He swallowed the ball of fear lodged in his throat as he tried to find a way to un-do the mess he’d made. The woman he loved was crushed because she’d lost their baby and was clearly blaming herself, and he couldn’t even console her, or grieve with her because his stupidity cost him that right.
“Just tell me everything,” he said, his voice shaky. “What happened? How—”
“I don’t owe you anything.” She narrowed her eyes, balling her hands into fists at her sides. “I’m heartbroken, trying to come to terms with losing a baby I didn’t even know I was having with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with—”
“Don’t say that.” His gut trembled with nerves as he felt his whole world crumbling. “I was an idiot for even suggesting you could sleep with someone else, but the way you—”
“Take this,” she said, removing her engagement ring, and slipping it into the pocket of his suit jacket. “I can’t be engaged to a man who doesn’t trust me.”
“Oh my God, what are you talking about? You can’t end this! Are you serious right now?” Just a few hours ago he’d been the happiest man on the planet. Now he was losing everything? This couldn’t be happening.
“Dead serious.”
The heartbreak was evident in her eyes. But the rage was lurking too, letting him know it would take more than an apology to make things right.
“You just accused me of cheating on you. Of getting pregnant with another man’s baby.”
When she said it aloud it sounded so outrageous he couldn’t even believe he’d been dumb enough to let that idea enter his mind. This woman was the love of his life, his best friend, she would never betray him that way.
“I’m sorry.” His apology sounded so empty, so hollow, because they were just… words. They couldn’t possibly make up for the pain he’d caused her with that one stupid question. Was the baby mine? His stomach roiled when he realized those four little words could rob him, them, of everything.
She looked at him like he was certifiable. “You’re sorry? You’re sorry you accused me, your fiancée, of sleeping around? Of—”
“I didn’t say you slept around.” His stupidity was only making a bad situation worse. He had to keep his mouth shut before his grave got any deeper.
“But you assumed I’d slept with someone else.”
He knew how he let the doubt creep in. Late nights when she was supposed to be in her hotel room, working, but didn’t answer his phone. She’d told him she fell asleep, and he believed her, but apparently the fears and doubt had been lying dormant in his subconscious, waiting to re-surface.
“No.”
“You’re lying.”
She knew him so well, could read him so easily. “I thought maybe there was alcohol involved and…” He shook his head when she covered her face with her hands. “It doesn’t matter what I thought. I was a stupid bastard for allowing my insecurity to—”
“Still with that? Really?”
Her shoulders slumped and she looked so weary that Loran just wanted to wrap her up in his arms and take care of her. But he’d forfeited that right when he accused her of the most egregious betrayal possible.
“I thought we were past that,” she whispered. “I thought you finally trusted me. That you believed I’d never hurt you, or betray you, or leave you.”
But she was leaving him. The engagement ring burning a hole in his pocket proved that. And it was all his fault. “It was just a moment of weakness, Bell. Please, you gotta believe me. I do trust you, but when you said you’d screwed up and hated yourself for something you did—”
“You naturally assumed I’d cheated and gotten pregnant with another man’s baby.” She widened the gap between them. “Wow. Talk about assuming the worst.”
“I’m sorry.” He’d never be able to say it enough to make up for the mistake he’d made, but they were the only words he had. “I love you so much, sweetheart. Please. I can’t lose you.”
“I screwed up,” she said, raising her head to look him in the eye. “Because I didn’t take better care of myself. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, so I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t taking pre-natal vitamins. I was working too hard, too stressed out.” She shook her head, drawing a deep breath. “I’d been drinking some at parties too. The doctor said they couldn’t pinpoint the cause of the miscarriage, but I couldn’t help but blame myself.” Her hand drifted to her stomach and a fresh wave of tears spilled down her cheeks. “If I’d taken better care of our baby maybe…”
“Don’t do that to yourself,” he whispered, trying to reach out to her before she pushed him away. “Don’t blame yourself. This wasn’t your fault. It just wasn’t meant to be, sweetheart.”
“It wasn’t meant to be,” she echoed, staring at him like she was looking at a stranger. “That’s all you have to say about the fact that we lost our baby today, Loran. Really?”
He was swallowing convulsively, trying to keep his emotions in check so he could get the words out. He wasn’t downplaying their loss. It tore his heart out. He just didn’t want her to blame herself. “I didn’t mean that—”
“Maybe you’re right,” she said, softly. “It just wasn’t meant to be.”
Panic rose when she crossed the balcony and reached for the door handle. As long as she was willing to talk to him, he still had a chance. But if she shut him down and cut him out of her life, it was over.
“Don’t go. Please. Let’s talk about this. Let me make up for—”
“You can’t.” She shook her head, closing her eyes. “I just need time to think. Give me that.”
***
It was killing Loran not to go after her, but he had to respect her wishes. If he demanded she talk to him now she might tell him the words he dreaded most: it was too late. The damage was done.
“Hey, where’d Bella go?” Ethan asked. “Wasn’t she feeling well?”
She hadn’t been feeling well when he guilted her into coming to the wedding with him. Now he knew why. She was reeling, trying to come to terms with their loss on her own, and he’d been the selfish bastard who was too blind to see it. He’d never hated himself more than he did in that moment, knowing Bella was probably at home, crying herself to sleep, because of him.
