Not Mine (Not Mine Series Book 1)

by Emma Evans

  I jump up from bed as though I am awaking from a nightmare. It was a nightmare; such a beautiful nightmare. I’m sweating and I’m breathing hard. That dream felt so real. My feelings felt so real. I got lost and my moral compass evaporated. It was just a dream. It’s not real. For a split second I feel disappointed but it’s only for a split second. Shame still hits me as I’m aware of what I cannot vocalise. I want him and the fact that he’s married is irrelevant. I push that thought away. Of course it’s relevant. I had a dream. I only dreamt of him because I saw him last night. He was the perfect gentleman. He was perfect in every way.

  I don’t remember much of the dialogue from last night but I don’t need to. Lawson bumped into us and offered to take us home. We were cordial and polite to one another and that was it. My stomach turns as though it wants to protest. It’s probably the raging hangover which is fast approaching.

  I’ve been out. I’ve done the whole student thing and it is safe to say I have no intention of doing it again. I’m not missing out and I am too old for that type of malarkey. I think of Hannah and the guilt resurfaces. She was so drunk. I know I wasn’t exactly sober but she could barely stand. I wonder whether this is a regular occurrence. Maybe I should have a chat with her the next time I see her. I remember getting in some messes with Hasina and Chloe but we always looked after one another. There didn’t seem to be any of that last night.

  I’m going to text Hannah and see how she is. I have no idea what the time is but I know it can’t be too late because it is still a little dark outside. I go to sit up and then think better of it. The pain which is now persistently lodged in my head is telling me that I don’t want to move. The pain is not advising me but telling me; do not move. I comply; it would be stupid not to. My eyelids begin to feel heavy. I need a bit more sleep. If I have a bit more sleep then I will be able to think more coherently. My headache will disappear and I will be ready to take on the day. There’s plenty of time before I have to make it into University. I close my eyes. I like my new plan. I don’t think I would have had the energy to do anything differently.

  I awake with a start and feel entirely disorientated. It’s bright. It is too damn bright. I want the day to go away. All my optimism about feeling okay has disintegrated. Of course I wasn’t going to wake and my hangover had magically disappeared. I drank far too much for that. I am never doing it again. I am really never doing it again. Drinking on a school night is by far a crazy thing to do. How do students do it and make it in for lectures the next day? I shake my head and then I wish I hadn’t as my brain protests.

  I have a new plan for today. It’s not a very good one but I am sticking to it. I’m not moving from bed. It is that simple. I can’t go into University. Even if I could somehow force myself in I am not going to learn anything. My headache is so prominent I’m not going to be able to think of anything else. I’d be there in body but that’s it. I suppose I could record the lectures and take it in once I feel better but I can’t get out of bed. I suppose I could if I really tried but every fibre of my being is telling me to stay in this warm, comfy bed. It’s safe and exactly where I need to be. I am never drinking on a school night again. I know I have said this before but I really mean it. This feeling really isn’t worth it.

  I stretch out to my bedside cabinet to retrieve my phone. It’s not there. I want to groan so I do. Why does everything have to be so difficult? I sit up and scan my room. My bag is on the floor so I go to retrieve it before I think any better of it. I pull out my phone and dump the bag onto the floor. I jump back in bed and will myself not to be sick. I think I might be. I think it is a very real possibility that I’m going to have to run to the bathroom. I wait for the wave of nausea to pass before I contemplate doing anything else.

  I look at my phone and there are no messages. I don’t know why I thought there would be. Who was I expecting? My phone comes to life as I ponder the answer. It’s a message from Darius asking how I am. I stare at my device as if I am reading this wrong. I haven’t heard from Darius since our break-up. There has been a part of me which has missed him but there is also that other part which is still telling me I have done the right thing. My heart didn’t flutter when I saw his name. I felt confusion. I don’t know what to do. Shall I reply or would that be encouraging him? He seemed fine about the break-up so maybe I could reply. Did I see him last night? Is that why he is asking me how am? I try to think back but a lot of it is a blur. I check my messages and calls to see if I had spoken to him at all. I hadn’t. I type Hannah a quick message asking her how she feels today and whether she has gone into University and put my phone back down. I can’t think straight and if I can’t think straight I probably shouldn’t be conversing with Darius. I’ll think about it again later.

