Heart's Darkness

by H D A Roberts

  That was the easy part. I then started crafting the Flesh Lattice that would re-grow my musculature and nerves. It wasn't going to be fun.

  "Hold off on that, Graves," Kron said, "Palmyra's on the way, we caught her at a busy moment."

  I nodded and took Tethys' hand with my now (mostly-working) spare. She squeezed, perhaps a little hard, her eyes on the mess.

  "I know, right?" I said to her, "You see idiots in zombie movies and you never believe it can happen to you."

  Tethys laughed and sobbed all at once, leaning her head against mine.

  "Stop making me laugh, this is not the time!" she said, grabbing on to my shirt.

  "Sorry, but I can't help it if I'm handy in a crisis," I said, waggling my mutilated limb.

  She trembled, and I felt tears on my neck.

  "I can't have you dying on me, Mathew," she whispered.

  "I'm not going anywhere."

  "But you're the one that gets murdered, Mathew," she said with another choke, waving at Kron, "They get to choose when they die, you get set on."

  "I'm still here," I said, "They look out for me; you keep me safe and happy. This was an aberration."

  "Which seems to happen a lot lately!"

  "It's the same root problem," I replied, "One which I will deal with as soon as Lucille's fixed my arm up."

  And speaking of the Lifeweaver...

  "Alright, what seems to be the proble- oh God, that's disgusting!" Palmyra said as she came into the garden.

  "Thanks Lucille, way to settle the patient," I said testily.

  "I was talking about your face," she said with a nasty smirk.

  Tethys burst out laughing and even Kron cracked a smile.

  "You know, I have centuries to come up with ways to get you back for things like this," I said with a glare. Palmyra just smirked back.

  Miss Jenkins came in with two glasses, one full of pink gloop and the other with water.

  She kept her eyes fixed rigidly above my head and away from the wound as she set the tray down next to me.

  "Thank you, Miss Jenkins," I said.

  "You will be alright, Sir?" she asked, swallowing hard.

  "I'm in good hands," I said cheerfully.

  She nodded and backed out with haste.

  "Drink the pink one," Palmyra said, "and hold your nose, it won't taste too good."

  I freed my hand from Tethys and picked up the glass, "What is it?"

  "Don't ask," Palmyra said with a grimace.

  I took a breath and downed it. The aftertaste was horrific, like raw eggs, milk and uncooked mincemeat, which I later found out was exactly what was in there...

  Palmyra sat next to me and got to work. She did a much quicker and more elegant job than I could have managed, and the wound quickly covered with skin before starting to fill out. It was warm and tingly, but not unpleasant.

  The look on Palmyra's face was a little worrying, though.

  "What is it?" I asked, as I started drinking the water.

  "Nothing," she said.

  I poked her side and she jumped, "Just tell me."

  She scowled, "Fine, you want to know? You should already be dead. Revenants' bites are poisoned; you should have died on the roof."

  Tethys looked like she was going to be sick.

  "This means something bad, doesn't it?" I asked.

  "It means that the Black's in you," Palmyra replied, "And because you are who you are, it means that the Black can't kill you any more than a Shadow could."

  "But I haven't been using it!" I protested, "I swear."

  "I know you haven't, dummy, but this likely means that if you ever do, then a detox won't help again. It's in you now and even the slightest use will mean that it's there forever. Even a minor exposure could do it at this point."

  "But I'm not bad yet, right?"

  She smiled at me, "No, you daisy. You're just more susceptible now, that's all."

  "Well, then why the grimace and the need to scare the crap out of me?!"

  "Don't be such a doily," she said, swatting my shoulder, but she seemed relaxed again.

  "You do these things just to see how I'll react, don't you?" I said with realisation.

  "Yup, the girlier the response, the less I worry. Currently you're still firmly at 'Shirley Temple', as girly as you were the first day I met you."

  I called a few Shadows and administered a quartet of pinches to her bottom, which made her squeal and spin before turning back to glare at me.

  "Oh, bad move, Graves," she said, her eyes narrowing, "Now it's very on!"

