“Hey buddy, what’s up?”
“My beautiful wife took the kiddies to visit my parents. I was thinking about grilling some burgers. Want to join me?”
Loran knew his friend probably had an ulterior motive, like questioning him about his relationship with his sister, but since he didn’t feel like sitting around feeling sorry for himself and wouldn’t mind gaining some perspective from someone who knew Bella better than he did, he agreed.
“I’ll pass by the beer store and be there in twenty.”
Loran admired Ethan’s sprawling estate as he pulled in the circular drive. He’d been there plenty of times, but now that he was finally working on his dream home he found new elements of his friend’s house to appreciate. He knew that Bella designed it and hoped she could bring his vision to life the same way she had theirs.
He didn’t bother ringing the doorbell since he could hear music streaming from the backyard. Opening the iron gate, he took his time crossing the stone patio. He thought about how he’d respond if Ethan started questioning him about Bella. He didn’t want to betray her confidence but he wasn’t used to holding out on his buddies either.
Had it not been for Ethan he wouldn’t even have met Bella, nor would he have reconnected with her had it not been for the birthday party that brought them back together. Both Ethan and Grace had been supportive since they realized how serious Loran was about Bella and he didn’t want to seem like an ingrate.
“There he is,” Ethan said when he rounded the corner. “How’s it going, man?”
Loran brought it in for a one-armed hug and handshake before Ethan snagged his favorite brand of beer out of his hands.
“Thanks,” Ethan said, holding up the six-pack. “I’d just run out of this.”
“Nice to be able to tip a few now and again, huh?” Loran said, opening the lid to the grill while Ethan added the bottles to his built-in ice chest. “One of the few things I like about the off season, to be honest. I can eat and drink what I want.”
Ethan looked at him out of the corner of his eye before opening a bag of buns. He laid them out to toast before moving the burgers to the warming rack. “It’s not like you to drink a lot. Except for…” He cleared his throat. “Everything goin’ okay with you and Bella?”
“Yeah, sure.”
He turned towards the pool, smiling when he spotted a large pink elephant floating on the surface of the water. A few years back he would have found a few hot blondes in string bikinis floating around Ethan’s pool, not blow up toys.
“You don’t sound too convincing.” Ethan thrust a plastic plate at him piled high with two burgers before gesturing to the table, where condiments were already laid out.
“Thanks.” Loran was buying time, trying to figure out how to respond while he prepared his food.
Ethan joined him before asking, “My sister still giving you a hard time?”
“I just feel like I’m pushing her… all the damn time. I want her to want what I want.” He grinned when he realized he sounded like a toddler. “When I want it.”
Ethan laughed. “Good luck with that. Have you met my sister? That girl has a mind of her own.”
“I know.” Loran sat at one of the six chairs around the oblong teak table. “And I love that about her. I do. So why the hell can’t I just be happy that she’s back in my life instead of wanting more?”
Ethan took a big bite of his burger before shrugging. “I think it’s human nature. At least for guys like us. You set your sights on something and you go for it. I’m the same way.”
“Then you did that with Grace?” Loran knew it wasn’t the same thing. Grace and Ethan had known each other most of their lives before they hooked up. They trusted each other.
“Sure did.” He laughed. “But you know that, since I talked her into marrying me that weekend we were all in Vegas.”
“Sometimes I think I should’ve done that,” Loran muttered. “Talked your sister into marrying me that weekend. Then I wouldn’t be in this mess now, wondering where I stand with her.”
Ethan gaped at him. “Did I just hear you right? You actually would’ve considered marrying her back then? But you didn’t even know her!”
Loran knew it sounded crazy, but even then he knew Bella was the one. “I knew enough.”
They ate in silence for a few minutes before Ethan wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. “Can I give you some advice?”
“Please.” Loran knew he needed all the help he could get where Bella was concerned.
“Give her time to come around to your way of thinking. I know it’s not easy, feeling the way you do about her, but look how far you’ve come in the past couple of weeks. You guys are spending time together again and…” Ethan slipped his sunglasses up on his head. “I know this is weird as hell, bein’ my sister and all, and you can tell me to mind my own business…”
“Just ask already,” Loran said, rolling his eyes. He had a pretty good idea what was coming. He wouldn’t like it, but he had been expecting it.
“Are you and she… uh… you know… sleeping together?”
Loran thought about telling him it was none of his business, but if it was his kid sister he’d want to know what the deal was. “She spent the night at my place last night.”
Ethan nodded before digging into his lunch again. “Then she’s serious about you.”
“How can you say that? Didn’t you once tell me that sex meant as much to your sister as it did to me?”
“Sure, when the guy she’s with doesn’t mean anything to her. Then it’s just sex. With you it’s not.”
Loran wanted to believe that, but had to ask, “How can you be so sure?”
“Because I know Bella.”
Ethan may have thought he knew her, but she’d kept her brother in the dark about an event that shaped the person she became. Not that Loran would ever share that with him... or anyone.
