by Emma Evans
I did this. I will take full blame. I’ve put ideas in his head. I know how much Lawson loves his wife. I know how much he loves her because he’s told me enough times. I want to bang my head against a brick wall. Maybe it will knock some sense into me. I initiated this when I told him how I felt. I set the wheels in motion. I’m culpable. I’ve done something I never could have imagined I would do.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve fantasised about Lawson and all the wicked things he could do to me but that was harmless; it was all in my head. I jumped straight over the line when I kissed him back. I’ve hurt another woman. I’ve been cheated on in the past and I know how much it hurts. I can’t believe I’ve done it. My thoughts are my own. My thoughts are harmless. Why did I let my actions run away with me?
I have a knot in the pit of my stomach and I know it’s not going to go for a long time; it’s guilt. If Lawson knows what’s best then he’ll stay away from Grey Shadows and never return. I won’t pretend it won’t hurt or that it will be easy but it’s for the best.
I don’t know why I am considering the what if’s. I remember the look on his face after our earth shattering kiss. Regret would be too weak a word to describe how he looked. He seemed as though he couldn’t believe he’d done it. I guess that makes two of us. Lawson seemed devastated and that’s what I need to think about each and every time I go to replay that kiss in my head.
The lecture is over and I feel like I have only just entered the room. I have no idea what the discussion was about. I need to focus. I need to remember why I am here. I can’t afford to fuck up now. Well I can’t afford to fuck up any more than I already have.
‘Av, are you okay?’
I turn to the voice beside me and Hannah is looking back with a deep frown on her face. She pushes her glasses back up her nose and the crosses her arms.
‘Yeah of course,’ I reply and put a small smile on my face. It’s all I can muster.
Hannah’s frown deepens. ‘Avery I know we haven’t really known each other that long but I can tell when you’re lying,’ she says standing her ground.
I want to ask her how she knows I am lying but don’t bother. Hannah unfolds her arms and pulls me along with her as she walks.
‘Come on,’ is all she says.
‘Where are we going?’ I ask confused. I don’t need to be any more confused than I already am.
‘We’re going to Chasers,’ Hannah answers me as she keeps up her stride.
‘Chasers,’ I repeat as if I have heard her incorrectly.
‘Yep. You need a drink.’
Chasers is the student union bar. I’ve never stepped foot in there in the fear I will be the oldest one there. It’s silly I know but I have no desire to break a habit of a lifetime now.
‘I’m not drinking at one in the afternoon,’ I state disgusted as if I have never done it before.
‘Fine,’ Hannah relents way too easily. ‘We’ll get a coffee instead,’ she adds as she continues to pull me along.
‘It’s okay Hannah I know the way,’ I reply a little sarcastically.
Hannah narrows her eyes at me but does let me go. We wait in the crazy long queue without saying a word. I can see why Hannah preferred to go to Chasers now. There isn’t an ‘I told you so’ look on her face though. She looks deep in thought. I wonder whether she needs this chat more than I do. Perhaps there is something going on with her. I hope so. I don’t want to have to lie to Hannah but I also know I can’t admit the truth.
I glance around the coffee shop. I’ve been here a few times. It’s your average coffee shop. It reminds me of one of the big chains. It’s entirely unremarkable. It would have been nice if there had been something quirky. I know I am analysing this too much but I am trying to distract myself.
I order a double espresso. It’s not normally my coffee of choice but I’m exhausted and I want to at least try and do a little bit of studying before I go to work. Hannah orders a cappuccino and we take our beverages to the closest table.
We settle into our seats and I blow into my coffee. It’s going to take a while to cool. I feel nervous but I don’t know why. I do know why. My shameless secret is bubbling dangerously to the surface. I can’t let it slip. No one would understand. I’m not sure if I even do.
‘So what’s up?’ Hannah asks me after an uncomfortable silence; at least it felt uncomfortable on my part.
‘Nothing,’ I reply quickly with my voice coming out a little high.
