Revenge of the Living Ted

by Barry Hutchison

  “I’m flooding their control chips,” Lisa Marie announced. “It should slow them down.”

  There was a series of loud bangs, and the air was suddenly full of fluff and fur.

  “Or it might make their heads explode,” she concluded. She smiled awkwardly at Vernon and the others. “Whoops!”

  “OK, so that works,” said Vernon. “Will it have blown up all of them?”

  Lisa Marie shook her head. “Doubt it. Only those who were close by.”

  “Still, jolly impressive, what!” said Sir Hopsalot. He bowed. At least, Lisa Marie guessed that’s what he was doing, but it was hard to be sure. “I appreciate your assistance, my dear, but I assure you I had it all in hand.”

  He glanced down at himself again. “Well, not in hand, exactly, but under control.”

  “Can we use the WiFi to call out?” asked Vernon. “We can warn people the army is going to come for them.”

  Lisa Marie shook her head. “It’s a local network. It’s not connected to the internet.”

  “Gah!” Vernon groaned.

  Bearvis stroked his furry chin, thoughtfully. “What I want to know is, how come those guys didn’t lose their heads?” he asked, narrowing his eyes at the hench-bears.

  “We don’t have chips,” Cuddlyplump explained.

  “Of course. You’re probably evil enough already,” sniffed Lisa Marie. “Ursine didn’t think he’d need to control you.”

  “We’re not evil!” Mr Fluffton protested. “We don’t care about the taking-over-the-world stuff, but if we didn’t help Ursine he’d have turned us into stuffed toys again.”

  “Yeah,” agreed Cuddlyplump. “We never really wanted to get involved in any of this world-conquering stuff. We just want to hide in our den, eat sweets, play online on the Xbox and chill out.”

  “Sounds like the perfect Saturday,” said Vernon, a little wistfully.

  “Wait. How can you play online?” asked Lisa Marie. “It’s a local network.”

  “There’s another network,” Cuddlyplump said. “Not WiFi, though. We plug into it.”

  Vernon blinked suddenly and stepped back as an idea hit him. They didn’t hit him often, but when they did they hit him hard.

  “Wait. Hold on. I’m thinking of something,” he announced.

  “That’s a first,” said Lisa Marie.

  “Shh!” Vernon shushed. He rapped his knuckles against the top of his head, trying to make his brain work faster. “I think… Yes. I think I have an idea.”

  He grabbed the hench-bears and lifted them, one in each hand. “You two are going to take me to your Xbox!”

  Lisa Marie rolled her eyes. “You can’t seriously be thinking about games at a time like this?”

  Vernon looked down at his sister. “OK, one: I’m always thinking about games,” he said. “And two: trust me. I have an idea. I just need you to slow the army down until I come back.”

  Lisa Marie bit her lip. “I’m not sure we should split up.”

  “It won’t be for long,” Vernon assured her. To her surprise, he put his arms round her and hugged her. As he was still holding Mr Fluffton and Cuddlyplump, they ended up hugging her, too. “I won’t be far away.”

  “Have no fear, fair maiden. I, Sir Hopsalot, shall accompany him on his quest!”

  He sprang in the direction of the door, his chin held high. “Onwards!”

  “I’d better go and follow Foothead,” said Vernon. He smiled at his little sister, then shot Bearvis a solemn stare. “Look after her.”

  “You have my word, son,” Bearvis drawled.

  And then, with a final nod, Vernon raced off after Sir Hopsalot, and before Lisa Marie could say anything else, he was gone.

  She took a moment to compose herself, then rolled up her sleeves and unhooked another teddy from its rope. “OK, Theodore,” she said. “Let’s try this again.”

  Ursine Kodiak knelt on the floor surrounded by circuit boards, lengths of wire, and various bits of scrap metal.

  His suit was stained with oil and grease. His beard was wilder than ever, from when he’d accidentally electrocuted himself, and he was still suffering the effects of several self-inflicted wedgies.

  “Finished,” he panted. “It’s done.”

  The digital eye on the screen swivelled down and studied the metal figure towering above Ursine.

  It was sort of teddy-bear shaped, but the size of a fully grown adult human. Taller, probably. Wider, definitely. Its shoulders were as broad as a small family car, while its arms were as thick as telegraph poles. One of them ended in a hand the size of a dustbin lid, while the other didn’t have a hand at all. Instead, one of the tanks’ cannons had been fixed to the wrist, ready to obliterate anything that got in its way.

