by Emma Evans
I sit in my car for a few more minutes while I try to gather myself together. I know this is for the best but I can’t stop trembling. I need to get a grip.
I head back into the bar. It’s not long before closing time but I’m not sure if I am going to make it to the end of the shift. I feel nauseous. I know this feeling will diminish but right now I feel as though I am in the thick of it. I need one evening; just one evening to wallow in it. I’ll forever put Lawson Ace out of my mind from tomorrow.
‘I thought you’d gone home for a second,’ Ted tells me in jest as I walk behind the bar.
‘Sorry,’ I reply with a weak smile. ‘I hadn’t realised how long I had been.’
I have no idea how much time has passed. It felt like we were only together for minutes but it could have been far longer.
Ted stops what he is doing as he studies me. ’Are you okay? You look like you’re going to be sick.’
Ted rushes over to me with so much concern. I don’t deserve his concern.
‘I don’t feel right,’ I admit. I don’t have to go into details about why I don’t feel right. I think I do need to go home.
‘Is everything okay?’ I hear Hannah asking from the other end of the bar.
‘Avery’s not well,’ Ted informs her. I guess it’s not technically a lie.
‘Is there anything I can do?’ Hannah asks innocently. She’s sounding a little intoxicated now. I appreciate her concern for me even though I know I don’t deserve it.
‘I’ll be fine. I think I just need to go home to bed,’ I tell them both.
‘I’d feel better driving you home but I can’t leave the bar,’ Ted says with obvious regret.
‘I can go in a taxi with her,’ Hannah offers.
‘I’ll be fine honest. I don’t have far to go,’ I try to reassure them. I need to get away from everyone.
Ted looks torn. I think he might be contemplating shutting the bar up early.
‘I’ll text you as soon as I get in,’ I say hoping this will sway him.
‘Make sure you do,’ he finally replies.
‘I’ll text you in the morning then Avery if you’re sure you’re okay,’ Hannah tells me.
‘I’m sure,’ I say as I try to smile. ‘Thank you,’ I add.
I don’t want to prolong my exit any further so I make haste as soon as I can. I don’t think about what Ted and Hannah could be thinking. They have no reason to believe I’m not ill. I push everything I can to the back of my mind as I concentrate on getting home.
I don’t want to think. The conversation had gone exactly the way I had envisaged. I know we have made the right decision but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I have lost something. It’s crazy I know because I never really had Lawson but it almost feels like I have lost out on my future. I push it from my brain. He was not mine to begin with. There was no future for us to have. I don’t know why I have to keep reminding myself of this fundamental fact.
I pull out my phone and text Ted letting him know I am okay before I get out of my car. When I get inside I want to hermit and leave the world where it is; at least until tomorrow anyway. Tomorrow I will get up and carry on with the day as though nothing is different. I’m not going to let my emotions get the best of me. It will be over. I’m going to wallow in it for this evening though.
As I get out of my car I hear another car door slam. Normally this wouldn’t be enough to get me to turn around and look but it seems a little odd for this time of evening.
Lawson is there. He’s standing right behind me. I open my mouth and then close it again. What the fuck?
‘I’ve turned into a stalker now,’ he tells me as he takes a step closer. There’s an edge to his voice which is different from the last time I spoke to him only an hour ago. ‘I followed you home,’ he adds.
‘Why...’ I trail off. Do I want the answer to my question?
‘I can’t stay away from you,’ he admits.
I’m lost. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to say. We made a deal. Okay so we didn’t really make a deal but we mutually come to a decision that we couldn’t see each other. He’s here now making it more difficult for both of us.
Our time for words has come and past. We need to move on. I can’t have my head messed with this way. There is nothing left to say. I don’t want to stay away from him either but it’s for the best.
Lawson is watching me so intently it steals my breath away. He’s waiting for my reaction. I can’t help but sense that this is a monumental decision I am about to make and is going to change everything for me. I know what I have to do. I have to turn him away and reiterate that we need to stay away from each other. I can be strong enough for both of us. I need to be strong enough for both of us.
