Shhh...Mack's Side

by Jettie Woodruff

  Colton learned very quickly that if he wanted to play this game of Russian roulette with me, he needed to make sure I was safely locked away from people before my hyper sexuality peaked. It was still there. It just took him getting me away from all the beautiful, dancing lights, the adorable little girls, and the buildings, oh the magnificent architecture.

  “Wow…” I said, tossing my head back as far as it would go. My building was so tall. I counted each window from the bottom up, making it to seven before Colton pulled me to the door. “Hi, Charles. I love this coat on you. It’s sooooo purple,” I said, running my hand down his vibrant, bright purple jacket. That was fake. I knew Charles wore the required hotel burgundy jacket with dark blue pants. His white hair didn’t really sparkle like that either.

  “Are you okay, Ms. McKenzie?” he frowned, asking concernedly if I was all right.

  “She’s a little drunk. I’ve got this,” Colton said, helping me inside. Good call. That would help with the embarrassment when I saw him in a couple days.

  I continued my charade throughout the building. The elevator floated us over the city of little girls. They waved up to us as we left earth. It was breathtaking. I waved back. Colton wanted nothing to do with this part of being a manic. He wanted the part where I was naked, where anything goes.

  Colton attacked me as soon as the door was closed. I felt sad, kissing him, like he didn’t really want me. He wanted my body. Unfortunately, the hyper sexuality was stronger than the sadness and won. Colton got his wish. I did things, things that would cause me to shake my head several times as I remembered what I had done.

  When I opened my eyes to darkness hours later, he was still there. In my bed. Oh, hell no.

  “You can go. I’m fine,” I said, rolling over. I pulled the sheet over my bare breasts when I realized I was naked. I knew he’d just seen me in the most exposed positions I could muster, and here I was hiding myself from him.

  “What if I don’t want to go? I cooked for us. You should eat something.”

  “You cooked?”

  “Yes, dear. I cooked. Come on. It’s ready.”

  Dear? What the hell? When did we advance to that? I know I was staring at him strangely, but I felt strange. I couldn’t help it. “What time is it?”

  “Almost nine.”

  “Is it Sunday?”

  “Yes. You’ve been out for about nineteen hours.”

  “Oh,” I responded, feeling confused. “I’ll be out in a few minutes. I want to shower.”

  Colton took my hand, bent to my level, and kissed the corner of my lips. I didn’t kiss him back. I waited for him to leave and then made my way to my bathroom, wrapped in the sheet. The first thing I noticed was the soreness between my legs. I’d remember it all, every last second of it. It would come back in fragments; flashes of erotic scenes would flood my mind over the next few days. I’d masturbate every day for a while, until I recollected every single thing we had done.

  I looked like hell, like I’d been having sex for hours and hours. Oh wait. I did. The hot bath reminded me of that quickly. Jesus, what the hell did we do?

  I tried to get Colton to leave again once I had a washed off all evidence of sex, had a fresh mouth, and clean hair. He wouldn’t go. He wanted to talk. Ugh.

  “Tell me about Mr. Nichols,” he approached, dipping mash potatoes on my plate.

  “Mr. Nichols?” I questioned. Looking down to the hamburger patty, buttery potatoes, and green beans, my stomach growled. Colton laughed, smiling at me with… Oh, god. Love. NO! When did this happen?

  “You told me about him last night. Was he the one that did this to you?”

  “Did what?” I asked defensively. I took a bite of the hamburger covered in gravy, savoring it before things got out of hand.

  “You told me, McKenzie. It’s okay. I want to be here for you. I want to help you.”

  One more bite. “You want to help me?”

  “I want to know if he made you this way.”

  “Made me what way, Colton? Do you have any idea what bipolar even is?”

  “I do. I looked up your medicine. I know what they’re prescribed for.”

  “Why all the sudden interest, Colton? Didn’t I fuck you crazy enough last night?”

  “Did you take your medication?”

  “Oh, no. Fuck no. You need to go.” Really? Did he honestly think he had the right to ask about my medication?