  I hear a ping some time later telling me I have a message. I still don’t feel any better. How long are hangovers meant to last? This feels epic. I have a reply from Hannah and it says she can’t move. I’m glad it’s not just me. I type her a message telling her I feel exactly the same and am never, ever drinking again. Her reply is instant as she tells me she would say the same but knows she will be out again within the week. I really don’t know how she does it. This hangover has put me off drinking at all for the foreseeable future. I certainly couldn’t go through this weekly. I push the thought away as my wave of nausea returns. It lasts for longer this time and I stand as I contemplate whether I need to run to the bathroom or not. I jump into bed when I decide I’m not going to throw up yet.

  As I close my eyes I hear my message tone go off again. I wonder briefly whether it’s Darius again or not. I still haven’t been able to decide what to do. It’s a message from Chloe asking me what time I will be back from University. Well that’s an easy one. I reply telling her I’m at home and she replies asking if she can call over. I hesitate only because I know I am going to struggle being social but Chloe doesn’t normally text last minute to ask if she can come over so I know there must be something going on. I tell her to come over whenever she likes and I am secretly hoping it is going to be in a few hours. I receive a reply telling me she will be over in an hour. I guess I have an hour to try and get myself together. I think it’s an impossible task and will never work but I have to try I guess.

  I get out of bed. I have accomplished something just by not jumping straight back into it. I head straight to my kitchen and retrieve some paracetamol. I should have taken these first thing this morning but I couldn’t make it this far. I should leave some in the bedroom. After I have accomplished this task I decide to take a shower. The heat does not agree with me and I spend the next twenty minutes hovering over the toilet basin. I’m not actually sick but the feeling is persisting. When I am confident I can stand again I put a little bit of make-up on. I need to resemble some kind of normalcy and even though I still look awful I do feel marginally better. I plonk myself on my sofa and put the tv on quietly. I think I have done well. I think I have done exceedingly well. Now if only this headache would do one...

  Chloe is punctual and rings the buzzer almost an hour after her message. I’ve been sitting on the sofa for twenty minutes or so and I don’t want to get up. I don’t think I can get up. I sigh. Why am I putting myself through this? It’s not like I wanted to drown my sorrows over Darius. I did feel like I was drowning my sorrows. I push the thought away. I shouldn’t be doing a thing which is going to require thinking today. My buzzer persists and I realise I have to get up. I can’t keep my pregnant friend waiting outside in the cold. I hope it’s not raining. The thought is enough to make me jump up. I let her in before I peer out of the window. It’s dry. I’m not sure how cold it is but it is dry. I sit down again and contemplate not moving from this spot for the rest of the day.

  ‘Hey,’ I hear Chloe call to me as she enters the room.

  I open my eyes. I hadn’t realised I had closed them. I’m never going to pass off looking fine. I might as well give up on that notion now.

  ‘Morning,’ I reply as I smile.
/>
  I should have gotten up to greet Chloe but I can’t move quite yet. I smile as she comes into focus. She’s frowning at me which isn’t a good sign. Her long brown hair is perfectly straight. There’s not a single kink and her make-up looks styled to perfection. She looks flawless whereas I do not. I feel a little envious but then I remember there is a reason why I look so atrocious.

  ‘You look like shit,’ Chloe states as she sits down on my other sofa. She’s never been one to hold back on what she is thinking.

  ‘Thanks,’ I reply in humour. There’s absolutely zero point in denying it. ‘Would you like a drink or anything?’ I ask.

  Normal pleasantries take over. I don’t know if I would have done the same thing if anyone else had called around by Chloe is heavily pregnant. She needs looking after. I might not be very good today but I will make sure she is as comfortable as she can be.

  ‘I would love a cup of tea,’ she replies.

