“You’re lucky I didn’t ask him to escort you out of town,” Joel commented.
“What? You run this little town and it’s crappy police force?”
“Not at all,” Joel commented, walking over to where a decanter of bourbon sat, pouring himself a glass and refilling Cole’s. “I just have friends. Do you understand that concept?”
“Don’t be a condescending ass.” He sat across the desk from his brother.
“Have you ever had a friend, Cole?” Joel asked without heat.
Cole didn’t answer. He had. Once. Before his father had taught him the error of his ways. He slammed back the bourbon. “I see your taste in bourbon hasn’t changed.”
“Good, isn’t it? Cost a pretty penny, so you might want to slow down a bit.”
“You’re not hurting for money. Although, I’m shocked you wanted to own a restaurant. Doesn’t seem like your thing.”
“Well, we both know you don’t know me very well, don’t we?” Joel sat behind his desk with a tired sigh.
“Are they all right?” he asked, the question burning a hole in his gut. He leaned forward in his chair. “Because they don’t look all right. What happened to them?”
Joel took a sip of his drink. “No, they’re not all right. And, no, I’m not telling you what happened to them.”
A growl of displeasure filled the room. He reined in his possessive need to find them, protect them.
Not yours. Control. Calm.
“Sit down,” Joel told him in a low voice. “You cannot see them right now. They’re mine to take care of. All your presence would do right now is make things worse.”
“Yours? What happened to that woman you were living with? The one with the two kids?”
“Been checking up on me, brother?” Joel drawled.
“I might have had an investigation firm do an online search on you. Don’t worry, there’s not much to find. And it was made easier because I had your social security number.”
“You know, there’s this thing called a phone. And what you do is, you pick it up and you call someone and ask them how they’re doing. That’s what normal people do.”
“Well, we’re not exactly normal, are we?”
“No, you’ve made that clear,” Joel said dryly, watching him. “What were the words you used? Oh, yes, depraved and unnatural.”
Cole winced. “I was wrong.”
Joel leaned forward. “That so? Do tell.”
This was no less than he deserved, but fuck it was still so hard. “I said those things because I was fucking angry. I was always so fucking angry. Thing was, it was never really at you. You were just a convenient target since he wasn’t around.”
Joel didn’t ask who he was. “Dear old dad, still fucking up our lives from the grave.”
“Yeah.” Cole scrubbed his hand over his face. “I was so concerned about living up to his expectations that even once he was gone, I couldn’t stop trying. I was fucking jealous of you—”
“Of me?” Joel gave him a shocked look.
Fuck. He hadn’t actually meant to divulge that.
Definitely need to ease up on the bourbon.
“Of course. You just went out and lived your life and didn’t give a fuck what anyone else thought. You were happy, and I was fucking miserable, living my life for the old man, putting up with the board’s bullshit, and I said shit you didn’t deserve. That I didn’t even mean.”
“You seemed to mean it.”
“Yeah, maybe I kind of did. I didn’t really understand the lifestyle and, to be honest, later, I realized that part of the reason I hated it was because I felt a pull towards it. That’s why, six months ago, I started going to training sessions at a BDSM club.”
“You . . . you’ve been to training sessions?” Joel gaped at him.
“Yeah.”
“And you came here now to tell me all this?”
“I came here because I was a complete ass and it caused me to lose the only family I have left, and I wanted to see if it wasn’t too late to repair things between us.”
“Fuck, Cole. You don’t do things by half-measures.”
He was all too aware that Joel hadn’t said it wasn’t too late. But then, he hadn’t expected it to be easy.
“Did you think to call before just turning up out of the blue?”
“If I called, you might have told me not to come.”
“Yeah, but I’d also have avoided a scene like just happened.” Joel stared at his bruised eye. “You need another bag of peas?”
“Nah, this one is fine. Don’t want to ruin all of your frozen veggies.”
“I’m surprised Renard had these in the freezer. He thinks frozen vegetables are the devils work.”
Cole guessed he was trying to make a joke to lighten the mood.
“Did you know they were here?” Joel asked.
“No. I had no idea where they were. I’ve been searching for them for months. You didn’t think to tell me they were here?”
“Why would I? I had no idea you were looking for them. Last I knew, you were a happily married man. Where’s your wife?”
Cole had to swallow the bitterness that rose from his gut. “Seems like you’ve been checking up on me too.”
“A mutual friend asked me if I was coming to the wedding. I’m upset I didn’t get an invitation, brother,” Joel said dryly.
“Arabella and I never got married. I called it off before it got that far.” When he’d realized he was marrying someone he didn’t love for a company he no longer cared about just to make other people happy, he’d had to stop it.
“It was a wake-up call, nearly marrying her for business.”
If he expected Joel to react to that, he was disappointed.
“It’s all fucked up. It got so fucked up,” he whispered. “And no matter what decision I made, I messed up and made everything worse.”
“What are you talking about?” Joel asked. “You never do anything without thinking it through and weighing the pros and cons. You’re the most calculating man I know.”
He had been.
“Did you love her?” Joel asked him.
