Heart's Darkness

by H D A Roberts

  "Sure it did," Palmyra said, giving a theatrical wink. Hopkins sniggered.

  I muttered darkly under my breath as another withdrawal symptom made its presence known, and I sprinted for the lavatory. I'll spare you the gruesome details, but suffice to say it wasn't pleasant, and by the time I'd staggered back to bed, I felt like I'd been wrung out by an enraged gorilla and left to dry in a blender.

  I toppled into bed and Palmyra touched my cheek. I felt Magic and the pains eased a little.

  "I can't do too much, Matty. If I interfere, it could mess up your own system's detox, and we don't want that."

  "S'okay," I said, "There are drugs."

  "Ah, Pureborn medicine," Palmyra said with a sneer, "why don't you just get a bucket of leeches and have yourself bled while you're at it?"

  "Doing both would be redundant, seeing as both treatments remove blood from the body," I said.

  "Well, look at Mister Smartypants, thinks he knows more than the Lifeweaver?"

  "First, that's Lord Smartypants to you... and yes."

  Palmyra laughed and pulled a blanket around my curled up body.

  "You laugh now, I get this every week," Hopkins said.

  "I missed debate night those first few weeks," I said, "there's nobody fun to argue with in that wretched school."

  Hopkins smiled and dropped herself into one of my more comfortable armchairs.

  "How much did you spend making this place as comfortable as humanly possible?" Hopkins asked, putting her feet up on a stool.

  "I try not to ask Tethys those questions. It makes me feel guilty."

  "So... a lot?" she persisted.

  "More than a lot. But worth every penny, you've seen my library."

  "Love that room so much!" Palmyra said, "It's nerd heaven in there. Have you seen the graphic novel section?"

  "Seen it, felt great shame over my brother's hobbies, blocked it out of my mind," Hopkins said with a grimace.

  "So that wasn't his signed copy of 'The Dark Knight Returns' on your coffee table?" Palmyra said slyly.

  "I've been looking for that!" I complained.

  We chatted for a while, but I got the distinct impression that I was being watched, like I might expire at any moment. So I decided to go for a little walk (while I still could, and all).

  "Don't leave the house," Hopkins said, "We don't want you catching a cold."

  "I'm a grown man, you know," I said, walking out the door.

  "And wrap up warm!" Hopkins said.

  I walked slowly towards Tethys' study, trying to ignore the stomach problems, swallowing a little hard. The sweating was back, too...

  I raised my hand to knock on her door.

  She opened the door and pulled me clear off the floor and into her arms.

  "Oh, I'm so glad to see you!" she said, putting me down so she could hug me more conventionally (and thoroughly).

  "I would have been there when you woke up, but your sisters threw me out. They... they weren't sure you'd be you. You are you, right?"

  I gave her a look and a raised eyebrow.

  She smiled and pulled me into another crushing hug.

  "Naturally," she said, "like anything could change you."

  She looked me up and down, "You don't look well," she said.

  "You know how I was never supposed to use Black Magic, and everyone told me it wasn't good for me?"

  "Vaguely," she said with a smile, pulling me gently into her study and settling me down on the sofa.

  "Well, it turns out they were right, who'd have thought?" I said, returning her smile

  "Isn't it a pain when other people are right?" she said, leaning her head on my shoulder, her nose twitching, "I'm not smelling nice things, Matty."

  "Sorry. And from what Lucille tells me, I'm not going to get more fragrant for a while."

  "We'll survive; but you're going to be alright?"

  "Of course. I'm always alright."

  "You always say that, and then some other terrible thing happens to you."

  "And then I'm always alright."

  She shook her head.

  "How's Kandi?" I asked.

  "Better, if a little blue. I'll do some naughty things to her later, she'll perk right up. She's a little conflicted about stopping what you did to her father. Why'd you let her, by the way?"

  "Her Father, her choice. And I didn't take all my modifications out."

  She laughed again, "You sly monster, you! I knew you'd done something crafty, I could feel it in my water!"