  "Bring it, Hippie Chick," I said with a matching glare, but we were both struggling not to grin.

  "Oh, you wanna go?" she said, "We'll go!"

  "Oh, I'll go... just as soon as you've finished fixing my arm."

  "Yeah, I'll fix it so I can shove it up my arse!"

  "You want to try that one again?" I whispered, nearly losing it.

  "Your! I meant 'your'. Stupid language! You know what I was getting at, you pervert!" she glowered, going bright red.

  "Why do people keep calling me that?" I asked.

  "The Succubus, the Nymphs, the Princesses, the frequently naked Pixies," Palmyra said immediately before taking a breath.

  "Alright, alright, for heaven's sake!" I said, going red myself.

  "The Redheads, the Vampires, the other Succubus, the Elves you think we don't know about, the Blonde Pureborn, the Half-Werewolf, the Pureblood Succubus..." Palmyra continued.

  "I have done nothing untoward with most of those!"

  "Most?" Palmyra said with an impish look, "Which ones are you willing to confirm? Jen and I have a running bet."

  "How do you two have nothing better to do?"

  She laughed and patted my newly healed arm, "All better," she said.

  "Oh, thank you," I said, clenching and unclenching my fist, "Again!"

  She grinned and helped me up, Tethys right next to me.

  "Now, who do I speak to about booking a dungeon?" she asked innocently.

  Chapter 29

  After Palmyra and Kron had left, with my thanks (and grovelling it was too), Cassandra finally arrived back at Blackhold and hugged me tightly enough to nearly throttle me. Kandi had apologised profusely for her weak stomach, and I had to hug the guilt out of her, something Tethys helped with (enthusiastically).

  I held my tongue and my smile until everyone was out of sight, and I was finally alone.

  They didn't need to see me cry.

  I broke down in my bathroom, crying for Maggie, who'd died because of a monster, and because I'd gotten involved in her life. I was there for a long time, grieving for her. I was all she'd had, really, her only friend in the world; the only one who would really grieve for her, and that made it even worse.

  I could only imagine what her last minutes of life were like, but the way her clothes and weapons had been damaged when I'd fought her Revenant, she hadn't gone peacefully. She'd fought, to the death as it turned out.

  And I hadn't been there to help her.

  I think that's what hurt most of all; what might have been if only I could have helped her, if only I'd been able to persuade her to call me when she needed help...

  But now it was too late, and she was gone forever. I'd never see her sweet smile again, never argue with her about movies or show her a new pastry.

  I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive myself for that. I knew, on an intellectual level, that it wasn't really my fault, that only Solomon was to blame for what had happened, but that didn't stop me from hurting, from blaming myself.

  And from missing her terribly.

  I kept my grief to myself. My people were already worried enough without adding my moping to the list of things to watch out for, but I doubted that I was entirely successful hiding it, especially where Tethys and Cassandra were concerned.

  It was decided that I should remain at Blackhold for a while, likely until Solomon had been tracked down and dealt with, and I couldn't muster up
a protest. I was perfectly happy to stay with the people I valued the most, where I could be ready to pounce if that bastard ever came back.

  And it was good for me, too. Between Tethys, Kandi, Demise and Cassandra, I was never alone for long enough to dwell and spiral, each distracting me in their own way, something I appreciated more than I can say.

  Tethys, especially, wouldn't let me out of her sight; I think that seeing me half eaten had shaken her a bit.

  The days passed slowly, and the grief... remained, but became easier to manage. Spending time with my friends was a great comfort. They kept me going, kept me laughing and thinking.

  A few days after the attack, Tethys and I were lying under the oak tree, reading. I had chosen an old novel; Tethys had her Financial Times (I think she picked it more to gloat than anything else, going by the grin on her face).

  She sighed after a while and put it down, before turning to look at me.

  "You know that I love you, right, Mathew?" she said, taking my spare hand.

  I put down my book and turned to her.

  "Of course. You know I feel the same about you?"

  She nodded.

  "And you know that I would never leave you? You know I'm not Cathy, right?" she asked, her voice vulnerable.

  I smiled warmly at her.

