Why did they keep doing this, he wondered? Were they destined to keep hurting each other? “I’m trying to get a handle on this, Bella. Believe me, I am.” But he wasn’t doing a very good job of it, clearly.
“I know you are.” She reached for the banister and started to make her way back upstairs. “I just hope you can. For both our sakes.”
***
Loran woke up the next morning with the taste of bitterness, scotch and regret on his tongue as his talk with Bella came flooding back. It wasn’t even an argument. That might have been easier to deal with. What they had felt more like a resigned exchange. Like they both felt helpless to control their feelings or their fears.
He forced his eyes open and stared at the ceiling, wondering what he should do next. He couldn’t just send her flowers and apologize for the things he’d said. He hadn’t said anything he didn’t mean and she knew that.
His phone rang and he snatched it off the nightstand, praying it was her. He didn’t know what to say. He just wanted to talk to her.
Ethan. “Hey, E.” Maybe he’d talked to his sister and was calling to let him have it for being a dumbass and hurting her again. Loran wouldn’t blame him. “What’s up?”
“You feel like hittin’ the gym today?” He laughed. “I know we both have home gyms, but sometimes I go a little stir crazy at home, ya know? Need to get out.”
“Yeah, sure. Sounds good.” Loran wouldn’t mind working some of his frustrations out on the heavy bag. “You talked to Bella yet today?”
“No, I kind of thought she might be there with you. She’s not?”
“No, she went home last night.”
Ethan paused. “Everything okay between you two?”
Loran grabbed his forehead. Nothing was okay. It felt like everything was up for grabs. Again. “I wish I could say it was, but—”
“What the hell happened? You guys were so tight at my parent’s place.”
“She overheard me talking to my mom last night.” If anyone would understand his fears, Ethan would. He’d seen it too, former ball players losing it all, and fighting just to get through the day. “I was telling her that I was having a hard time believing me Bella would…”
“What?”
He didn’t feel right giving a voice to his fears. In his heart he knew Bella would never leave him because he couldn’t play ball anymore. What scared him was that after his career he would become the kind of man she couldn’t love anymore.
“Don’t you ever worry about what’s going to happen to you after you can’t play ball anymore?” Loran felt his gut clench just thinking about that chapter in his life ending. Playing ball is all he’d ever known and the only thing he’d ever wanted. Except for Bella.
“Sure, I think about it. But I’ve got Gracie and the kids. They’ll give me the reason I need to get out of bed in the morning. I’ll find something else, besides baseball, to give my life meaning. We both will.”
Loran thought about the off-season. It had been torture for him to get through it the first couple of years, because he’d been young and dumb. Partying too much. Sleeping too late. Eating like crap. Not able to work out. Totally off his game. Things were better now. He took better care of himself during the off-season and had found causes that were important to him to fill his time.
“I guess I’m just scared of that. We’ve both seen some guys get pretty messed up after they retire. They lose so much, man. Their wives, kids, money…”
“Yeah, but that’s ‘cause they weren’t mentally prepared for the game to end. They thought it could last forever. It can’t, you know that. Nothing can last forever.”
Not even his relationship with Bella? Could that last forever or was he just kidding himself? “I don’t want there to come a time when I make your sister miserable because I’m going through life without a purpose. I don’t want to be a jerk to live with or—”
“Wait, a minute. What the hell are you talking about? Why are you doing this?”
Loran propped another pillow behind his head. Damn. It smelled like Bella’s perfume. “Doing what? I’m just trying to be real with myself and with your sister. I want her to know what can happen to guys like me… and you… when it’s all over.”
“I already told you that’s not gonna happen to me,” Ethan said, sounding annoyed. “And you don’t have to let it happen to you. It’s a choice. My family means everything to me. Nothing comes before Grace and my kids. The way I see it, they’ll be better off having me around all the time, not worse. I’ll be there for every ball game and dance recital. I’ll be there to scare the boys off on first dates and slip my son a fifty when he’s taking a girl to the movies. That’s a blessing, Loran. Being there for those firsts in my kids’ lives. No way could I see it any other way.”
Loran listened to his friend. He knew he was right. They were so lucky to be in a profession that paid them so well and allowed them to retire early, with so much of their lives left to enjoy.
“I guess it just freaks me out, having so many years left after I quit pitching, and having no idea what the hell I’ll do every day.”
“Play your cards right and you could spend those days with my sister. Being a father to your kids. Lending your name and ugly mug to causes that mean something to you.”
Loran smiled. Ethan was right. Just because his career was going to end didn’t mean his life had to. “Yeah, I guess.”
“You could start another business. Finish your degree. Coach. Hell, you can do whatever you want, Loran. You’re one of the best pitchers in the game. You can write your own ticket if you still want baseball to be a part of your life.”
Baseball wouldn’t mean much to him if he didn’t have Bella to share the rest of his life with.
“I think I screwed things up with your sister.”
“Again?” Ethan sighed. “You’re an idiot.”
“Thanks. You think I don’t know that?”
“You’re not alone. I was an idiot with Grace too. We all go through that. The growing pains of new relationships.”
