by Emma Evans
Today feels different. Today is going to be different. I’m not going to mope about any more and I’m not going to beat myself up about my actions. What I did was appalling. I went after something that wasn’t mine. The only part that gets me through is that no one knows my shame. Lawson’s wife will never need to know about the betrayal. Her life will continue as it had. I do feel marginally better about that.
Lawson could end up telling his wife out of guilt. He could really do it. My buzzer might ring one day and I’ll answer and it’ll be her. I would let her up of course. The woman would deserve to have her say and tell me exactly what she thinks of me.
Today is going to be a new day. I’m going to pretend like nothing ever happened. I don’t know whether this will work but I had managed to ignore Lawson’s presence before; at least I don’t have to try and do that now. He said he would stay away so I have no fear he will be there during one of my shifts.
He got what he wanted from me. I’m no innocent. I’m far from innocent but I still feel used. He had his night of fun with me and then he went back to his wife. I try to push the look on his face after we had made love from my mind. I need to push it from my mind as it betrays his actions. Maybe I let myself believe there was something more when this had been his intention the whole time.
I’m not trying to say Lawson wasn’t attracted to me; that was abundantly clear. We had a connection and he tested how strong that connection was. It turns out his connection with his wife is stronger. It’s a pity he hadn’t figured that out before we did the deed.
I’m going to be different today. I have a shower and get myself ready. There’s not going to be any more moping around and I’m not going to think about the what ifs.
I go to my lectures and I am careful I don’t bump into any one. I don’t want to see anyone before I have to. It will be completely unavoidable once I get into work but I want to prolong it for as long as possible.
I feel pleased by the end of the day that I have managed to get on with things. I’m still avoiding my phone but I am making small steps; tonight is going to be the challenge.
I head into work and I keep telling myself that it’s just like a normal day; nothing is any different. I know it’s not true; I am different and I am desperately trying to cover up that fact. I can put on a front. I can pretend to be okay and no one will be any the wiser.
I’m greeted by Ted. I wasn’t sure if he was working tonight or not but I’m glad he’s here. I wanted to stay away from my friends in case they could see my shame but I feel immensely better as soon as I set my sights on him. I shouldn’t feel better. I feel the need to keep torturing myself about it.
‘Hey. How are you feeling?’ Ted asks with concern. He’s finished serving one customer and is moving onto the next.
‘A lot better today thanks,’ I reply cordially.
Everyone seemed to assume I had some kind of bug and I didn’t correct anyone on it. It seemed easier that way. I hadn’t really been lying; I just didn’t correct them.
‘Good. It’s not been the same without you,’ he tells me with a warm smile.
I feel instantly better. I know Ted wouldn’t look at me in that way if he knew the truth and it’s enough to make my smile slip. I am a heartless bitch that deserves everything that is coming to me. I don’t deserve to be happy.
I serve the remaining customer at the bar. My warm glow disintegrated as soon as it came back. It needs to stay away.
‘Just a quick heads up... Darius came in and he’s sat at one of the tables waiting for you to come in,’ Ted startles me by saying. I really hadn’t been expecting those words.
I follow Ted’s gaze and true to his words Darius is sat nursing a pint in the corner of the room. How hadn’t I noticed? I glance around the room to make sure there isn’t anyone else in here I have missed. He’s not here and I hadn’t expected him to be either.
I wonder why Darius has come in and why he has chosen now to want to speak to me. His timing couldn’t be any worse really. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I know Chloe thought I should have a proper chat with him but I kept changing my mind. It feels a little late now.
Darius looks tired and stressed out. He looks nothing like the last time I had seen him. I really hope I am not the cause of his distress. I don’t think I can take on any more guilt. Darius could have met someone since we broke up and that relationship is going wrong. I don’t know why that thought should make me feel any better. I don’t like the thought of Darius in any pain. I didn’t love him the way I should. I guess it doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends.
Maybe I can make something right in my life. I feel a bit better and as though I can right a wrong. I watch as Darius makes his way over to me. He was waiting until the queue had disintegrated.
‘Avery,’ Darius greets me with a warm smile. The smile doesn’t seem quite right though. Darius seems sad.
‘Hey Darius. How are you?’ I ask without thinking. He doesn’t look good. Is this a stupid question?
‘I’ve been better,’ he replies after a while.
Darius flicks his hair out of his eyes. The image is so familiar and I start to feel a little sick. I really hope I haven’t put that look on his face.
‘How are you?’ he asks after he has taken a sip of his pint.
‘Fine,’ I reply quickly. The conversation feels stilted and awkward.
‘You don’t look fine Avery,’ he tells me as he studies me carefully. I guess I do look a wreck.
‘I’m great,’ I reply with a bit more conviction in my voice. ‘I had actually been meaning to text you...’ I say and then trail off.
I don’t know whether admitting this is a good idea or not but Darius’s face lights up. Seeing him smile does make me feel a bit better.
‘Really?’ he asks clearly pleased with what I have said.
‘Yeah...’