Loran stared at the man who’d become like family to him. He didn’t want to tell anyone what he’d done, but if Bella wouldn’t let him support her, she’d need her family.
“Step outside with me?” Loran asked. “We, uh, need to talk about something.”
Ethan frowned. “Sounds serious. Everything okay?”
He’d asked Bella the same question, not knowing that her whole world had just been turned upside down.
“No, it’s not.” He led the way outside and waited for Ethan to close the door before he said, “I screwed up, man. Big time.” That was a gross understatement, but there were no other words to describe what he’d done.
“What the hell did you do?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to breathe through the pain. “I…” He couldn’t get the words out. He cleared his throat, determined to try again. This wasn’t about him. Ethan needed to know, so he could be there for his sister. “Uh, Bella just told me that she’d had a miscarriage. We didn’t know she was pregnant. The doctor just filled her in today.”
“Jesus.” Ethan hung his head, swearing softly. “I’m sorry, man. That must have come as one hell of a blow, to both of you.”
Tears stung Loran’s eyes as the truth settled in his heart. He’d just lost a baby with the love of his life today. And based on his stupidity, it may have been their one and only shot to conceive. “Bella was wrecked.” He tried to clear his throat again, but the tears made it impossible. “She thought it was her fault that she’d miscarried because she hadn’t taken good care of herself.”
“She shouldn’t blame herself,” Ethan said. “From what I know, miscarriages aren’t all that uncommon with first pregnancies and sometimes there’s no reason for it
. Just wasn’t meant to be.”
His own words came back to haunt him, and he knew that Ethan was only trying to help, but he understood how insensitive those words must have sounded to Bella. “She was pregnant with a baby we didn’t even know we wanted.” His voice was raw as he stabbed his fingers through his hair. “But now that I know… God…” He gripped the railing before dropping his head. His stomach was roiling. His heart breaking. If this was a nightmare he’d give anything to wake up.
“I’m sorry, buddy.” Ethan stepped up beside him, leaning over the railing beside him. “I know it sucks, but you guys can try again. After you’re married, when things settle down and—”
He pulled the engagement ring out of his pocket and thrust it in his friend’s face. “Bella gave this back to me tonight. She’s done with me.” His heart and gut protested the statement, but he couldn’t deny the evidence staring back at him in the form of the ring she’d never taken off. Until tonight.
“What?” Ethan shook his head. “No way. I don’t believe it. You guys are so solid. Bella loves you, man. If you had some stupid fight—”
“It was more than that.” Spitting those words out was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, but it felt like penance, and he deserved that and more. “When she told me she’d lost the baby… I asked if it was mine.”
Ethan grabbed him, hauling him up by the front of his jacket as he got in his face. “You asked her what?”
Loran opened his arms. “Take your best shot. I deserve it.” He deserved to have all of his teeth knocked out and his head stomped on.
Ethan shook him before swearing and stepping back. “How could you do that? You know how much that girl loves you! How could you even think she’d sleep with someone else?”
“I don’t know.” It didn’t make sense. Bella showed him, every day, in every way, how much she loved him. No one, outside of his own family, had ever loved him the way that woman did. “I just…” There was no way he could excuse what he said, so he didn’t even bother trying.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Ethan demanded, glaring at him. “You need to hunt her down, hit the goddamn ground and beg her on your knees, to take you back and forgive you for being the stupidest asshole—”
“You don’t think I want to do that?” Loran was so disgusted with himself he wouldn’t blame Bella if she never wanted to see him again. “But I can’t force her to forgive me or take me back. I need to give her time to sort this shit out and pray that when she does she’ll realize how much I love her and how sorry I am.”
“And if she doesn’t?”
“If she doesn’t…” My life will never be the same again. “I don’t know, man. I fought for her before. I’ll fight for her again. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’m not giving up on her. I can’t.”
Chapter Nineteen
Bella was at work the day after she broke off her engagement, and lost her baby, trying to pretend the walls weren’t closing in on her. Just twenty-four hours ago she’d been on top of the world, now she felt like she was buried in a hole so deep she might never crawl out.
“Hey,” Grace said, sticking her head through the half-open door. “Feel like a little company?” She held up a tray with a paper bag and coffee from their favorite bakery. “Apple danish.”
She’d never been so happy to see her best friend. Bella was driving herself crazy with her own thoughts. “Get in here.” She studied Grace, trying to read her expression. “You know?”
Grace set the tray down before walking around the desk and pulling Bella into her arms. “I am so sorry, honey. Loran told Ethan what happened after you left the wedding last night. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through.”
Bella absorbed Grace’s warmth. Ever since she’d left the wedding she’d been chilled to the bone and couldn’t get warm no matter how many layers she added. Not even the hot bath or heavy duvet helped. It was like ice had settled into her veins.
She held Bella at arm’s length. “Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling.”
“Honestly, I’m numb.” She didn’t know if Loran had the guts to tell Ethan the whole story or if Grace was referring to the miscarriage. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Come here,” Grace said, putting her arm around Bella’s shoulders and leading her towards the two-seater sofa in the corner of the room. “Sit down. I can’t believe you’re even here today. You should be at home resting.”
