by Seven Steps
27
Calla and I took a bus home that afternoon, and when I arrived, I dropped all my stuff off, then headed back to the bus stop.
It’d been far too long since I’d seen Kat, and it was high time I paid her a visit. I’d chided the softball team for never visiting her but, really, Adam was right about one thing. Though I texted her mom fairly regularly to check in, I’d only visited Kat once.
I’d gotten so wrapped up in planning the carnival and hanging out with Becks that I’d neglected seeing Kat. Talking to her. Letting her know she wasn’t alone. That she had friends who cared about her. It was a fact I needed to remedy.
I took the short bus ride from my house to the hospital, then went upstairs to Kat’s room.
Her mom was sitting in nearly the same spot I’d left her in. Next to her daughter’s bed. Only, she wasn’t alone. Sitting next to her was another person.
Becks.
What was he doing here?
I knocked twice, then stepped into the room. Mrs. Levy looked at me with surprise. Becks did too.
“Lily. We’re so happy to see you,” Mrs. Levy said, standing up and giving me a tight hug.
“It’s good to see you too, Mrs. Levy.”
I nodded to Becks, who remained sitting.
“Lily.”
“Becks.”
It amazed me how far we’d grown apart in just a matter of hours. Was this what happened to people? Did attraction fade as quickly as it took hold?
Mrs. Levy pulled out a third chair for me and I sat in it.
I’d planned on saying something to Kat, but not in front of Mrs. Levy and Becks. It felt awkward, but I swallowed and did it anyway because this wasn’t about me. This was about Kat.
“Hey, Kat. How’s it going?” Then I scoffed because it was a ridiculous thing to say to a person in a coma. I cleared my throat, pushing down my embarrassment. “I spoke to the softball team today. They’re busy with practice and the carnival, but they said they can’t wait to see you back out on the field. They send their love.”
It was a lie, but I was sure Kat would want to know why her friends hadn’t showed up. Sherri wasn’t a great person, but Kat didn’t need to know that yet.
“I want you to know that we all miss you and that the fall carnival planning is going great. There’ll be lots of booths and decorations and food. I’ll make sure to take plenty of pictures so you can see them when you wake up.”
I pulled out my phone and held it up as if Kat could see it. When I realized what I was doing, I put the phone away and spoke instead.
“Oh, and you should know that Sherri posted a picture of you and it got like five hundred likes, so that’s cool. It’s trending in our town.”
The fact that Sherri could post a picture of Kat but couldn’t come to visit or even help with her carnival turned my stomach, but this was about letting Kat know she was loved. Not about how fake her friends were. She’d figure that out when she woke up. And I had faith that Kat was going to wake up.
I put my head down and said a silent prayer for her. I asked God to let Kat know that people loved her and to help her wake up. I asked him to help her mom, and to help me make them proud with the carnival.
The three of us stayed in Kat’s room for a little while longer. Quiet, but hopeful.
After a while, I stood.
“Thanks for having me, Mrs. Levy,” I said.
Mrs. Levy stood and gave me a hug. “Thank you for coming. Both of you. It means so much to Kat, and to me, to know she’s not alone.”
I hugged her back tightly. “She’s not,” I said. “And neither are you.”
Mrs. Levy smiled, then I waved goodbye to her and Becks before I walked out the door.
An odd sensation fell over me. I was sad that Kat was in a coma, but, at the same time, I was happy I could come here and do something for her and her mother. And I was grateful for the gifts I had at this moment that not everyone shared. Heck, just standing up and walking around seemed like the best thing in the world compared to others.
I’d almost reached the bus stop when someone touched my shoulder. I knew who it was before I turned around.
“What do you want, Becks?”
His face was less angry now. His expression soft. “Just to talk.”
I crossed my arms. “Fine.” I didn’t really feel like talking, but my elevated mood made me a little more forgiving than I usually would have been.
“Do you come here a lot?” I asked.
“A few times.”
“Why? You barely knew Kat.”
He shrugged. “I know. I guess I’m here for the same reason you are. I just want her to know she’s not alone.”
I nodded, and we stood there at the bus stop for a while in silence.
His eyes were glued to me, searching for answers to his questions. But I kept my face impassive, not giving him the answers he sought. I wanted him to ask me, not infer based on what he interpreted I may have been feeling at the time. We battled like this for a bit, but, before long, he ran his hand through his hair and stuffed his hands into his pocket.
“So, how’s Lucas?”
I purposefully kept my answer brief. “Fine.”
Becks nodded.
“Look, Lily, I don’t want to fight with you. I’m sorry for what I said.”
“I forgive you, Becks. But I can’t keep doing this thing where we go around and around, hurting each other.”
“What does that mean?”
“First it was the wedding, then when you came back to school, then it was the Kim thing, and now it’s the Lucas thing. We’re on some weird roller coaster and I want to get off.”
“Whoa. What do you mean the wedding?”
“I had this great conversation with you at my aunt’s wedding and then you gave your number to my sister.”