‘That’s great.’ Darius cuts me off. ‘I’ve had time to think... I’ve had a long time to think and I know I can make you happy. The whole thing with swapping keys freaked you out. I was moving too fast. I can see that now. I think we could make another go of it if you give us a chance,’ Darius tells me with so much hope on his face.
I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I’d been hoping I could be his friend but it’s clearly not going to work; not yet anyway. Chloe was right. I should have spoken to Darius properly weeks ago. He’s been going over and over our relationship in his head and he’s not been able to move on.
I thought we had been on the same wavelength. Darius had been kind of indifferent during the last few months in our relationship. He seemed to take the break up well. He text me a few times but he never gave anything away. I thought he was fine with this.
I let more guilt wash over me. I hurt Darius and I honestly didn’t mean to. I reach out and cover my hand over his. I pull it back when I realise that this gesture could be construed in a different way.
I notice Ted out of the corner of my eye curiously watching us. Darius does not need an audience for this. Thankfully Stacey comes over from the restaurant with a round of drinks for Ted to make.
I think about my relationship with Darius. It had been so easy. There was none of the secrecy and heartache I let myself in for with Lawson. I love Darius. I still love Darius but I can’t be for him who he wants me to be. He deserves someone to love him unconditionally.
‘I’m sorry Darius. The whole thing with swapping our keys only made me see that we didn’t have a future.’
My words could have been prettier and I want them to be easy on Darius but I don’t know how to achieve it.
‘But...’
‘Darius I’m sorry, I really am. I’d like us to be friends at some point and I understand if you can’t do that right now but that’s all we’re going to be. I love you Darius but not like that; not anymore.’
Darius looks resigned. I should have done this weeks ago. Why couldn’t I see he wasn’t over us?
Darius smiles a
t me. It’s not genuine but it’s the best he can muster.
‘Give me a call Avery; anytime,’ he says.
I get the impression he was going to say something else but changed his mind. Someone comes up to the bar and Darius shakes his head slightly at me before he leaves.
I watch Darius leave. I wonder why he’s chosen to do this now and why he has done it so publicly. I shake my head. I can’t think properly. I serve the customer and then I remember I haven’t checked my phone in days. Perhaps Darius had been trying to get a hold of me and decided to come down here when he didn’t receive a reply. I should have checked my phone. I could have saved him from this embarrassment.
I look around and the only person who had a chance of hearing is Ted. He was making drinks but if he tried hard enough he would have heard. I want Darius to be okay. I have the urge to go outside after him but I don’t know what I would say. I would like to have him in my life.
For a split second I had thought about saying yes. It was only for a fleeting second but I could see how easy our life would be together; uncomplicated. I made the right decision. Darius deserves better than that.
‘That was painful,’ Ted tells me after he has made the drinks order.
‘So you did hear,’ I state more than ask.
‘Yep. Poor guy,’ he adds.
‘I know. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to lead him on. I thought we were both in the same place,’ I say frustrated. I lean back into the bar and balance on my heels.
‘You’re a hard person to get over Avery,’ Ted states.
The comment throws me and I assume Ted is joking even though he sounds serious. I look at Ted and he seems serious. I go to ask him what he means by that but then I think better of it. Do I really want to know the answer to my question? I want to get through my shift with no drama and I certainly don’t want to add to the pile of guilt I am already carrying. It seems impossible.
The shift goes by okay for the rest of the evening. I don’t receive any more visitors and no one seems to see through my facade. I’m pleased I have gotten through the day. I’ve reached my goal and I am going to do the exact same thing the day after and the day after that. My routine has been set. I’m refocusing all my energy into my studies and working again. It’s the only way to keep my life from descending into chaos. It’s very apparent I cannot trust my heart when it comes to men. They are firmly off the agenda for the foreseeable future.
Ted and I part ways in the car park. Stacey catches his attention before he can get into his car and he politely goes over to see what she wants. I study her. She has that hopeful look on her face. She’s going to ask him out and it’s going to end in disaster. I’m not being a pessimist; I’ve seen Ted do this before. He’s shown little interest in her for months. He’s been polite but that’s it. I can’t watch. It’s not fair and I know I wouldn’t want my rejection witnessed by others.
‘Avery.’
I hear the voice and I drop my keys again; annoyance is winning over anything else. What the fuck does he want now? I’m not in the mood for his games tonight.
‘You are becoming a stalker,’ I tell Lawson as I turn around.
I retrieve my keys and then stand up. I need to be eye level with him. Well I’m not exactly eye level with him but I am at a better advantage than I had been when I had been at the floor. I scowl at him. I need to stay strong.
Lawson is glaring right back at me. What the fuck is he angry for? I’m so sick of this shit.
‘If you’ll excuse me I’m trying to get home and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to cause a scene and draw attention to yourself.’
I’m proud that my voice has come out cold and strong. I’m not going to be weak around this man any longer. I’m not going to obsess about how hot he looks enraged and I certainly don’t care why he has come here this evening. I look around the car park to where Ted is still talking to Stacey to illustrate my point. Lawson follows my gaze.
‘Like you said, we’re over,’ I add as I go to unlock my car.
