Charmer

by Loring, Kayley

  I bury my face in her neck and she strokes the back of my head, the way she did this morning, and I love it.

  My heart’s beating out of control and I may never get my breath back.

  This is just how it’s going to be for me, for the rest of my life—at the mercy of this dirty maternal angel.

  Singing to an audience of hundreds—thousands eventually—thinking only of her.

  Eventually, I pull out of her and we go about the business of becoming separate bodies, cleaning up and getting dressed.

  Eventually, she clears her throat and says, “I was thinking…if you want, we should have no-strings sex. With each other. Until the end of the tour. My mom can’t know. I don’t want Tate to know. But let’s do this.”

  The words ‘we should have sex with each other’ are good ones, but the ‘no-strings’ part hurts just a little.

  “That’s what you want?”

  She barely nods. “Yes.” It’s an unconvincing affirmation. She lifts her chin to look me straight in the eyes. “That’s what I want.”

  “So, instead of not getting involved while we’re on tour together, you want to only be involved while we’re on tour together?”

  “How would you feel about that?”

  “Like this might turn into a neverending tour.”

  “Nico.”

  “Like you’ll change your mind.”

  She rubs her lips together. Her eyes are watery and she’s looking at me like we’re saying goodbye instead of talking about starting something.

  “Katherine Dempsey. You’re always looking for the light around me. I’m hoping one day you’ll find it in me too. Because it’s there.”

  “I know it is.” She runs her fingers through my hair, voice trembling, rising to her toes to kiss my forehead and then all over my face. “You’re filled with it. I know. It’s like staring at the sun.”

  That’s when I know for certain.

  Everyone else had it wrong.

  This woman is going to break my heart, and I’m going to let her.

  And I’m not even going to worry about it.

  Because I know I can wait for her to come around and I have always known that she’s worth the wait.

  19

  Kat

  We’re at a rest area, somewhere outside New Orleans. The drive from Houston hasn’t been a particularly long one, but the fresh air feels good, even in this humid heat. Nico is doing fifteen minutes of cardio around the parking lot. My mother is in the ladies’ room “washing her hands,” and Tate and Ricky are playing Mario Kart. I really just want to film Nico doing shirtless jumping jacks, but I need to make a phone call in private, and I am not looking forward to it. So, I reply to Ivy’s message first. She asked how it’s going with Nico, and I send her a GIF of Kesha, all covered in sparkles and glitter. She sends back a Friends GIF of Chandler saying, “I KNEW IT!”

  We could go on like this all day, but I tell her I miss her and ask what’s up with Jared.

  She sends a GIF of an Orc saying, “Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!”

  I laugh and look up to see my mother come out of the restroom. She gives me a judge-y look.

  “Calling him now!” I mouth to her.

  She taps at her watch and strolls back to the bus.

  I text Ivy that I have to go, followed by a dancing sausage GIF.

  And now, it’s time to be a grown-up.

  I can’t put off calling Tate’s father for much longer. We have five more cities before Raleigh, and I need to let him know that we’ll be in town. Drew is a good guy. He certainly doesn’t qualify as a deadbeat dad, since he has always helped with financial child support, but he’s never been very involved with Tate. I try not to resent him for it, and yet I can’t help but be a little pissed off sometimes that he isn’t head over heels in love with his son. I’m nervous that he won’t even want to see him when we’re there. Ever since he started talking about this girlfriend of his, I’ve suspected that she isn’t comfortable with the fact that he has a son. And I worry that if he marries her, he’ll cut ties with Tate altogether.

  But that’s not happening yet.

  And I have to call.

  Drew answers his cell phone on the second ring. “Kat?”

  “Hi. Are you at work?”

  “Yes. Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

  “Oh. Good.” He sounds relieved, which is touching. “You hardly ever call so I thought it was an emergency.” And now he sounds a little annoyed, which is not so sweet. “What’s up?”