  "It's just a tiny Asimov, he won't even notice it's there... unless he tries to kill someone, or hurt someone, or looks at you funny, or Kandi, or her mother, or a whole bunch of other... best not to dwell."

  She chuckled happily, leaning against me.

  "How's Cassie?" I asked.

  "Well... there we may have a tiny problem..."

  Cassandra wasn't doing well.

  I found her face down in her bathtub (empty, thank God), several bottles of whiskey (also empty) strewn around her bathroom. She was snoring heavily and drooling onto her bundled-up suit jacket. I shook my head and lowered myself to the ground next to her tub.

  I looked her over, and she was still rather hammered. I cleared the alcohol out of her system and used my Will (which hurt, by the way. Any Magic hurt) to carry her to her bed. I laid her down, and smoothed out the pulled muscles while I waited for her to wake up.

  She groaned as she awoke, her hands going to her head.

  She opened her eyes and quickly went pale, freezing as she saw at me, her hand going instinctively to her holster.

  "Still me," I said with a smile, "You can ask Lucille, if you like."

  She closed her eyes, and tears started trickling down her cheeks. I moved over and took her hand, but she shook me off.

  "No!" she said, "You were exposed, and it's my fault. You should be corrupted. You should be stained!"

  "I'm not," I soothed, "I'm fine."

  "You used the Black!" she almost shouted, "Nothing's going to be alright again! And it's because of me! I wasn't fast enough or good enough, and now you're a monster!"

  "I am bloody not!"

  "Yes, you-"

  "Listen!" I barked, and she actually shut up. I tried not to enjoy the first time that had ever happened, "Even if I was stained, even if I was using the Black, which I'm not, I'm the one who decides who I am, what I am. I am no monster because I say so. Monsters don't love, they don't grieve and they don't care. I do. Now kindly stop this masochistic crap, because even if I'd gone dark, I'd have considered it a price well worth paying, because you aren't just my Warden, you're my friend, my family! And, so help me God, if you try to pin this mess on yourself I will kick your arse. Well, I'll try and you'll defenestrate me, but the principle stands."

  She stared at me while I talked. She stared for a long time afterwards.

  She nodded once, definitively.

  "I'm going to talk to your sister," she said.

  I nodded.

  "Could you help me up, first?" I asked, "I feel like crap, and I'm not sure I can do it on my own, and using Magic hurts."

  She sighed, but she smiled.

  "You really are a weed," she said, hefting me under the arm and lifting me to my feet, where I swayed, dizzy.

  "Want me to help you back to bed?" she said in a long-suffering way, a little more relaxed.

  "Would you?"

  "Sure. Stupid Shadowborn."

  That made me feel better.

  She had to catch me a couple of times as she walked me back to my room, but we made it without my face-planting.

  "Did you do something to me while I was out?" she asked, "I feel far better than I should."

  "Sorted the nine muscle sprains you'd accumulated from spending the night in the bathtub and detoxed your bloodstream."

  "That's a bit presumptuous, don't you think?" she snapped.

  "Sorry, I just wanted to help."

  She coughed and looked a bit guilty.

  "
No, I'm sorry. You know Black Magic's a bit of a hot button for me, and I'll try not to snarl at you, I know you don't mean any harm," she said, and then she stopped walking for a moment, "I know you'd never hurt me."

  That last said in a rather profound manner. She still looked miserable, though. It didn't take a genius to realise why.

  "It was a trap," I said, "You couldn't have done any better than you did, we were set up."

  "What?" she said.

  "Hopkins and Palmyra can tell you properly, but it looks like Solomon's been playing silly buggers."

  "I'm reserving judgement."

  "Yes, you wouldn't want to miss out on any self-flagellation, that would be crazy."

  "You want me to drop you? 'Cause I will," she said with a glare, but I saw the edge of her smile.

  "Seriously, Cassie," I said as we got to my door, she stopped, and I put my hand on her shoulder; she didn't flinch this time, "if I don't blame you, why the hell do you blame yourself?"

  "The same reason you carry all your guilt around, I guess. We both think we should be better."

