball player. Although I don’t play point guard, Nash was an all-around dynamic player whom I admired as a kid. Whenever we could afford it and had the time, my dad would take me and Dougie to the games, maybe once a year. It was always a special event, and because of Doug’s wheelchair, we always got really good seats.
“Hold it up. Let me get a picture.” My mom cheers, pulling out her phone as I do as she requests. I bend down next to Doug’s chair and hold it in front of us. Leaning over to Doug, I ask, “Did you help pick this out, bro?” He grunts and lifts his shoulders in a shrug.
We finish up the rest of the evening and I finally crawl into bed, exhausted and happy. I had left my phone charging on my nightstand while we were having dinner, so I haven’t checked it for several hours. Opening up my text messaging, I see five or six different texts. The last one was from my mom, who sent me the pic of me and Dougie. I smile ’cause it’s a great picture of us together. My dad is photo bombing us in the background, making a goofy face. It makes me laugh.
There’s a few from my friends wishing me a Merry Christmas and asking about upcoming plans for New Years’ Eve. The remaining two are from Kylah and Lyndsay. I debate which one I should read first. I’m hoping Lyndsay’s will just be a quick one, so I open hers up first.
Big mistake.
Lyndsay: I’m sure I’m just being overly emotional. But this is the first Christmas we haven’t spent together in a long time.
Lyndsay: I miss you, Van. So much.
Lyndsay: I’m so sorry I put you through all of this.
Lyndsay: I still haven’t decided what to do about the baby. Cody doesn’t want it.
Lyndsay: I have a present for you and your family. Can I stop by tomorrow? I really need someone. Someone I love and trust.
Fuck me. My emotions reel from the audacity she has to send me these messages. What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
Good for her – she found out her baby daddy’s a loser. And what? She thinks she can come running back to me? Does she think I’m just sitting here, wallowing in misery, waiting with open arms for her to come to her senses?
She can go fuck herself if that’s what she thinks.
My perfect, peaceful Christmas Eve has bit the dust because now I’m seething with anger. And truthfully, I’m confused. If I didn’t still feel something toward Lyndsay, would I still be angry? Do I still have feelings for her after all?
I don’t think so. But she’s right. It is kind of sad not to have someone to share the holidays with like we used to together.
My brain buzzes and my blood boils with indecision. I’m not sure I should give her the opportunity to come over – but I can’t shut her out, either. I’ll feel like an asshole. Regardless of the circumstances, and the fact that she stomped on my heart, I do still care about her. I probably always will. She was my first love.
And like my parents always told me – turn the other cheek.
15
Kylah
It’s been twenty-four hours and I still haven’t heard back from Van.
In fact, since Tuesday night when I left his dorm, I have yet to hear from him.
I texted him last night to let him know my dad got me two tickets to the Twenty One Pilots concert as my Christmas present. I nearly jumped out of my shoes when I opened the gift box to find the tickets inside. I couldn’t wait to tell Van about it.
My enthusiasm has waned, though, since he hasn’t responded to my text. Kady’s patience has worn thin with me, too, as she scowls from the end of the couch where her laptop is propped on her lap.
“Stop fidgeting. You’re driving me crazy.”
I shift in my spot and put my heels underneath my butt. I’ve been trying to read the new book my mom bought me but my interest lies elsewhere.
It’s driving me absolutely crazy not hearing from Van. Maybe I’m deluding myself, but I really thought things were great between us. I mean, I practically dry-humped his brains out the other night and he gave me something no other guy has ever given me. So I suppose I shouldn’t complain. But I’m worried. Freaking out that he just used me and now is done with me.
My heart sinks in recognition of the despair I feel.
Kady warned me this could happen, but I didn’t believe her. “Van isn’t like that”, I told her, confident that he wasn’t like other guys and wouldn’t leave me hanging after we hooked up. I can tell she’s thinking it, but doesn’t want to rub it in by saying “I told you so.”
Now I feel like a complete and utter fool. What if we would have gone further the other night? I could’ve given him my virginity and never heard from him ever again. What a loser I am.
Now I’m just a broken-hearted virgin. One thousand times worse than just being a plain old virgin.
I guess I should be thanking him for not pressuring me to give it up. That’s what I don’t understand. When we’re together, he is sweet and considerate. He asked for my permission at every juncture. Other guys would never ask, they’d just assume and take. Unlike some of Cade’s other player friends, there is nothing about Van that screams ‘player’.
I reread this damn page for the third time and finally decide to just give it up, sighing loudly as I snap the book shut and toss it on the end table. Kady peers up over her laptop, eyebrows practically reaching her hairline.
“Speak.” She demands, closing the lid and stretching out her legs across the cushions, her toes touching my thighs.
“I think I did something wrong.”
Kady jumps up onto her knees on the cushions between us, slapping them in the process as I shift from the sudden movement. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why the hell is that the first possible answer with you? Why would it have anything to do with what you’ve done or should’ve done? It’s all on him, Ky. He’s being the asshole if he’s ghosting you. If he’s too stupid to see what he has with you, then fuck him.”