  “There’s no emergency, we’re fine. But I wanted to tell you that Tate and I will be in Raleigh for the day. On a Saturday. Saturday after next.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, we’re actually in Louisiana right now. I took a job, on tour with a musician. A friend of mine. Documenting things. And Lou and Tate are with us, touring across the country.”

  “Wow. Cool.”

  I wait for him to say something, anything else, but that’s it.

  “Yeah, it’s fun. Tate’s having a really good time. Anyway, we’ll be in Raleigh for the day, before the show. I was wondering if you’ll have some time. To hang out with Tate.”

  “Oh yeah? The three of us?”

  “I mean, if you want. Or I can just drop him off with you. For a few hours? I think he’d like that. I don’t know if you want to introduce him to your parents, or…”

  “I think they’ll be out of town,” he says, a little too quickly. “But sure. Yeah. I can find some time. My girlfriend usually makes plans for us on the weekends, but…yeah, I’ll work it into the schedule.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t want to tell him he’ll be seeing you if you’re going to cancel.”

  “I’m not going to cancel. I’ll make the time…There’s a children’s museum here. Would he like that?”

  “He would love that!”

  “Or, maybe…maybe just lunch? Something low key. I’ll figure something out and text you. That work?”

  “Sure. Yeah.”

  “Are you staying the night in Raleigh?”

  “We’ll get to the hotel there at night and I think we’re driving to D.C. right after the Raleigh show, actually.”

  “You’re driving?”

  “It’s a big tour bus. We have a driver. Tate’s having a blast.”

  “How is he? He’s still six, right?”

  “Yes. He’s great. Really great. He’s still into magic and card tricks.”

  “Uh oh.”

  “And he lost another tooth a couple of days ago!”

  “Oh yeah? Cool.”

  Well, that is a disappointing response. Nico was so excited about it. He tried to give me a hundred-dollar bill to put under Tate’s pillow from the Tooth Fairy, but I talked him down to twenty.

  “Listen,” he says. “I’m getting ready for a meeting, but I’m glad you called. See you when you’re here.”

  “Yeah. Great. Bye.”

  He hangs up without saying goodbye.

  That was not as bad as it could have been, but also not as good as I had hoped.

  He should be doing backflips when he finds out he has a chance to see Tate, as far as I’m concerned.

  But now I have to tell Nico and Tate about it.

  I get back to the bus to find that Ricky’s still playing the video game with Tate. My mother is on the sofa with her Kindle, watching me expectantly. I give her a thumbs up, and she breathes a sigh of relief.

  “Good,” she says, as I pass by her. “He’ll be so excited.”

  “I guess so.” I lower my voice. “I’m gonna tell Nico first.”

  Nico is in the bus bathroom, with the door open. He’s dabbing at his glistening bare torso with baby wipes, his skin golden and flushed from his quick workout. He’s still breathing pretty hard. I would like nothing more than to go into the back lounge and let him do a few push-ups on top of me, but the sneaking around has been a big part of the fun for the past few
days. He catches me staring at him in the mirror.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey. Can I talk to you for a minute? In the back room?”

  “You can talk to me for two minutes.”

  “I mean, actually talk,” I whisper.

  When we drove from Austin to Houston, after the show, I snuck into the back lounge while Tate and Louise were sleeping in their bunks. After the noisy, quick and steamy sex we’d had in hotel rooms and in his dressing room, it was unbelievably hot just trying to stay as quiet as possible so we wouldn’t get caught.

  When I step inside the small room, I flash back to Nico lying on top of me on the bed, under the covers. His hand covering my mouth, mine covering his. When we both came so hard we were shaking.

  But! We don’t have time for that now. When he joins me in the room, I tell him to leave the door open. He smells so fucking good even after sweating and I just want to get naked and rub myself all over him…But I won’t.

  He picks up the T-shirt that’s laying on his bed, puts it on, and I stare at his abs while saying, “So I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet, but Tate’s father lives in Raleigh, North Carolina.”

  He pauses as he pulls the shirt down over his head. “No, you haven’t.”

