by Emma Evans
‘I really don’t know what to say... I thought I knew you...’ she trails off as she tries to gather the correct words.
‘You do know me,’ I reply as disapprovement reaches her face.
‘The Avery Potter I know would never have done that,’ she states emphatically.
‘I know,’ I reply and hold my head in one of my hands. ‘I knew it was wrong. It seemed innocent when it was a crush in my head but then the words came crashing out... and I never expected him to reciprocate.’
‘You let a man know you had feelings for him. Of course he was going to reciprocate,’ Hasina adds bitterly.
‘Not necessarily,’ I reply and wonder where Hasina’s pessimistic view has come from.
Is she implying all men would readily cheat if they were given the opportunity? It’s an odd view to have when you’re a newlywed.
‘Well he did,’ she replies a little sarcastically which does effectively prove her point. ‘You need to stay away from him,’ she adds.
‘I know,’ I reply.
I hadn’t wanted understanding when I told the truth to Hannah. I kind of want it now.
‘If he comes into the bar then you are to ignore him... actually better yet you should tell him you don’t think it’s appropriate that he drinks there anymore. If there is an ounce of decency in him then he will respect your wishes and stay away,’ she states.
I don’t need to imagine the poor opinion Hasina has of Lawson. The contempt is written all over her face. I briefly feel the need to defend him but I know it will be futile. I don’t want to push Hasina either.
The conversation becomes awkward and stilted after. I’ve shocked Hasina and she needs time to process. I think I still need time to process too. By the time we finish our coffee Hasina tells me she will call me. I don’t doubt she will. I think she will be checking whether I am on the straight and narrow or not.
I give up on the idea of doing any University work and head to the bar an hour or so later. As I got ready I found myself taking extra care with my makeup and hair and had to stop myself. It doesn’t matter how I look. I have no idea what I am going to say to him tonight but Hasina is right; it needs to end now before it really begins.
Images from last night threaten to assault me but I leave them be. I can’t be thinking that way. I have had two very contradictory opinions today but I know only one of them is right. There is no half measure or room for negotiation. I have to tell him it was a mistake.
I enter the bar with trepidation. I don’t need to look around to know he is not here yet but I do so anyway. He is normally here by now but that doesn’t mean he won’t come in. I notice Ted at the bar and really hope he is just starting his shift and not about to finish.
‘Are you okay? You look ill,’ Ted tells me as he reaches me. His face is full of concern. I don’t deserve any concern.
‘Yeah I’m fine,’ I reassure him with a small smile.
Ted nods his head and doesn’t question me any further. He doesn’t really have the time as the bar is pretty stacked out. The bar remains busy but I am highly aware that Lawson still hasn’t come in. Maybe that’s for the best. I kind of wanted him to come in today. I wanted to get this all out in the open. I ignore the part of me which is feeling disappointed for an entirely different reason.
I don’t notice Hannah, Nadine and a few others come in until they are at the bar. It’s quietened down somewhat and they’re not being particularly quiet so I must have zoned out. Nadine makes a bee line straight for Ted. I think even if he had a queue of customers she still would have waited for him.
‘I thought you could use a little moral support,’ Hannah tells me as the girls chat away to Ted.
‘Thanks... he’s not here though,’ I reply trying to keep my voice neutral.
It was a nice thought Hannah coming here but if Lawson had been here then I’d have felt like I had an audience which would have made me more nervous. I appreciate Hannah’s sweet thought though. I ask Hannah what she would like to drink and she orders a double rum and coke.
I hand Hannah her drink and we chat briefly as she waits for the girls to unattach themselves from Ted. It doesn’t look as though it is going to be happening any time soon. Ted doesn’t appear to be enjoying the attention and I wonder whether I should save him. I think better of it. Nadine doesn’t need another reason to dislike me.
After another minute or two Ted finds some reason to excuse himself. I don’t quite here what he says to them.
‘I’m here if you need me,’ Hannah tells me before her eyes flit over to Ted. She smiles innocently at him and then looks back to me.
‘Thanks Hannah,’ I reply and watch as they all take up some seats as close as they can get to us or to Ted I should say.
‘I think you have a fan club,’ I tell him in jest.
Ted doesn’t appear to be laughing. ‘I don’t know how many different ways I can tell Nadine that it’s not happening,’ he states clearly frustrated.
I’d thought that something had happened between them but perhaps not. I think she needs to get a grip and move on.
‘Maybe you need to be blunt,’ I suggest. I don’t mean it to be bitchy but if she’s not taking the hint any other way then maybe he does need to be a bit more direct.
‘I was hoping it wouldn’t have to come to that,’ he replies as he gazes over to the group of girls. Ted narrows his eyes. ‘Is that your friend Hannah with them?’ he asks with disbelief in his voice.
Ted has only met Hannah once and that was one day a couple of months ago after we had finished our lectures. She looked a little different then. Hannah was day Hannah dressed in casual clothes which hid all her curves, with glasses and zero makeup. Ted is getting to see the evening Hannah for the first time. His eyes look like they are going to pop out of his head.
‘Yeah,’ I reply.
