Bang Up

by Jeff Strand

  "I'd rather you know that me telling him no was the truth."

  "I can't take the risk of knowing that you told him yes."

  "I don't like this idea."

  "We're not lovers," said Myra. "We're friends with benefits. Our relationship doesn't need a foundation of honesty."

  "I'm going to tell him no," said Kirk.

  "Yes, just like that. You've got the idea."

  "I mean that I'm genuinely going to tell him no."

  "You didn't even have to practice. You're good at this." She gave him a kiss on the cheek. "See you Thursday?"

  "I shouldn't have said anything."

  "Correct. But you can't squeeze the toothpaste back into the tube."

  "Fine. Yeah, I'll see you Thursday."

  * * *

  When Kirk received an e-mail from Ralph asking if he'd reconsidered, Kirk decided that, to be respectful, he should decline the offer in person.

  Once he'd decided that, he was forced to admit to himself that, yes, he would be taking the thousand bucks.

  3

  "You're doing the right thing," said Ralph, sliding an envelope across the table to Kirk. This time they were in a bar, which seemed like a more appropriate location to be discussing such a seedy matter.

  "I'm ninety-nine percent sure that I'm not," said Kirk.

  Ralph shrugged. "Still, a thousand bucks is a thousand bucks."

  "Yeah, and a duck-billed platypus is a duck-billed platypus. What the hell does that even mean?"

  "It means that..." Ralph thought for a moment, then frowned. "I dunno, I guess it means you should be happy that you'll have a thousand bucks. What changed your mind?"

  "Realizing that my self-respect was an illusion."

  "I totally understand."

  "I bet you do."

  "You should move the envelope off the table."

  Kirk took the envelope off the table, folded it, and shoved it into his pocket. It felt good to have five hundred dollars in his pocket all at once. It was not a sensation he'd ever experienced before.

  "How is this going to work?" Kirk asked.

  "Book club. The first Tuesday of every month, which is tomorrow, Julie goes to the library to discuss some fancy-ass book, usually some crap that takes place in the olden days. You're going to go, and you're going to agree with the points she makes. You're going to make her feel smart as shit. They don't allow booze in the library, so when it's over you're going to ask if she wants to continue the book discussion over a glass of wine. You'll take her out, crank the charm up to ten, and when you feel like the moment is right, you'll invite her back to a hotel room. After that, you'll be an incompetent lay, and your job is done."

  "So I have to read a book?"

  "Yeah."

  "I want an extra hundred bucks if there's reading involved," said Kirk.

  Actually, Kirk was an avid reader, though his tastes ran more to mysteries and thrillers than historical fiction. But he suspected that a guy like Ralph was no fan of the written word, and he'd agree that having to read a book justified hazardous duty pay.

  "You can skim it," said Ralph.

  "If I'm trying to seduce your wife, that'll require full comprehension of the book. I'll probably have to read it twice. I'll have to underline key passages."

  Ralph shuddered. "Okay, okay, I'll throw in an extra hundred bucks for the reading part."

  "By the way, it doesn't need to be a hotel. I live alone."

  "I don't want her at your place. Too intimate. Tell her you still live with your parents."

  "If I tell her that I'm almost thirty and still live with my parents, she's not going to want to go to a hotel with me, either."

  "Then tell her you have a roommate."

  "Again, if I'm almost thirty and I can't have a lady over because I've got a roommate, I'm not getting laid. I've only seen the one picture, but Julie looks like somebody who prefers the mattress to be on an actual bedframe."

  Ralph sighed with frustration. "Tell her you have relatives visiting from out of town."

  "So I'm abandoning my relatives to hook up with somebody?"

  "For fuck's sake, tell her they're fumigating your place!"

  "That's an obvious lie."

  "Who cares if it's an obvious lie? She's committing adultery. She'll be lying, too!"

  "Fair enough," said Kirk. "What if she doesn't want to come back to the hotel?"

  "Ask if you can see her again, and set up another date. It might take two or three tries. I'll reimburse you for food and drinks, but, y'know, keep it reasonable."

