“I just need you to be sure.” He drew a deep breath. “The last time we were together it was intense, to say the least. Then to have you leave the way you did—”
“I didn’t leave you. I just needed to catch my breath.” Like now. She could barely breathe when he looked at her that way. “You don’t think it was intense for me too?” She caressed his bristly jaw, remembering how those bristles felt brushing her inner thighs. “It was.”
Tired of being coy, she nipped his full lower lip before licking it. “Believe me, it was. You got inside of me that night, Loran. Literally and figuratively. And I’ve never been able to get you out.”
“Why would you want to?” he demanded gruffly, grabbing her hips. “That’s what I don’t get. Why the hell can’t we just go with it? So what if it’s intense? So what if it scares the hell out of both of us? Isn’t that what life is about, Bella? Taking chances?”
Her mind turned to mush when his tongue started exploring her neck while his hand slipped inside her wool trench coat. “I’m not afraid,” she murmured, closing her eyes when her skin started to burn as his hands danced down her ribs. “If I were you wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t be doing this.”
He braced his forearms on either side of her head, locking her in. “As much as I want you right now, I refuse to do this if the only offer on the table is sex.” Before she could correct him, he said, “I know that’s what you do. Compartmentalize. You’re up for having a little fun, but once you think someone’s fallen for you, you start looking for a way out.”
“I do not.” Do too.
“Well you need to hear this, girl. I’ve already fallen. Deep. And I’m in this for real. For keeps.”
“For keeps?” she echoed, feeling like a fool for repeating him. “What does that even mean? You can’t be talking about forever, Loran.” She pushed against his broad shoulders, feeling suddenly claustrophobic. “We’ve only been seeing each other a couple of weeks.”
“And I’ve been thinking about you every goddamn night since you stormed out of that hotel in Vegas and told me to go to hell.”
That night was still fresh in her mind too. So many regrets and what ifs still plagued her. “You know why I overreacted that night.”
“Yeah, and I know why you’re still holding back too. You’re waiting for me to screw up. You’re waiting to see some sign that I’m just like him… or like the out-of-control asshole I was in that hotel bar. Admit it. You think I’m going to let you down again, to disappoint you. That’s why you can’t let me in.”
“I want to let you in.” She reached behind her and turned the knob.
“No.” He took a step back, running a shaky hand through his hair. “Not now. Not like this.”
“What are you talking about?” She couldn’t believe this! Was the only man she’d ever propositioned actually rejecting her? “Are you telling me you don’t want me? Because that’s what it sounds like to me!”
“You know that’s not it.” He muttered a curse before swiping a hand over his face. “I do want you.” His eyes skated over her body. “So damn much, it’s killing me. But I can’t have you like this.” He reached for her hand. “I need you to trust me first, Bella.”
Trust. He was asking her to trust him? The last man she trusted left her for dead in the middle of the road. She closed her eyes, wishing she could turn tail and run inside.
“I know I’m asking a lot,” he said, his voice husky. “I have a terrible track record with women. Hell, I have a shitty track record with you. But I’ve changed. You changed me.”
“Don’t—”
“Ssshhh.” He pressed a finger against her lips. “Please. I just need to say this. I’ve never wanted a woman the way I wanted you. Not being able to have you taught me a few tough lessons. About patience, humility… and love.”
Her heart slammed against her chest as that word reverberated through her head. Oh God, he did not say he was in love with her! “I can’t do this,” she said, shaking her head frantically. “I can’t have this conversation.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” He reached for her hand, probably to keep her from fleeing. “Just listen.” When he seemed satisfied she wasn’t going to run, he kissed her hand. “We could be so good together, baby. Can’t you see that?”
They were compatible in so many ways, but Bella was more concerned about the ways they were different. Would those differences eventually drive them apart, and leave her all alone again? She’d never been afraid of being alone before, but then she’d never had a man like Loran before either.
“This is happening so fast.”
He chuckled, sounding more irritated than amused. “First you accuse me of taking too long to make a move, now I’m going too fast. Which is it?”
“I don’t know.” He was right, she realized. She wasn’t making any sense. And she’d never been a flighty female who had trouble making up her mind before. That just wasn’t her. Or who she wanted to be. “I just know that… I can’t breathe when I think about… forever. Then I have trouble breathing when I think about you leaving me.” She laughed, fearing it could erupt into a fit of hysteria. “I’m afraid of you staying and I’m afraid of you leaving. How crazy is that?”
“Earlier you said you weren’t afraid.” His smile was sad when he said, “Sounds like you’re plenty scared, sweetheart.”
She knew she’d hurt him by admitting the truth, but she felt she owed it to him. “I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m confused. But I am.”
“You’re allowed to be confused. I get that.” He let her hand fall and she immediately wanted to grab his back. “But until you figure things out, I think you’re probably right about us taking things slow.”
“Loran—”
“I don’t intend to hurt you. Ever.” His look was so intense she couldn’t force herself to look away, even though it was laced with a pain that nearly broke her because she knew she’d caused it. “But I don’t want to get hurt either. And I’m afraid that might happen if we jump into bed before we’ve worked out our feelings for each other.”