“And I know she’s into you. If you want my advice, let her set the pace. Even if you’re going slow, at least you’re moving forward, right? That’s a hell of a lot more than you could have said even a month ago.”
He made a good point. That’s why Loran was grateful he had so many good friends who weren’t afraid to set him straight when he was on the wrong course.
“I guess I’m just afraid of losing her.” His stomach turned and he pushed his second untouched burger aside when he thought about it. “I feel like if I nail her down, and we start making plans for our future together she’ll be less likely to bail on me again.”
“That’s what you really want?” Ethan asked. “A future with my sister? We’re talking the whole nine? Marriage, babies—”
“Yeah, that’s what I want.” It should come as no surprise to Ethan, given how crazy he’d been acting since losing Bella. “But I’m not sure it’s what she wants. She says she’s never thought much about marriage. You think that’s true?”
“That’s what she’d like people to believe, but I’ve seen the way she looks at my kids. She loves them so much, she’s so good with them. I know she wants a couple of her own.”
“I want that too. I just don’t know how to walk this tightrope, man.” He’d come there determined to smother his frustration but it always found a way to rear its ugly head.
“What do you mean?”
“I feel like if I say or do the wrong thing she’ll be gone. And I’m not used to censoring every damn thing I say.”
Ethan laughed. “Tell me about it. You have no filter.”
“But with her I do. I find myself filtering everything I say.”
“You shouldn’t.” Ethan frowned. “Seriously, just be yourself with her. Tell her what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling. Even if she’s not quite there yet, I’m sure she’ll appreciate knowing you are.”
“You don’t honestly believe that?” When Ethan nodded, Loran frowned. “But won’t that seem like I’m pressuring her?”
“Not if you let her know you’re not. Just tell her you
don’t need her to say or do anything. You don’t expect a response. You just want her to know how you feel about her.”
It sounded better than keeping his mouth shut. “I’ll try it.”
“Good, now shut the hell up and eat. We’re starting to sound like a couple of women, talking about our feelings and shit.”
Loran grinned, thinking it would nice to have this guy as his brother-in-law someday.
***
Bella couldn’t explain how she’d ended up at the hospice on her lunch break, but she made the excuse of bringing Loran’s favorite patient a sandwich from the corner deli.
Stella’s eyes lit up and she clapped her hands when she saw her. “You came back to see me!”
“I sure did.” She handed over the brown paper bag with a smile. “Hope you like pastrami?”
“Are you kidding? I love it! Thank you, dear.”
To Bella it was just a sandwich, but to her new friend it seemed a reason to rejoice. “My pleasure. I’m glad you haven’t had lunch yet.”
Stella wrinkled her nose. “They were serving beef stew. Not my favorite.”
Pulling up the chair beside her, Bella said, “But you know you have to eat, right? Keep your strength up.”
Stella’s look was so earnest that Bella’s heart skipped a beat. “It won’t make a difference whether I eat or not.”
“Don’t say that.” It broke Bella’s heart to think every one of the people under this roof had been handed a death sentence. It wasn’t a matter of if, but when, they would die.
“Doctors say—”
“Doctors don’t know everything.” Bella smiled as the older woman nodded thoughtfully before unwrapping the sandwich and taking a bite.
“I suppose you’re right. They’ve been wrong before, haven’t they?”
“And they could be wrong this time.” Bella didn’t know the nature of Stella’s illness. She only knew there wasn’t an illness that hadn’t miraculously been cured. “We have to believe that.”
“Either way, I’m content.” At Bella’s questioning look, she smiled. “I’ve had a wonderful life. If God decides it’s time for me to go, so be it.”
Bella couldn’t imagine finding peace in death. But she hadn’t lived as long. Maybe it was true what they said about age and wisdom. “Really?”
She nodded. “I was just writing in my journal the other day…” She paused while taking another bite. “Do you keep a journal?”
“No.”
“You should.” Her eyes twinkled when she smiled. “It’s cheaper than therapy.”
Bella laughed. “I guess it is.”
“Anyways, I was writing about that very thing: peace and contentment. I’m happy.” She looked out the window at the bird feeder that had been placed outside the window for residents to enjoy. I don’t know how many days I have left, but I give thanks for every one. I may not have the strength I used to have, but I do what I can and always find reasons to be grateful.”
Bella felt a little breathless as she listened to this woman, who was coming to terms with the end of her life, talk about peace and contentment and happiness. In the same position she expected she’d be experiencing fear and sadness and resentment.
“You look surprised.”
“Do I?” Bella shook her head. “I guess I am. I’ve never known anyone who looks at things the way you do.” Her parents had raised her to be grateful for the big things, like having a roof over her head and food in her belly, but she’d never considered how being grateful for all the little things might change her life and perspective.
“I think that’s why Loran likes to talk to me.” She wiped her dry lips with the paper napkin the deli provided before Bella uncapped the bottled water she’d stuck in her oversized purse and handed it to her. “I get him thinking about things he never has before.”
“I can certainly see that.”
“He’s been so focused on his career for so long,” Stella said, her gaze drifting to the window. “He hasn’t taken time to think about the things that really matter. Being famous, making a lot of money, that’s fleeting.”