This isn’t fair. I could handle it in the car park when we both agreed to stay away but now I feel as though I am being tested and I am petrified I am going to fail. Failure isn’t an option. I know what I have to do.
I clear my throat and then I take a deep breath. I can do this. I know I can.
‘Do you want to come up?’ I ask quietly.
Lawson audibly gasps. I have no idea whether it is the reaction he was expecting or not. Had he wanted me to turn him away? I can’t play these games any further.
My words have sealed my fate. They were there at the back of my mind teasing me. I hadn’t thought they would come out. I knew there was a chance but I thought my morals would take over. Why didn’t my morals take over?
I can’t take back the words now. I can’t turn around and say “only kidding!” I’m in this mess and I have to see where it goes now. It’s my turn to wait for Lawson’s reaction. It feels like an eternity. I want him to decline. I want him to see sense when I obviously couldn’t.
I want to take back the words. I want to refuse him and I don’t ever want to see him again. This is the logical me. I’m thinking the words but I do not mean them. I need his answer. He opens his mouth. I know with certainty what I want him to say and I know with certainty I am going to hell.
Chapter 11
I fumble with my keys. I’m nervous; too nervous. I know what is going to happen as soon as I open the door. I want it to happen. I really want it to happen but I know it shouldn’t. How can I have so contradictory feelings? I’m fooling myself that there’s still a choice. I could still make the right decision. Just because Lawson is coming into my flat it doesn’t mean something is going to happen. We could talk and logic and sense might come back to us and we will part ways for the second time this evening. I know I am trying to kid myself. I know once this door opens then there’s no going back. I’m starting to think there was no going back anyway. I guess I’m trying to ease my guilt.
I open the door. Lawson waits patiently for me to do so. I walk in and turn on the light. Lawson hovers outside for a fraction of a second before he makes his decision. It’s as if he is thinking the exact same I had. He knows where it is going to go from here. I guess he knew it the moment he decided to follow me. I knew it the second I saw him. I guess I’m a foregone conclusion when it comes to Lawson Ace. I hate it. I wish I could hate him.
Lawson closes the door behind himself which makes me jump. I’m on edge. I need to calm down. I walk into my living room. I try to act normal but this is not a normal situation. What do I say? Is there any need for words? Now that I have come around to the decision I was always going to make my need for him intensifies. I’m alone in my flat with Lawson Ace. Shit!
‘Would you like a cup of tea... or a glass of wine?’ I find myself asking.
The thought of wine is appealing. The thought of a lot of wine is appealing. It will calm my nerves down immensely. I go to walk towards the kitchen but find myself turning when I don’t receive an answer. Lawson shakes his head no. He hasn’t said a word since he told me he couldn’t stay away from me. When I asked him up here he shook his head to indicate he did want to come up.
I wonder whether he is struggling as much as I am. This
doesn’t sit well with me but I know it must be immeasurably worse for him. I don’t want to think of her. Maybe I should and it will put a stop to this but I don’t want to. I’m being selfish but I’m going along with this.
I don’t quite know what to do now. I could really do with a glass of wine to calm my nerves but Lawson’s decline has me faltering. I head into the kitchen. Maybe the distance will give me some clarity. I hope so. Do I really hope so? I’m driving myself crazy. I need to make my decision and commit to it.
I retrieve a glass from the cupboard and head to the fridge. I’m shaking. I need to calm down. I’m so hoping the wine is going to calm me down. I fill the glass and put the bottle back from where it came from. I turn after I close the fridge and he is right behind me. Lawson Ace is right behind me. The look on his face has me melting. My thoughts scatter. My trepidation and my guilt has rescinded before his lips connect to mine.
I want to say it was magical and describe it how it would be described in a romance novel but I can’t. I can’t formulate any proper thoughts. He renders me speechless. Lawson is not slow and careful as I had imagined for him to be. He’s urgent and passionate in a way I have never experienced before.
