A tap on the door made Bella jump. If it was Loran she didn’t want to see him. She wasn’t ready. Bella swiped at the tears streaking her face. “Oh God, I hate to ask, but would you mind running interference for me? In case it’s him? I just can’t deal with this right now.”
“Of course,” Grace said, jumping up and crossing the room.
Bella heard her assistant and Grace exchange a few words before her best friend re-entered carrying a crystal vase… containing a replica of the flowers she’d selected for the centerpieces at their wedding. He’d obviously ordered them from their florist.
“I don’t believe this,” Bella muttered, staring at the array of white roses, clematis, and Japanese andromeda.
Grace set them down on the corner of Bella’s desk before plucking an envelope from the bouquet. “Obviously you know who they’re from, but do you want to read the card?”
“I can’t believe he thinks he can make up for this with flowers!” Bella didn’t know how she expected him to make up for this, or whether he even could, but flowers definitely weren’t the answer.
“Do you want me to read it?”
Bella almost told her to rip it up and throw it in the trash, along with the flowers, but her heart protested. Twenty-four hours ago this man had been the centre of her world. She couldn’t be hateful or vindictive, no matter how much she might want to.
“Sure, why not?” It’s not like he could say or do anything to make matters worse.
“Bella,” Grace read. “I made the biggest mistake of my life last night. It was inexcusable and unforgiveable. If you’re done with me, I understand, but I pray you’re not, baby. I love you more than anything. And I want to be there for you, every day for the rest of our lives. If you’ll let me? Loran.”
Grace and Bella drew a simultaneous breath before Bella palmed her forehead, and whispered, “What the hell am I gonna do?”
“Follow your heart, sweetheart. That’s all you can do.”
***
Loran was gripping his phone, wrestling with the decision to call Bella. He was sure she’d gotten the flowers by now, but he couldn’t ignore the gnawing in his gut that told him he’d only made things worse by sending them.
Flowers. Such a stupid, trivial gesture, when it felt like his whole future was at stake. You sent flowers to a co-worker for her birthday, not the love of your life after you ripped her heart out and stomped on it.
His doorbell rang and his heart tripped as he said a silent prayer that it was her. If she was at least willing to talk to him maybe he could make her understand what he’d been thinking and feeling when he asked that… vile question.
He swung the door open and his hope died. “Hey Grace, you come to tear me a new one?” He gestured for her to enter. “Do your worst. There’s nothing you could call me I haven’t already called myself.”
Grace looked miserable as her eyes met his. “I just have one question for you. Why?”
He sucked in a harsh breath, wishing it wasn’t so damn hard to breathe past the pain lodged in his chest. “Because I’m an asshole, that’s why. A stupid, thoughtless, senseless, inconsiderate—”
“Why?” she cut in. “Were you having second thoughts about marrying her? Trying to sabotage the relationship?” She pushed her thick hair off her face when it fell forward. “Because I’ve been wracking my brain trying to make sense of this and that’s the only thing that comes to mind.”
Loran couldn’t expect Grace to make sense of it when he couldn’t. He swiped a hand over his mouth as his mind drifted back to the previous night. Her words. His. The crushing realization that he could never take that question back and no amount of apologizing would erase it from her memory.
“No, it was nothing like that.”
She gripped his forearm, curling her fingertips into his skin. “Then please help me understand, Loran. You know I’ve been rooting for you guys all along, but you have to help me understand how and why you did this.”
He’d expected her anger, but he’d never expected her pain and anguish. She’d obviously been to see her best friend and was heartbroken over the state she found her in. Thanks to him and his thoughtlessness.
“The things she said.” He closed his eyes as he heard Bella’s voice reciting those words. “She said it was too late, that she’d screwed up and she hated herself for what she’d done. She said she was sorry.”
Bella looked at him, confusion drawing her brows together. “I don’t understand. Why would she say that?”
He tipped his head back, wishing he’d been able to keep his mouth shut long enough to let Bella have her say last night, before he’d jumped to outrageous conclusions. “She thought it was her fault that she’d had the miscarriage.” He shook his head. “Because of the stress she’d been under. Not taking care of herself, not eating right, or working too hard… I don’t know.”
“Oh God.” Grace drew a deep breath. “I’m a woman, I get it. You believe it’s your responsibility to protect your baby. When you can’t you feel guilty, even when it’s not your fault. Poor Bella.” She narrowed her eyes. “I understand why she felt the way she did. But you? I don’t get that at all.”
“When she said she was sorry, that she’d messed up…” He could kick his own ass for thinking the worst of her after she’d always given him the best of herself. “I wondered what she could have done that would have been so terrible. The only thing I could think of, that may be unforgivable, would be cheating on me.”
“You really believe she’d do that?”
“No.” He knew if she had there’d been extenuating circumstances, like alcohol and coercion involved. “But I thought maybe she’d had a few too many drinks on a business trip, or maybe someone slipped something in her drink and took advantage of her.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, Grace. All these crazy scenarios were going through my mind. Then when she told me about the pregnancy, I was still thinking about that, the fact that someone may have taken advantage of her and she’d been too afraid to tell me, so I just blurted it out, not thinking about the consequences.”