  "And what if she's not interested in getting drinks with me?"

  "If Julie won't bang you, then it's safe to say that she won't bang anyone but me, and I'll know that I overreacted. Win for me, I guess."

  "How far do I push it?" Kirk asked. "Just to be clear, no means no. I'm not touching her without enthusiastic consent."

  "Oh, yeah. That's a given. The whole point is that she wants you bad. Charm her out of her panties but leave her drink alone. Don't be pushy or desperate."

  "Do I still get paid if nothing happens?"

  Ralph nodded. "If you make it to the third date and she doesn't jump your bones, you'll get the other five hundred bucks."

  "People still say 'jump your bones'?"

  "Sure, why wouldn't they?"

  "I dunno. I hadn't heard it in a while. I assumed it had been retired."

  "Some phrases will never die."

  "What about doing stuff but not actually inserting?" Kirk asked. "Let's say our first date goes well but she's not ready to go all the way yet. When do I start the ineptitude?"

  "The phrase 'going all the way' has definitely been retired," said Ralph.

  "No, it hasn't."

  "That died in the '80s."

  "We must run in different circles."

  "I guess so. Do you still say 'boff'?"

  "I never said boff," Kirk told him. "Never."

  "That's a shame."

  "Getting back to my question. What if she's not ready for sex but wants to make out? Should I be slobbery?"

  "I hadn't thought about that," Ralph admitted. "No, bring your A-game until you're actually in bed. I won't get my money's worth if she's disgusted by you before she decides to sleep with you."

  "Got it."

  "Any other questions?"

  "Are you going to confront her about it afterward?"

  "Nope."

  "What if she confesses?"

  "She won't."

  "If she's never cheated on you before, she might be so wracked with guilt that she tells you what she did. I need to know how you'll react."

  "Are you asking if I'll beat the shit out of her?"

  "I was thinking more about yelling and screaming. But the proper answer is that you'll give her a hug and tell her that you forgive her. You won't try to make her feel like garbage. You won't hold this over her head. You will work it out peacefully and then you will never bring it up again."

  "Agreed," said Ralph.

  "I'm very serious about this," said Kirk. "I will be doing a follow up. If I find out that you turned into an angry husband, I will put you in the hospital. That's not an empty threat. I'm not saying that I'll kill you, but there will be broken bones galore."

  Ralph's eyes narrowed. "Are you threatening me?"

  "Yes. I mean, I literally just said that it wasn't an empty threat. Those were my exact words. I'm absolutely threatening you. I wasn't trying to tiptoe around it."

  Ralph took a drink of his beer. "All right."

  "All right, meaning you're cool with the idea that I'm going to put you in the hospital if you don't immediately forgive her?"

  "Yeah. I get what you're saying."

  "I'm not bluffing. I'll follow up. And micro-aggressions count."

  "You have nothing to worry about. I think this will bring Julie and I closer together."

  "I hope it does," said Kirk. "So her book club is tomorrow night?"

  "Yep. You've got some homewor
k."

  4

  Margarite's Dilemma was a historical romance about a young woman named Margarite who would presumably encounter some sort of dilemma, though the narrative hadn't reached that point yet. There was a lot of description of dresses in it, as if the author had treated her research on 1850's dresses like a butcher who was determined to use every single part of the pig. There were also a lot of odd similes.

  As Kirk sat in bed and read, slowly and with much mental pain, he tried to locate snippets of dialogue he could quote to impress Julie. Unfortunately, nothing these characters said bore any resemblance to anything a real-life human being would ever utter, regardless of the century, and if she didn't get the reference he'd just sound like a douche.

  Was he a bad person for agreeing to do this?

  Yes. Indeed he was. But he was a bad person with a thousand bucks.

  He struggled with the book until 2:30 AM, at which point he decided he'd better go to sleep since he had to be up at 7:00. If this went well, maybe he could get out of being a cashier by starting his own business.

  Inept Husbands: Is Your Wife Shopping Around For Alternative Penises? I'll Make You Look Good By Comparison! No Watersports. Reasonable Rates.

