I want my life to count for something. She bit on the end of her pen, wondering what that even meant. Her life already counted for something… didn’t it? She designed homes that would hopefully still be around long after she was gone.
Where were these feelings coming from? It must have been brought on by her talk with Stella, a woman at the end of her life, reflecting on the choices she’d made.
Thinking of Stella made her wonder how many lives that sweet old woman had touched. Students who would always think of her fondly, perhaps tell their spouses and children about their favorite teacher and how she’d inspired them.
Bella jumped when her phone rang. She’d been so lost in her thoughts she’d forgot about the outside world for a while. That never happened to her.
She smiled involuntarily when she saw Loran’s number. After their chat that morning she wasn’t sure she’d be hearing from him again so soon.
“Hey you, what’s up?”
“Hey yourself. What are you up to?”
Bella laughed. “You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Oh yeah? Try me.”
“Some other time.” She wasn’t quite ready to share her new hobby with anyone just yet. Especially since her journal entries sounded more like the musings of a crazy person than the cathartic release she suspected they were supposed to be. “What are you doing?”
“Just driving around. Thinking.”
He sounded as lost as she felt and she wondered if maybe they could help each other. She’d never looked to another person for solace before, but maybe it was time she started.
“How far are you from my place?”
“Not far.” He paused. “You want me to stop by?”
She was about to tell him it was up to him, but bit her tongue instead. If she wanted her life to count for something she had to form deeper connections with people outside of her family and closest friends. She had to put herself out there. Especially with Loran.
“I’d love that.”
She could almost hear the smile in his voice when he said, “Great. Have you eaten? I could grab a pizza.”
“Sounds perfect. See you in a bit.”
***
Bella closed her journal and stashed it in her nightstand when she heard Loran locking his vehicle. Her very first journal entry had been interesting, to say the least. She continued pondering the questions she’d asked herself and found that although she didn’t have the answers yet, she felt confident they were imminent. It’s like they were locked inside of her, but she had to find a way to release them.
She ran to the door to greet him, throwing herself into his arms without thinking about the consequences. Thankfully he had quick reflexes or their dinner would have landed on her plush white carpet.
“What’s that for?” he asked, smiling down at her, one arm around her waist while the other balanced the large flat box.
“Because I missed you,” she said, honestly. For the first time she wasn’t trying to censor her thoughts and she wondered if baring her soul in her new journal had prompted that. “And I felt bad about the way we left things this morning.”
“I did too,” he admitted, linking hands with her while she led him into the family room. “That’s why I was driving around thinking. I had lunch with your brother today and it made me… reflect, I guess you could say.”
Bella laughed as she took the box from Loran and set it down on the coffee table. “Who knew my brother was so deep?”
“He knows both of us well,” he said, looking serious. “It was good to get his perspective on things.”
She sat down on the sofa and tugged on his hand until he was sitting next to her. “I want to hear what my brother had to say, if you want to share, but I had an experience that…” She couldn’t think of the right word. Yes, she could. Her talk with Stella, her journaling, it changed her. She didn’t know transformation could happen in an instant, but it felt like it had.
“That what?” he asked, looking concerned as she curled his hand around hers. “Are you okay? Did something happen to upset you, babe?”
“It didn’t upset me. It just made me question a lot of things.”
“Like us?”
She hated that she’d made him feel so guarded. He was worried about getting hurt, rightly so, because she’d been too afraid to let him in.
“Like the fact I’ve been keeping you at arm’s length. And why.” She knew she had to spill her guts or risk losing him. “I had a talk with Stella and it really helped me put things in perspective.”
He nodded. “Talking to Stella can do that. Part of the reason I keep going back, I think. I get more out of our visits than she does.”
“She’s got it all figured out, doesn’t she?” Bella wished she could say the same. “Life. What it takes to be happy.”
He chuckled. “She’s a hell of a lot more enlightened than I am, that’s for sure. But she’s helped me a lot. I’m closer to figuring things out than I was before I met her.”
“Is she the reason you didn’t give up on me?” Bella had a feeling the old Loran wouldn’t have wasted so much time pursuing a woman who kept shutting him down.
“Part of it.” He opened the pizza box but didn’t take a slice. Instead he took Bella’s hand and kissed it, holding her knuckles against his lips. “I wanted a love like the one she described when she talked about her late husband. And I thought I could have had that with you. More so than anyone else I’d ever met. I knew when you left I lost someone special. Stella told me when it happens, when you meet the right one, you just know. With you, I knew.”
Bella knew too. So why wasn’t she willing to jump in with both feet? She was still scared, even though she knew how Loran felt about her.
“Am I freaking you out?” he asked, giving her a sidelong glance. “Going too fast? Too much, too soon, and all that?”
“No.” She shook her head slowly, choosing her words carefully. “I want you to feel comfortable telling me anything.”
“Same goes.”
“Stella gave me a gift.” Something told her it might be the most important gift she’d ever been given. A gift that would help her understand herself in a more profound way. “A journal.”
