Not Mine (Not Mine Series Book 1)

by Emma Evans

  I inadvertently walk over at the wrong time. Stacey trails off from what she was saying. She was definitely going to ask him out. She didn’t need to stop on my account.

  ‘Avery,’ Ted says my name as though he is pleased to see me. He doesn’t look as though he is desperate to get out of the situation he is in. He always looks too laid back. I do envy him that.

  ‘Here you go.’ I put the tray of drinks on the bar top. Stacey really isn’t pleased by my arrival.

  ‘Thanks,’ she eventually replies looking entirely at Ted. ‘See you later Ted,’ she adds. Stacey leaves without another glance.

  ‘She’s got it bad...’ I state trailing off. I look directly at Ted.

  ‘I have no idea what you are talking about,’ he replies innocently.

  ‘What would you have said if she’d finished asking you out?’ I ask genuinely interested for the answer.

  ‘I would have politely told her I was busy,’ he replies as though it is obvious.

  ‘Have you been out with her?’ I ask.

  ‘Maybe.’

  Teds answer says it all. He only dates once and Stacey has had her date. I feel a little sorry for her. Ted is such a great guy but he doesn’t want a girlfriend. I asked him about it before and it wasn’t worth the hassle. He only probed me about my relationship with Darius. He implied that we were settling because we didn’t want to be on our own. He couldn’t be any more wrong. Darius and I are really happy. We’re not all over each other like we were when we first got together but that’s to be expected after a year in a relationship isn’t it?

  ‘What if she asks you out again?’ I persist.

  Ted rolls his eyes this time. ‘She won’t,’ he replies confidently. ‘She knows the score,’ he adds.

  I look over to Stacey and they way she is staring over at us right now is telling me that she doesn’t know the score at all; either that or she’s hoping to wear him down. It won’t work.

  ‘Anyway isn’t it time you finished.’ Ted raises one eyebrow at me.

  ‘Can’t wait to get rid of me can you?’ I tease.

  ‘You were eager to leave. I am merely pointing out it is the time you had been waiting for,’ he says deadpan.

  ‘Why thank you,’ I retort.

  I have wanted to leave for the last few hours but for some reason I don’t want to go. My body seems to be agreeing with my head and we are not moving. A few customers come in and I help Ted serve them. He doesn’t need the help and the rest of the evening staff will be coming in soon anyway. It’s time to leave. The gym will help work out whatever funk I seem to be going through.

  ‘I’ll see you tomorrow Ted,’ I tell him. Ted works as many hours as me and we’re on the same shift tomorrow.

  ‘Laters Av.’ He smiles at me while he makes a cosmo.

  I scan the room. I don’t know why. I’ve been doing it for the last few hours but this time something catches my attention; someone catches my attention. I cannot help the involuntary flutter of my heart when I see him. It’s irrational. It’s stupid but I cannot help it. He’s here; Lawson Ace. He’s been coming in here for the last few months. It makes my day. I’m so stupid but it’s just a crush. I mean there can’t be a woman around that wouldn’t have a crush on this man. His jet black hair is styled into place and his deep blue eyes are hypnotising. I try not to look into them which is easy because he never looks at me. He always comes in and goes straight to the restaurant. Normally he is accompanied by a few people and today is no different. He dresses well; suited out. There’s an air of authority to him but he doesn’t seem arrogant. I’m yet to see him smile. I bet he has a beautiful smile.

  I want to stay. I want to stay more than anything. I feel like my equilibrium is returning now I have seen him. It’s pretty pathetic he has this affect on me when he has barely said two words to me the whole time I have known him. He rarely comes across to the bar and when he does it seems to be when I’m busy serving someone else. I can ogle safely from a distance and there’s nothing wrong with that. It took seconds to zone in on the one item which has made him unattainable; his wedding ring. I’ve only been up close to him once and there was no missing the piece of jewellery on his finger.