It’s just like my sister to come to my defense. And I appreciate that. She always has my back. She’s right, too. I do always take on the responsibility of whatever goes wrong. It’s just part of my personality make-up. I can’t help who I am any more than she is who she is. Kady’s the lioness. And I’m the cowardly lion.
“Fuck him, who?” My brother chimes in, stepping in from the hallway adjacent to the family room.
We both respond simultaneously. “No one.”
Cade rolls his eyes facetiously, glancing from one to the other. “Riiiight.” He plops down between us. “So who’s having the boy problems? Maybe big brother can help.”
His arms go around our shoulders and he squeezes us into him, as we both try unsuccessfully to squirm out of his hold.
“Go away, Cade.” Kady says, shooing him with her hand. “You stink and you weren’t invited to this conversation.” She sniffs the air as if something rancid permeates it. She’s just being a brat. Cade smells fine.
“Oh come on…I smell awesome. And who better to give you boy advice than me? Let me have it…”
I tilt my head in his direction. He actually seems sincere for once and I’m a little in awe over his genuine offer.
Kady obviously doesn’t see it. “Why don’t you go make out with your girlfriend, already, and leave us alone.”
Cade takes it all in stride, removing his arm from her shoulder, but keeping it securely around mine. He knows where the love is.
His tone turns solemn. “Ainsley’s busy today. I can’t see her until later tonight.”
Oh, my poor brother. So in love with his girl and feeling neglected. Cue miniature violin solos.
<
br /> We all know how dedicated Ainsley is with the two jobs she works to support herself and her younger sister, all while attending nursing school. I’ve gotten to know her over the last several months and found her to be such a great person. She has been a great influence on my brother.
“So that means you’re stuck with me today, girls. So…tell me what I can help with.”
My eyes gravitate to Kady, who gives me a shoulder shrug and an expression that clearly tells me, “it’s up to you.”
I figure it couldn’t hurt to share this with Cade. I won’t mention Van or anything, but just my predicament in general. To get a guy’s perspective.
I sigh, pulling my feet out from underneath me. “Okay…so here’s the scoop. And don’t go getting all judgey, okay?” I eyeball him. “I like a guy. I thought he liked me. We kinda hooked-up...”
His head snaps to me and his mouth opens wide. “Wait, what? Did he de-virginize you?”
I groan and Kady smacks him on the shoulder. “You idiot,” she scolds. “That’s not even a word and it’s none of your freaking business.”
He starts to refute this fact but she slams her palm across his mouth before he can speak. “Shut it, or she won’t tell you anything more.” She gives me a meaningful look.
His response is muffled. “Fine.”
“So anyway,” I continue. “I thought we were good…like really good. But now I’m questioning my instincts. I’ve heard nothing from him in nearly two days. So maybe he’s decided he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I don’t know. I’m confused. And sorta hurt.”
Cade grows quiet for once. He’s normally a chatterbox, always talking away to anybody and anyone. When I turn to face him, I see the frown and the concern etched across his brow.
“Since I don’t know anything about this guy…”
Um, you kind of do. But I’m not about to mention that.
“I can’t know what’s causing the lack of communication. But generally there’s two reasons a guy will ghost you. The first is simple. He lacks the balls to tell you face-to-face that he doesn’t want to continue things. It sucks, ’cause we guys are notorious for this move. We figure if we quit responding to the chick’s texts and calls, they’ll just go away on their own.”
He gives me an apologetic look. God, I hope that’s not the case with Van.
My brother continues. “He might also be scared.”
“Scared?” I spit out incredulously. No way would Van be scared about talking to me.
“Again, guys don’t want to look like fools and rush in, only to get rejected. So the fear prevents us from doing the right thing and sharing our true feelings. We’d rather put a stop to things before they start so we can’t get our hearts broken.”
“Aw,” my sister whines sarcastically. “Did our big brother get his heart broken?”
“Shut the fuck up.” He argues, giving Kady a good-natured shove so she topples over laughing. Those two.
“Is that what happened between you and Ainsley?”
“Nah…my balls are too big for that.” He snickers, grabbing between his legs crudely. “In our situation, it was kind of the other way around. But regardless, it probably has nothing to do with you, per se, Ky, and more to do with him. He’s probably shitting bricks that you’ll not like him the way he does you and he doesn’t want to face that reality.”
Kady pipes in. “That’s exactly what I said!”
She peers around Cade’s broad body to stick her tongue out at me like a brat. “You just never listen to me, even though I’m clearly always right.”
I give her the middle finger and we all laugh. It feels good to be surrounded by my family. I really love my siblings and I’m pretty lucky to have the relationship we have together. I know it’ll only make it ten times harder when we all return to school in January, but for right now, I’ll soak in all the love I can get from these two.
“So who’s the guy, anyway? You want me to rough him up for you? Punch some sense into him?”
I actually think Cade might be serious about that. Which would only make it worse if he ever finds out it’s Van that we’re talking about. My goodness, that would be ugly.