‘Evidently,’ he replies tightly like he is hanging on to his control by a thread. It only serves to piss me off even more. If I’m not careful I am going to cause a scene and I really do not want that.
‘What the fuck does that mean?’ I ask not very quietly.
I look over to Ted and Stacey again but they are still engrossed in each other. It doesn’t look as though the conversation is going in the direction Stacey had hoped if body language is anything to go by.
‘Look Ted is parked right next to me so he will be over any minute. Spit out whatever it is you want to say so I can then go home.’
I fold my arms across my chest. I hold my glare and Lawson is doing the exact same thing in return.
‘I saw you...’Lawson’s glare is intimidating but I’m not about to forget how he treated me. I’m way beyond angry with him. ‘So what was the plan? Lead me on? Mess with my head? To what... make your ex jealous?’
I open my mouth and then close it again. What the fuck is he talking about?
‘I saw you tonight with your ex. You looked really cosy,’ he all but spits the last part out.
I’m incredulous. I don’t think I could have heard him correctly. I’m beyond pissed and I really might end up doing something I regret.
‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ I ask in disbelief. I say it a little too loudly which attracts both Ted and Stacey’s attention. I’m too pissed off to even care. ‘Are you really trying to imply that I used you? You fucking broke me Lawson. I trusted you. I put my faith in you and you told me I was a mistake. Why are you even here?’
I know I shouldn’t have asked the question because it doesn’t really matter.
‘I can’t stay away from you Avery,’ he tells me as if he is pained.
Is he for real? ‘I seem to remember hearing that line not so long ago and I must admit that it worked like a charm; you managed to get into my pants but rest assured that is never happening again Lawson,’ I tell him firmly.
I can’t believe he has the audacity to use the same line on me and think I would succumb again. He really must have a low opinion of me. Of course he does. I’m just the slut who sleeps with married men. I have the strong urge to slap him across his face but I’m refraining to do so. Ted really will be over here any second.
‘I’m going to leave Marissa Avery,’ he tells me almost as if he is pleading with me. ‘I want to be with you.’
Well fuck. I thought my evening couldn’t get any more complicated. I have the words ready to go tell Lawson to go fuck himself but they become stuck. This could be another one of his lines. I can feel a chip in my armour and I know I should tell him to stay away but what if he is serious. What if he really does want to be with me? I open my mouth and let the words spill out.
Chapter 13
I will not look over. I really will not look over. It’s not going to do any good. It will inevitably lead to my downfall. I deserve my downfall. I know I asked for everything which will be thrown at me but it doesn’t make it any easier. I accept my fate. I accept whatever the consequences of my actions will be but it’s not going to stop the pounding of my heart which seems to be louder than this incessant, tireless place.
I keep my eyes firmly to the ground; the action is futile. I know I will not get through the next few seconds let alone hours this way. I hear people calling for my attention but I want to ignore them. I want to pretend none of this is happening but I can’t. This has happened. The day I had been hoping for and dreading has finally arrived. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to feel anything at all. I fear the outcome. I’m terrified of the ending. Most would judge my story. Most people would be disgusted and revolt at my actions. I am ashamed. I have turned into a person I do not recognise but I don’t know if I had my time again whether I would have done anything differently.
I cannot look over. My eyes want to betray me and I know they will soon. I have to pull myself together. I look up and I purposefully tur
n to the person standing before me. I put on a somewhat smile and go about my business. I know his order before he even tells me but I feel the need to be over attentive. I need to focus on this rather than where my attention really wants to go. I set about my task and once it’s complete I move onto the other. My heart still will not give me a reprieve. I’m dying inside and there’s not a single thing I can do other than to continue serving drinks and pretend like my world isn’t about to implode.
I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t pretend like nothing is going on. I often think about how I ended up here. I’ve made choices which aren’t me. I would have judged others for the actions I have taken. I don’t recognise myself but I’m not a bad person. I’m really not a bad person. I’ve made questionable choices but they’ve all been for him. Some would call me foolish; others would call me a slut.
My eyes wander almost involuntarily into the direction I really don’t want to look. He’s there, with her. The picture makes me feel nauseous which is insane. I feel like I am losing my mind. I’m lost; just like that. His sea blue eyes flaw me with one look. Why did he have to look at me? I cannot decipher anything from his look. He covers his emotions so well. I gulp and try and fail to continue whatever task I had started. I have no idea what I was doing. I still don’t know what I am doing but I love him. His attention is broken as he turns to his companion; his wife. I feel my heart breaking. I’ve caused my misery but I’ve also caused his and potentially hers. I don’t know how I can possibly win in this situation. He smiles. It’s ever so brief but he smiles at something she’s said.
I deserve my misery. I deserve all the pain in the world but it doesn’t change the fact I still want something that is not mine. He has me. I’m lost and I am making all the wrong decisions but I don’t care. He will be mine and I don’t care if that changes everything I believe to be right or wrong. She turns and I know this is it. Who will he choose or was there never really a choice? I realise I am about to find out but I’m not sure whether I want to hear the answers to my questions. That little voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me he is not mine but the voice disintegrates as soon as they both stand. This is it.