Not even I would believe what I’ve said and I have the tendency to be slightly naive. Am I being naive now? I shake my head. I need to focus and my sole goal is to ensure I don’t say anything I will regret to Hannah.
‘Av, I know I’m not the most assertive or even particularly loud but I do have other ways of finding out the truth.’
Hannah stares me down and I wonder briefly whether this is her tactic. Luckily for me I have my own.
‘I think you’re assertive when you want to be,’ I say letting my plan fall into place.
I know trying to deflect the spotlight off me is a little transparent but I am hoping it will work; at least until I finish my coffee anyway and then I can make my escape.
‘Very occasionally and only with people I feel comfortable with. I know we haven’t really known each other that long but I would like to think we are friends and not the type of friends you just make small talk with and get on with because we’re both in the same place for three years. I’d like to think we can tell each other things and be there for one another when there is blatantly something wrong with the other.’
Hannah says her words slow and carefully. She articulates herself well. I know she lacks the confidence to be a public speaker but she sure could be the person who writes the damn speeches. I’m feeling guilty I’m hiding something from Hannah now. Perhaps I can be vague and that will pacify her.
‘What’s up with you?’ I ask in my last futile attempt to change the subject. I take a sip of my coffee but it is still too hot. Damn!
‘Apart from Luke friend zoning me nothing; I’m great,’ she replies a little too deadpan.
I frown. ‘Are you sure? Because he really seemed into you the other night,’ I reply trying to recall.
They were both playing it cool but there was a definite spark between them which was most certainly not one sided. I can’t believe Hannah doesn’t see it.
Hannah shakes her head. ‘Sometimes I feel like he might feel something but generally he’s just being nice to me. He would have made a move by now,’ Hannah states pragmatically as she takes a sip of her coffee.
‘Maybe he fears rejection,’ I say.
I know I’m not wrong. He couldn’t have been faking the concern when Hannah got too drunk or the looks he was giving her when he thought no one else was looking. Maybe they need a little nudge.
‘Maybe... or maybe he sees me as a friend. Anyway that is my issue, now what’s yours? Spill!’ Hannah looks at me expectantly.
I kind of hoped the conversation was turning away from me. I guess that’s what Hannah wanted me to think.
I look at Hannah’s innocent looking face. I haven’t been innocent in a long time and now I have crossed over to a path of no return. I don’t mean I am predetermined to turn into this femme fatal who steals men aware from their wife’s on a weekly basis but I have crossed the line. I don’t think I can ever go back. It doesn’t feel great being this side of the line. I swallow some of my coffee as I ponder what I am going to say next.
I can’t tell her. Hannah wouldn’t understand. Maybe I need this. Maybe I need someone to reaffirm how shitty I am actually feeling.
‘I kissed a married man,’ I blurt out.
Hannah’s eyes widen. I’ve shocked her as I knew I would. ‘Okay... Let’s start from the beginning,’ she instructs me as she sits back in her chair.
Her face is carefully blank and I know I am going to tear down the friendship we had built. Hannah will be disgusted with me. I’m disgusted in me.
I k
eep the story brief. I keep it brief because it is. I was attracted to Lawson, we spoke, I told him how I felt and we ended up kissing. I guess you could sum it up that easily. I am such an idiot. Why wasn’t appreciating him from afar enough?
Hannah probes further but doesn’t give any commentary. I didn’t expect her to. I’ve shocked her. I know she didn’t expect me to say what I had when she wanted to know what was bothering me. I guess I’m testing our friendship to the limit.
‘Well as you know my experience in relationships is rather limited,’ Hannah states after I fall silent. She takes her glasses off as she wipes them in her jacket.
Hannah did confide in me when we went out a few weeks ago that she is a virgin. She isn’t necessarily holding out for Mr Forever but she is waiting until she feels it is right. She also revealed how her parents were pretty strict when she was growing up so it kind of explained her out of character behaviour when she’s drinking. I mean she doesn’t turn into a different person. Hannah seems to not know when enough is enough when it comes to alcohol. I think a lot of people test their limits when they are her age; especially when they’re at University.