  "You know, it hadn't even occurred to me for a moment?" I said, pulling her knuckles to my lips, "Which is selfish and presumptuous, I know. But I never considered the possibility that you'd leave. Sorry."

  She smiled back at me, a tear in her eye, "Good," she said. She leaned up and kissed me, just a little thing, but it held a hell of a lot of meaning.

  She was no Cathy. She was stronger, and a far truer friend. We were different in a lot of ways, our outlooks on so many things. But deep down, where it really mattered, we were very similar. When we found someone we cared for, we didn't let go. We went to the end for them. She was my partner, my dearest friend, and even if she wasn't ready for more than that, it was enough just to have her in my life.

  And having her redhead around didn't hurt.

  "Hey!" Kandi said, stomping into the garden, "The least you two can do is not do that where I can see you, you know it confuses me something vicious!"

  Tethys pulled back and beckoned, "Sorry, Honey, come here, we'll make it up to you."

  "You'd better," she muttered.

  She came over and draped herself over our laps, her head in the crook of my arm and her legs where Tethys could stroke them. I ran my fingers through Kandi's hair and she sighed happily.

  "I love this," she said, "the three of us, like this."

  "Us, too, Honey," Tethys said, smiling at me. I squeezed Kandi's shoulder gently to show my agreement. She turned to smile at me.

  It was wonderfully peaceful and relaxing; I felt very at home in that moment. The nastiness of the world outside just faded away.

  "Are you the older one, Matty?" Kandi asked, "Of you and your brother, I mean?"

  "Nope, ten minutes younger," I said, "and he never let me forget it, either."

  "It's funny, you always seemed like the big brother type to me," Kandi said.

  "No, but I tried to be a good brother," I said, with a sigh, "I wish I could have done better by him."

  "Funny you should mention that, because I was having a chat with Jen the last time she was here," Tethys said, "Would you like to know what the other Archons think about you and your brother?"

  "I can't imagine they're happy thoughts."

  She snorted.

  "There are a lot of theories about how Archons are made, how they're chosen. For each one, the power seeks out a certain type. Time chooses someone careful and clinical, Life chooses someone compassionate and gentle, for example," she said.

  I paid close attention.

  "But that would mean that who we are is determined before we're even born," I pointed out.

  "Well, they're not sure about that. The consensus, according to Jen, is that the power of the Archons enhances certain potential personality traits in the growing Magician. They can't enhance what's not there, which is why the powers have to go to someone with those predispositions. Which leads us to you and Desmond. Historically, First Shadows have always cold and self-serving; bullies, for want of a better term, sound like someone you know?"

  I frowned.

  "So, you're saying... you're saying Des was supposed to be the First Shadow?" I said.

  "They think so," Tethys said.

  "So, all of this, everything I've done, it was never supposed to happen? I'm supposed to be the one rotting at the Farm?"

  I felt awful. Des was supposed to be here, not me? He was supposed to be sane and well? I was supposed to be the mess?

  "It doesn't work like that, Mathew, and besides, I know you better than that. If you'd set out kill your brother, you'd never have been caught."

  "How reassuring," I said dryly.

  Also true, but we're not dwelling on that idea.

  "Hopkins thinks that you were always supposed to be a Sorcerer, but you were supposed to be a Life Magician, at least that's what Kron and Palmyra think. Des was going to be a Wizard, but he was supposed to be a Death affinity. But then the process which chooses an Archon came down on you two, but somehow, instead of it going to Des, it went to you, and because twinned Magicians are always opposites, he got Light."

  I felt a little sick.

  I was supposed to be someone else entirely. Maybe even a better person; one that wasn't desperate for Black Magic and a danger to himself and others.

  "Why didn't they tell me?" I asked, miserably.

  Tethys turned to look at me, sudden worry in her eyes.

  "You can't think that this is a bad thing?" she said, "Think, Matty! Think of Des facing the things you have; what decisions would a person like that have made? Would those Pixies be alive? Would I? Would this house be anything other than a place of horror and misery? Would Cassandra be here? Where would Demise be?"