“I didn’t know you kept a journal.”
“I don’t.” She cleared her throat. “I mean, I never have before. But hearing Stella talk about it made me want to try.”
“Oh yeah? You think you have time for that?”
“I’ll make time. In fact, I already have.” She bit her lip. “I started writing in it just before you got here. And the things that poured out were… unexpected.” She never expected to share her entries with anyone, but with Loran she felt comfortable enough to try.
“What kind of things?” he asked, looking curious.
“I guess the jest of it is I’m looking for more meaning in my life.”
He nodded. “I get that. That’s why I started doing volunteer work. I’ve been so blessed. I needed to find a way to give back.” He smirked. “Or it wouldn’t feel right, ya know?”
“I can’t believe I’ve never considered it before.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before wiping her sweaty palms on her white yoga pants. “What’s wrong with me? Can I really be that selfish?”
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up. You forget I grew up with a mom who was a social worker. We always heard her talking about the less fortunate and giving back. Taking us to a soup kitchen at Christmas, that was a just a ritual in our family.”
“I love that.” She smiled gently, wishing she’d known the boy he’d been. The one with little more than hopes and dreams of a better life, who cared enough to invest some of himself in people who were less fortunate. “When I have kids, I want to have traditions like that, so they know what it’s like to fall on hard times.”
“When you have kids?” His eyes traced her face before he said, “Last time we talked you weren’t so sure you wanted that.”
“I ne
ver said I didn’t.” She’d been too scared to commit either way and she knew that wasn’t fair to him. If they were going to have a relationship he had a right to know whether they were on the same page regarding their future.
He released a slow breath, turning her hand over in his. “Why don’t you tell me what you do want, Bella. And please, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. I want the truth.”
“You won’t have to worry about that.” Looking him in the eye, she said, “I promise to always be honest with you. As long as you can promise the same?”
“Of course.” He sounded affronted. It hadn’t been her intent to offend him, but she needed to set that ground rule before they took it any further.
“In terms of a family… do I want one?” She knew the impact her response could have on their relationship and held her breathe as she said, “I do. But not right away.”
“Okay.”
“I need time to sort myself out.” Only recently had she begun to recognize how messed up she was. “I’m not proud of the fact that I let things that happen years ago determine whether or not I could have a happy, loving, trusting relationship with a man.” She didn’t expect him to get it. He hadn’t walked in her shoes.
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up. Any woman would have felt the same way in your position. You gave your trust to the wrong man. He abused it. It’s only natural you’d be fearful of making that same mistake again.”
“But that’s just it…” She hoped she could explain this in a way he’d understand, but she still wasn’t sure she’d made sense of it herself yet. “I trusted myself, not him. I trusted my own judgement when I let him in. So it wasn’t so much that he’d betrayed my trust that wrecked me. It was that I didn’t feel like I could trust myself anymore. I started second-guessing everything after that. Whether I should stay on at school, my major, my living arrangements, my friends. Nothing in my life made sense anymore.”
“You’d been through a traumatic event—”
“I’m still not sure things make sense.” She expected those words to jolt him and they did. “I built my life around the things I wanted before the attack, because I didn’t trust myself to make any major changes when I was still so vulnerable.”
“Baby,” he said, curling his hand around the back of her neck. “I can’t believe you didn’t go to your family with this. You know they would have been there for you.”
Her heart sank. “Please tell me you didn’t tell my brother about this. He can’t know. Not ever.” She knew her family would feel guilty they hadn’t been there for her, and angry with her for keeping them in the dark.
“I know.” He leaned in to whisper, “I would never betray your confidence. You don’t have to worry about that.”
She closed her eyes and felt the gentle pressure of his touch. He was rock solid. Reliable. The kind of man she could count on. She didn’t know how she knew that only that she did. And it felt wonderful to feel her faith being reborn.
“I know I don’t.” She wanted him to know that she believed him, that she trusted him. “You’re the only man who’s ever made me want to try.”
“Try what?” he asked, his lips curling in amusement.
“Try to have it all.” She’d long ago given up on the idea that was even possible, but with someone like Loran by her side nothing felt impossible. “A career. A family. The kind of love that lasts forever.”
“I want that so much.” His grip tightened as the air seeped through his lips in a hiss. “You have no idea.”
“But I meant what I said earlier. I need to figure out how to fix what’s broken inside of me before I can make any promises to you about the future. I’d never forgive myself if I disappointed you—”
“You’re too hard on yourself,” he said, leaning back to put some space between them. “No one expects you to be perfect at this. Least of all me.” He chuckled. “Don’t you know how clueless I am when it comes to this whole relationship thing? I’m no more experienced at it than you are.”
“But you seem so confident.” While she got anxious every time she thought about settling down with someone. Even someone as amazing as Loran. “Like you’ve got it all figured out.”