  Tea is easy enough. I get up off the sofa without wincing and head to the kitchen. I make myself a cup too. I don’t know whether I will be able to stomach it but I guess we will soon find out.

  ‘So... What’s going on Av?’ Chloe asks me as I place her mug beside her.

  I frown. ‘What do you mean?’ I ask wondering whether Chloe is being general or not. The look on her face is telling me she is not.

  ‘Are you really going to play dumb with me?’ she asks as she blows into her cup.

  I’m contemplating replying saying I’m not playing dumb and I am utterly confused but I stop myself. The look on Chloe’s face is telling me she is not to be messed with.

  ‘How are you enjoying your maternity leave?’ I ask.

  Is this why she is annoyed? I haven’t spoken to Chloe much since we met for coffee. I assumed if she wanted to see me while she was on maternity leave she would let me know. Maybe I should have called to see if she wanted to do something.

  Chloe rolls her eyes at me. ‘I’m bored,’ she replies flatly. ‘I know I should be enjoying the down time now because I won’t get any later but that’s not me. I wish I’d worked right up to me due date now.’

  I’m struggling to remember but I am sure this is Chloe’s first week on maternity leave.

  ‘Well you know you can always come over here or we can meet and do something any time you want,’ I reply sincerely hoping she does not want to go out today. I would do it for Chloe. I would mentally want to do it for Chloe but I don’t know whether physically it would be a realistic possibility.

  ‘Thanks... Why are you home today? Are lectures cancelled?’ Chloe asks with renewed interest.

  ‘How are the in-laws?’ I ask knowing this will always result in Chloe going on for ages about whatever Arnie’s mother has done recently.

  ‘As interfering as ever... now back to you,’ Chloe persists while giving me her no nonsense stare. The stare scares me a little and I will always back down. I have little back-bone today anyway.

  ‘My lectures are not cancelled. I was too hungover to go in,’ I admit and I feel like I might about to be having a lecture from my mum when I see the look on Chloe’s face.

  ‘That explains... this.’ Chloe trails off as gestures to me. I guess she’s implying the mess I look which is a fair observation.

  ‘Hannah keeps asking me to go out on a student night. I went. I did it and now I am never doing it again,’ I say in monotone. Even the thought of last night is making me feel queasy.

  ‘That hungover huh?’ Chloe’s lips twitch with a smile but then it disappears. ‘Why did you break up with Darius?’

  I’m stunned into silence. I hadn’t been expecting the question. I’ve only told Ted and Hannah about the break-up and there is zero possibility Chloe has found out from one of them.

  ‘How do you know about that?’ I ask unable to contain my surprise.

  ‘I understand what you mean... How can I possibly know when you haven’t told anyone you’ve broken up?’

  The question is accusatory and I feel a little bit guilty. Of course I was going to tell everyone but when I was ready. I didn’t think for a second anyone would find out before I got the chance to say.

  ‘Well yeah exactly. I was going to tell you and didn’t expect someone else to get in there first,’ I reply pragmatically.

  ‘So why did you break up?’ she persists.

  I’m about to answer honestly but something stops me. ‘Who told you?’ I ask.

  I need to know the answer first. I really couldn’t picture either Hannah or Ted breaking my trust. Who else could it have been? Did I leave Chloe a late night message revealing all last night?

  Chloe looks at me for a second as if she is weighing up whether to tell me or not. If she decides she’s not going to reveal the truth then I’m not going to explain why. It might sound childish but I need to know.

  ‘Darius,’ she eventually replies as she sits back on the sofa to gage my reaction.

  Why did it not occur to me it could have been him? I’ve only told two people and I knew they wouldn’t break my confidence so that only left one other person. Of course it had to be Darius. I can’t believe he did it and now I’m curious.

  ‘He called you to tell you we broke up?’ I query. Maybe he hasn’t taken this as well as I thought and has been contacting my friends to gage where my head is at.

  ‘Of course not. I bumped into him at Sainsbury’s yesterday,’ she informs me.

  ‘Oh,’ I reply.

  I feel a little deflated and I don’t know why. It’s a good thing Darius hasn’t been badgering my friends.