Lawson doesn’t seduce me. There’s no time for that. It almost feels like a race to the finish. His kisses are bruising and addictive. He pulls me closer to him as though he thinks I might escape. I’m not going anywhere. He rids me of my trousers. I make haste to return the favour to him.
It’s all happening so fast and I have no time to think. I watch him as he rolls a condom over himself and my mouth practically salivates. I want him. I want him so fucking bad. Lawson pushes into me seconds later. I wrap my legs around him and hold on tight to the kitchen counter.
Lawson pounds into me over and over like a man possessed. I want to touch him but the position I am in will not allow me to do so. He feels exquisite. He feels every bit as good as I had imagined him to be.
I want to call it love making but it’s not and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. He’s fucking me hard and I love it. I can feel myself hovering towards the edge. Lawson grips onto my thighs tighter and grounds into me deeper if it’s even possible. I can’t get enough of him. The urge to touch him is overwhelming but I grip tightly onto the counter. I’m going to shatter I can feel it. It’s right there and as Lawson pounds into me again I finally let go. It’s the most intense orgasm I have ever experienced. Lawson thrusts into me twice more before he finds his own release.
Lawson holds onto me tightly as he tries to regain his composure. I don’t think I can move. I do so anyway when Lawson finally lets me go. I feel kind of shy all of a sudden. What we experienced was so intense but I also feel like a slut who’s just fucked a married man. The shame is there and it’s not lurking in the shadows.
I wait for something; anything from Lawson but it doesn’t come. He’s still mute. Is he sated now he’s got to fuck me and now he can move on with his life? I have been so stupid. What if that’s all I am to him?
I pick up my trousers feeling resentful that he didn’t bother to get me entirely naked but I feel too exposed in front of him.
Lawson’s hand reaches out and stops me from attempting my task.
‘What are you doing?’ he asks clearly confused which in turn confuses me.
I look at him. It is obvious what I am trying to do.
‘I want you entirely naked. This will not do,’ he tells me.
Lawson pulls me towards him and his lips find themselves on mine before I can utter a word. His kiss is affectionate and reverent and in total contrast to how he was not long ago.
‘I can’t get enough of you Avery Potter,’ he whispers in my ear.
The words are all I need to hear and I wrap my arms around him and pull him closer to me. I am in serious shit and I really couldn’t care less. Lawson Ace is mine. We were made to fit and I don’t think I will ever get enough of him. It’s the last coherent thought I have before he picks me up and carries me into my bedroom.
I don’t feel a shred of guilt when I wake the next morning. I feel elated; happy. I don’t have to keep reminding myself how wrong this is; I know. Nothing is going to burst my bubble this morning.
I snuggle in closer to Lawson. He stayed the whole night. We had sex, we talked and we had more sex. I know after last night we have a connection and we were meant to be together. I’m trying to justify my behaviour and I’m going to go with it.
Lawson has left no doubt in my mind how he feels. I don’t know what the day will bring. I only know I am happy and I can’t remember the last time I felt close to feeling this way. There was something missing in my life. What if it was a someone and I have been waiting for Lawson all along?
I’m trying not to get ahead of myself. My feelings are running deeper than they should. I can’t help it. Lawson invokes emotions in me I had never thought were possible before.
I wrap my arm possessively around Lawson. I’m not moving from here all day. I want us to stay in our own little world; even if it is for a little while longer.
Lawson stirs. I can’t wait to see those mesmerizing blue eyes. I turn to face him. His eyes are still closed. I run my hand across the thin matting of hair across his chest. Lawson stiffens slightly. It’s not the reaction I was expecting and I remove my hand straight after.
I sit up and wait for Lawson to open his eyes. We are both well aware he is awake so there is no point in prolonging this any further. The happiness I was feeling but moments ago has evaporated. I might be reading this gesture a bit too much but I have a feeling I have not.