  “His name is Drew,” I say, taking a seat at the end of the bed. “I just called him, finally, to let him know that we’re going to be in town for the day. To ask if he wants to see Tate.”

  “Oh, yeah? Does he?”

  “He says he’ll work it into his schedule. I just wanted to let you know. I’m about to tell Tate. I didn’t want to tell him until I talked to Drew first. In case he wasn’t available.”

  “Yeah. Sure.”

  “So, I’ll probably just drop Tate off somewhere to hang out with him for a few hours.” I don’t know why I feel weird, talking to him about Tate’s dad, but I do.

  “Okay. He lives in Raleigh, huh? Drew?”

  “Yeah. When I met him in LA he was just visiting.”

  “You feel comfortable letting this guy hang out with Tate for a few hours? Without you around?”

  I tilt my head at him. “He’s not ‘this guy.’ He is his biological father. They’ve spent time alone together when he was in LA. Never more than a few hours, but…”

  “Okay. No, good. I’m sure Tate will be stoked. Right?”

  “Yeah. I think he will.”

  “Good. No, yeah, that’s great. Thanks for telling me.”

  This is awkward.

  “Is it great? This feels awkward. You’re okay with us seeing him, right? I mean, it’s your tour and we’re…”

  “No, yes it’s not that. Of course you should see him. He should see him. I’m just—I don’t know what I am. I hope it works out.” He nods. “He’s a great kid. I hope his dad knows it.”

  “He does. I think he does.” I peek out the door, to make sure my mother isn’t lurking in the hallway, and then reach out to put my hand on Nico’s face and kiss him quickly on the lips. He’s so sweet, and he seems to really care about Tate.

  He grabs my waist and pulls me down to his lap, kissing me more, harder, longer than I had intended. It’s a tiny bit reckless and I’m a lot turned-on. I pull away from him, kissing him still. He keeps reaching out for me as I walk away, and it is hard for me to walk away. I have never felt so desired in my life, and I am completely addicted to his kiss, his touch, the way he looks at me, the things he’s said.

  But I need to talk to Tate.

  Ricky has started up the engine. Tate has already spread out his deck of cards on the table, and he has my iPad propped up so he can watch a YouTube video by some magician.

  I take a seat across from him. “Hey.”

  “Hi. Somebody posted a new trick!”

  “Can you pause that video for a second?”

  “I just started it.”

  “I need to talk to you please. Pause it.”

  He pauses it and looks up at me, impatiently.

  “Guess who I just talked to.”

  “Nico.”

  “Well yes, but before that. On the phone.”

  “Magic camp?!”

  “No.”

  “Oh.” His shoulders slump. He gets to go across the country in an awesome bus with bunk beds and video games, but he’s still disappointed that he doesn’t get to go to magic camp in the San Fernando Valley for a week.

  “I talked to Drew. In Raleigh.”

  Tate perks up. “You did?”

  “Yup. He says ‘hi.’” I try to remember if he actually did say to say ‘hi’ to Tate and I guess he didn’t. “Anyway. You know Drew lives in a city called Raleigh?”

  He nods. “It’s spelled funny.”

  “It is. Well, one of the cities we’re going to be going to is Raleigh, North Carolina. I asked Drew if he’ll be in town when we’re there and he will. And he wants to hang out with you for a few hours.”

  “Really?! When?”

  “Not this coming Saturday, but the Saturday after that.”

  “Will I go to his house?”

  “I don’t think so, but maybe. He still has to figure it out. Are you excited?”

  “Yeah! I can show him my tricks!”

  “Yeah. You should show him all of your tricks.”

  “I’m gonna work on this one with Nico.”

  “Actually, he needs to get into performance mode back there because we’ll be in New Orleans pretty soon.”

  He pouts. “Okay.”

  “You need a snack or something?”

  “No thank you. Unless I can have Cocoa Puffs.”

  “I think one bowl is enough for one day. I’m gonna take a little nap so I’m not tired when I’m working tonight.” I muss up his hair and grab my Moleskine notebook from the table, to take with me to the bunk. “Love you.”

