“Neither will I, sweetheart. Neither will I.”
***
They rode home from the airport in silence that evening, holding hands, lost in their thoughts. Bella was happy to see him, but she felt as sad and lost as he did. They wouldn’t be going to visit Stella tomorrow, as they always had. Instead, they would be picking up a box of her things while trying to avoid looking at her favorite rocking chair by the window in the lounge.
“I got her children’s phone numbers from the hospice. Stella asked them to give the numbers to us when she passed.”
“Good. We’ll call them when we get home.”
Loran was driving her car, and he appeared to be driving in the direction of his home, not hers. Not that it mattered to Bella where they went. She just wanted to fall asleep in his arms tonight.
“I learned so much from her,” Bella said, staring out the window.
She watched a mother pushing a baby in a stroller. A cyclist stopping to take a drink from a water bottle. An elderly man taking a stroll with the aid of his walker. Life went on as though Stella hadn’t died and she realized it would be the same way when she died. Only a few hearts would break. Only a few people would be impacted by the loss of her life. She looked at the man next to her and knew if she lost him her heart wouldn’t just break, it would shatter into a million pieces.
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he whispered, squeezing her hand.
“Just thinking about how fragile life is.” Her breath hitched and she experienced a tightness in her chest that felt like a crushing sadness. “Stella knew her days were numbered. She had time to make peace with it. But what about the rest of us? Our lives could be cut short and we wouldn’t even have time to tell the people who mean the most to us how we feel about them.”
Loran looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “That’s one lesson Stella taught me. Don’t hold back. If you love someone, don’t just tell them, show them. Never let them doubt it.”
“I love that.” It made her feel bad that she’d waited so long to tell Loran how she felt about him. “And you,” she whispered. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” His smile was sad when he said, “I’m so glad you got to know her. That she had the same kind of impact on you that she had on me.”
Bella couldn’t imagine their friend not having a huge impact on the lives she touched. She was different from anyone Bella had ever known. She listened like every word mattered. Like every conversation she had was the most important one she’d ever had. Bella wanted to be just like her, treating the people in her life like they mattered, because they did.
“She taught me so much,” Bella said. “She taught me how to treat people. Before I met her I was so caught up in my own life. I thought my career was the be-all to end-all. Sure, my family and friends were important to me, but I didn’t make as much time for them as I should have.”
“We’re all guilty of that, I’m afraid.”
That was another thing she loved about Loran. He never made her feel guilty when she fell short. He just loved her as she was, flaws and all.
“But knowing Stella makes me want to do better. For her. For myself.” She smiled at Loran. “For you.”
His full lips tipped up and she reached across the seat to kiss him when he stopped at a red light.
“For me, huh?
“If we’re going to do this, we’re going to have to do it right.”
“Meaning?”
The old Bella would have held back, but losing Stella made her realize she couldn’t afford to live in fear any longer. Life was too short. Too precious for regrets. “You, and this relationship, have to be my top priority. Everything else is secondary.” Her mother once told her that was the recipe to a long and happy marriage, to let the other person know they mattered above all else.
“I like the sound of that.” He grinned. “And you know it goes both ways.”
It was different for him though. He didn’t have a nine to five job. He was a professional athlete with a long season and lengthy road trips. He had to be completely focused on his sport for more than half the year. Yet somehow her brother and Grace made that work.
“Just say it.”
Bella was still surprised he could read her so easily, like he’d known her forever. “Baseball is a huge part of your life. I know it won’t be easy once the season starts but—”
“Baseball isn’t my whole life, Bella. There was a time when it felt like it was. When getting this championship ring was the only thing that mattered. But a lot has changed since then.”
The same was true for her brother. Now that Ethan was married with a family of his own he considered baseball just a career, not his life anymore.
“Has it?”
She hadn’t known Loran when he was breaking into the league or working his butt off to get into a starting rotation on a contending team. She could only imagined how determined he’d had to be to make his dreams come true.
“Everything has changed.” He turned into his driveway and cut the engine before turning to face her. “Being with you has changed everything for me.”
She didn’t know how she could love him so much after such a short time, but she knew better than to question it. Her heart was in charge where Loran was concerned. And she didn’t have to wonder where it was leading her. She always knew. Right back to him.
“I feel the same way.”
He brushed his hands over her fingers, rubbing the ring finger on her left hand. “I want to see a wedding ring there. Sooner than later would be good.”
She nodded, fearing that less with every day that passed. “I want that too.”
He didn’t look surprised, or question her, which let her know he was beginning to trust what they had. Just as she was.
“You ready to go inside?” He took a deep breath. “To call Stella’s family and pass on our condolences?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Chapter Fifteen
After speaking to Stella’s kids Loran was emotionally and physically exhausted. He just wanted to wrap his girl up in his arms and shut the rest of the world out.
“You feel like opening a bottle of wine and heading out to the hot tub?” he asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. It was a simple gesture, but so intimate, reminding him that he’d never had that with another woman. He’d never wanted to take care of anyone the way he did Bella.