Lawson dazzles me with his blues. His face does not light up as I had envisaged but looks vacant. This look is worse than any of the others he has given me.
‘Is everything okay?’ I ask well aware it is a stupid question but needing the answer anyway. The silence was becoming unbearable.
‘Yeah,’ he replies gruffly.
He does not have me convinced at all. This is not the man I made love to and spoke to all night.
‘You don’t seem... yourself,’ I say hoping to pull him back from where he is.
I know it must be the guilt eating away at him but I don’t know what to say to make this right. I mean I know this can’t be made right. We’ve crossed the line and now we have to deal with the consequences. I stupidly thought we’d connected last night but maybe I was wrong.
‘I’m fine,’ he says as he sits up.
Lawson jumps up from the bed to retrieve his trousers. He pulls out his phone to check the time.
‘Fuck,’ he utters under his breath.
I guess we are not spending the day in bed then.
‘I’m late for work,’ he tells me as he gathers his belongings up from the floor. He’s still yet to look me in the eye.
‘Lawson...’ I trail off and wait for him to look at me.
‘Yeah,’ he replies as he keeps my back to me.
I wonder whether he is going to dress and make his exit without saying another word. I wouldn’t put it past him with his current behaviour.
I don’t really need his explanations. Lawson has made it abundantly clear how guilty he feels. I’m a mistake. After everything we went through last night he still sees me as a mistake. I’m his one night stand. Shame does engulf me now. I feel dirty. I hadn’t felt that way this morning but his reaction has changed that entirely.
‘Lawson look at me?’ I ask him a lot more calmly than I am feeling.
I pull the blanket over me to cover any flesh that might be on show. There’s going to be no dignity in this but I do at least want to be covered up when he breaks me.
Lawson turns and looks over at me once he is fully dressed. He wants to scarper; the look is clearly etched across his face.
‘Just say it,’ I urge him.
I need to hear the words. I deserve to hear the words. I don’t think I will quite believe it if he doesn’t.
Lawson’s shoulders sag and I have never seen him look so small before. H
e doesn’t want to utter the words. I can feel my temper starting to surface. He was man enough to sleep with me then he can be man enough to dump me.
‘This was a mistake,’ he finally utters the words. His voice is flat and void of any emotion. ‘My head was full of you and I gave in... I shouldn’t have given in. I love my wife. I shouldn’t have betrayed her. I should have driven home after I’d been to see you at the bar... I should have done a lot of things except for the one I did,’ he tells me slowly and concisely.
The guilty man who had wanted to scarper is long gone and he’s replaced him with a cold, indifferent man I have seen in Lawson before. He’s putting his barriers up and I am lost to him. There’s no point in trying. My pride wouldn’t allow me to try anyway.
‘This is over,’ he tells me before he turns and leaves.
That’s it. Lawson has walked out of my life but I have the feeling this time it is for good. I can’t believe I let myself think that we could have some kind of future. I’m his dirty little secret.
I lay back in bed. I’m not going to move from here but it’s going to be for very different reasons than I had envisaged. I can’t face the world. I can’t face anyone. I’ve done something I never thought I would do and to make it worse I didn’t feel as guilty as I thought I would.
I feel cheap, unwanted and dirty. I am that person. I can’t escape who I am. I never knew I was the type of person who would put my own selfish needs before others. I shudder and pull the blanket over my head.
I don’t know how I am going to get through this one. He has broken me. I deserve the pain. I know I deserve the pain but my mind is still full of Lawson Ace. I need to be rid of him once and for all. I close my eyes and let the dark consume me. How do I forget about him now?
Chapter 12
I’ve stayed in the confines of my home for the last few days. I’ve barely moved out of bed. I’m wallowing. I’m proving I am exactly the selfish person I have displayed myself to be because I can’t see further than how I am feeling.
I have put myself in her position. I feel bad. I feel so bad that words cannot adequately describe but I am also wallowing. I miss him. Part of me secretly hoped he would change his mind again and show up; he hasn’t.