  ‘Is that all you have to say?’ Chloe enquires after I go quiet. She’s looking a little frustrated with me. I am seriously hungover so I need a little time to think coherently.

  ‘Well what did he say?’ I ask well aware I haven’t answered her original question. I’m curious.

  Chloe looks at me for a minute and I can tell she is pissed now. She really doesn’t hide it well.

  ‘Well seems that you asked I made a bit of a fool of myself. He asked how I was and I replied and then returned the favour. He said he was bearing up under the circumstances and I was a little confused but didn’t say anything. I thought I’d catch up with you later to see what was going on with him. But then he wished me all the best with the baby. Kind of like have a nice life kind of speech so then I told him he’d have to come over with you when the baby is born...’

  Chloe retells the story in slow detail before she trails off. We both know where it is heading.

  ‘Oh...’ I reply again and trail off.

  ‘Yeah I felt a right ass when he told me you broke up... He seemed really confused I didn’t know as did I,’ she adds clearly not impressed.

  I’m trying to think but I am drawing a blank. Perhaps that is why Darius text me this morning. Where does he think my head is at? I’m so confused. I don’t need this today.

  ‘I was going to,’ I reply in my defence. ‘I didn’t think there was a time limit and he would get in there first.’

  ‘He didn’t exactly rush to tell me Av. It was obvious I thought you two were still together,’ she says in his defence.

  I don’t blame him, not really. I should have told everyone by now. I guess I wanted to delay the lectures I will inevitably have. I know my first one is coming any minute now.

  ‘Oh,’

  ‘You could trying saying a little bit more than oh as well.’

  Chloe looks me square in the eyes and she’s giving me her no nonsense stare. I hate that look. It intimidates me and she knows this.

  I rub my hands across my face as if my headache is going to disappear. It had only just started to disappear and now it is back worse than ever.

  ‘Chloe I really don’t know what to say. We broke up. It wasn’t working out. I had to end it. I was going to tell everyone but I wanted to leave it for a few days,’ I reply honestly.

  ‘Why? To see if you’d made the right decision?’ she asks as though she is really trying to understand.

/>   ‘No. I know I made the right decision. He started talking about swapping keys and commitment and I knew I didn’t want any of that with him,’ I add hoping she will understand.

  Chloe takes a sip of her tea as she thinks. I can clearly see the cogs turning in her brain. I know what is going to come next.

  ‘Did the thought of commitment scare you?’ she asks eventually.

  Chloe and Hasina are convinced I am scared of commitment. I’m not. I’m really not but I don’t want to settle down with just anyone. If I know it’s not going to last then what’s the point in wasting each other’s time?

  ‘No,’ I reply starting to feel a bit frustrated myself.

  Chloe looks at me sceptically. This is exactly why I didn’t want to say anything. Whenever I end things with a boyfriend I get this reaction. I’m not going to stay in a relationship because I’m a certain age and I should cling on. If I don’t think it’s going to work then it’s better to end it. Surely that’s logical sense.

  ‘Av I’m really confused why you keep sabotaging things. Darius is a great guy who was clearly smitten with you...’

  ‘How do you know that Chloe?’ I snap. ‘Because I clearly couldn’t see it. We got on fine. We were comfortable in each other’s company and we never argued but that’s no reason to make life long commitments together. He was fine with the break-up. We mutually understood the relationship wasn’t going anywhere,’ I add in a rush.

  I really don’t want to get annoyed but it’s getting difficult not to. I’m so glad Hasina is not here as well.

  ‘What’s wrong with getting along fine and not arguing? A lot of people would love to be in a relationship where there were no arguments?’ Chloe asks clearly confused by my answer.

  I shrug my shoulders. ‘There was something missing,’ I add simply.

  Lawson enters my head and I push him right back out again. I can’t tell Chloe that I knew it was over with Darius because I started having inappropriate feelings for a married man. She would think I was crazy and she certainly wouldn’t approve. I don’t approve but my point is it was over with Darius the second I realised I was attracted to someone else.