“What a mess,” Grace said, dropping her head.
“You’re tellin’ me. Question is, what do I do to fix it?” When Grace gave him a sympathetic look, his gut tightened all over again. “Don’t tell me it’s too late, that I can’t fix it. I’m not hearin’ that, Grace. I can’t.”
“I wish I could help, both of you, but I don’t see how I could. My loyalty lies with Bella, you know that, but I know you love her. I don’t think you’d intentionally hurt her this way.”
“I wouldn’t. I swear to you.” If only he could find a way to convince Bella of that.
“Problem is, aside from what you said, and how much it hurt her, she thinks you don’t trust her. And that’s something she can’t get past.”
Of course she would think that. In her position he’d think the same thing. But it wasn’t true. He’d trusted Bella with his life. And he knew the only way she’d ever go to bed with another man is if she was forced. Then… he’d have to seek retribution on her behalf. Because as long as there was breath in his body no one would ever hurt her, without paying the price.
Ironically, that’s what he was doing now. Paying the ultimate price for hurting her.
“Maybe I don’t deserve her,” he said, when that realization set in. “Maybe I never did.”
“You don’t really believe that, do you?” Grace asked, slack-jawed. “After all you two have been through?”
He thought back to the early days. The fight that almost ended them before they even started. That was the result of jealousy and insecurity too. Every problem in their relationship had one common denominator: his fear of losing her.
“I need to sit down.” He gestured to the family room in the back of the house. “You want a drink?”
“No thanks. My mother-in-law’s with the kids. I have to get home soon.”
Her mother-in-law was supposed to be his too, and the realizatio
n that may not happen now slayed him. He sank down on the sofa and tipped his head back.
“I asked you a question,” Grace said, sitting on the arm of the sofa across from him. “Do you honestly believe that you don’t deserve her?”
He stared straight ahead, trying to sort through his feelings. Why the hell did this keep coming back to haunt him? No matter how good his life was, he felt the need to punish himself, because…
He didn’t feel worthy? He was struggling with guilt? Over what?
Flashbacks taunted him. His childhood. Moments with his father. Their last phone call. The hatred he felt toward him for being greedy and selfish. The anguish over his death, when he realized he could have helped, but didn’t.
It all made sense now. He couldn’t accept the fact that he deserved Bella and her love because he’d never forgiven himself for letting his own father die alone and penniless. He feared Bella would wake up one day and realize she didn’t want to be married to a man who would make the choices he’d made. But that wasn’t fair. His father made the choice to leave. To cut all ties with their family. It wasn’t his fault that his father left, and as much as it pained him, it wasn’t his fault he died.
He could have made things easier for him, but his old man could have made things a hell of a lot easier for Loran too. They’d both made mistakes, and he had to forgive himself for the mistakes he’d made or he’d never believe he was worthy of a woman like Bella.
“What are you thinking?” Grace asked.
“I need to see her.” He had to share his epiphany with Bella and pray she understood. “Where is she?” He jumped up, grabbing his wallet, keys and phone off the coffee table. “At her office? At home?” Home was the house she shared with him, but he needed to convince her of that.
“I don’t know if she’s ready to see you just yet.”
Loran gripped Grace’s shoulders and bent to look her in the eye. “Listen to me, please. I’ve probably made one of the biggest mistakes a man can make, accusing the woman he loves of sleeping around, but I can’t fix this if I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself while Bella’s heart is breaking.”
Grace nodded. “She got a call from the contractor on your site,” she said. “She was headed out there when I left.”
He leaned in, kissing her forehead. “Thanks, Grace. I won’t forget this.”
Chapter Twenty
Their lot – Loran’s lot – was the last place Bella wanted to be, but she was the one to get the call when there was a question, since it was her design, and as far as anyone knew, their house.
She’d addressed the contractor’s concern and agreed to bump out the closet in the nursery another foot to compensate for a beam. The nursery. God, they’d built all of their dreams around this house. And staring up at it now, from the very spot where Loran had proposed to her, made her heart break all over again.
Could she really let go of him… of all of their plans for the future, as hurt and angry as she was? She wasn’t a vindictive person. She believed in forgiveness and knew people were entitled to make mistakes. Lord knew she wasn’t perfect. But she kept coming back to the trust issue. The fact that her fiancée thought it was conceivable that she’d sleep with another man left her feeling gutted.
As soon as she recognized his truck pull in the long gravel drive she thought about bailing, but when he pulled up right next to her car, she knew it was too late.
She saw Loran exchange a few words with the contractor before he gestured down the hill, to the spot where she rested on a rock in front of the lake. Busted. Not that she would have really cut and run. She wasn’t a coward.
He walked slowly, giving her a chance to react, before they were finally face to face.