“Here’s what I know,” he said, looking somber. “I’ve been a lot of places, met a lot of women. But no one has had this kind of hold on me. I tried to forget about you. I told myself it was never gonna happen, that you were done with me. But I couldn’t let go. I kept hoping maybe we’d find a way back to each other someday.”
“I guess that day came sooner than you thought, huh?” Bella never ceased to be humbled by his feelings for her. When he first told her she’d felt overwhelmed. Terrified even. Now it felt amazing to hear him speak the truth.
“Not soon enough.” He smiled. “I don’t know what you need. I’m not even sure you do yet. Just know that whatever it is, whatever I can do to help, I will.”
There was no question in her mind about that as her lips met his. Her heart told her Loran was the man who could help piece her back together again, repair parts she didn’t even realize were still broken after so many years.
Chapter Ten
The past week had been cathartic for Bella. She’d spent more time with Loran and Stella, but always reserved a block of time each morning and night for her journal. The morning was for her musings. The evening was, as Stella suggested, for her gratitude list. Both practices had been life-changing. She was more in touch with her feelings than she’d ever been and standing on her best friend’s front porch she knew exactly what the next step in her journey had to be.
She’d texted Grace to ask if she could stop by, so her sister-in-law was waiting for her at the door when she pulled in the drive. She would have appreciated a few extra minutes to rehearse what she wanted to say, but since that wasn’t an option she settled for a deep breath and a prayer.
Grace pulled her into her arms. “Your timing’s perfect. The kids are with your parents so we can visit for a bit without distractions.”
“But Ethan’s here, right?” She didn’t want to go through this twice.
“Yeah, but he promised to stay out of our way.” She winked. “In case we wanted to indulge in a little girl talk.”
“Um, actually I’d like to see him too.”
Grace frowned as she squeezed her hands. “Honey, are you okay?” She brushed her hand over Bella’s cheek. “You look a little pale. Are you feeling alright?” She fisted her hand on her hip, putting on her stern mommy face. “Did you get busy at work and forget to eat lunch again?”
“No, Loran brought me a sandwich from the deli and we ate at my desk.”
Grace grinned. “How are things going with that sexy man of yours?”
“Good. Really good,” she whispered, still afraid of jinxing it. “I’m happier than I’ve been in a really long time, maybe ever.”
Grace squealed before giving her a bone-scrunching hug as they swayed back and forth. “Eeee! I’m so excited. I just knew he was the one for you.”
“He just might be,” Bella admitted, linking her arm through Grace’s as they walked into the family room. “But I’ve still got some stuff to work through before I know for sure. That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you and E about.”
“Sit,” Grace said, pointing to the large beige sectional that faced a wall of windows, affording an amazing view of the grounds. “I’ll go get Ethan and grab some drinks. You want anything special?”
“No, thanks.” She forced a smile even though her hands were shaking. “Whatever you have is fine.”
“Okay, be right back.”
Bella sank down on the couch with a heavy sigh, grateful to have a few moments alone. Loran knew what she was up to and offered to come along for moral support, but she told him she needed to do it alone. She was starting to regret that decision. Having Loran along would have made what she was about to do a hell of a lot easier.
“Hey, you.” Ethan grinned when he spotted her. “I was just gettin
g a quick work-out in.” He tossed a towel over his shoulder and pulled his damp t-shirt away from his body. “I’d give you a hug, but you’d probably smack me.”
She winced. “Save the sweaty hugs for your wife. She likes you more than I do.”
Ethan chuckled before sitting on the arm of the chair across from her. “Where’s Loran? Why didn’t he come with you?”
“He had something to take care of.”
He was yarn shopping for Stella, something that only made Bella love him more. Not that she’d tell him that. Yet. Once she dropped the L-bomb she couldn’t take it back and needed a bit more time to be sure before she said anything to him.
When Grace returned and set a drink tray down on the coffee table Bella said, “Uh, so there’s something I need to talk to you guys about.” Before they could ask what it was, she plowed ahead. “I know I should have told you about it a long time ago, but I couldn’t.”
They exchanged a concerned look before Grace sat down beside her. “What is it, honey? You know you can tell us anything.”
“I told Loran,” she said, swallowing her fear. “And asked him to keep it a secret. But I knew that wasn’t fair to him.” She ran her hands down her floral pencil skirt. “Besides, I decided I don’t want to carry this with me forever, like I have something to be ashamed of.”
“Sis, you’re kinda freakin’ me out here,” Ethan said, paling. “Would you just tell us what you’re talking about?”
“Something happened when I was in college.” Her breath was shaky when she forced her eyes to meet her brother’s. She knew he would take this hardest of all, because he hadn’t been able to protect her.
“What happened?” He crossed his arms, looking anxious as he bit his lip.
“You remember that guy I was dating?” She turned her attention to Grace, knowing for sure she would remember. “Daniel.”
“Yeah, sure,” Grace said, frowning. “I haven’t heard you talk about him in years. Did he contact you—”
Payback (Summer Rush #6) Page 10