‘I know what you did wasn’t exactly... right.’ Hannah struggles for words. ‘But it took both of you to get into that situation. He’s the one who is married and he made the choice to go there too,’ she adds.
‘I know but he might not have ever kissed me if I hadn’t stupidly said what I did when I was drunk,’ I persist.
I know we were both in the wrong but I’m the one who started us on this path and I don’t know how to direct us away from it.
‘How do you know he wouldn’t have initiated it eventually?’ Hannah asks.
‘He wouldn’t have,’ I state confidently.
It would ease my guilt somewhat to think otherwise but in the end does it really matter who initiated it when the end result is the same? It shouldn’t have happened.
‘Okay... It happened. What’s next?’ Hannah asks with the same innocent expression on her face?
‘Now I want the ground to swallow me whole. Now I want to never lay eyes on Lawson Ace ever again,’ I lie. We both know it is a lie.
‘Haven’t you considered that there must be something wrong in his marriage to have even started looking at you in that way?’ Hannah asks. She’s drumming her nails across the table as she thinks.
‘No... He’s mentioned before how much he loves his wife.’ I find myself defending him.
‘So much so he kissed you,’ Hannah shoots back at me. ‘There had to be cracks in his relationship. No one can ruin a perfectly happy marriage,’ she adds emphatically.
I think about Hannah’s words and even though as she said she doesn’t have much experience with relationships, it does seem as though she is talking some sense. I guess I couldn’t wreck a perfect marriage. It’s kind of egotistical of me to even think so.
‘I guess,’ I eventually reply. ‘I have no idea what to do now.’
Hannah thinks about her response for a minute. ‘What if he’s not meant to spend the rest of his life with his wife? What if you’re meant to be together,’ Hannah suggests.
I’m kind of mortified by her words.
‘This isn’t some kind of fairytale with a happy ever after... It’s dirty and... and he’s married.’ I despair.
I know Hannah is trying to make me feel better but I think I would kind of rather someone shout at me and tell me how stupid I have been rather than sympathise and imply we could be fated. How I wish that could be the case. There is no happy ever after for us. There can’t be. We’ve started out too ugly.
‘What if he is miserable and you’re the one who can make him happy?’ Hannah asks naively.
I appreciate she is trying to help and in all honesty speaking about it has helped me see things more clearly. I’m not seeing them the same way as Hannah but she’s too young. I don’t mean to sound condescending but she doesn’t have any of the life experience. I’m not judging her. I am in no position to judge. Hannah is basing all her thoughts on romance novels and films and tv shows. She lives in the idealistic world. I wish I was there sometimes. I hope Hannah gets to stay there for as long as possible because it sucks in the real world.
We chat for a little bit longer before we part ways. Hannah gives me a hug and tells me to call her whenever I need her. She’s a good friend and I will take her up on her offer if I need to.
I decide to skip the gym mainly because I hadn’t expected the diversion to the coffee shop and I still want to get some university work done before I go into work. I’m hoping I am going to be able to focus somewhat better than I did earlier in the lecture.
I’m about to turn the ignition on in my car when my phone rings. My heart races. It’s irrational but it doesn’t change anything. I wonder whether it could be him even though I know he doesn’t have my phone number. I listen to the tune wondering whether I should look or not and then finally get a grip. Disappointment hits me when I see Hasina’s name flashing up at me.
‘Hey Hasina,’ I greet her with as much enthusiasm as I can.
‘Hey Av. I’m in the area and thought I’d call in to see you,’ Hasina tells me.
One thing about Hasina is that she doesn’t beat about the bush. She always comes out and directly says what she means.
‘Oh... I’m not at home. I’m still at Uni,’ I reply.
I hadn’t been expecting a visit. Hasina is always so busy. If she comes over I won’t get any work done. If I’m honest it’s not the only reason why I don’t want to see her. I know Hasina will take one look at me and realise something is up. I can’t tell her.