  It doesn’t matter whether he is married or not I would never make a move. I have Darius and I love Darius. I ignore the part of me which is saying I am trying to convince myself of this too much. He’s gorgeous. He makes me feel totally irrational things but it’s okay because it’s just a crush. The packaging is hot as hell and I’ve created the perfect man in my head to go along with it. He’s probably a jerk. He’s probably vein, rude and despicable but that does not change the fact that he is sex on legs. He’s the epitome of perfection. Lawson is nice to look at and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. I only know his name because one of his companions called to him from the bar one time. I like the name. It suits him.

  ‘Earth to Avery.’ Ted pulls me back to the here and now. I cannot hide the fact I was staring so I’m not going to try.

  ‘I’m leaving,’ I reply with a sigh. I want to stay and continue my ogling.

  ‘You’re all flushed. I don’t want to know what you were thinking,’ he adds shaking his head.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with looking,’ I protest. He’s hot. I’m not going to pretend otherwise.

  ‘No there’s not but you should put your tongue back in before Darius reaches us.’

  I frown and then realisation dawns on me; I’m meant to be meeting Darius after work. I look at my watch. He’s late as usual and if it hadn’t been for my mindless gawking then I would have missed him. I guess the gym and the assignment is out for the evening. I ignore the stabbing of disappointment I feel. I love Darius. I really do love Darius.

  ‘Ready to leave?’ Darius asks instead of any greeting.

  I muster up a smile. ‘Yep.’

  ‘Hey Darius,’ Ted acknowledges him.

  ‘Ted,’ Darius nods his head back.

  I hesitantly walk to the other side of the bar. I have the urge to look over to the restaurant but I refrain from doing so. I look at the man I love. He’s glued to his phone which is no surprise. His mousy brown hair is slightly too long and cascades over one of his eyes. I’m surprised he can see his phone properly. He stops what he is doing and flicks his hair back as if he is in some kind of hair care advert. His sparkling blue eyes find their way back to his phone. I love his eyes. I think I have a thing for blue eyes. Lawson has blue eyes... Anyway we met here just over a year ago. Darius was very subtle with his flirting to the point I was surprised when he asked me out. He’s kind and we don’t argue and things are easy between us.

  Darius is an accountant and normally he picks me up straight after he finishes work. He’s not adorning a suit today but a pair of ripped jeans and an old tatty jumper. His attire changes dramatically when he is not working. He told me that he has to spend all day every day wearing clothes which make him feel uncomfortable so when he’s not in that situation he wears exactly what he wants. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that but the clothes he does choose to wear all look like they have seen better days.

  I grab my bag and coat from the back room and then find myself rooted to the same spot. Darius is going to be able to tell something is up and I wouldn’t know what to say. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’ve felt off for hours and I’m only now starting to feel normal again but I don’t think it has anything to do with my boyfriend’s arrival. I must be tired or hungry or both. I’ll feel differently in the morning.

  As I reach Darius I find myself looking over to the restaurant again. Lawson is wearing a benign smile which doesn’t seem genuine at all. It’s the only smile I have seen him wear. He’s chatting to the people he is with. I think they’re clients. I’m assuming they are work clients because he always comes in with different people. Sometimes the same people make a reappearance and it’s normally a month a part. He has a routine. I could be wrong but it doesn’t seem social. It’s almost like h
e doesn’t want to be here but knows he has to. I’m probably reading too much into it. He could be a very social person with many friends.

  I look away. I can’t keep obsessing over Lawson. Yes it’s harmless enough and I would never repeat any of my thoughts out loud but it feels as though this crush is starting to impact my life. It’s crazy. We don’t interact. We don’t converse. He’s hot but I’m observing at a safe distance. I fling my arms around Darius and pull him into a kiss. He’s not prepared for it as he’s totally absorbed with his phone.

  ‘Easy tiger,’ Darius murmurs to me as he slowly untangles himself from me.

  At least he’s put his phone away now. He smiles fondly at me. I love Darius. He’s my future. I don’t look towards the restaurant again. I need to get out of this fantasy land I’ve created before it gets me into trouble.

