City of Saints and Madmen

by Jeff VanderMeer

  (In this slightly less successful book, Rogers takes the Torture Squid out of the familiar environs of Ambergris and sets them on a quest to plunder the Kalif’s treasure. By the time they reach the gates of the Kalif’s capital city, they are so drunk on cheap wine that they are mistaken for merrymaking pilgrims and allowed into the city. Once there, they proceed to pinch the bottoms of women, steal fruit from grocery stands, rob wealthy merchants, and generally make a nuisance of themselves. Eventually, the Kalif’s soldiers arrest them, sober them up by torturing them in the dungeons, and then release them, naked, into the wastelands beyond the city’s walls. Less clothed, but a bit wiser, the Torture Squid sadly wander home. As Squidy Johnson remarks, “Foreign conquest is not as exciting as I thought it would be.”)

  Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid Take on the New Art, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  (Squidy Macken points out, one fine morning as the Torture Squid sit imbibing refreshments at the Cafe of the Ruby-Throated Calf, that, as a group, they are under-educated. True, Squidy Barck once spent a semester at the Blythe Academy as a janitor, thus qualifying him to lead the Torture Squid, but in general they lack refinement. After Squidy Slakes punches Squidy Macken several times, Squidy Barck decides Squidy Macken is right. But how to become better educated? After some thought, Squidy Barck suggests that they attend a retrospective of the New Art down at the Gallery of Hidden Fascinations. So the Torture Squid don their best clothes, sharpen their knives, slick back their hair, and head off for the gallery exhibit. Once there, however, they are sorely disappointed. Most of the canvases seem unfinished—one is just a blotch of blue with some white blobs on it. Squidy Barck, embarrassed, decides maybe he should try to finish a few of the paintings—show the other Torture Squid some true culture. Alas, the museum guards try to stop them and the room erupts into a prolonged tussle, accompanied by the sound of knives tearing canvas. When the museum guards are finally disposed of, the Torture Squid turn their back on the gallery—and all “refinements”—although they read in the Ambergris Broadsheet the next day that spectators found their resulting performance art piece “oddly appealing.”)

  Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid Torch an Underground Passage, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  (One of Rogers’ simplest books, this title delivers exactly what it promises—the Torture Squid torch an underground passage. They spend 50 pages planning the torching. They spend 50 pages torching the passage. They spend 50 pages escaping from the Cappan’s men as a result. Many critics believe this book was ghost-written for Rogers.)

  Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid Trash a Restaurant, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  (For once, the Torture Squid do not instigate the nastiness. Squidy Barck and Squidy Johnson sit in the River Moth Restaurant minding their own business when they are recognized by members of a rival gang, the Moth Heads, who happen to be walking by. A fight ensues, during which Squidy Barck holds off the Moth Heads by throwing chairs and dishes at them while Squidy Johnson goes around the corner for reinforcements. When Squidy Slakes, Squidy Johnson and Squidy Taintmoor join the fracas, the Moth Heads soon find themselves on the receiving end of too many blows to count and wind up being chased down the street by the Torture Squid. Not content with the evening’s activities, the Torture Squid then proceed to blow up a bakery and set a motored vehicle on fire. As Squidy Johnson says, “Them Moth Heads provocatated us.”)

  Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid’s Stint in Prison: Memories of Beastly Childhoods, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  (Perhaps Rogers’ masterpiece, this book relates, in six chapters, the childhood experiences of Squidy Johnson, Squidy Macken, Squidy Slakes, Squidy Taintmoor, and Squidy Barck—while, in the story’s present-day, all five occupy the same prison cell. Surprise, surprise: only Squidy Barck had a genuinely bad childhood, his mother a prostitute, his father unknown, and out on the street by the age of 10. The rest were the sons of privileged members of society who simply preferred thuggery to honest work. In chapter six, the Torture Squid break out of prison after beating the guards half to death and the previously nostalgic feel of the book gives way to the usual merry mayhem.)

  Rogers, Vivian Price, The Torture Squid’s Last Stand, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  (Enraged by the Torture Squid’s criminal activities, the Cappan raises a small army dedicated to their eradication. In the climactic final scene, the Torture Squid, cornered in a barn outside of the city, escape by setting themselves on fire and running through the shocked encircling troops to the freedom of the River Moth. Finally released into their natural element, they never return to the city, “although even today mothers tell the story of Torture Squid’s exploits to their aspiring young thugs.”)

  Rook, Alan B., Passion in Crimson; Pelagian Love; Rosy Tentacles; Dido and the Squid: Four Libretti and Scores for Unrealized Operas, Quail Note Publishers.