I pat his hand gingerly. “Thanks, bro. But I’ll figure this out from here. I appreciate the insight, though. It does help.”
Cade leans down and kisses my temple gently. “Anytime, sis. But the offer’s always good, anytime you need me.”
My eyes well with tears at the sweet sentiment as his phone buzzes with an incoming text notification. Pulling it out of his pocket, he opens the box and I hone in on the sender name.
Van.
This reminds me of the last time this happened, and a stone of worry gathers in my stomach. I don’t want to seem obvious, so I try to read it out of the corner of my eye, but he’s too quick and shuts down the screen.
“Well, girls, I’m outtie. I gotta go pack up some leftovers and head home to hang out with the boys. But I’ll see you on Friday at my place, right? We can do shots for your birthday.”
First off, I’m more than a little curious about the text he just got from Van. Obviously his phone isn’t broken, since he’s texting my brother. And secondly, I’d forgotten about the upcoming party. It’ll be all the usual suspects…guys from the team…some high school friends…Van. Me. Can you say uncomfortable?
“Oh geez…don’t go spending too much on our birthday present, there, bro.” Kady snipes.
“Hey…I’ll have you know that I’m buying top shelf tequila for you two. So shut it, or you won’t get any.”
Cade clamps his hand together like a clam shell, before he leans down and gives us both quick kisses on top of our heads. He heads out, leaving me to put the puzzle pieces together over what’s going on with Van and me.
My sister interrupts my thoughts. “Just let it go, Ky. He’ll either respond or he won’t. Either way, don’t sell yourself short and don’t keep sending him texts. You’re not one of those desperate girls.”
I know she’s right. I know it. But I am desperate to know what’s going on with him. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just want to know what I did to make him disappear like this.
Goddamn boys. Why do they have to be so dumb?
16
Van
It’s Kylah’s birthday today. December Twenty-ninth.
It’s been over a week since I last saw her and a day before the concert she invited me to attend with her.
I left her hanging without any explanation and I hate myself for it.
I’m scum. I’m lower than pond scum.
The fact is, I didn’t have the wherewithal to deal with anything else after the whole Lyndsay text. She threw me for a loop and my brain was just fried. Emotional overload. I didn’t have anything I could give Kylah in the way she needed me.
Kylah’s a sweet girl and deserves someone who isn’t fucked up in the head right now. After Lyndsay dropped the bomb on me, it unraveled everything I thought I felt. I thought I was doing great until she told me she and Cody broke up.
The thing is, I don’t love Lyndsay anymore. I know that. That level of connection was broken the minute she admitted to lying and cheating on me. There’s also no way I’d ever get back together with her, regardless of what amends she tries to make.
The problem is that I lost a great deal more than just a girlfriend. I lost my faith in humanity. Yes, I realize that sounds extreme. I shouldn’t take my displaced anger over Lyndsay out on the general population, but it’s a little hard not to hold a grudge. It’s difficult to let go and believe that not everyone is capable of ruining your trust.
Here’s the kicker. I feel I’m doing the exact same thing to Kylah. We’d grown to be friends. We’d become close. Physically and emotionally close. She put her faith in me when she shared her confusion and unhappiness over her mother’s engagement news. She let me comfort her and hold her…and then practically maul her after opening up to me.
And how do I repay her for that?
/> Shit. I’m a fucking dickhead.
Thankfully, we’ve had practices and strength training the last couple of days, so I’ve been able to push away my growing conflict over my predicament and focus on the art of basketball. Working out helps assuage my guilt to some level.
My biceps and triceps strain as I do bench presses in the weight room. Cade’s spotting me, standing overhead in support, as he shouts out what should be words of encouragement. I know for a fact those encouraging words would change in a hot instant if he knew what I did to his sister.
“Come on, you pussy. My sister could press more than you, asshole.”
Oh shit. He can read my thoughts. My eyes pop open at the mention of his sister and my arms struggle to stay above my head. They shake in their quest for relief and I grunt out for help. Cade grabs hold of the bar and helps me place it back in the rack.
I pull myself up to a sitting position, grabbing for the towel to wipe off the sweat that’s dripping from my head.
“Jesus, Van. You okay? Didn’t think you were going to make it through that last set.”
Cade hands me the bottle of Gatorade and I gulp it down, giving myself some time to think about my response and to catch my breath.
“I’m fucked up, man.” I confide, uneasy with sharing too much of my personal shit. Thankfully, I trust Cade. He’s a good friend. And I know he’s gone through his share of relationship hell.
“What’s going on?” He takes a seat at the bench across from me. There’s only a handful of guys left in the gym, and most are over in the far weight room.
I breath heavily. “I’ve met someone. I really like her.”
Cade nods his head with enthusiasm, a smile growing across his face. “That’s good to hear, man. You deserve it after all that shit with your ex. So what’s the problem? She not putting out?” He chuckles at his joke, which he wouldn’t find humorous if he knew it was Kylah he was unknowingly discussing.
I huff out a laugh. “Um, no, that’s not the problem. It’s Lyndsay.”