She looked adorably uncertain as she bit her lip. “I’d love that, but I don’t have a swimsuit.”
He laughed and it felt good. For the first time since he’d heard about Stella he’d actually laughed and he knew that’s what she would have wanted, for him to be happy again. To remember all the special moments they had, not to feel sad about losing her.
“I don’t think we have to worry about that. The property’s surrounded by trees out back. Unless you’re concerned about a squirrel getting an eyeful?”
“Shut up.” She laughed and pushed against his chest. “Fine, you open that bottle of wine while I go slip into one of your bath robes.”
He loved seeing her in his clothes. It felt cozy and familiar, like they’d always been a part of each other’s lives. “Grab one for me too.”
“You got it.”
He watched her walk up the stairs as he leaned against the wall, facing his internal struggle. His heart wanted him to quit wasting time and propose to the girl already, but his head was warning him to give her more time.
His phone buzzed and he reached for it, smiling when he saw his mother’s name. “Hey, I just got in.”
“Hi, honey. Just wanted to know how you were holding up?”
That was typical of her. She’d just been released from the hospital the day before and she was worrying about him. “I’m okay. Bella’s here with me.”
“Oh! I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”
He chuckled. He was sure his mother hadn’t meant that, but his mind immediately went there, thinking if
she’d called in a couple of hours she likely would have been interrupting. “No, we’re just opening a bottle of wine. Gonna head outside for a bit, just try and process the fact that she’s really gone.”
She sighed. “I wish I could have met Stella. She sounds like an incredible woman.”
Loran was sure Stella and his mother would have been fast friends. They were so much alike, which made him even more grateful he still had his mom in his life. “She was incredible. Just like you.” He cleared his throat, feeling the emotion creeping up on him again.
“Thank you.”
“You’re the best. You know that, right? I wouldn’t be where I am without you.” That was the reason he wanted to spoil her. It was the only way he knew how to show her how much he appreciated her sacrifices.
“You’d have found a way, sweetheart. You were the most determined kid I’d ever seen.”
He was determined. Because he wanted to give his mother and kid brother a better life. He was finally able to do that and it made everything he’d had to go through to get where he was more than worth it.
“You never let me give up.” He’d never said these things to her, never let her know that she’d been his rock. “Even when I hated a coach or had to ride the bench, you told me I’d look back on those things and laugh when I made it to the big leagues.”
“And I was right. Your mama is always right, young man. And don’t you forget it.”
He smiled. “I won’t.” He thought of his conversation with Stella’s kids. They spoke with so much pain and regret, wishing they could have spent more time with her. “I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re moving out here. It’ll be good for you. For both of us.” He would be on the road a lot, but he hoped Bella and her family would adopt his mother.
“I can’t wait,” she whispered. “Truth be told, I’ve been kind of lonely.” She cleared her throat. “Probably being in this old house, with all the wonderful memories of you boys growing up here. Makes me wish things were different.”
His mother wasn’t one to complain, so Loran had no idea she’d been struggling. “You ever think about getting married again?”
She laughed. “Are you kidding?”
“No, I’m serious.” After her divorce she’d devoted her life to raising her kids and earning a living, but the struggle was over now. Loran would love to see her find someone to love her. “You should think about dating again, when you move out here. There’s a senior’s centre not far from where you’ll be living. I bet you could meet some nice people there.”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I’ll think about it.”
“Promise?”
“I will. What’s the deal? Just because you’re in love you want the whole world to feel the same way?”
“I’m…” There were no words to describe his feelings for Bella, but he knew if anyone would understand, his mother would. She knew his heart better than anyone. “I’m in so deep, Mom. Like no way out without getting crushed. It kinda scares me.” He wasn’t used to admitting his fears to anyone, but where Bella was concerned they always rose to the surface.
“I know it does, honey. But what’s life without risk? That’s what makes you feel alive, right?”
He was all for taking risks. But not with his heart. That he’d always guarded. “Loving her makes me feel alive. Losing her would kill me.”
“You’re afraid you’re going to lose her?”
It was beginning to feel more like an irrational fear, but it was still there. “What if she wakes up one day and decides I’m not the guy for her after all? Maybe after a couple of kids?”
“Everyone who gets married takes that risk. Half the time it doesn’t work out. But you have to believe that you and Bella will be among the lucky ones. You can’t go into a relationship fearing it will fail.”
“I know.” It wasn’t like him. He wasn’t a pessimist. He was the guy who believed good things could happen for him. That was how he’d been drafted in the first round. “I want to believe in us.” He sighed. “You don’t know how much I want to believe it’ll work.”
“But?”
“I’ve got this thing in the pit of my stomach. Like every damn day it’s there and I can’t get rid of it.” It felt like fear and dread, and nothing seemed to eradicate it. Not even hearing her tell him she loved him.
“Why do think that is?”
“You know how messed up I was after Vegas.” His mother didn’t know all the details, just that he’d fallen hard for a girl and it didn’t work out. “I almost ruined everything, self-destructed. And I have to wonder if anyone is worth that.”