  Kirk had his usual recurring dream where he was in a hot tub with a trio of supermodels, although in this incarnation of the dream they all decided to cover each other with whipped cream and chocolate sauce, which made the hot tub water all mucky and spoiled the mood, so everybody just left the tub and quietly retreated to individual showers.

  The next day at work was fine. Three people made the joke, "I guess it's free!" when an item wouldn't properly scan (half the usual number) and Kirk pretended to be delightfully amused each time.

  When he got home, he took a long and thorough shower, then put on his most seductive dark blue dress shirt and a pair of black slacks. He spent ten minutes making sure it looked like he'd woken up that morning with flawless hair. Cologne was always risky, so he decided to go with his natural scent. He'd leave it to others to gauge his level of physical attractiveness, but he'd done everything he could to make himself enticing to a restless spouse.

  He spent another hour making sure he could speak intelligently about the book, then drove to the library.

  The book club was in a small conference room. There were chocolate chip cookies on the table that looked homemade, along with a bowl of punch and some plastic cups. Three women, all significantly older than Julie, were seated in the room. They did not look unhappy to see Kirk.

  "Am I in the right place for the book club?" he asked.

  "You certainly are," said one of the ladies, patting the empty seat next to her.

  Kirk sat down. Julie wasn't here yet, but he was a few minutes early, so that was nothing to worry about.

  "We're thrilled to see a new face," said the woman next to him. "What made you decide to join us?"

  "I'm all about discussing literature," said Kirk. "And Margarite's Dilemma is one of my all-time favorite books. I could analyze those themes until the cows come home."

  "Very nice. Help yourself to cookies and punch."

  Kirk took a couple of cookies and a full cup of punch. An unexpected fringe benefit of the job. He made small talk with the ladies as a couple of other women entered the room, all of whom seemed very pleased to see the male stranger in their midst.

  "Well, it's six o'clock, so we'll get started," said a woman who didn't seem to realize that they couldn't start yet because Julie hadn't arrived. The cookies were really fucking good, but not so fucking good that he wanted to be trapped here for a couple of hours without her.

  The door opened, and Julie walked in. She was about ninety percent as attractive as her picture, which was an amazing accomplishment. Kirk was not the type of person to look at a woman and think, "Oh, yeah, I'd like to tap that sweet ass," but she definitely would've caught his eye even if he weren't being paid to seduce her.

  "Sorry I'm late."

  "You're not late. You're right on time. Sit down and have cookies and punch."

  Julie sat down across from Kirk and smiled at him. She had a radiant smile. Like the others, she seemed quite happy about his presence in the room.

  "Since we have a newcomer to the group, why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselves?" said the woman next to Kirk, standing up. "I'm Agatha. I retired from teaching three years ago. My favorite author is Agatha Christie, and not just because we share the same name." Everybody chuckled. She sat back down and patted Kirk on the arm. "I make that joke every time."

  When the introductions reached Julie, she said: "Hi, I'm Julie. I love to read to escape reality. My life isn't very exciting. And these cookies are delicious."

  Kirk was up last. "Hi, everyone, I'm Kirk. I was a firefighter for six years, but I had to give it up. It doesn't matter how many people you save, if just one person dies in your arms...well, it was more than I could handle. I guess I'm too sensitive. I'm here because it's rare that a book moves me to tears, but Margarite and her dilemma did it."

  "Thank you, Kirk," said Agatha. "We look forward to getting the male perspective on this book. We like to start with overall impressions before we get to the nitty-gritty, so would anybody like to begin?"

  Julie raised her hand.

  "Go ahead, Julie."

  "This book was terrible. Complete garbage. I wanted to throw it against the wall except that I was reading it on my Kindle. I may burn it anyway. Not one element of this book worked. Did Margarite even have a dilemma? If she did, I must have missed it. And the author didn't get 1850's dresses right."

  Kirk frowned. He wondered if the ladies would rat him out if he tried to backtrack on his "one of my all-time favorite books" comment.