Loran hoped that’s all it was. He couldn’t be sure Bella wasn’t ready to write him off after his meltdown last night. “You mind if I blow off the gym today? I think I need to go see Bella, make sure we’re good.”
“Yeah, no problem. If you know what’s good for you you’ll make keeping my sister happy you’re top priority from now on. Quit sabotaging this relationship, Loran. We both know it’s the best thing that’s ever gonna happen to you.”
Loran felt that knot in his stomach finally give way. Ethan was right. It didn’t get any better than him and Bella. As long as he focused on feeling good, staying positive and making his girl happy, nothing could shake them.
“Thanks, Ethan. I needed to hear that.”
“No problem. That’s what friends are for.”
***
Bella’s hands were shaking as she gripped the steering wheel. She hadn’t checked her voice mail messages until she got home last night and there was one letting her know that her college boyfriend was appearing before the parole board day after tomorrow. She had a right to speak, if she chose to. It was his first parole hearing since he’d been incarcerated. The first time she’d ever had to see him face-to-face since the trial.
She wasn’t the same traumatized girl she’d been then. She was stronger now. Older, more mature. But she knew it wouldn’t be easy, no matter how much time had passed since he attacked her.
The phone rang and Grace’s number flashed across the screen. Since she hadn’t told anyone, other than her assistant that she was leaving town for a few days, she knew she’d better fill her best friend in so she didn’t worry.
“Hi, Grace.”
“Hey, what’s going on? I just passed by your office and found out you’re out of town. Where are you headed?”
“Uh, something came up, kind of last minute.” She pulled into the parking lot of a Starbucks and took her seatbelt off. “Sorry, I didn’t have time to call before
I left.”
“Is everything okay, Bell? You sound kind of stressed.”
She hadn’t slept much last night. Her talk with Loran combined with the knowledge that she’d have to make this trip, set her on edge. “I just have something to take care of, something I’m not looking forward to.”
“Tell me!”
“Parole hearing. My ex might be getting out of jail.” Just the thought of him walking free turned her stomach. That monster deserved to be behind bars for as long as the law would allow. “I need to say my piece, try to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
“Oh my God, why didn’t you tell me? I could have gone with you. Wait, Loran’s with you, isn’t he?”
“Uh no.” Bella rolled the window down a crack and turned the car off. “We kind of got into it last night. I’m not really sure where things stand, to be honest.” Tears welled up in her eyes but she refused to let them fall. “But I can’t think about that now. I just need to get through this parole hearing tomorrow, then I’ll worry about what’s going to happen with Loran.”
“Oh no! I can’t believe you’re going through this alone. Did you drive or fly? Can I meet you somewhere or—”
“Gracie, stop. I love you for wanting to be here for me, but I really can handle this on my own. I need to.” It’s not that she wouldn’t have liked Loran’s strong shoulder to lean on, but if she had to go it alone, she could. She was used to being alone.
“Will you at least text me the hotel where you’re staying?” She heaved a sigh. “So I’ll know where to find you if there’s an emergency?”
“Sure.” Bella was going to remind her friend that she always had her cell phone on her and charged, but didn’t feel like wasting her breath pointing out the obvious. “Listen, I’m sitting in front of a Starbucks right now, dying for a coffee. So I’ll text you the details about the hotel where I’m staying and let you know when I get there, okay.”
“You better!”
Even if she never found forever with her soul mate at least she had her best friend. That was more than a lot of people had.
Chapter Sixteen
Loran stumbled back when he opened his door and Grace shoved him as hard as she could. “Hey, what the hell?”
“I am so mad at you right now, Loran! What is wrong with you? You claim to love my girl, yet you keep screwing everything up!”
Wow. Loran had never seen Gracie so fired up. He held his key fob up. “Relax, will you? I’m going to see her right now. I’ll make things right.” He hoped.
“You’re a little late for that. She’s gone.”
“What?” Loran slammed the door. “What do you mean she’s gone? Where did she go?”
“She left town!” She threw her hands up in the air. “Alone, thanks to you.”
He closed his eyes and tipped his head back. This was worse than he thought if Bella felt she needed to get away from him. “Where did she go?”
Grace curled her hands into fists and propped them on her waist. “Apparently her ex is up for parole.”
“What?” Loran felt the rage bubbling up. If they let that guy back out on the street he’d better find a damn good hiding spot because he’d find him. Jail was the safest place for him if he valued his life.
“You heard me. He’s up for parole.” Her shoulders slumped. “And Bella felt she needed to go there and do her part to make sure he didn’t get out.”
“Go where?” He couldn’t let Bella go through this alone. He only hoped he wasn’t too late.
“You’re lucky,” Grace said, holding up her phone. “I made her tell me where she’s staying.”
He jogged up the stairs to pack a bag, yelling over his shoulder, “Text me the details.”
“Not so fast,” Grace said, chasing him up the stairs to his bedroom. “I want to know what happened between you two last night. Bella said you had it out.”
Loran loved Grace like a sister, but she could be nosy at times and right now he just needed a little peace and quiet to process his thoughts. Bella must have been really pissed at him if she left town without so much as a text to let him know she was leaving and when she’d be back.