“Only you can answer that question,” she said, gently. “But if you’re going to live your life in fear, you’re going to live it alone. I don’t want that for you. And I really don’t think you want that for yourself.”
He’d been alone too long. “No, I don’t.”
“Just think about it. There’s no rush. You’ve got all the time in the world to decide.”
All the time in the world. It made him think of Stella. She was seventy-six when she passed. Not that old. He wondered if she’d thought she had a lot of years left before her diagnosis.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thanks for listening.”
“Anytime, you know that. I love you, honey.”
“Love you too. Talk to you later.”
Loran heard the floorboard creak behind him as he swiped to end the call. “Oh hey, that was my mom. Just calling to check in.”
She nodded, but her expression was blank.
His stomach dropped. Something wasn’t right. “What’s wrong?”
“Sounds like you’re having second thoughts about us. If you are you need to tell me. Now.”
“What?” His heart started beating so fast he felt like he’d run ten miles. “What are you talking about? Why would you think that?”
“You just told your mother you didn’t think anyone was worth it… what I put you through last time.”
“I…” He had said that, but he hadn’t meant it. Bella was worth it. She was worth anything.
“I get it,” she said, wrapping her arms around her body. “I do. I get where you’re coming from. It’s a lot. Things with me are complicated. I have a lot of baggage. It would be easier with someone else, someone who would give anything to be your wife.”
He closed in on her but his heart clenched when she took a step back before he could touch her. Damn it. They’d gotten so close, now he felt like they’d taken ten steps back. Just because he didn’t know when to keep his big mouth shut.
“I don’t want anyone else.” When she didn’t say anything he dragged a trembling hand through his hair. “Jesus, Bell. You’ve got to believe me.” He didn’t know what he’d do if she wouldn’t… or couldn’t.
“You said you have this pit in your stomach.” Her eyes filled with tears. “Maybe it’s uncertainty? Maybe it’s your intuition telling you this is wrong. That we’re not right for each other.”
“No!” Damn. She’d heard it all. Now he had to figure out how to convince her they weren’t the problem. He was. “That’s not it.”
“Isn’t it?”
She looked so sad. It tore him up knowing that he’d hurt her. “It’ll get better,” he whispered. “Easier. With time. We’ll learn to trust each other, to trust in what we have. The fear, apprehension, it’ll go away and—”
“You’re apprehensive?” A tear slid down her cheek and she brushed it away with her fingertips. “Why didn’t you tell me that? Why’d you let me fall in love with you if you were having doubts?”
“Bell.” He grabbed her shoulders, trying to make her see the truth in his eyes. “Listen to me. I am not having doubts about us.” Except he was. Not about whether he wanted to be with her, but whether she would always want to be with him.
“You’re lying.” She narrowed her eyes. “To me and yourself. I can see it when you look at me.”
He dropped his arms and turned his back on her
, reminding himself to breathe. This was shaping up to be one of the worst days of his life. He could not lose two people who were so important to him within days. He’d never survive that.
“You don’t understand.” He’d tried to suppress it but it kept bubbling up so he had to let it out. “I’ve played with guys who retired and lost it all. Their wives, kids, houses, money, all of it. Gone. They went from being on top of the world to having nothing. Some turned to alcohol, others drugs…” He shook his head, trying to ignore the images burned into his mind. Friends who were suicidal, trying to find one single reason to go on living.
“And you’re afraid that’s going to happen to you?”
“My father was a homeless alcoholic when he died. Is it such a stretch to think I could end up just like him?” He drew a deep breath. “Okay, maybe not homeless, but a drunk. After what happened in Vegas I hit the bottle. Hard. I almost lost my spot in the rotation. The Skip told me if I didn’t get my act together I was going down to the minors until I did.” He snapped his fingers. “Just like that everything I’d worked for almost slipped through my fingers. So don’t tell me it can’t happen. It can and it does.”
She stared at him, like she couldn’t process his rant. “And you believe it will.” Her voice was soft, raspy. “You believe you’ll retire and I won’t want you anymore.”
He bit down so hard on his lip he expected to taste blood. His hands were curled into fists and it felt like there was ice running through his veins.
“You can’t promise me you will.” He’d had friends whose wives promised they would never leave. But they did. “You don’t know what it’s like to live with a former athlete, a guy who’s lost his will to live because he can no longer do the one thing he’s loved since he was a kid.” He didn’t know why he was saying these things, why he was driving her further away, but he couldn’t help himself.
It was the reason he’d never let himself fall in love before. Because he’d seen too many of his friends and former teammates lose their families the same year they lost the game they loved.
“No, I don’t.” She looked up at him and he saw the anguish in her eyes. “Sounds to me like you’re letting your fear of something that may never happen get in the way of what we could have.” She held her hand up when he started to object. “Believe me, I get it. I did the same thing, remember? Let my fear get in the way.”
Payback (Summer Rush #6) Page 15