“Bella.” Her name was a broken whisper, as though he was battling his emotions.
He wasn’t the only one. It felt like there was a golf ball lodged in her throat. “How’d you know I’d be here?” she asked, finally.
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.” She cleared her throat. “I’d ask what you’re doing here, but it is your house.”
“Our house.”
Those two little words cut to the quick, because they didn’t share the land, the house… or anything anymore. They didn’t even have a shared vision of the future after last night, something she’d been so sure she could always count on.
“Can we talk?”
She knew she couldn’t avoid it forever. She didn’t think for a moment when she handed back his engagement that would be the last time they spoke. He was one of her brother’s best friends. Godfather to his children. Of course she would see him again.
“Might as well get it over with,” she said, gesturing to the rock beside her.
He winced, but sat down. “I don’t mean to push you—”
“If that were true you wouldn’t be here.” She didn’t mean to be cruel, but she was still too raw to be kind. “You’d give me time and space to figure things out.”
He looked hopeful when he asked, “Does that mean you’re still considering the possibility of…” He looked down at his laced hands and a pained expression crossed his handsome face. “Taking me back?”
Loran was so perfect, but in so many ways, broken. She wanted him to heal, to recognize his worth, and the gift they’d been given, in each other. Why couldn’t he do that?
When she didn’t respond, he sighed. “I came to realize a few things today, about myself, and us.”
“I’m listening.” She appreciated the fact that he was willing to open up to her. A lot of men would just shut down instead of being vulnerable.
“I’ve been punishing myself for a long time.” He stared out at the icy water instead of looking at her.
“Why?”
He cleared his throat, absently running his thumb over his bare left finger, where the wedding band she’d had made for him would have rested. “What happened with my old man. It hit me hard, Bella. I’m not making excuses, and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. That’s not what this is about.” He finally looked at her. “I hope you believe that.”
“I do.” She knew he would never use something as tragic as his father’s death to score sympathy points. He wasn’t that kind of man.
He nodded. “Good.” He rubbed his eyes. “I, uh, hated myself for a long time after he died. The guilt was eating me alive.”
She wanted to put her arms around him. In spite of the pain he’d caused her, she still loved him. “You had no reason to feel guilty.”
He nodded, closing his eyes. “Maybe not, but I did, just the same. I can help strangers, but I couldn’t help my own father. What does that say about me?”
“That you were hurt and angry, rightly so.” If she’d met Loran’s father she would have had a few choice words for him, knowing how much his actions harmed his son. “He doesn’t get a free pass, just because of the way he died. He still has to be held accountable for his actions.”
He looked at her a long time before he said, “That’s what this is about,” he said, “accountability. Owning my mistakes. The ones I made with my father. And with you.” He sighed. “And those are linked, in ways I didn’t understand until today.”
She’d always suspected he was holding on to a lot of guilt where his father was concerned, but he rarely talked about it and she didn’t feel she should force the issue. “How so?”
“Like I said, I hated myself. Blamed myself.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I didn’t think I was worthy of love or forgiveness or… you.”
She was itching to reach out to him, but held back. This was important and she didn’t want to muddy the waters by making this about them. This was about Loran and his past. The decisions that made him the man he was, and whether he was interested in forgiving himself, so they could both forge a new path.
“But I realized I am worthy.” His voice sounded stronger when he said, “It wasn’t my fault my father left. It wasn’t my fault he made the decisions he did, and i
t certainly wasn’t my fault he died.”
“No, it wasn’t,” she said, softly. “I’m glad you understand that now.”
“I do.” He licked his lips, bowing his head. “What I said to you last night, that was my fault. I own that.” He looked her in the eyes, his brimming with tears. “And you’ll never know how sorry I am.”
“Why?” she whispered, letting her own tears fall. “How could you ever think—”
“I didn’t think you’d willingly sleep with someone else.” He sighed. “I thought maybe you’d gone on a business trip and had too much to drink or someone had slipped something in your drink. I know it sounds crazy, but your mind goes to all kinds of crazy places when you’re battling these inner demons, Bella.”
She knew a thing or two about battling demons, so she could relate. And this man had been standing beside her, holding her hand, when she finally slayed hers. That had to count for something, didn’t it?
He reached for her hand and she let him have it. The chill she’d been battling seemed to recede with the warmth of his hand pouring through hers. He shifted so they were facing each other and took her other hand as well, bringing them to his lips.
“I hate that you miscarried and I wasn’t there to hold you when you found out.” He closed his eyes before looking into hers. “That’s something I have to live with. I hated myself for what I said to you last night, but I realized I can’t go on hating myself and loving you at the same time. It’s not right. Not healthy. That’s what happened this time. I was battling my hate for myself and my love for you and the hate won. It’ll win every time, Bella. If I let it.”
“You don’t deserve to hate yourself.” She was still coming to terms with the things he said last night, but she knew two things for sure: Loran was a good man and he loved her. “And I could never hate you. I hope you know that.”
Payback (Summer Rush #6) Page 20