“No.” That shamed him. But it hadn’t been a love match. They’d both gone into it with their eyes open. “It was a business decision.”
Was that disappointment that flashed through Joel’s eyes. He had to have misread that, right?
“And business always comes first, right?” Joel said mockingly, saluting him with his glass.
“It used to. Until I realized how fucked up my life was. How lonely and pathetic I’d become.”
This time Joel did react, his eyes widening.
“I lost the only two people I ever cared about because of the business I was raised to run. I’m pretty sure that’s the only reason father had me, had us,” he altered.
“No, you had it right the first time. You were the one he raised to take over.”
“That bastard didn’t raise me,” Cole snapped, making Joel’s eyebrows rise. “He created me. Molded me. Do you know that whenever you weren’t there, he used to seek me out just to point out how much I disappointed him? How I would never be as smart or athletic or fucking liked as much as my younger brother was? How upset he was I was his oldest child, that it would have been better if I’d never existed.”
“You’re fucking with me.”
“Believe me, I couldn’t make this shit up. Wish I could.”
“That cold-hearted fucking bastard. I always knew things were hard on you at home, but I just thought . . . well, you never seemed to want anything to do with me.”
“I was jealous. Father cared about you more. Thought you were perfect, while I was constantly lacking. All he did was extol your virtues. It messed with my head. Then there was the fact that you had a mother who loved you, a little sister who adored you. Christ, I spent half my life wishing you were dead and the rest of the time wishing I were you.”
“Fuck. Why did you never tell me?”
“I was
a kid. I just wanted to win my father’s affection. And I guess I figured you knew. That he was telling you what a fuck-up I was while giving all his affection to you.”
“That bastard didn’t know the first thing about affection. He never once gave me a word of praise. But he also never said anything about you to me.”
“He didn’t?” Cole frowned.
“No. That’s why I never understood it. Why you hated me.”
“I never hated you. Thought I did for the longest time. Until I grew up a little and fucking realized what an asshole I’d been. By then, you wanted nothing to do with the business, with me. And I was bitter. All I could see was that I was having to do it all, while you were off living your life. Happy.”
Joel shook his head. Then he ran his hand over his face tiredly. “Fuck. What a mess. I admit I could have done more in the business. But I didn’t want it. I thought you hated me because he left half of it to me. Figured you’d be happier if I stayed away. Then when you were so opposed to the club, when you were such an asshole about something I did care about, it just proved to me that we’d never have a relationship.”
Cole nodded. “I know. I didn’t mean what I said. I was fucking bitter and twisted and jealous. I was also being influenced by some people who wanted to create a wedge between us. The board was slipping out of my grasp, and I thought I was losing the company. I took that out on you.” He cleared his throat. “And I was angry I wasn’t able to pursue my needs. That I wasn’t free to take what I wanted.”
“You were free. You’re Cole Saxon. Nobody tells you what to do.”
Cole let out a bitter laugh. “Do you understand how much the board pulled my strings? I thought I had everything I wanted. I was CEO. I was in charge but I fucking wasn’t. I was in a prison of my own making. Took me a long time to fight my way free.”
He sighed. “Spent my childhood trying to get the old man’s approval. Then when he died, I spent years trying to gain the board’s. Wasn’t until I woke up and realized I was marrying a woman for business, that my life was a farce, that I did something about it. I had nothing to live for, nothing I desired, everything I cared about was gone. That’s when I gave up my seat on the board and sold my shares.”
“You what?” Joel gaped at him.
He shrugged. “You did it. I should have done it years ago.”
“So, now neither of that bastard’s sons are in the business he spent his life creating.”
“No.” He waited for a stab of guilt. But it never came. Instead there was a feeling of rightness.
“This calls for another drink.”
“I don’t need a drink. I need to know why Julian and Keira are here. What happened to them? What do you mean they’re yours?”
Joel stared at him for a long moment. “I don’t trust you. Can’t trust you. I don’t know you anymore, and there’s a lot of bad blood between us. I get why you hated me—”
“I didn’t, Joel.”
His brother nodded. “That might be so, but it sure as fuck felt like you did. We exchanged some nasty words, brother. You thought I was trying to take them from you.”
“I’m not good at sharing.”
“You can sure as fuck say that again,” Joel commented. “But I never wanted them. You jumped to some nasty conclusions.”
“I know. And now?” He waited, his breath caught in his lungs.
Joel looked thoughtful. “Fact that you’re not threatening me or leaping down my throat with false accusations makes me feel better about giving you some truths. But I won’t tell you everything.”
He had to swallow his protest, but he gave his brother a nod. “All right. That’s fair enough.”
“A reasonable Cole Saxon, never thought I’d see the day.”
He deserved whatever Joel threw at him. He was the one who’d fucked up. He needed to pay penance if he was ever going to form some sort of relationship with the only family he had left.
“They’re not my subs or my lovers. I have a fiancée, two young boys whom I love.”
“Congratulations,” he said quietly.
“Aspen is my world. Same with Jamie and Caleb. They may not be mine by blood, but I claim them.” There was a slight warning in his voice, but Cole just nodded.