  Chapter 2

  I had an errant thought once; actually if I am being honest I have errant thoughts all of the time. The only difference with this particular one was the fact that it kept attacking me; that’s how it felt. The idea persisted and the more I tried to push it away the more it was telling me to listen. I do sometimes worry there’s something wrong with me but I tend to push those thoughts away as quickly as they come to me. I guess I can do it when I have the right motivation. I choose what I want to believe. Actually I’m probably being too hard on myself. I’m pretty level headed but sometimes these thoughts do persist. If they are reoccurring who am I to ignore them? Anyway, where was I? Oh yes! I had a particular errant thought that turned into an idea, which became a plan and before I knew it I was well on my way to a new life; well to University anyway.

  Once I made the decision to go to University I thought everything else would fall into place. I knew what I wanted to study but then I had the dilemma of where I was going to do all of this. My errant thought was a lot more complicated than I had initially envisioned but when in life is anything worthwhile easy? I knew I needed to make my choice swiftly as the closing dates for the applications were closing in fast. I didn’t want to wait another year to go to University. I had made my decision and I wanted to go through with it. If I had another year to think about it then I knew I wouldn’t make it through the doors. I thankfully stuck through college to get average a-levels but at the age of eighteen I hadn’t wanted to pursue anything further. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I got a job in a bar and found I enjoyed it. I found I loved it. I feel the same after almost ten years but now I feel as though there is something missing.

  It took me minutes to pick what course I wanted to study but the location was still a mystery to me. I liked the idea of going away to University even though I had so many ties in Gloucester; well I had my family and friends. I’d found a lot of courses in several Universities which all appealed to me but there was something in the back of my head telling me to stay. I agonised over the decision but I eventually listened to the irrational part of me which couldn’t come up with a single reason why staying was better than moving. I’d been dating Darius for a couple of months and as much as I cared about him at the time I don’t think he was the motivating factor behind my decision. I never really thought about it in great detail before. It was easier to think he along with everyone else that I loved played their part but now I’m not so sure. My errant thoughts are not making so much sense today.

  I look up at the mammoth structure in front of me. The architectural features are beautiful, almost medieval but not quite. The once castle still has many of its original characteristics but has been uplifted with a modern twist; mainly so it is safe and not crumbling around us. The greenery which grows between the walls only adds to its appeal. I don’t actually have any lectures in this building which is a pity but I do like to stop and look at it every now and again. I must look pretty sad to the bystanders around me but I don’t care. I’ve taken control of my life and it feels good. There’s nothing wrong with stopping to appreciate it now and again. I try to convince myself of this point anyway.

  I felt out of place when I’d eventually started here but it can’t be helped. I’m by no means the only mature student; there are loads of us but I still feel a little out of my depth. The work load is fine but I’m struggling to find a balance with the social side. I have no social side. I could blame it on all the hours I put in at Grey Shadows but I know it’s only an excuse. I feel too old to socialise which is silly because I’m only twenty-seven but there’s a massive difference between twenty-seven and eighteen; like almost ten years difference.

  I feel out of sorts again today but I can’t pin point the source. I’m confused and I almost feel as though I’m walking in someone else’s shoes. I’m the bystander watching my life go by. I can’t feel this way. I need to snap out of it. I don’t want to feel like something is still missing. I’ve decided to take charge of my life and try to formulate some kind of career and future but why doesn’t that feel like enough? I have goals. I have something to aim for. I have someone who loves me and whom I love in return so what is missing? I wrack my brains because I feel utterly clueless. I hate the sensation. It almost feels like a loss of control. I’ve always felt that way in the past but I was always happy enough to coast by without making any real or hard decisions. This restlessness inside me is starting to give me a headache. I can ponder all I want but it won’t shift. Maybe I’m always going to feel this way. Maybe something will always be missing and I have to accept the fact. But I don’t want to accept the fact. It’s the type of thing the old Avery would say and I want to be active. I don’t want to be the passive passenger in my life any more.