She was the first to break eye contact and she wished she had the words to make this easier. It felt like they were breaking up, even though she wasn’t certain they’d ever been a real couple.
“I know how I feel about you. But until you figure out how you feel about me, I’d best keep my distance.”
“But your house,” she said, grasping at the only logical reason she might still have a place in his life. “Don’t you want me to continue working on that? We’ve made great progress already and I feel like I have a sense of what you want now.”
“We can continue working together,” he said, walking backwards toward his truck. “But for now that’ll have to be all.”
Chapter Six
Loran was stunned when he showed up at the hospice the next night and found Bella there talking to an elderly man with terminal cancer in the common room.
“What is she doing here?” he muttered under his breath when the administrator came up behind him, slapping him on the back.
“She said she was a friend of yours.” He gave him a side-long look. “That not true?”
“It is.”
Loran tried to ignore the way her whole face lit up when she laughed and touched the man’s hand as he told her a story. He gave her a weak smile in response. Probably his first smile in weeks.
“We did a brief interview and she filled out the paperwork for a background check, but I didn’t see any harm in letting her get to know a few of our residents.”
The administrator rocked back on the heels of his dress shoes as he admired Bella. “She seems to have a way with people, doesn’t she?”
Loran wasn’t deaf or blind. He could tell the attractive forty-something administrator was interested in Bella. “Listen Mark, I should probably set you straight about something.”
“What’s that?” he asked, looking concerned.
“Bella and I are more than friends.�
� After last night he wasn’t sure he even had the right to claim that anymore, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to stand by and watch a man he’d considered a friend make a play for the woman he was in love with.
“Oh.” His cheeks turned a ruddy shade as he dipped his head. “I see. I didn’t realize that. She didn’t mention it.”
“Probably didn’t think it was relevant.”
He replayed their conversation, just as he’d done a hundred times since it happened. If he’d been smart he would have kept his mouth shut and gone inside with her. Instead he gave her an ultimatum that could have cost him the relationship he was so desperately trying to build with her.
Bella stood and patted the old man on the back before spotting Loran. She blushed and bit her lip, but made her way towards him.
“Hey,” she said, softly.
“Hey,” Loran responded, trying to resist the urge to beg her forgiveness. He knew he hadn’t been wrong to stand his ground with her last night, but being right had never felt worse.
“Well, I’ll leave you two alone,” Mark said, after an awkward pause.
Bella watched him walk away before she said, “I hope it’s okay that I still came.”
“You had to know I’d be here.” He told her he’d intended to work at the hospice tonight.
“I did.” Her gaze dropped before she said, “I was serious about helping out here, but I wanted to see you too. I didn’t feel good about the way we left things last night.”
“This probably isn’t the time or place to talk about it.” He didn’t know what she wanted him to say, but the only words on the tip of his tongue were the three she didn’t want to hear.
“Can we get a coffee a little later then?” she asked, looking nervous. “I’ll understand if you say no, but please don’t.”
He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to say no to her. “Yeah, we can do that. I usually spend about an hour here, if that works for you?”
“Of course.” She looked around the open room, her gaze drifting from one resident to another. “Mark didn’t have a lot of time to introduce me. Maybe you could do the honours?”
“Sure.” He led her towards one of his favorite patients, a seventy-six year-old woman with stage four lung cancer. “Let me introduce you to Stella.”
She followed him until he reached the slight form in the wheelchair sitting by the window. Her frail form was wrapped in a blue crocheted shawl and she appeared to be working on another one as her thin fingers manipulated the needles in her hands.
“Hey, beautiful,” he said, bending to kiss her wrinkled cheek. “What are you working on?”
“Another lap blanket for the nursing home,” she said, smiling up at him. “I hope I get it finished in time.”
His heart broke every time she talked about the end of her life. He’d been coming to visit her every other day for two months and they’d built a friendship. She told him he reminded her of her grandson, who lived on the other side of the country. Apparently she hadn’t seen him in years, but she remembered going to his Little League games when they lived in the same town. She said it was always the highlight of the week for her.
He promised her choice seats when his season started up again, but she only laughed and shook her head, reminding him she wouldn’t make it that long.
“Stella, I want you to meet a friend of mine. Bella, this is—”
The old woman cackled. “Bella and Stella. Hey, that rhymes.”
Bella smiled as she took the woman’s bony hand in both of hers. “It does, doesn’t it? It’s so nice to meet you, Stella. I hope we’ll have a chance to visit soon.”
“Oh?” Her eyes lit up. “You’ll be coming back to see me?”
Loran knew he was the only visitor Stella had. He imagined it would be nice for her to have another visitor to look forward to.
“If you’d like me to?” Bella asked, rubbing her hand gently before releasing it.
“Can you knit?” she asked, as though testing Bella. “Crochet?”
“As a matter of fact I can,” Bella said, looking smug. “My grandmother taught me when I was about five. I haven’t done it in a while, but I’m sure with your expert guidance I’d remember.”