  “Not bad,” Grizz’s voice said. “Not bad at all.”

  On-screen, the eye slowly closed. All around the factory, the lights went dark and the machines fell silent. Ursine’s eyes scanned the growing shadows, trying to figure out what this meant.

  “Hello?” he whispered.

  No reply.

  Slowly, Ursine got to his feet. “Uh … anyone there?” he asked.

  Nothing.

  Ursine gave a little cheep of excitement, barely able to believe his luck. Something must’ve happened to the artificial intelligence software. Maybe Mummy Bear was fighting back. Whatever it was, the nightmare was over.

  Turning, he moved to flee, only for an enormous metal hand to clamp down on his shoulder.

  Ursine turned just as the robot bear’s eyes illuminated in a sinister shade of red.

  “And just where do you think you’re going?” growled Grizz, his metal jaw snapping up and down. “I still have plans for you, meatbag!”

  Vernon couldn’t believe quite how big Ursine’s underground complex was. After a long, tiring climb up several sets of stairs, he stumbled into a little room, then flopped on to a beanbag that had been set up in front of a TV. As he fell, he landed on top of Cuddlyplump and Mr Fluffton. They complained about being squashed, but he was too exhausted to move.

  Sir Hopsalot hopped over to join him. “What kept you?” he asked. “I’ve been here for almost five minutes.”

  “That … was a lot … of stairs,” Vernon wheezed. Eventually, and with a lot of difficulty, he rolled off the beanbag and landed bum first on a half-eaten pizza.

  “Oh man, my ham and pineapple!” Cuddlyplump grumbled. “I was going to eat that later.”

  Vernon dropped the two hench-bears in the corner and instructed Sir Hopsalot to watch them while he fired up the Xbox.

  “Right you are!” Sir Hopsalot said, glaring at the two tightly bound bears. “These two aren’t going anywhere!”

  “You’d better not delete our saved games,” Mr Fluffton warned, as Vernon added his profile to the console and logged in.

  “Don’t tempt me,” he said. “Do you have a headset?”

  “It’s over there,” said Cuddlyplump, nodding to a stack of Chinese takeaway tubs. A wire and part of a headphone poked out from between two silver foil trays.

  “Ugh. It’s got chow mein on it,” Vernon said, wiping the headset on the beanbag.

  He pulled it on just as his avatar appeared on screen, and flicked over to his friends list. “Come on, be online, be online…” he whispered.

  Several names popped up as being active and Vernon let out a cheer. “Yes!”

  He scrolled to the first active name, ‘PsychoGamer88349’ and clicked ‘Join Party’.

  “Where’ve you been?” Drake demanded through the headset. “You were supposed to be in the tournament.”

  “Yes, but listen—” Vernon began.

  “We got massacred! It was embarrassing.”

  “I know, but—”

  “I’m going to kill you, Vern. We all are,” Drake continued. “Me and the lads, we’re going to—”

  “Will you just shut up?!” Vernon shouted. “You have to listen. This is important.”

  He fully expected Drake to sh
out him down, but to Vernon’s surprise, he didn’t.

  “Well, go on then,” Drake spat. “What is it?”

  Vernon hesitated. If he told Drake the truth, he’d either ruthlessly mock him, or threaten to kill him again, there was no way of telling which. Even if Drake did believe him, he wouldn’t help. He wasn’t a ‘helping’ kind of guy, not unless there was something in it for him.

  No, this was going to require a different approach. Vernon wracked his brains and looked around the room for inspiration. His eyes fell on the three teddy bears.

  “Have you heard about the teddy parade?” he said.

  Vernon could practically hear Drake frown. “You what?”

  “There’s a teddy parade today. All these high-tech robot-teddy things are going to be coming to town. It’s going to be a big show. There’ll probably be music and dancing and stuff.”

  “Ugh. So?” snapped Drake, sounding completely disgusted by the whole idea. “Why are you telling me this?”

  Vernon took a deep breath. “So, I know how we can ruin it. I know how we can make all the teddy bears’ heads explode. My sister and all her friends are really looking forward to it. Imagine how disappointed everyone will be if we ruin it. That’ll be fun, right?”

  There was silence from the headset for a while. Vernon felt his heart sink. Drake wasn’t going to go for it. He wasn’t buying it.

  Then, out of nowhere: “Go on,” said Drake. “I’m listening…”

  While Bearvis gathered up the weapons the soldier-bears had dropped, Lisa Marie and Theodore paced back and forth in front of their army. Calling it an army was being quite generous, Lisa Marie knew, but she felt it was important to try to think positively.