  Well... she had a point.

  "I'm sorry," I said, patting her arm, "I was just thinking on 'what-ifs', that's all."

  "I think you'd have made a good Life Mage, Mathew," Tethys said, "but I can't imagine anyone else in this house. Compassion is a great and rare thing, and we should all be very grateful that it's you, not Desmond. First Shadows are known to be the Archons' enforcers. They are generally loyal to the others, but nobody else. To other people they're brutish and monstrous; something to be feared. Des would have been a catastrophe, he went bad at a whiff of the Black, for heaven's sake, and here you are fighting it with every fibre of your being. Do you really think that this is an accident?"

  "I don't understand, you said that Hopkins thought it was," I said.

  "That's what she thinks. I think it has something to do with," she covered Kandi's ears, "our feathered friends."

  "I highly doubt that," I said, "I am nobody's choice for this sort of power."

  "Maybe it was the lesser of two evils?" Tethys replied impishly.

  "Oh thank you very much!"

  She laughed and then leant her head against mine, "Seriously, though, there are five Archons in all the world, and at a time when terrible things are happening, and all manner of awful decisions need to be made, I highly doubt that the choice of a compassionate man for this responsibility was an accident," she said, "I believe in you, Mathew Graves. I only wish you weren't so hard on yourself. Of course, if you weren't beating yourself up over things you had no control over, you wouldn't be you... so I'll just try to live with it."

  I smiled at her.

  "Thanks," I said, maybe feeling a bit better.

  Tethys had that effect.

  "I'd imagine the others think a lot about what might have been," I suggested.

  "I'd imagine something more along the lines of thanking God that they have you to deal with and not your crazy brother," Kandi chimed in.

  I tweaked her nose and she subsided.

  "I know that all of this can be hard on you, Ma
thew," Tethys said, "but if you could go back to the moment when this happened, knowing what you'd become and knowing that your burden that would be placed on your brother instead, would you change it?"

  "No," I said, looking at her right in the eyes.

  And you know why.

  She smiled; she understood and leaned over to kiss me.

  "Yeah, that's right, now undo the bra," Kandi whispered.

  We both looked down at her and the little redhead grinned mischievously.

  "I wonder what that meeting would have been like," Kandi said, her voice growing deeper, just a little bit husky "Life Magician Mathew and Tethys."

  Tethys shivered at the thought.

  "Ooh, Kandi, don't put thoughts like that in my head, you're the one who'll have to deal with them later," Tethys purred, her hands a little more busy on Kandi's legs.

  "I can just picture it now," Kandi continued, "young Mathew, brimming over with youthful innocence and good intentions, he descends into the Purple Pussycat for some benign cause, a girl perhaps, someone who needs help, you know his usual goody-two-shoes bit. He comes into your office, and there you are sitting at your desk... No, no! He catches you 'in flagrante' like he did the first time."

  Kandi paused as Tethys hands migrated up her leg a little further.

  "Go on," Tethys whispered, her eyes closed, licking her lips.

  "Must she?" I asked.

  Tethys leaned against me and put her arm around me. She slid her palm over my mouth and her nose hard up against my neck.

  "Go on," she repeated huskily.

  "Well, this time, honest, open, empathetic Mathew just stands there watching, his young hormones raging as he sees what you're doing to those beautiful young dancers. Maybe one of them has red hair."

  Alright, even I had to admit that Kandi told a good story, it was her tone more than anything else...

  "Dumbfounded, rooted to the spot, what can he do, but watch? And then you look up and you see him standing there. And you think, what have we here? How did he get past Molly? And so young, with such interesting eyes. What could he want? And then you decide that it doesn't matter, and you're standing next to him.

  "Now, our Mathew's as paranoid as a midget nun at a penguin-shoot, but this other Mathew... oh no, he's as trusting as a newborn and when you tell him that you're there to help, he believes you, and even though you haven't dressed, he trusts you and follows you into the back. You tell him that the girl he's looking for is fine, and that she's been fed and given a place to sleep. He thinks you're beautiful, so he trusts you even more, he's already half in love with you."