  Rook, Alan B., Chamber Mass for the Nautilus & Requiem for the White Ghost Squid: Two Liturgical Scores After the Noran and Stangian Modes, Quail Note Publishers.

  (There is no bliss in all the world as complete as listening to the Requiem for the White Ghost Squid [based on Spacklenest’s classic novel]. It is especially sublime if listened to on phonograph while relaxing in a small wading pool.)

  Roper, Frederick, Incidences of Squid Incursions Amid the Communities of the Lower Moth: Anecdotal Evidence Supporting the Need for Squid-Proof Residences, Not Easily Read Publications.

  Roper, Frederick, The Significance of Bookshelves in Domestic Squabbles, Squid Mill Library Press.

  (In the library, through a trick of light in some cases, the books sat in their rows, steeped in red. Red were the bindings. Red was the floor.)

  Roundtree, Jessica, Husbands Who Kill Their Wives, Squid Mill Library Press.

  Rowan, Iain, “Tentaculon: An Approach to Human-Squid Communication,” Journal of Squid Studies, Vol. 52, No. 3.

  Rowan, Iain, The Squid As Other: Transgressive Approaches to Hegemonic Dualities,” Journal of Aquatic Hermeneutics, Vol. 34, No. 1.

  Ruch, Alan, Hops and the Amateur Squidologist, Tornelain Publications.

  Savant, Charles, An Invitation to Squid Sightings: Its Pleasures and Practices: With Kindred Discussions of Maps, Depth Charts, and Physiology Tables (chapbook), Ambergris Squidology Society.

  Savant, Charles, Historical Notes on the Relationship Between Fires in Quiet Port Towns and the King Squid, Ambergris Squidologist Society.

  Savant, Charles, Sunset Over the Squid Mills, Squid Mill Library Press.

  (He must have known I would find her there. Every summer, returning from Blythe Academy or from my expeditions, I would go there first, although they had been long abandoned—wooden husks where once the squiders swished to and fro on their squilts. Her head rocked gently against the rotted pontoons, gold-gray hair fanning out. Her gaze seemed peaceful although I could read nothing in her eyes. The echo of her words now as gentle as her caress. She had been in the water for more than a week. I almost did not recognize her.)

  Shannon, Harold, Sorrowful Wake for Mother Squid: The Attachments of Juvenile King Squid, Mournful Press.

  Shannon, Harold, Adaptations of Cephalopod Organisms to Non-Saltwater Environments, Woode-Holly Productions.

  Shannon, Harold, Cephalopod Mating Behavior (Freshwater Seduction Rituals), Woode-Holly Productions.

  Shriek, Duncan, The Hoegbotton Guide to the Early History of Ambergris, Hoegbotton & Sons.

  Shriek, Janice, The Blythe Academy Squid Primer, Blythe Academic Press.

  Sidlewhile, Henry, The Life and Times of Thackery Woodstocking, Amateur Squidologist, Ashbrain Press.

  Simpkin, A.L., Gladesmen, Squidlers, Moonshine, and Sniffers, Candon Press.

  (A rollicking adventure that properly immortalizes the tough, solitary life of the squidlers and the gladesmen who insure them.)

  Sirin, Vlodya, Verse by Tentacle: An Anthology of Poetry Featuring Squid Down
Through the Ages—Saphant Empire to William Buckwheat, Running Water Publications.

  Skinder, Blas, Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Festival Crowds, Southern Cities Press.

  Slab, Thomas, The Redeeming Noose: The Reception of Doctor R. Tint Tankle’s Ideas on Social Discipline, Mental Asylums, Hospitals, and the Medical Profession as They Relate to Squid-Induced Suicide Attempts, Reed Publications.

  Slab, Thomas, The Anatomy of Madness, Reed Publications.

  Slay, Jack, Cephalopods: A Handbook of Decapodian Grammar, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  Sleeter, M. J., The Hoegbotton Guide to Hippomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

  Sleeter, M. J., A Guide to the Mushrooms of Late Summer: The Poisonous and the Benign, Squid Mill Library Press.

  (He was picking mushrooms in the forest behind the house and humming softly to himself. I paused a moment to marvel at his calm, even though the late afternoon sun, mottled through the deep silence of the fir trees, cast my shadow far in advance of his gaze. He must have known I would find him there.)

  Smutney, Jones, The Squid That Killed His Own Father: A Novel of Cephalopodic Revenge, True Tales Press.