“That settles it then,” Stella said. “You’ll come back and we’ll work on finishing this together.” She held up the half-finished lap blanket. “There’s a woman at the nursing home down the road who has a birthday coming up. She doesn’t get any presents, so I thought it would be nice to give her this.”
Bella’s eyes shone when she said, “I think that’s a lovely idea. She’s a friend of yours?”
“No, I’ve never met her.”
“Oh.” Bella looked confused as she looked from Loran to Stella. “Then how do you know—”
“There’s this nice lady who comes in here sometimes to visit her uncle. She runs a community program that donates gifts to residents of nursing homes who don’t get anything for birthdays or Christmas. Either they don’t have any family or their family wants to forget they’re alive.”
“Sounds like a wonderful program,” Bella said, softly.
“It is.” Stella shrugged. “She and I got to talking and she suggested I start knitting something for this lady, Mary, who has a birthday coming up. I guess she’s always cold and could really use a nice lap blanket to keep her warm.”
“I think it’s wonderful that you want to do that for her.”
“I have this one to thank for the yarn though,” she said, pointing at Loran with her knitting needle. “Can you believe he went to the yarn store for me? Bought dozens of skeins.” She pointed to a wicker basket at her feet. “Even bought the basket for me. Isn’t that sweet?”
“It sure is,” Bella said, looking a little stunned.
Feeling uncomfortable with the praise, Loran shrugged, “It was no big deal. The lady who owned the store pointed me in the right direction. I just bought whatever she suggested.”
Bella’s phone rang, saving him from further embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I really have to take this. Loran, I’ll meet you outside?”
“Sure,” he said, trying to ignore the curious look Stella gave him. She was obviously trying to figure out the nature of his relationship with the beautiful stranger. And knowing his elderly friend, she wouldn’t hesitate to dig for dirt as soon as they were alone.
“It was so nice to meet you, Stella.”
“You too, dear.” Stella waited until Bella had left the room before she said, “Well, what are you waiting for? Pull up a chair. I want to hear all about your new love.”
“My new love?” Loran chuckled as he pulled up a stackable chair and sat on it backwards, facing Stella. “You just met the woman. How do you know there’s anything between us?”
“She’s the one you were talking about,” Stella said, matter-of-factly. “I asked you a few weeks ago if you’d ever been in love and you said you’d been seeing someone briefly but it didn’t work out.”
Loran winced when Stella started coughing. It sounded so violent. She could barely catch her breath and every time she turned red and reached for his hand he braced himself for the inevitable twist of his heart. He felt so helpless. It was moments like those that reminded him all his money couldn’t buy the things he wanted most.
He handed her the water in her cup holder as soon as she seemed able to take a drink. Watching her sip, his heart beat slowly returned to normal. Since he’d started working at the hospice he’d had to say good-bye to a lot of special people but he knew when Stella left this world she would take a little piece of his heart with him. He’d never known his grandparents, but he liked to think his own grandmother would have been just like Stella.
“Tell me I’m wrong,” she said, shaking an arthritic finger at him. “And don’t even think about lying. You know I can tell.”
“You’re not wrong,” he conceded.
She smiled, looking delighted that she’d finally had a chance to meet the woman who’d stolen Loran’s heart
. “Judging by the way that young lady was looking at you I’d say you managed to work things out.”
“We’re still trying.”
The fact that she’d invited him for coffee was a good sign. Unless she intended to tell him she didn’t need time to think because she already knew their relationship couldn’t go anywhere.
Suddenly his heart was hammering for a completely different reason.
“What’s wrong?” Stella asked, touching his hand. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost, honey.”
“Just, uh, wondering what Bella wanted to talk to me about.” He rarely held back with Stella. He was supposed to be here to help distract her from her problems, but he’d learned that probing into his life was her favorite distraction.
“You seem worried. Did you two have a fight?”
“Something like that.”
She smiled. “When my Herbert and I fought he always brought me flowers or candy to apologize. You should do that.”
“Thanks, I’ll think about it.” He could give Bella anything and everything she ever dreamed of and the only thing he wanted in return was her love. Was that too much to ask for?
“She seems like a sweet girl.”
He wasn’t sure sweet was the word he’d use to describe Bella. Sexy. Sassy. Strong. Opinionated. Ambitious. And he loved every damn thing about her. “She’s… special. That’s for sure.”
“You want to marry her.”
Stella always cut to the chase. She claimed she’d always been like that, but living with a terminal illness for months only made her less likely to put up with B.S.
He stifled a cough behind his hand. “Uh, I—”
“Well?” she snapped. “Do you or don’t you?”
“I do.”
“So, what are you waiting for? Ask her already.”
“It’s not that simple, Stella.” He gave her an affectionate smile. “We’re not there yet. Honestly, I’m not sure we ever will be.”
She rolled her eyes. “You young people have to complicate everything. When you get to be my age you’ll realize that life passes in the blink of an eye and you don’t have a minute to waste.”
Payback (Summer Rush #6) Page 6