  I shake my head. This is too deep. I’ve finished my one and only lecture for the day so I’m going to head to the gym even if it’s only for half an hour before I go into work. I couldn’t fulfil my need to work out yesterday so maybe it will help me today. I like the idea. It’ the only time I can seem to push my thoughts completely away. I focus on what I’m doing and nothing else. I can focus in lectures but the murky feeling is always there sitting in my gut. I turn for the direction of the gym when I realise I don’t have my gym clothes with me. They’re sitting in the boot of my car. Out of sheer laziness I sigh at the thought of having to go back to my car. Not the best motivating factor when I want to do a quick but intense work out. Lawson hit my brain for a second and then shot straight out of it. How odd. I don’t dwell on the fact. There’s nothing wrong with having a bit of eye candy and that’s all he is.

  After I begrudgingly walk the whole of ten minutes to my car to retrieve my clothing I feel like I’m starting to get somewhere. I should have kept my bag on me when I’d left. I knew I would want a work out but I left in such a rush the thought did not occur to me. I don’t know why but I always wind up being late when I stay over at Darius’s. I get up in enough time but we don’t seem to fit our individual routines around each other effectively. It wasn’t an issue when I was only working in the bar. I tended to leave after Darius. I have early lectures now and even months down the line we struggle to make it work. Does that mean we are both too stuck in our ways? Darius likes to get up early and have his coffee and listen to the news before he attempts to get ready and I wake up as late as possible so I only have time to get up and ready. You’d think we’d work out a time to suit us both but we nearly always seem to clash. I inevitably end up having to wait as he always manages to get in the bathroom before me. It’s frustrating but I’m sure we’ll figure it out. I could go to the gym before lectures and then shower afterwards. That might be the way forward. I like my sleep. I love my sleep but sometimes sacrifices need to be made. I am very aware I’m being slightly dramatic again.

  I check my watch. I wouldn’t even have enough time for the workout if I hadn’t changed my shift at last minute. I was meant to be on the day shift with Ted but Nadine text me late last night and asked if I would swap. She rattled on about having an extra swimming session in the evening she hadn’t planned on but I wasn’t really listening. She wasn’t really ratt
ling on either. Nadine is way too concise and clear to describe her in that way but it’s how it seemed when I zoned out. I didn’t need to know the reason why she wanted to swap. If I can swap, I will. It meant I had the afternoon to complete the assignment I had wanted to finish last night. I knew if I’d worked my normal shift I probably would have ended up going back to Darius’s and not getting much done. I shouldn’t feel relieved I don’t get to see my boyfriend today and I don’t; not really. I’m just happy I’ve managed to catch up on my work. It’ll be better when I have mastered the art of working and studying full time. There has to be a way and I will find it. Plus it’s always good to be accommodating. I know Ted will swap shifts with me whenever I want but we invariably end up doing a lot of the same shifts as we both work full time. I know if I help Nadine out then at some point she will return the favour. She hasn’t worked at Grey Shadows for long but she’s a friend of Hannah’s and Hannah vouched for her. It was enough for me. Hannah is my one and only friend at University. It’s not sad at all. I’m quite happy with the limited friendship in my new life.

  Hannah appears as if by magic as I think of her. It’s not really a coincidence as her lecture finished about five minutes ago and I’m standing near the building she has vacated. Her face lights up when she sees me.

  ‘I thought you were working this afternoon,’ Hannah states with a bright smile on her face.

  ‘I swapped with Nadine so she could train tonight,’ I explain as I exchange smiles with her friends Leah and Jess.

  I can’t call them my friends; not really. I’ve met them a couple of times and held a couple of conversations but it by no means makes us best friends. Hannah is a different story entirely.

  I met Hannah on my very first day. I was standing behind her while we were waiting to register. No one ever warned me what a waste of a day that would be. Everyone was queuing up at the same time to register. It was anarchy. I nearly turned around and went back home. I nearly turned around but I refrained. I did however ask a complete stranger which turned out to be Hannah to mind my spot while I raced to the closest restroom. She agreed. I was gone way longer than I should have been and it wasn’t deliberate either. It was only when I arrived back that I noticed there was a toilet around the corner. It hadn’t mattered anyway because true to her word, Hannah saved my space. I was eternally grateful.