Ted shakes his head as if he can’t quite believe it. The transformation isn’t really that dramatic but she goes from looking like the pretty girl next door to just wow! Hannah is wearing a cream dress which is short in length and clings to her body. Her hair is poker straight and she is wearing a lot of makeup. She looks hot. Hannah still has that innocent look about her but with a smoking hot body to go along with it; she kind of looks like a walking contradiction.
‘She’s going to be eaten alive,’ he states.
Before I get to question Ted any further my world stops. Lawson walks in.
Chapter 10
My mouth has gone dry. He’s here. He is actually here. It’s a lot later than he would usually come in and he is on his own. I don’t know what to think. He’s looking right at me but I can’t fathom what he is thinking. He’s come in to tell me it was a mistake. Perhaps he is going to say he never wants to see me again and this will be the last glimpse I have of him. I drink him in. I push the guilt away because there’s a very big likelihood that this is the last I am going to see of him. He’s still dressed in his suit. I wonder briefly whether he has come straight from work but it’s pretty late to be finishing work.
My heart is racing. I need to calm down. I don’t think I can. He’s here and he’s looking at me in a way... I don’t know what way he is looking at me. Lawson is not giving anything away. He proceeds in my direction. I swallow. This is it. What the hell am I going to say? I know what I have to say but why am I suddenly finding it difficult?
I briefly scan the room. It’s not as busy as it had been earlier in the night. Ted is serving someone but there is no one else left to serve. Hannah is fully absorbed with her group of friends. I don’t want her to notice. I really don’t think she would march over and say something to Lawson but I want all of this to go unnoticed. The only way I can be certain this occurs is if we are outside.
I tell Ted I’m going to take a quick break. He doesn’t seem to mind. I know he has not seen Lawson yet. Is he invisible to everyone but me? Perhaps I am hallucinating him now. I so hope he is not a hallucination.
I keep my gaze to the exit and
I don’t make any contact with Lawson. If he wants to talk to me then he will follow me out. I’m pretty confident he is behind me. Once I am outside I start towards the car park. I really want to make sure we are not going to be overheard.
I decide to head to my car. It would be weird if I stopped in front of a random car and I can’t be sure they won’t come back before we have finished our conversation. I might be taking this too far but I need the secrecy. I can’t have this shameful secret coming out.
I unlock the door and get behind the wheel. I sit and I wait. He doesn’t keep me waiting long. Lawson doesn’t knock. He silently gets into the passenger side of my car. He looks straight ahead. I do the same. I need to get this over with and I know we can’t be together but the rejection is still going to hurt all the same.
‘Avery...’ He says my name gruffly but lacking emotion. I won’t turn to look at him. I can’t. ‘I appreciate the length you went to to secure our privacy,’ he tells me.
I can feel his gaze on me now and it is so tempting to look. I really want to look. The urge to look into his eyes is almost unbearable but then I remember the look of disgust on his face after our kiss and that’s most certainly a look I don’t want to bear witness to again. I keep my focus on the ford focus right in front of me.
‘Don’t want to risk anyone overhearing this,’ I reply simply.
I couldn’t stand for anyone else to witness my shame. It’s bad enough that Hannah and Hasina know. I know that if Hasina knows then it won’t be long until Chloe knows. I couldn’t tolerate a perfect stranger listening to this. I need to make sure this is a quick as possible. There’s no point in saying quick and painless because it is not going to be painless. I deserve the pain. I know this. I have brought everything that has happened and what will happen on myself. I know this but I still want to preserve some of my self-respect if I am able to.
‘No... we don’t,’ he agrees.
The finality in his voice isn’t surprising. What is surprising is that he hasn’t gotten to his point yet. There really is no point in dragging this out Lawson. We both know where this is going. There’s a part of me which thinks I should jump in there first and tell how wrong last night was and we shouldn’t see each other again but the part which is winning is staying silent because she still wants to hear what he is going to say even though she already knows. I’m losing it. I’ve started talking about myself now in the third person.
‘Avery last night should not have happened,’ he voices the words I expected him to utter. It doesn’t hurt any less knowing they were coming. The regret in Lawson’s voice is evident.
‘I know,’ I reply in a weak voice. I want to be strong but my voice really isn’t obeying.
‘I don’t blame you in any way Avery. This is entirely my fault.’
I hadn’t expected his next words and it’s almost enough to get me to look at him; almost.
‘Isn’t the expression, “It takes two to tango”’ I state more than ask.
‘I’m married... I should have known better,’ he replies sullenly.
‘I messed with your head. It wasn’t intentional but it happened all the same. If I hadn’t said anything then maybe last night wouldn’t have happened,’ I tell him slowly and carefully.
I am no way blameless. Maybe Lawson thinks relieving me of my guilt is the easiest way to let me down gently. It doesn’t matter what he says the guilt is going to be there all the same.
‘Avery look at me?’ he asks me. His voice is commanding but I have no intention of complying.
‘It’s easier this way,’ I reply honestly.
‘Not for me it’s not,’ he shoots back.
Again they are not the words I thought he would utter but maybe he wants me to face him to make sure I get the point that last night is never going to happen again. I remain silent because I might end up looking at him and I know it will be the end of me. It’s melodramatic I know but it’s the best I can describe how I am feeling.