“I don’t know,” Bella said, charmed by her opinion. “Some ball players’ careers last a long time.”
“Yeah, but what do they have to show for it when it’s all over?” She sighed. “A pile of money and some flashy mementoes?”
“I think they have a sense of accomplishment,” Bella said, trying to consider how Loran and her brother would feel when facing the end of their career. “They set a huge goal and accomplished it. That’s got to be worth something, right?”
“As long as the memories they have are enough. Because in the end that’s all they’ll have. If they lived every day of their careers soaking up every minute of it, living in the moment and giving it all they had, then it will have been time well spent.”
Bella knew this could just as easily apply to her own life and career. She rarely took time to appreciate her accomplishments at the completion of a project before she moved on to the next one.
“As opposed to?”
“Chasing the next victory or championship. Moaning and complaining because this season hadn’t been as good as last or because their contract didn’t get renewed.”
“I guess that’s what most people do, isn’t it? Instead of appreciating how good life is, they focus on the few things that might be going wrong for them.”
Stella regarded her carefully before she said, “I’m guessing you’re guilty of that too.”
“I suppose I am.”
She nodded. “I was too. I went through most of my life like that. It wasn’t until my husband died and my kids left home that I realized it though. I was truly alone with myself and my thoughts for the first time in my life and that scared me.”
Bella rarely had a spare moment in her day, a chance to just breathe or think so she could relate. “What did you learn about yourself during that time?”
“That I’d wasted all those years not being grateful for the gifts I’d been given. My husband, my kids, my career as a teacher, those were blessings and I’d never expressed gratitude for them. Not out loud anyways. After I realized that everything changed. I changed.”
She watched Stella take another delicate bite before she asked, “How did you change?” She never expected this visit to result in a talk that would shift her own perspective about life, but seeing things through Stella’s eyes made her think about all the days she’d already wasted complaining when she should have been praising.
“I started telling the people in my life how much they meant to me. I started being kinder, more understanding, more forgiving, looking for ways to give back any way I could.”
“Sounds like a powerful way to live.” Bella wondered how her own life would change if she adopted some of those principles. She was ashamed to admit up to this point she’d been pretty self-absorbed.
“You have no idea.” Stella set the rest of her sandwich aside before taking a sip of water. “When you start living for other people instead of yourself it takes you out of your own head. Your problems start to seem insignificant when you realize other people have bigger problems.”
Perhaps that’s why Loran told her about this place. Because he wanted her to learn that lesson too. If that had been his intent she owed him a debt of gratitude because she didn’t know how long it would have taken for her to learn it on her own.
“We go through life chasing goals,” Stella continued. “Most young people do. I know I was guilty of it. First academic achievements, then landing a job, a promotion, a spouse, kids, the big houses and fancy cars.” She blew out a breath before a coughing spasm rattled her.
“Are you okay?” Bella asked, fearing the answer. “Should I call a nurse or—”
“No, no,” she said, waving her off. “I’m just fine. Don’t you worry about me.”
But Bella knew that she would. Now that she’d met Stella she knew she’d never forget her… or her words of wisdom.
�
��We’re so busy running on that damn treadmill we don’t even realize we’re not getting anywhere. Not really.”
It seemed apropos to Bella in that moment: a treadmill as a metaphor for life.
“But it doesn’t have to be that way.”
“It doesn’t?” As confused as she was, Bella couldn’t help but feel clarity was within reach.
Stella reached in to the pocket of her wheelchair and took out a pretty pink book with flowers and butterflies. “This is a blank journal. Loran gave it to me.”
“It’s lovely,” Bella said, smiling.
“I want you to have it.”
“No, I couldn’t.”
She pursed her thin lips before thrusting it into Bella’s hands. “You can and you will.”
“But I told you I’ve never journaled before. I wouldn’t know what to write.” That seemed to require a level of self-exploration she’d never been comfortable with.
“Write about what makes you happy, what you’re grateful for.” Stella smiled when she slipped the book into her purse. “Don’t write about your complaints or your fears. There will be time for that later, if you choose. Right now what you need is clarity.”
“How do you know that?” Bella asked, wondering if this old woman had some strange psychic power.
“I suspect you’re like most people.” She patted Bella’s hand. “Unable to see what’s right in front of you because you’re too busy focusing on the wrong things.”
Bella suspected they were talking about Loran now, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask. “And you think this journal will help me to start focusing on the right things?”
She tapped her own heart. “It will help you uncover what’s in here, sweet girl.”
Chapter Nine
Bella sat on her bed that night staring at the blank page and wondering what to write. She started with the date, hoping the rest would flow easily. As her mind began to drift back to everything Stella said that afternoon, her pen started to shoot across the page as she poured out her heart.
I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I don’t want to live a life that profits no one but myself. A little voice in her head told her that wasn’t fair, that her hard work helped her clients realize their dreams, but it still seemed superficial when she considered the people who were working at the hospice, helping those patients find peace in their last days.
Payback (Summer Rush #6) Page 9