  “McKenzie, what? Tell me what to do? Let me be here for you. Let me love you,” Colton begged, pulling me into a tight embrace, crouched to his knees in front of me. I felt safe, briefly, that is. It only took a second to push him away.

  “I don’t want you to love me, Colton.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I’ve never asked you for anything.”

  “I know. And I want you to. Help me understand, McKenzie. Please don’t push me away. Believe in something for once. Believe in me.”

  I stood to get away from him, running my fingers through my long wet hair. “Yeah, I don’t really believe in people. People let you down.”

  “People like who? Gia?”

  My eyes snapped back to his. What the hell did I say to him? I never did that.

  “Do you remember anything?”

  I didn’t, but I would. I would know everything I said and did. It would just take some time to process and separate fact from fiction. This was real. I said things. I talked about Gia and Mr. Nichols. I never did that. Why did I do that?

  “I want you to leave.”

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “No, McKenzie. I’m not going to leave, and you’re not going to make me. Sit down and eat your supper. You need food. We don’t have to talk about anything right now but eventually, we are. And you’re going to let me be here for you.”

  I sat because he gave me no choice, but I didn’t falter. “You use my disability to your advantage.”

  “You use your disability to your advantage,” Colton accused. Slamming his fists through the wall, he lowered his voice. Damn. That was a short fuse. And my wall. “You use it to push people away. You use it to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. You use it to work. You work all the time. More than anyone should. When you’re not at work working, you’re here working. You use it to have multiple orgasms in one night, so that you don’t have to think about it again until you need to sleep. You use it to kill both birds with the same stone. You use it to be creatively enlightened, to stay one step ahead of Jane.

  “You know I’m not going to turn down the offer to be here when you’re high, but goddamnit, McKenzie. Let me be here when you’re not. Don’t sit here and tell me I don’t know anything about your diseases. I know. I’ve been researching it ever since that first night. I know what you go through. I don’t know why. You don’t talk about anything. Do you? Do you even know what causes Bipolar Disorder? I know what scientist speculate. Do you?”

  I lightly shook my head, staring up at him, walking around my kitchen. Why was he in my kitchen? Why wouldn’t he just leave?

  “Yeah, well they don’t really know either. It could be hereditary, but I wouldn’t know that either because you don’t talk about your mom or your dad. When was the last time you even talked to your parents?” Colton yelled. “It could be caused by trauma. I don’t know that either because I know nothing about you. Something happened to you to make you this way.”

  Colton dropped to his knees and took both my hands. “Don’t run, McKenzie. Don’t run from me. Please.”

  I didn’t know what to say, but my arms went around his neck. Shit. This is why I wanted him to leave. I didn’t want him to see this part. The emotional pain was unbearable. I sobbed in the crook of his neck and he held me. That’s all he did. He held me securely in his arms without a word, soothing me with his hands, up and down my back. I cried. I don’t know why. I had experienced it before, but couldn’t really put a finger on why I was coming down like this. Hmm. Alcohol.

  “How muc
h did I drink?” I asked, pulling away. I started to wipe away tears and he stopped me. Kissing them away with his lips.

  “Shhh…Too much.”

  “You can’t let me drink. You can’t ever let me drink. Not when I am on my medication and not when I am off them. You can’t ever let me drink, Colton,” I cried, letting his lips stop my tears. Damnit. How the hell did this happen. Colton kissed me, pulling me to the kitchen tile. I covered his body with mine and then kissed him back.

  Flashes of the night before blinked in front of my eyes. Ugh. I knew I let him put it in my ass. His hand wrapped around my throat in the flashback. I moved his hand in real life to my throat, squeezing it with my own in an attempt to recreate how to do this.

  “No, not like that,” Colton demanded, rolling me over. Towering above me, he kissed me with all the want and desire he had in him, and I felt it all. I tried on several occasions to vamp it up and make it more exotic like he was used to with me, but he wouldn’t let me. Colton made love to me on my kitchen floor. He didn’t have sex with me. And for the first time in years, I didn’t hear the wind chimes during sex. Maybe because this wasn’t sex and I wasn’t high.