“What are you talking about? I gave…” His eyes opened wide. It was like a light had gone off in his brain. “That was Rose? I was talking to you, but I didn’t recognize you, and then you went inside. When you came back outside, I thought you’d just changed your dress. I gave you my number, but you were acting weird, like we’d never even spoken. When you didn’t call, I thought you blew me off. But it wasn’t you. It was Rose.”
My cheeks flamed. “So, you thought you were giving your number to me? How could you not tell us apart?”
He frowned. “You are identical twins. I hadn’t seen you in eight years. I didn’t even know it was you until I saw you on that first day of school in English.”
“And that’s why you were angry?”
“Yes. Yes, that’s exactly why I was angry. I thought you’d blown me off, but we never had that second conversation.” His eyes went wider. “Is that what you’ve been thinking this whole time? That I was after you to get to your sister?”
I bounced on the balls of my feet. “At first. Then, I kind of thought you and Kim were hanging out.”
“Kim? I don’t want Kim.”
“Well, that’s good to know.”
Strike two for me.
“It kind of seems that the one who’s been dolling out the hurt around here is you. And that’s why you’re going out with Lucas, isn’t it? Because you thought I liked other girls but was just kissing you because what? Because I’m some sort of player?”
“No. No that’s not it at—”
“What happened to you, Lily? You used to be so confident. I used to think you could do anything. Now, you’re just…” He dropped his gaze from me, looking at his shoes. “You’re breaking my heart.”
What had I done? What on earth had I done? How did I screw us up this badly?
I stepped toward him, but he took a step back. Away from me.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. Each one so shredded and torn I would never be able to put it back together.
“Becks—”
“See you around, Lil.”
Then he walked away and all I could do was watch him go.
I thought I cou
ld make things better by talking things out with him. I thought I had a clue about how to run my life.
But it seemed nothing had changed.
Everything I touched did turn to dust.
Including me and Becks.
28
“Beckett Hayes is so hot.”
Kim had said this same phrase no less than six times since she’d picked up me and Rose for school. Every time the words left her lips, my chest tightened.
First of all, it was Becks, not Beckett. Second, what did a girl like Kim want with Becks anyway? She was popular, a cheerleader, and had boys literally throwing themselves at her. Kimberly was beautiful. Long, thick, glossy, dark brown hair, bright hazel eyes, and a killer body. She should’ve been going after Rodrick Banner or another one of the school’s countless jocks. Instead, she was focused on Becks.
Why?
“And I’m like ninety-nine percent sure he’s into me too.”
My ears perked up and I sat up in my seat.
“Who said that?” I asked.
“Only everyone,” Kim said. “When we went to the movies the other night, Becks couldn’t keep his hands off me.”
She smiled at me in the rearview mirror. “Do you think you can put in a good word for me? I mean, you two are like best friends, right?”
Yeah, Kim. Hold your breath for that one.
“I mean, if this works out, you and I will be kind of like sisters-in-law,” she said.
I swallowed and looked over at my sister.
I caught her mid eye roll.
“Were we even at the same movie?” Rose asked. “I don’t remember Becks being all over you.”
“Um, Earth to Rose. At the restaurant, remember?” Kimberly said.
“Oh, you mean when that waiter spilled water all over you.”
“And Becks helped clean me up.”
Rose scoffed. “Reaching much?”
“I’m not. Believe me, I know when a boy likes me.”
Why did this whole conversation make me want to kick the back of Kim’s chair? If Becks and Kim liked each other, then I should be happy for them. Right? I’d known Kim my entire life. She was nice, even though she was not really Becks’ type, and they didn’t have anything in common. But she was beautiful. Boys liked beautiful girls like her.
I should be happy for them.
So why did I feel like strangling Kim with the seatbelt?
“All I’m saying is, he’d better make a move soon, or else Rodrick Banner is going to cut him off at the pass.”
“Rodrick Banner,” Rose said with a sigh. She pulled down the passenger side mirror and began applying lipstick. “Now he’s hot. All muscles and man.”
I decided to encourage this new branch of the conversation. Anything was better than having Kim talk about Becks like he was a chocolate cupcake. She could talk about other guys like they were chocolate cupcakes. Just not Becks.
“But if Rodrick and Becks both asked you to the Fall Carnival, you’d go with Rodrick, right?” I asked. “I mean, there’s no doubt that Rodrick is way hotter. Seems like an easy choice.”
Kimberly shrugged. “Depends. If Rodrick asked me first, then I would go with him. But if Becks asked me first, I’d go with him, just to make Rodrick crazy jealous.”
“And if Rodrick never asks you out?”
“Then Becks is cute enough to be a suitable second.”
I shook my head, flabbergasted.
So, Kim was drooling over Becks, and he was just a second choice? I loved her, but the girl was shallow, and if Becks came anywhere near her, I was personally going to put him on a plane right back to Florida. He didn’t deserve to be some girl’s second choice. Becks deserved to be the first choice. He deserved a girl he could share his movies, music, and paintings with. Not just some girl who wanted to catch a hot guy for the sake of having him on her arm.