‘Avery look at me?’ he repeats the question as if he thinks the outcome is going to be any different. It won’t. I am going to stay strong.
I study the car in front of me intently; as intently as I can considering I can’t see very well in the dark anyway.
Lawson sighs. I can’t tell whether I am pissing him off or anything; he just sighs. I hope he takes the hint and hurries this along. I know as soon as this is all over and Lawson is long gone I will be wishing I’d dragged this out. I’d be wishing that I stared for him for as long as I was able to but right now I feel like I am making the right decision; the smart decision.
‘Okay...’ he says and trails off. Lawson is always so confident and I have him at a loss for words. ‘Avery I wanted you from the moment I met you,’ he startles me by saying. ‘I’ve never been attracted to any woman other than my wife since we’ve been married... I kept my distance from you. I ignored you... then something changed. I don’t know what but I couldn’t stay away. I told myself it was harmless and we were only chatting but I knew it ran deeper. I knew I was going down the wrong path but I kept on going. You voiced how I felt. I told myself that the admission was a step too far and I had to keep my distance but I couldn’t. I knew I was making the wrong decisions but I kept making them anyway. You’re occupying far too much of my brain Avery. You’re all I can think about.’
Lawson’s admission floors me. I’m stunned. I’m so stunned I find myself turning to face him. Those calming sea blue eyes are now stormy. They are staring me with an intensity which makes me want to run away. He wants me. It’s there clear as day. What the fuck do I say now?
‘What...’ I lose my trail of thought. What exactly was I going to ask him? I have no fucking idea.
‘It doesn’t change anything Avery... I love my wife. We need to stay clear from one another. After tonight I won’t come here again,’ he adds with regret in his voice.
What is the regret for? We both know he is making the right decision. I hadn’t expected his admission. I don’t know how I really feel about his admission. On the one hand I’m glad I get the affirmation that this wasn’t all one sided and I didn’t lead him down this path but went along it together but on the other hand I don’t think it makes me feel any better. I know how he feels and it doesn’t change anything. It’s going to make this all the more difficult.
I will respect his wishes. How could I not? It was wrong in every sense of the word. I too deluded myself into believing it was all innocent up until the kiss but it wasn’t. I knew I wanted him. I knew I was getting attached to him and on some level I didn’t care he was taken. It’s shameful and I will never want to admit to it but it’s the truth. I turned off the sensible part of myself and deliberately ignored the fact that he was married. I lived in a fantasy land which had begun since I started to admire him from afar. Lawson is right. It’s time for the fantasy to end and let real life take over. Lawson Ace is not mine and he never will be. I shouldn’t have to keep repeating these words over in my head but I know I will.
‘It’s abundantly clear that it’s not working with me coming in here. Looking at you from afar isn’t enough anymore,’ he adds when the silence grows between us.
I know I should say something. I agree with everything he is saying and I should say so to be clear there is no misunderstanding but I find myself wanting to drink him in one last time; my last selfish indulgence.
His mouth is set in a grim line. I want to see him smile but it’s not the time for that. He’s sitting forward in the passenger seat as if he is one edge and looks almost like he could flee at any second. Lawson’s hair looks like it is in disarray from pushing his hands through the strands. It normally looks perfect. He normally looks so perfect but this is what has become of him since I started to interfere. He still looks hot. The bags under his eyes cannot take this away from him but he is also a man on the edge and I’m not about to push him over.
I should look away like my original plan but now I know with certainty it will be the last
time I will see him I want to commit him to memory.
‘You’re right,’ I agree when I can finally find my voice.
My throat is still dry but I have to get the words out. I wanted to hurry this along and now I find I am the one dragging this out. It’s making it more difficult for both of us.
‘We need to be out of each other’s lives,’ I tell him a lot more confidently than I am feeling. ‘I’ve never done anything like this before. I know it sounds like a line but it’s not. I’m not that person and I hated who I was becoming,’ I add.
I need him to know this isn’t a regular occurrence for me. I don’t know, maybe letting him think I am some heartless slut who does this all of the time might be easier for him but I still care about what he thinks of me even though we won’t be part of one another’s lives anymore.
‘I haven’t either,’ he replies hoarsely. He didn’t need to vocalise the words for me to know that. The look of guilt he is carrying is soul destroying.
The time for words is done. We gaze at each other. I watch as the emotion switches off from his face and he turns back into that stranger I knew from not long ago. It’s better this way. I try to wipe the emotion from my face but I don’t know if I have succeeded.
‘Have a good life Avery,’ he tells me and then he’s gone from my car before I can utter another word.
I don’t know what I would have said. I watch him as he walks through the car park. Part of me wants him to turn around and look but I don’t know why. Nothing is going to change. This is how I thought it was going down. I am happy this is how it has gone down. We stopped before we crossed the line. I know we crossed a line when we kissed but anything further would have sealed our fate. I’m not that person. I’ve never been that person and I never will be.
Lawson was my test and although I can honestly say there was a real possibility I could have failed, I like to believe I would have come to my senses before it went any further. I shake my head. I guess there is no point in pondering all of the possibilities now.