  "Nobody can be their best being ambushed! And for what it's worth, you did a damn sight better than I could have hoped to."

  "Well of course I did, you're just a man, after all," she said with a smile, "We can't expect too much."

  I jabbed her ribs with my fingertips and she jolted with a very girly squeak before turning to glare and then laughing at me. She punched my shoulder and I wasn't ready, and she had to grab me before I fell over.

  "Come on, let's get you back into bed and we'll see what your sisters say."

  What followed was a long and involved conversation, which I didn't get much of; I was too busy in the bathroom again. I knew that they were discussing me, Cassandra desperately seeking confirmation of what I'd told her, and my sisters doing their best to provide it.

  I eventually dropped onto the bed in a shivering heap that Cassandra kept staring at. I think she was getting worried.

  "Has he eaten yet?" she whispered to Palmyra during a brief break in their talk, thinking I didn't, or couldn't, hear.

  "He's already thrown up twice, let his stomach settle first. He might be able to eat something tonight," Palmyra replied.

  "What day is it, by the way?" I asked, sitting up and immediately regretting it.

  "Saturday," Hopkins answered.

  "I missed a whole day of school?" I asked, "Oh, and I was supposed to meet Mary yesterday night, she's going to be pissed."

  "Kandi already called her, she said she'd come visit you tomorrow, if you're up for it?" Hopkins said.

  "Oh, she's going to make my life hell," I complained, "the last time I got a paper-cut, she didn't stop nagging for three hours, two of them after I'd fixed it right in front of her."

  "Yes, can't have that, that's really Kandi's thing," Cassandra said.

  I glared and collapsed, sinking into sleep before I'd noticed.

  I woke up with Pixies staring worriedly down at my face. Jewel was crying.

  "What's wrong?" I asked them, touching their faces gently with my (now slightly shaking) fingertips.

  "You're hurt," Melody said, her eyes shining.

  "I'm just a little sick, Melody, I'll get better."

  "We don't want you to die," Jewel said with a sob.

  "No we don't!" Meadow said.

  They fell on my chest and I held them as they cried.

  "I'm going to be alright, girls, I promise. I'm just a little bit ill."

  "You're sure?" Meadow said.

  "I am."

  "Promise us again?" Jewel said.

  "I promise. But I won't look good for a few days. After that I'll start to recover and everything will be fine again."

  Jewel sniffled and I stroked her back.

  From there, I wasn't left alone, and I did get steadily worse.

  Kandi came in just after seven that night, I didn't even notice, I was shaking so hard, focussing on not throwing up. She placed a cool hand on my cheek.

  "Hi," I managed, turning to smile at her.

  The Pixies were curled up on my sofa, next to a flickering fire, sleeping well enough. The TV was on low, showing something boring and gentle. The little Fairies were my designated watchers, self-appointed, I believed.

  "How are you feeling?" Kandi asked.

  "A little better, now. Are you okay? I know you had a rough go of it, and I'm sorry I've been too out of it to help."

  "Don't be dense," she said, lying down next to me, "What can I do? I'll do anything if it will help you."

  "Anything, eh?" I said, giving her a leer and then ruining it when a stomach cramp made me wince, which made her snort and swat my shoulder. She kissed my cheek very softly.

  "There aren't a lot of people in my life who are willing to do for me what you are, Matty," she said, holding my hand, "I wanted you to know how much that means to me. I haven't had much reason to trust men before you. I never thought that any of you were more than walking wallets, flash some cleavage, get money. But you... you're different."

  "You still flashed me."

  "Please, I got much further in my jammies than I ever did in a thong!"

  "That's because even your jammies are cut very low."

  "That, and you're just that little bit weird."

  "Can't disagree with you there. At least I'm the good kind of weird... most of the time."

  She laughed and rolled onto my chest.

  "Your sister says you're probably going to be out for a while," she said, "So I'm going to get you back up and running. It's my new hobby!"

  "Oh, not again! The last time, your physical therapy was worse than the poisoning!"

  "Do I have to start tickling you again?" she said menacingly.