He grabbed a suitcase out of his walk-in closet and tossed it on the bed before he started rifling through his armoire. “I’m an idiot, okay. That’s all you need to know.”
“No, it’s not!” She stepped in front of him, arms crossed. “If I’m going to trust you with my best friend’s heart you’re going to have to do better than that.” When he didn’t respond, she glared at him. “Listen, Loran. I let a man hurt her before, I am never going to do that again.”
Loran understood why Grace felt so protective of Bella. Like the rest of them, she was reeling after learning what she’d endured alone. “I was just having some doubts last night—”
“You were having doubts?” She threw her hands up in the air. “What the hell is wrong with you? I’ve watched you mope around the past year, practically self-destructing because Bella wouldn’t give you the time of day. Now that you finally have her you’re having doubts? Are you kidding me?”
Loran let Grace wind down as he continued packing. He didn’t know when the parole hearing was and he didn’t have a minute to spare. “I wasn’t having doubts about her. I was having doubts about me, about the kind of husband I could be to her after baseball. If she’d still want me if I turned into a moody—”
“Wait a minute?” Grace grabbed his shoulder. “You said husband. Are you thinking about proposing to her?”
He’d been thinking about it every minute since she walked out on him. He wanted Bella in his life forever and watching her leave last night reminded him that he couldn’t live without her again.
“Yeah, I am.” He bit his lip as he waited for Grace to say something. When she didn’t he asked, “Do you think I’m crazy? Is it too soon? Would I just push her away or spook her, proposing before she’s ready?” If anyone would know where her head and heart were it was Grace.
“I think you’d be crazy not to follow your heart.” She patted his chest. “You clearly love her. You’ve told her that, right?”
He nodded.
“And has she told you?”
He nodded again when the words got trapped in his throat.
“You know she’s never said that to another guy, right?” Grace smiled. “She once told me if she ever found the right man she’d tell him, but he’d be the only one she ever said those words to. I guess you’re the lucky one, Loran. Congratulations.”
He felt like the luckiest man in the world to have earned Bella’s love. “I keep disappointing her.” And knowing that killed him. “I want to be the man she needs me to be, but I have issues too, Gracie. Things from my past that keep coming back to haunt me.” An image of his dad, drunk and slumped in the streets with all his worldly possessions surrounding him flashed through his mind.
“We all have issues, believe me. It wasn’t easy for me and Ethan either. We had a past. We’d hurt each other. We had to rebuild the trust. Slowly. One day at a time.”
Now Loran didn’t know two people who were more in love or more trusting of each other than his friends. “So, you think me and Bella can get there?”
“I know you can, if you’re willing to work at it. If you guys are willing to make your relationship your top priority.”
That wouldn’t be hard for him, nothing was more important to him than Bella. “When is the parole hearing? I have a pit-stop to make on my way out of town, if I have time?”
“You have time,” Grace said. “Parole hearing’s not ‘til tomorrow.”
***
Loran showed up on Bella’s parents’ doorstep after a quick call to confirm they’d be home. He didn’t know if she’d told them about the attack yet, so he intended to remain tight-lipped about her whereabouts, if they asked.
Bev opened the door even before he could ring the bell. “Hi,” she said, smiling warmly as she opened her arms to him. “This is a nice surprise. So, what brings you by?�
��
He’d confirmed Bella’s father was home when he called. He couldn’t have this conversation without him. “I just wanted to talk to you guys about something kind of important.” For him it was life-altering. He just hoped they would be pleased.
“Of course, come in.” She clasped Loran’s arm as she closed the door. “Dan is in the living room.”
Bella’s father stood when Loran walked into the room, offering his hand. “Good to see you, Loran. I’ve got to admit I’m curious though. What’s this all about?”
Loran didn’t know if he was making a huge mistake. They’d just found out he was dating their daughter. Now he was about to drop a bombshell that might backfire. “Um, I wanted to talk to you about Bella.”
Bev gestured to one of two chairs flanking the fireplace as she pointed to a tray with coffee and baked goods.
“Is everything okay with her? I called her earlier, but she seemed kind of distracted. I assumed she was working, but when I call her at work she’s usually willing to take a quick break to chat. Today it was like she couldn’t wait to get me off the phone.”
Bella clearly didn’t want her parents to know she’d left town or why and he wasn’t going to be the ones to tell them. “I think she’s just got a lot on her mind.” And he couldn’t wait to be with her, to help her process everything she must be going through.
“Ethan tells me you two have gotten close,” Dan said, looking at him over the rim of his silver-framed glasses. “That true?”
“Yes, sir.” Loran looked down at his laced hands, trying to find the words to put their minds at ease. “Very close. In fact, that’s why I’m here. I’m in love with your daughter.”
They shared a smile before Bev said, “That’s not exactly a secret, honey.”
“I guess it’s not.” He’d always had a great relationship with Bella’s parents, but that was when he was one of Ethan’s best friends. Not the man who wanted to marry their baby girl. “I can tell you both, in all honesty, that I’ve never felt about anyone the way I do about Bella. There’s no doubt in my mind she’s the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
Payback (Summer Rush #6) Page 16