“Home,” she echoed, feeling a new sense of emptiness settle over her. Since their engagement, home had been the house she shared with Loran, but last night she’d gone back to her place. Thankfully the tenants she’d rented to didn’t move in for a few more weeks, so she had the place to herself until she figured out how to sort out the mess that was her life. “I’m not even sure where that is anymore, Grace. I thought home was anywhere Loran was, but—”
“After the horrible things he said to you, you’re not so sure?” She sighed. “I get that, believe me. If your brother had asked me that question when I announced I was pregnant with our baby I think I would have strangled him.”
“Then you do know the whole story.” Bella was surprised Loran had the guts to come clean with her brother. Maybe his conscience made him do it.
“Yeah, Loran told Ethan everything.” She passed Bella the paper bag and pushed the tray of coffees closer. “It doesn’t make sense. Loran knows how much you love him. How could he even think you’d do something like that?”
“I wish I knew.” Bella set the danish on a napkin to appease her friend, but she knew the delicious pastry would taste like sawdust. She’d hadn’t been able to eat anything since before her blow-out with Loran last night. “I guess it’s his old insecurities coming back to haunt him.” She pulled the plastic lid back and took a sip before wrapping her hands around the cup. “I thought we were past all that, but clearly I was wrong. He still doesn’t trust me, and if he doesn’t trust me now, he probably never will. And I can’t live like that, under a constant cloud of suspicion, when I’ve done nothing wrong.”
“I don’t blame you.” Grace squeezed her arm. “But honey, you really need to think about this. Loran is…” She bit her lip. “God Bell, he’s the love of your life. I’ve known you forever and you’ve never felt this way about anyone. You’ve never been happier than you’ve been with him either. Maybe you guys could work this out? Counselling or--”
“He accused me of sleeping with someone else, Grace.” It still felt like a punch to the gut every time she thought about it. “How do you get over something like that?”
“I’m not sure.” She bit her lip. “But I know couples who’ve moved past some pretty terrible things. Infidelity, secrets, lies…” She shook her head. “I’m not saying it would be easy. But maybe it would be worth it?”
Bella wanted to believe it was possible to salvage their relationship, but would going back to him make her a fool? He’d already proven he didn’t trust her, and hadn’t gotten past his issues, in spite of the strong foundation they’d been building. How could she just overlook that?
“Would it be worth it?” She took a bite of her danish, knowing she needed to put something in her stomach. “Or would I just be setting myself up for a lot more heartache down the road? What if he never learns to trust me? What if his jealousy eats away at him and erodes our marriage? I travel a lot, so does he, and if there are kids involved…” She swallowed, trying to push the pain back down. “It would be so much worse.”
Grace closed her eyes. “I’m so sorry about the miscarriage, Bella. I know you guys weren’t planning to start a family yet, but still, it must have been a terrible blow.”
“It’s weird,” she said, still trying to process her feelings about the pregnancy. “Having a baby hadn’t even been on my radar. I mean, I knew we’d have kids eventually, but I didn’t think it would be this soon.”
“How did you find out you were pregnant?” Grace whispered, her expression pa
ined. “Did you have any symptoms or—”
“I’d had a lot of lower back pain, which is unusual for me. I didn’t want to say anything to Loran because I didn’t want to worry him. My cycle wasn’t normal either. It was more like clotting and the cramping was a lot worse than it usually is. So I went to the doctor and he did a blood test. It confirmed the higher HcG levels, so I was, or had been pregnant but—”
“It’s okay,” Grace said, taking the coffee and putting her arm around Bella when she started crying. “I know how horrible it must have been, finding out like that.”
Bella covered her face with her hands, shaking her hand. “I was going to tell Loran as soon as I got home, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was still in shock, to be honest. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep for a week. But I let him talk me into going to that wedding and…” Reliving that day was almost as painful as living it had been. “I looked at him across the room and realized I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had to tell him what happened.”
“But you never expected the reaction you got,” Grace said, sighing. “God, I still can’t believe it. I can’t even imagine how you felt.”
“I don’t know what to do.” She shuddered and tried rubbing her arms to ward off the chill. “I know I ended it, but did I do the right thing?” She couldn’t imagine another alternative. It wasn’t only that he’d hurt her deeply with his question, but he’d acknowledged he didn’t trust her. And how could she marry a man who didn’t trust her? It didn’t seem possible.
“I think you did the only thing you could do under the circumstances. In that moment, you were acting out of anger and fear. Disappointment and sadness.” She frowned. “He was supposed to be there for you and he wasn’t.”
On the ride home in the Uber Bella realized that hurt almost as much as his accusation. He hadn’t even attempted to absorb her pain. He’d actually implied losing their baby may have been for the best, and she didn’t know how to process that.
Loran wasn’t cruel. He wasn’t insensitive. And she never could have believed he would have hurt her intentionally, but there was no way she could just excuse his abhorrent behaviour. No man, no matter how much she loved him, or how sorry he claimed to be, was going to turn her into a doormat.
Payback (Summer Rush #6) Page 19