  "With my dicky guts, I wouldn't recommend it."

  She laughed and snuggled in closer.

  "Don't worry, Matty, we'll get you better," she said gently.

  "I know," I said, squeezing her arm.

  Ah, if only it were that easy...

  Chapter 23

  I was actually starting to feel a little better the next day (if only a little); the symptoms seemed to come in waves, and I was at the (slightly) nicer end of one, but naturally the Universe couldn't have that, oh no.

  And of course, things went horrifically wrong at the worst possible time, while Mary was visiting.

  She and I were sitting in my room watching TV. Mary had already been through it like a small hurricane, tidying everything, forcing soup down me, and otherwise brightening up the place.

  "You do realise that Shadowborn thrive in the dark, right?" I asked after she'd opened the curtain and turned my headache up to eleven on account of the bright sunshine.

  "You need sunshine and vitamins, now shush and absorb your medicine," she said with a grin.

  I was about to reply when I heard the scream.

  A man's scream; long and loud and horrible.

  Mary tensed.

  So did I.

  Mira appeared.

  She was the avatar of the Grimoire, the store of every Black Magic spell and technique ever devised. She looked like an amalgam of all the women who bossed me around, all those I cared about. Her body was Tethys, along with her bone structure, there was a little Hopkins in the nose, some Cassandra in the lips, Kandi's freckles and Crystal's hair. Her eyes were mine and she wore Gabrielle's clothes. The whole ensemble was rather attractive, actually.

  Since I'd brought her home, she'd taken over the management of the house's defences. They were now ridiculously powerful, and nigh impenetrable.

  "Master, I think you should come, there's an army at the gates, and they've already taken shots at Cassandra, I had to kill some of them."

  Crap, see what I mean?

  "Kill?" I said, suddenly very alert and moving shakily towards the doors.

  "You told me to follow the Captain's orders," she said, "and that's what I did. They had your butler. I had no choice if I was to prevent them holding him hostage."


  "Bloody hell. Who are they?" I asked.

  "Unclear. Battle Mages, certainly. They've invaded the grounds and are approaching the front door. Definitely foreign, likely mercenaries as I don't think they know who you are. Nobody local would have been so foolish," she said, her face creasing in a snarl, "I have to go, the Captain is calling me. She's going to kill them, Mathew, and I have absolutely no compunctions helping her do it. They're here to murder you. That will not be permitted."

  "Please be careful, they may not be guilty of anything more than following orders."

  She nodded and vanished.

  I picked up my phone. No signal, probably jammed, should have known.

  This could have been anyone, I had too many enemies... but one in particular sprung to mind. One who had form for using patsies and proxies. I really was going to have to deal with him, soon.

  "What should I do?" Mary asked.

  "Stay here, you are perfectly safe. The house will protect you. I give you my word," I said, standing up.

  And then I fell back down again. Too shaky, my Magic too hard to use. This wasn't going to end well. I needed help. But what could anyone here do? Except kill the bastards...

  I couldn't stop it except by giving myself up, and I wasn't willing to die, I wasn't a martyr.

  "You know, a little Black Magic would clear this whole mess up."

  "Oh, please not now," I said with a groan as I finally noticed that Time had stopped again.

  Gabrielle... right on bloody cue.

  She placed a hand gently on my shoulder, tracing up to my neck with her fingertips.

  "It would be so easy," she said, "the Angel's already abandoned you. You use it once, and you're out as far as they're concerned. All that's left is me. And Us."

  "Gabby, please," I said, unable to keep the quiver out of my voice, "I'm begging you, please don't do this now."

  "Why?" she asked, perching next to me on the bed, "This is exactly the right time. Your Will is as weak as it's ever been. Your Magic is as far from you as it's going to get. This may well be the only real chance I get to convince you of the right path."

  "You owe me. Don't do this, please?" I begged.

  She kissed my cheek, then my lips. She released her glamour and let me see her true form as she slid onto my lap and wrapped her arms and legs around me; I felt her tail snake itself around my leg.