  Colton spent the night with me for the first time that night. I spent most of the night lying awake in his arms, internally shaking my head, visualizing the things I knew had gone down. The frozen banana, that happened. The nipple clamp, chip clips. That happened. The spray nozzle. Oh god. That happened. Not the shower one. The one on the sink, where I sat, sprawled with my fingers separating my lips while the stream brought me to orgasm. Colton took a knife away from me when I taunted my clitoris with it. Oh my god, that happened, too. And he was still here, holding me in his arms.

  We woke up and went to work together. I was happy. I was very, very happy. I knew I shouldn’t let myself go there. I promised after AJ, I’d never let this happen again. I should start a plan. Like Kyle told me. Just in case I needed to go. I didn’t want to live in a hotel like I had the first time I ran. I needed a plan.

  Colton and I continued the entire week as a couple. I was having fun, making love, cuddling, laughing, watching movies, showering together. I was in love, protected love. I was only doing it for a little while. I would leave before I got hurt again. Get in and get out. Safe.

  Colton went home on Thursday and I missed him. We talked on the phone until I felt tired enough to fall asleep. I slept. I slept without a nightmare. I slept without hearing wind chimes and Gia’s little voice, yelling for me. I was resting again for the first time since I left AJ in Detroit. It wasn’t real, though. I knew it wasn’t. I couldn’t get too wrapped up in this new captivation. I had to play it safe.

  “You’re very cheery today. What did you do?”

  “You sound like my mother,” I accused Lila, taking a seat behind her desk.

  “How was your week?” Lila questioned cautiously, taking the seat I should have taken.

  “It was amazing. Everything is great. I was going to tell you about the competitions this visit. How Gia and me used to rule the roost around school. Even with the teachers,” I began voluntarily.

  “We’re not discussing Gia today. Tell me about your week. What’s his name?”

  “It’s Colton. All right? Geesh.”

  “The Colton from work?”

  “Yes. That one.”

  “Did you talk? Does he know things?”

  “Things like what, Lila? Things about me being crazy and seeing shit that’s not really there? I don’t want to talk about Colton. Colton and I are fine.”

  “For now. Let’s talk about Kyle.”

  “Kyle?” What the hell? I didn’t want to talk about Kyle. I wanted to talk about me and Gia. I had another couple months of material before I lied about that.

  “Tell me about your relationship with Kyle,” Lila persuaded, crossing her legs and straightening her skirt.

  “Gia’s dad? Our relationship was platonic. What do you want to know?” What was she insinuating? I studied her while she studied me. I hated when she did that. She was about to pull one over on me. I could feel it.

  “Do you lie, McKenzie?”

  I laughed. “Yeah, every day. So do you. So does everyone else.”

  “Have you lied to Gia?”

  I played. Whatever. “Yes. Lots of times.”

  “Your mother?”

  “Every time I talk to her.”

  “Your father?”

  “Nope. Don’t really talk to him, though.”

  “Do you lie to Colton?”

  “I have. Yes, I guess I do. I just told him I liked his ugly tie this morning. That was a lie.”

  “Sit down, McKenzie.”

  What? I hadn’t even realized I was pacing. I sat back in my habitual seat, trying to keep up.

  “Have you lied to me?”

  I thought about it, looking past her, staring at the brass doorknob. “No. I haven’t lied to you yet.”

  “How do I know you’re not lying?”

  “You don’t, but I haven’t lied to you.”

  “Is that why you want to keep talking about how happy you and your little friend were growing up? Practically sisters, right?”

  “What the hell is that? Since when do you sound so condescending? You don’t have a right to judge me. I don’t pay you to judge me. I can get that for free.”

  “Yes, you can.”

  Shoot. Now you sit down. I hated it when she paced. I wasn’t allowed to pace, why the hell was she allowed to pace? I wanted to pace, too.