  "You're right about that last part," said Agatha. "The dress thing completely took me out of the story. Research is important. But I enjoyed the book, overall. Some of the supporting characters had me howling. What about the lady with the obese cat? And how she kept trying to say he wasn't obese? I'm laughing now just thinking about it."

  "Okay, the cat lady was kind of funny," Julie admitted. "So one page out of five hundred and eighty had merit. It was like the author had never read a novel herself and wrote this book based entirely on other people's descriptions of what they were like."

  "That's rather harsh," said Agatha. "Kirk here considers it one of his all-time favorites."

  Julie looked at him. "Seriously?"

  "Uh...yeah, I may have said that, but I'm pretty easy to please."

  "This book, Margarite's Dilemma, is one of your all-time favorites?"

  "Now, now," said Agatha. "Don't be a Judgy Julie."

  "I'm not being judgmental. I'm just flabbergasted. If somebody says that their favorite movie is Baby Geniuses 2, you're going to be surprised."

  "I may just have been in a good mood when I read it," said Kirk.

  "What did you like about it?"

  "Well, y'know, the cat, of course. And there was some halfway decent symbolism."

  Then Kirk wondered why he needed to commit to his lie. His real thoughts about the book mirrored Julie's. Why pretend otherwise?

  "Okay," he said. "I'll be honest. The book was dogshit. Are we allowed to say dogshit in here?"

  "It's frowned upon," said Agatha.

  "Then I apologize. But, yes, Margarite and her non-existent dilemma sucked. I just didn't think it was appropriate to come to your book club and crap all over your choice. 'Crap' is okay, right?"

  "It's also frowned upon," said Agatha.

  "I didn't want to offend anybody by criticizing the book you selected."

  "Oh, we trash these books all the time," said a woman who'd introduced herself as Tina-with-a-T. "That's part of the fun. It's boring to discuss books we enjoy."

  The other women all nodded.

  Kirk popped a cookie into his mouth. "Good to know."

  For the next two hours, they analyzed the literary flaws in excruciating detail. Agatha kept touching Kirk's arm, though
she never lingered. Kirk made friendly eye contact with Julie several times, and he always had to look away first. He would have complimented her insights on the novel even if she said, "Some of them words is too darned long!" but she spoke intelligently and eloquently (if angrily) about the work, and she smiled every time he agreed with one of her points.

  "It's eight o'clock," said Agatha. "Thank you everyone for another fine discussion. And thank you Kirk for joining us. I hope we'll see you next month."

  "I'm sure you will," he said.

  The ladies pushed back their chairs and began to leave the conference room. Agatha placed her hand on Kirk's arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. "What are your plans for later tonight?" she asked.

  "Oh, um, just, you know, stuff to do. Things."

  "I don't see a wedding ring."

  "No, ma'am. No wedding ring," he said, hoping that his use of "ma'am" would steer this in a different direction.

  "Girlfriend?"

  "Sort of. Depends which one of us you ask."

  "May I be blunt with you?" she asked, not removing her hand.

  "Yes?" said Kirk, not sure why he asked it as a question.

  "I think my granddaughter would adore you. She says she's a lesbian. I'm not opposed to her being one, but given the choice between her dating women and her dating men, I'd prefer that she date men. It just makes life easier for everyone. Her partner is one of those masculine lesbians—there's a term for them, but I don't remember what it is. It's one of those words where my granddaughter and other lesbians are allowed to use but it would be offensive if I said it."

  "Then you probably shouldn't say it," Kirk suggested.

  "But do you know which word I'm talking about?"

  "No, sorry."

  "Anyway, her partner is very nice. I just believe that a woman shouldn't look like she'd win an arm wrestling contest against a man. It's simply not the way God meant our bodies to develop. I think that if I introduced you to my granddaughter, she might realize that there are other options."

  "How long has she been with her partner?"

  Agatha thought for a moment. "About three years."

  "Yeah, she's fully homosexual. I'm pretty sure that by now she's aware that romantic love can exist between two different genders. I'm not going to break up a committed relationship. You'll have to accept her the way she is."