Not that I could say any of this to Becks. I shouldn’t even have been thinking it. I should’ve been focused on Lucas and our date in two days. Granted, Lucas was a setup under false pretenses, but we still had a lot in common. Our goals and interests both matched up. On paper, and at first glance, Lucas seemed like a guy I should’ve been more excited about dating.
Why wasn’t I more excited about this?
We pulled up to the school and I jumped out of the car and rushed to find Calla. Her mom dropped her off at school in the mornings, now that Becks was no longer our designated driver.
I missed driving in with him, but that was no longer possible.
Not after the things we’d said to each other.
I put my books in my locker, grabbed my English book, and met Calla farther down the hall at her locker.
“Hey,” she said with a big smile. “How’s life driving in with the Kardashians every morning?”
“Sucks,” I said. “How’s driving in with your mom?”
“Depressing,” she said with a sigh. “Looks like they’re going to lose the catering hall. She’s really upset about it.”
I put my hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Calla.”
She nodded and closed her locker. “We’ll be okay. I hope.”
She leaned against the locker, hugging her English textbook to her chest.
“So, how are donations coming?” she asked.
“Okay. We still have to contact a few more businesses. I figured we could put in a long day on Saturday. Walk the street till the afternoon, grab lunch, then do the rest. Then, it’s just a matter of measuring the gym for decorations, getting information to the volunteers, finding out where we’re going to get enough tables and chairs, and building the booths.”
“I can talk to Mr. Matthews, the shop teacher, about the booths. Maybe he can make it an extra credit project or something.”
“Good idea. Can you let me know how it goes?”
“Yeah, sure.”
A flash of pink caught my eye, and I looked farther down the hall.
Kim, donned in a bright pink, fitted dress and high boots, had stopped in front of Becks and started talking. Had she been wearing that all morning? I didn’t notice what she was wearing when I climbed in the car. Granted, I was a bit distracted.
After a moment of conversation, Becks nodded at something Kim said. Then, she opened her arms and hugged him tight.
I watched him squeeze her close too.
Then, as if in slow motion, she pulled back and moved her face toward him, closing her eyes and puckering her lips.
My eyes slammed shut.
It felt like a bullet had just gone through my chest.
They’d kissed. Becks and Kimberly had just kissed.
My chest tightened, and my lungs pounded.
I was having a heart attack.
This was what a heart attack felt like.
I turned all the way around before I opened my eyes and started down the hall.
I had to get away.
I had to run and hide before I broke down right here in the hallway.
Head down, I powerwalked back toward my locker. I needed to get my bookbag and get out of here right now.
Suddenly, the top of my head bumped into someone.
Ouch!
“Whoa there! Hey, Lily.”
I looked up into Lucas’ brown eyes, wide in surprise.
“You may want to look up when you’re walking. You never know what sort of crazies you may bump into.”
He laughed at his own joke, but I was still mid freak-out.
I wanted to punch something. There was so much pain and hurt and anger brewing within me that I felt dizzy.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his surprised expression morphing into concern. “You look upset.”
“I’m not upset,” I said quickly.
It was true. I wasn’t upset. I was furious. I wasn’t even sure who I was angrier at.
Kim?
Becks?
Myself?
I couldn’t be sure.
“Is there something I can do to help?” he asked.
“Help?” I asked. “Yes, you can help me.”
Then, I grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him toward me.
I watched his expression.
Confusion.
Surprise.
My gaze traveled down to my hands, gripping his collar like I was intent on strangling him.
I imagined myself making out with Lucas right here in the hallway. I wanted Becks to watch. I wanted him to hurt the same way I was hurting.
I pulled Lucas a little closer.
His lips twitched, like he wanted to smile but was holding back.
“Uh, what are you doing?” Lucas asked.
His question hit me hard.
What was I doing?
What was my plan?
To just kiss Lucas in the middle of the hallway?
That wasn’t me. This wasn’t me!
I let him go, my cheeks so red they hurt.
“Sorry,” I said, taking three steps back. “I’m sorry.”
That’s when the tears came.
But, before they could fall, I was already out the door.
Running.
29
I hid in my room for the rest of the day. Embarrassed. Sad. Angry.
What was going on with me? It felt like everything was caving in on me and at the epicenter of it all was Becks.
Why did he have to kiss Kimberly? She didn’t even really like him! She’d already admitted that.
And he kissed her.
Like he’d kissed me.
The feeling of Becks’ lips came back to me, making me even angrier.
How could he do that to me? How could he kiss me, then kiss her?
I flipped on my stomach on my bed, trying to talk myself back to reality.
Becks was never yours, I told myself. Just because he kissed you didn’t mean you two were in a relationship. You never told Becks how you felt. He never told you how he felt either.
It was true.
I had no claim to Becks. He wasn’t mine. In fact, I was planning on going out with Lucas.
So why did it hurt so badly? Why did everything hurt? Like I was standing in a pit of fire?