‘Yeah I figured as much. I’m less than five minutes away from you,’ she replies. ‘I’ll meet you in that little coffee shop on campus in about ten okay?’
I panic. I don’t want to see Hasina yet or Chloe for that matter. I need to work on my poker face first.
‘Okay see you then,’ I find myself saying.
We both hang up and I could kick myself. This is going to be a disaster. I make my way back over to the coffee shop I have just vacated and order another espresso. I need the caffeine. I need something stronger than caffeine but I am going to have to accept my lot.
As I sit down with my drink I remember my last conversation with Chloe. Hasina had wanted to come with her to give me an ear bashing over Darius. The impromptu visit is now making sense. Hasina is going to tell me how stupid I’ve been dumping him. I guess we can agree on the stupid part and the look of remorse will be genuine. I don’t need to reveal the latest reason why I am feeling contrite.
Hasina sticks out like a sore thumb as soon as she enters. It’s not her fault. She’d fit in well in any other environment other than the one she has chosen to come into. She’s kitted out in her usual suit which is black with a white dress shirt underneath. She’s wearing stilettos which are so high I have no idea how she makes it through the day with them. Her hair is twisted up out of her face and she’s wearing minimal makeup. This is Hasina’s work look. She only looks out of place because we’re in the University coffee shop. Everyone is sitting around in jeans and chinos. She gets a few glances as she makes her way to the counter but she doesn’t seem bothered at all. Hasina looks good. She has the whole corporate, sexy look down.
‘I am so glad to sit down, I have been on my feet all day,’ Hasina states dramatically as she sits down beside me.
‘I don’t know how you stand at all in those shoes,’ I reply.
‘Practice,’ she replies simply. ‘So Chloe said she’s been to see you,’ Hasina adds as she stirs her coffee. She looks at me knowingly. I instantly feel stupid.
‘Yeah,’ I reply quietly. ‘I know what you’re going to say but I know it’s for the best that we broke up,’ I say.
I don’t want the lecture. Hasina can be quite frightening when she is inflicting her views. It’s what makes her so good at her job.
‘Okay,’ Hasina replies simply again.
‘Okay,’ I repeat
as I had envisaged a far longer enquiry than this.
‘Yeah you weren’t exactly full of praise about your relationship the last time we spoke,’ Hasina adds as she takes a sip of her coffee.
I relax a little. Maybe this will be easier than I thought.
‘I didn’t see a future with him,’ I confirm.
I sit back in my chair and blow into my mug; time to switch topic. It should be easy enough.
‘So who is he?’ Hasina asks innocently as she gazes intently at me.
The colour drains from my face as my words get lost in my mouth. Did she really ask me that?
‘Sorry?’
‘Don’t play coy,’ Hasina tells me as she puts her coffee cup down. ‘I know you. You’ve been hiding out and there’s only one reason why you would do that. I know it’s not because you broke up with Darius,’ she states perceptively.
‘I...’
‘Think carefully now before you decide to tell me a lie. I know you Av and I can tell there is something eating you up. I bet whatever it is prompted your break up with Darius,’ Hasina adds.
I have to think fast. I can’t tell her the truth but she’s right she does know me; this is the very reason why I didn’t want to see her yet. I need to come up with a convincing lie.
‘I kissed a married man,’ I whisper loud enough for Hasina to hear.
Hasina’s eyes widen so I know she has heard me. I don’t know why I blurted the truth. I know what is going to come but I’ve done it anyway. I feel a little lighter and I wonder briefly whether if I keep telling people I will feel better about the situation. I think not. It doesn’t matter how many people I reveal the truth to I’m still going to feel dirty.
‘Wow!’
Hasina is speechless. I think she suspected someone else had caught my eye but I don’t think she was prepared for what I have revealed.
I tell Hasina the story. Now I have spilled my secret I might as well give her all of the facts. Hasina listens in silence. I expect her to interrupt me at parts but she remains resolutely silent. I’ve stunned her.
‘Say something,’ I implore when the silence gets too much. She’s not even giving much away from her face.