  Smutney, Jones, Wealth, Virtue, and Seafood: The Shaping of a Political Economy in Ambergris, Archival Squid Press.

  Smythe, Alan, The Physiology and Psychology of the King Squid (illustrations by Louis Verden), Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  Sneller, Daniel, A History of Traveling Medicine Shows and Nefarious Circi, Spectacular Press.

  Sourby, Pipkick, A Carousel for Squidophiles: A Treasury of Tales, Narratives, Songs, Epigrams, and Sundry Curious Studies Relating to a Noble Theme, Borges Bookstore Publishing. Sourby, Pipkick, Mollusk Wise, Squid Foolish, Borges Bookstore Publishing.

  Spacklenest, Edgar, Lord Hood and the Unseen Squid, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  (This tale of a Nicean nobleman haunted by the ghost of the squid he jigged has a simple poignancy to it. In the book, Lord Hood lives alone in his ancestral home, his parents murdered in a terrible double tragedy some years before. Once a year, Lord Hood leaves his property to attend a fishing expedition with his fellow lords. On one such expedition, he spears the mantle of a young female King Squid. The squid dies and is eaten that night by the aristocratic fishermen. The very next day, as Lord Hood sits reading in his extensive library, the apparition of the squid appears before him, beseeching him with mournful eyes. At first, Lord Hood flees in terror, but over time, as the visitations become more frequent, he becomes used to the company of the squid ghost. As the reader learns more about Lord Hood’s tortured past and his parents’ fate, it is clear that he is as much a ghost haunting his own house as the squid. Eventually, he comes to feel affection for the squid who haunts him and he begins a kind of squidanthropic transformation on an emotional level. He finds himself drawn to the nearby River Moth—and as the squid ghost manifests itself more often the closer the proximity of water, Lord Hood begins to spend most of his time in the river. Lord Hood finds himself less and less attached to the land. In the heart-breaking final scene, he—not truly blessed with squidanthropy—sinks beneath the waters and drowns . . . only to liberate his ghost, which finds union with the ghost of the squid.)

  Stang, Napole, Edict the Fifth: On the Question of Whether Squid Shall Have Souls, as Written by the 12th Antechamber of Ambergris, Napole Stang, Truffidian Religious Books, Inc.

  Stark, Rokham, Further Adventures in Squidology, Tannaker Publications.

  Starling, Lee D., Squid Dish: An Esoteric Seafood Lovers’ Cookbook, Bait & Hook Press.

  Starling, Lee D., The Squid Scrolls, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  Stiffy, Madeline, An Argument on Behalf of the New Science Known as Squidology (chapbook), Ambergris Squidologist Society.

  Stiffy, Madeline, The Curious Case of Manzikert VII and the Squid What Burped, Arcanea Publishing Collective & Outdoor Market.

  (An undignified, mocking, and completely worthless amalgamation of rumor, hearsay, and libel.)

  Stim, Zyth, Sarah Volume (I) and the Great Squid Migration, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  Stim, Zyth, Sarah Volume (II) and the Mysterious Squid of Zort, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  Stim, Zyth, Sarah Volume (III) and the Treasure of the Squid, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  Stim, Zyth, Sarah Volume (IV) and the Squid With No Name, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  Stim, Zyth, Sarah Volume (V) and the Underwater Valley of the Squid, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  Stim, Zyth, Sarah Volume (VI) Goes Squidless, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  Stim, Zyth, Sarah Volume’s Eight-Armed Volume of Squid Stories for Bedtime, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  Stindel, Bernard, A Refutation of the Theories of Jessica Roundtree, Squid Mill Library Press.

  Stine, Allison, ed., Squid Lover, The: A Magazine of Squid Lore, Being a Miscellany of Curiously Interesting and Generally Unknown Facts About Squid-dom and Squid-Related People; Now Newly Arranged, with Incidental Divertissement and All Very Delightful to Read, The Squid-Lover’s Press.

  Sumner, Geoffrey T., Behind a Cloud of Ink: A Biography of the Enigmatic A. J. Kretchen, Squid Hunter, Southern Cities Publishing Company.

  Sumner, Geoffrey T., Cuttlefishing, Ecropol Press.

  Sumner, Geoffrey T., How to Make Jewelry from Polished Squid Beak, Arts & Crafts Publishers (Squidcraft imprint).

  Sumner, Geoffrey T., The Squid as Aquatic Angel in Religious Visitations, Truffidian Cathedral Publishing.

  Tanthe, Meredith, Taste & Technique in Squid Harvesting (chapbook), Ambergris Gastronomic Society.