  “You’re not going to lie to me, are you? You’re planning to see me for couple more months, tell me how much money you had growing up, how you and your bestie won numerous competitions, dated all the hot dudes, lost your virginity to the hot quarterback with his hair hanging in his eyes and his jeans falling off his ass. I get all that. Let’s talk about Kyle some more.”

  “Fine, Lila. Let’s talk about a bystander that has no significance to my life whatsoever. Go ahead. What do you want to know?” I leaned back and crossed my arms, standoffish like. Who the hell did she think she was, anyway? I was paying her. And not to condemn or make accusations either.

  “When did it change?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Tell me how old you were when it changed from Gia’s daddy to Kyle?”

  “You’re the crazy one. I don’t even know what you’re asking.”

  “Fine, McKenzie. Let’s play games,” Lila spoke in an exasperated tone. She sat back down and looked at me with a patronizing expression. “Have you ever had sexual relations with Kyle?”

  “The Bill Clinton. That’s low. Even for you. Wow, below the belt, eh?”

  “Is it? Answer the question.”

  I took a deep breath. This lady was a kook. “No. I have never had sexual relations with Gia’s dad.” My god. “Just because I said I worked to please him, didn’t mean I was talking about sex. Why is it always sex? Why must we always rotate around sex? He was nice to me. He praised me when I did well.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Oh my god,” I said, standing. “What do you want from me?”

  “Tell me about the first time you came off your meds.”

  “I was sixteen. Why? I’m beginning to think you’re the one who needs therapy.”

  “Tell me about it. Where were you? What happened?”

  I shook my head and dropped to the chair. Picking up a paperclip, I straightened it and turned away from Lila. Running the sharp edge below my nails, I propped my feet to the radiator behind me. “It was New Years. I remembered that I wasn’t supposed to drink on my meds so I purposely skipped them the night before. It was Gia’s mom’s turn to host the party. I was scared.”

  “You stopped taking your medicine and got drunk?”

  “No. Not that night. I was too terrified to drink. Something was happening. I was seeing things.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like everyone was—they were happy. Everyone was the same. It was a new year and happy ener
gy permeated from everyone’s skin. It filled the whole room, but I was still scared. I knew it wasn’t real. I backed away from the room of drunks. Backing into Gia, our backs bumped and she turned to look at me.

  “She thought I was drunk. She blew me off, telling me to go to her room. I was bothering her and her fun night. She turned back to Jake and sipped her vodka hidden punch. Gia told me to go to her room before our parents knew we were drunk. I stumbled away from her. Our parents wouldn’t know anything. I looked around the room of colorful people, having the time of their lives, waiting for a stupid ball to drop. Nobody knew I was in trouble. My mother and Melanie were dancing with a whole room full of people.

  “My breathing became erratic and I pulled out on my dress, trying to loosen my confined airways. Kyle put his arm around my waist, not knowing anything was wrong. He made a joke about all the drunk people and said something about the new year. I looked over at him holding his drink. I don’t know what expression was on my face, but I knew the one on his.”

  “He understood,” Lila spoke. I spun around to look at her.

  “Yeah, he did,” I admitted.

  “When did you know?”

  I shrugged my shoulders, but I didn’t lie.

  “It started pretty early on. I may have been fifteen or so. We were in Gia’s pool and her and I were floating around, talking and laughing. We thought we were home alone, and slid our tops off. It was my turn to fill our glasses and I walked in the house, topless. Not paying attention to anything around me, I placed the ice in our glasses and opened a bottle of peach flavored water.

  “I tried to cover myself with the two glasses when I turned to see Kyle standing on the other side of the island, watching me. Neither of us spoke. Our eyes did that uncomfortable locking thing where neither of you can seem to turn away. I watched his eyes scan my naked body, wearing nothing but a G-string bikini. His eyes slowly made their way back up, stopping briefly between my legs. That was the first time I felt that sensation between there.”

  “And then what happened?” she asked.