  “Love you,” he mutters, scratching his nose and sliding certain cards around on the table.

  My mother is reading when I walk by, but she looks up to wink at me.

  I climb into the bunk. I am in the top bunk. It’s very cozy and I quite like it, but it would be easier to sneak out to join Nico in back if I were on the bottom level where my mother sleeps. Tate has the middle one, sandwiched in between us.

  If I get a half hour nap, I should be able to make it through the show and then, hopefully, be able to make it with Nico in his dressing room before we go to the hotel…

  I open up the notebook, to remind myself to get some good footage of the town tomorrow, and hopefully, of Nico walking around Bourbon Street.

  But I am staring at handwriting that isn’t mine.

  I’m staring at a song lyric.

  This is Nico’s notebook.

  I shut it and hold it closed, to my chest.

  It’s not a diary or anything. I think this is just where he jots down ideas for songs…Surely it wouldn’t be an invasion of his privacy if I were to just peek at a few pages.

  I flip to the front of the book. On the first page that has writing on it, is a song called “The Wait.” From back in April. The words jump out at me, dancing sexily around on the page, teasing me like a thirty second date. Coffee. Blue cat eyes. Worth the wait. I don’t want anyone else touching this woman and I don’t want anyone else singing about her either. Fuck you, celibacy.

  I flip through more pages.

  A song called “Cherry Lips,” notes about the way I touch all of my customers, but I never touch him, something about an antique treasure chest that he has to pry open a little bit every time or it will fall apart. A song called “Almost,” with the lyrics that he had written on his hand that time we ran into each other at Erewhon.

  I’m almost there now, are you ready?

  Because I’m almost ready for you.

  20

  Nico

  Okay, so I guess I’m jealous of Tate’s father.

  That’s weird.

  Never been jealous of a guy named Drew before. He sounds like a total asshat to me. I mean, I’m glad he helped bring Tate into existence,
but he must be an idiot if he doesn’t want to be a bigger part of his life. Who is this guy? I guess I’m glad he isn’t usually around, but I also don’t feel good about him spending time alone with Tate, even though they share DNA.

  My phone dings with a notification, and I’m relieved to have a distraction from this line of thinking.

  It’s a text, from someone that I share DNA with.

  WILLA: Yo, stud muffin! Where you at? Just wondering if you made it to Pound Town yet.

  ME: You are such a raging nerd. And yes, I am pleased to inform you that I am once again the mayor of Pound Town. So you and your husband can get off your high horses.

  WILLA: Ha ha you just told us to get off.

  WILLA: But congrats. With Kat, I hope.

  ME: Yes. With Kat.

  WILLA: Happy for you.

  ME: How’s things? Shane out of town?

  WILLA: Yep. But we go visit him this weekend. Twins are good. Bidness is good.

  ME: Dork.

  WILLA: Grammie told me that Mom and Dad are going to be at your show in Detroit.

  ME: Yeah. Should be interesting.

  WILLA: We’ll be at your LA show.

  ME: Good. Don’t embarrass me.

  WILLA: I will. It’s what I live for.

  The door to my room is closed, so I decide to call my sister to ask her something.

  She answers immediately. “Fine I won’t embarrass you on purpose, but I can’t make any promises about being cool or anything.”

  “Do you ever feel jealous of Margo?”

  “What?”

  I’ve never really discussed Shane’s ex-wife and the twins’ mother with her before, but who better to talk to right now than my sister? “I mean, about the twins. The fact that she’s, you know, their birth mother.”

  “I don’t know if jealous is the word I’d use. I wouldn’t want to be her. But sometimes. Sure. There’s always an underlying insecurity, but less and less over time. Their relationship with her doesn’t negate their relationship with me. We just…coexist. Why? Is this about the son?”

  “Tate. I just…I just found out that they’re going to meet up with his father when we’re in Raleigh and I feel…I don’t know. Weird. Jealous.”