  Tribbley, Jane, The Hoegbotton Guide to Hypomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

  Umthatch, Wiggins, The Hoegbotton Guide to Mentulomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

  Ungdom, George, Squid Anatomy for the Layperson (illustrated by Louis Verden), Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  Vielle, C. M., Naughty Lisp and the Squid: A Polyp Diptych, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  Viper, Arnold, The Hoegbotton Guide to Mesmeromania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

  Vosper, Robert, The Pauseback Collection of Rare Squid Children’s Books, Small Books/Big Dreams Incorporated.

  Willis, Sarah, The Book of Average Squid, Savor Press.

  Willis, Sarah, The Book of Greater Squid, Savor Press.

  Willis, Sarah, The Book of Lesser Squid, Savor Press.

  Wortbell, Randall, The Hoegbotton Guide to Mythomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

  Wrede, Christopher, “‘I Think You’re Both Quacks’: The Controversy Between Doctor Blentheen Skrill and Squidologist Croakley Lettsom,” Bulletin of the History of Mollusk Studies, Vol. 689, No. 7, Recluse Press.

  Wrede, Christopher, “Gender, Ideology and the Water-Cure Movement,” Current Cephalopodic Remedies, Vol. 21, No. 5, Recluse Press.

  Wrede, Christopher, “Hysteria, Squid Hypnosis, and the Lure of the Invisible: The Rise of Cephalo-mesmerism in Post-Trillian Ambergris,” Bulletin of the History of Mollusk Studies, Vol. 699, No. 3, Recluse Press.

  Wrede, Christopher, “Squidology and Spiritualism in the Pre-Trillian Era,” Bulletin of the History of Mollusk Studies, Vol. 700, No. 9, Recluse Press.

  Wrede, Christopher, “The Chronic Squidanthropist, the Doctor, and the Play of Medical Power,” Journal of Squid-Related Psychological Diseases, Vol. 377, No. 2, Recluse Press.

  Wrede, Christopher, Institutions of Confinement, Hospitals, Asylums, and Prisons in the Southern Cities, Recluse Press.

  Wrede, Christopher, Squidologist Quackery Unmasked, Recluse Press.

  Xyskander, Melanie, The Hoegbotton Guide to Nosomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

  Yit, Florence, The Hoegbotton Guide to Nudomania, Hoegbotton & Sons Press.

  Yowler, John, The Beaten Child: The Essential Iniquity of Physical Abuse, Mother’s Milk Publishing.

  (The noted writer Sirin once said, “Every unhappy family is the same. Every happy family is unique.” The beatings could be bad, but
not as bad as the ones here.)

  Yowler, John, The Present-Absent Father, Mushroom Studies Press.

  (The old grandfather clock dolling out my doom. The nightly “calls to prayer” that he could not protect me from.)

  Zeel, George H., The Book of Squidanthropy, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  (It is coming sooner than I thought—the transformation they wish to deny me. One night, although it is forbidden, I shall sneak past the guards and slide out into the yard, sidle up to the fence, and flow through and over it as suits my new self . . . )

  Zenith, C. N., Effective Techniques for Building Suspense, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  Zither, Marianne, The Triumph of Madness Over Guilt, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  ( . . . under the light of the moon, with sweet, sweet longing, I make for the River Moth. Through the tangle of branches and moon-bright leaves, I surge toward the river. I can smell it, mad with silt, and hear its gurgling roar. Finally, the mud of the riverbank is under my tentacles, firm yet soft, and the grass can no longer lacerate my arms. For a moment, I remain on the river bank, looking out across the black waters reflecting the clouds above, and just watch the slow current, the way the water wavers and flows . . . I remember my mother, my father, the squid mills of my youth, the vast, silent library . . . )

  Zonn, Crathputt, How to Hold Your Audience in Thrall to the Very End, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  Zzy, Veriand, Satisfying Conclusions: Epiphanies in Squid Transformations, Frankwrithe & Lewden.

  (. . . then, with the strobing lights of my fellow squid to guide me, I baptize myself in the water, let it take me down into the silt, the sodden leaves, my lungs filling with the essence of life, my mantle full, my third eye already raking through the darkness, filling it with luminescence. The water smells of a thousand wonderful things. I am feather-light in its embrace. I want to cry for the joy of it. Slowly, slowly, I head for my brothers and sisters, disappearing from the sight of the doctors and the attendants, impervious to their recriminations, once more what I was always meant to be . . . )

  THE HOEGBOTTON FAMILY HISTORY