“But Julian and Keira are my family too. They live in my guest house. They have my protection. They’re my friends. I take that very seriously, Cole, and I won’t allow anyone to hurt them.”
“I’m not looking to hurt them. I honestly had no idea they were here. I came here to see if, well, to apologize to you.”
Joel nodded. “And now that you know they’re here?”
He shifted in his seat, blowing out his breath. “I’ve had an investigator searching for them.”
A flash of worry passed over Joel’s face. “He couldn’t find them?”
“No. They were well hidden. You did that? Why?”
“That’s something I won’t tell you.”
Cole ground his teeth together. But he couldn’t blame Joel for being cautious. And, truthfully, part of him was glad for it. It meant they were protected. That they weren’t alone.
“But that doesn’t mean they can’t tell you,” Joel added.
Something lit up inside him at the thought. There was a calculating look on Joel’s face. “Why were you trying to find them?”
“I wanted to check on them. To make sure they were all right.” Something he should have been doing all along. He should never have let them out of his sight. “I thought if they were doing well, then I’d let things be.”
“And if they weren’t doing all right?”
“Then I’d do whatever I needed to in order to help them.”
Joel studied him for a long moment. “You still care about them?”
“More than I’ve ever cared about anyone.”
“Yet, you threw them away.”
“There were reasons for that.” Reasons he needed to explain to them. If they’d listen to him.
Joel sighed. “I’m not sure that you being here is going to help them.”
“I don’t want to upset them. But maybe listening to what I have to tell them will help. Will give them closure. Maybe they can forgive me.”
“I don’t know if you’ll ever get forgiveness, Cole. I know it’s been a while, but some wounds go deep. They might not be willing to even listen to an apology at this stage.”
“I know. Are they involved with anyone else?”
Joel gave him an unreadable look. “That the only reason you want to apologize? To get them back into your bed?”
“No,” Cole gritted out. “But I don’t . . . I don’t want to interfere in their lives. If they’re happy, if they have someone else, if me being around would make things worse—”
“You saw them, Cole. Even if it was just for a few minutes. You tell me, do you think they’re fucking happy? Do they look like they have someone to take care of them?”
“No. But Julian—”
“Isn’t doing well. And I suspect Keira is doing even worse than he is, she just hides it better.”
“Is he . . . isn’t he her Dom?”
Joel sighed. “I guess the short answer is yes. The long answer is that it’s fucking complicated. They’re messed up and they need someone to help them.”
Cole straightened in his seat.
“Not you,” Joel told him.
Cole scowled. “What the fuck?”
“I’m hoping to find them a Dom to aid them, if they’ll accept his command. I’m not sure it will work, that Julian will let someone else take charge. Keira will do whatever Julian wants.”
That didn’t sound right. Keira was a sub, but she knew her own mind. If anything, he’d have said Julian let her have her way too often. She could have done with a firmer hand.
But, before he could question Joel, he was moving on. “But I have to try, because they need help.”
“I’ve trained as a Dom.”
Joel’s eyebrows rose. “Always wondered if
you’d figure that out.”
Cole flushed. “Sometimes I can be hard-headed.”
Joel snorted. “Sometimes?”
Cole just shrugged. “I might be able to help them.” Better than some Dom they barely knew.
“No, you won’t. Not at this stage.” Joel’s voice wasn’t unkind as he spoke, but it was firm. “At the moment, there’s so much stuff between the three of you that needs working out that it would muddy the waters. You might make it about you, when it needs to be about them.”
“I wouldn’t—”
“Not saying you’d mean to, Cole. But that’s what might happen. And, right now, they’re my priority. I have to protect them. However . . .” he sighed. “Can’t believe I’m actually doing this. If you were to stick around, if you were to work at it, if you were to be there for them without pushing yourself on them, I wouldn’t object.”
“Talk about damned by faint praise.”
“I can’t give you more than that right now, Cole. Trust lost is hard to gain back. I don’t know if I can trust you. They certainly don’t trust you. But I need to warn you, if you stick around this isn’t going to be easy. I guess you know that, but it’s likely going to be worse than you thought. Right now, Julian is angry. He’s hurting and I think, based on the way he just laid you out, his anger might have found a target. That could be a good thing. He needs to let it out. However, you’re gonna bear the brunt of it. If you can’t handle it then you’d best leave now. Because if you give them hope and then leave, I’ll track you down and make you hurt in ways you never imagined.”
Cole nodded. He heard the warning. He hated that Joel thought he had to give it to him, but he got it. He’d fucked up. He had to work on getting the three of them to trust him.
“Joel, give me some idea of what happened to them.”
“Hell. Hell happened to them.”
Cole sucked in a breath. “Fuck. I messed everything up, didn’t I?”
“I dare say you did.”
“Seems to be a talent of mine. Never fucking getting anything right.”
“Now that sounds like the old man talking,” Joel drawled. “And I learned long time ago never to listen to that bastard.”
“Seems you were smarter than me, then.”
Cole's Mistake (Haven, Texas Book 8) Page 11