  This wasn’t easy. Upstairs somewhere, Grizz had assembled a thousand-strong fighting force, equipped with tanks and fighter jets. Down here, Lisa Marie and Theodore Steiffenhume III had cobbled together a group of just thirty teddies, most of whom were missing limbs, eyes, or – in one case – a head.

  As they walked, Theodore introduced some of the bears. “You know Jimmy Three Legs and Uncle Noface,” he said.

  Lisa Marie didn’t know them, actually, but she nodded and smiled to suggest she did.

  They passed a couple of other bears – one vastly overstuffed, the other just twelve centimetres tall. “Norman and Tiny Norman,” Theodore continued.

  “Hi, Norman,” said Lisa Marie, nodding to the bigger bear.

  “No, that’s Tiny Norman,” Theodore corrected. He indicated the smaller bear. “That’s Norman.”

  “All right?” said Norman in a surprisingly deep voice.

  “Uh, but…” Lisa Marie began, then she decided not to ask. “Good to meet you both.”

  The introductions continued. Theodore pointed out Doris the Teeth, Holey Dan, Cousin Upside Down and Tommy Torso. Another of the bears was introduced as ‘the Twins’ even though there only appeared to be one of them.

  Lisa Marie generally prided herself on being patient and polite, but now was not the time to be either.

  “I’d love to meet everyone, but we’re in a bit of a rush,” she reminded Theodore. “We’ve got a bit of a problem, you see?” she said, addressing the sort-of-army. “An evil teddy is planning to take over the world.

  “Why?” asked Norman.

  “How’s that our problem?” asked Holey Dan.

  “What’s the world?” asked Cousin Upside Down.

  There was a general unhappy murmuring from the bears, with the exception of Uncle Noface and the headless bear, who both said nothing.

  Lisa Marie thought for a moment. “The world is where we live. It’s an amazing place, filled with incredible things like … like … the Great Wall of China, and tropical rainforests, and huge mountain ranges and—”

  “Ducks,” said Theodore.

  Lisa Marie hesitated. “Ducks?”

  “Yes.” Theodore nodded. “I rather like ducks.”

  “OK. And ducks,” said Lisa Marie.

  “And music, honey,” Bearvis chimed in. “Can’t forget that.”

  “Right. And music. But most importantly, it’s full of children who love teddy bears,” Lisa Marie continued. “Children who depend on teddy bears to help them sleep, or to cheer them up, or to make them feel safe when they’re afraid. Teddy bears like you.”

  The murmuring died away. Everyone fell silent. Especially Uncle Noface and the headless bear, who fell twice as silent as everyone else.

  Lisa Marie pointed upwards. “The bears up there, they want to hurt those children. Or lock them away. I’m not entirely sure, but whatever it is, it won’t be good. Not for the kids, and not for their teddies. There’ll be no more teddy sleepovers, no more teddy bears’ picnics, no more cuddles.”

  A series of concerned gasps rose from the group. “No cuddles?” said Doris the Teeth, spraying saliva through her enormous gnashers. “That won’t do at all.”

  “But we can stop them,” Lisa Marie said. “You and me. Us. Together. We can stop them.”

  The bears pulled themselves up to their full heights and proudly puffed out their chests.

  “Yeah!”

  “Let’s do it!”

  “We’ll show ’em!”

  Jimmy Three Legs took one and a half steps forward. “Uh, I have a question. How many of them are there?”

  Lisa Marie tried not to let the worry show on her face. “They outnumber us a bit,” she admitted.

  “Define ‘a bit’,” said Jimmy Three Legs.

  “There are about a thousand of them,” Lisa Marie said.

  “What?”

  “How many?”

  “Forget it!”

  “And they have jets and tanks,” Theodore added. Lisa Marie shot him a sharp look and he smiled anxiously. “Sorry, I thought I was helping.”

  “And you want us to stand up to them? That’s insane!” cried one of the bears.

  “We wouldn’t stand a chance,” said another.

  Bearvis stepped forward. “Hey, now hold on there just a second,” he said in his distinctive drawl. “Y’all listen, and y’all listen good. This girl here, I saw her take on a whole bunch of monster bears just last night. I’m talking vampires, werewolves, ghosts, aliens… These kinda weird ones who were all slimy and disgusting. I don’t know what those were but they were unpleasant. Real unpleasant.”

  He gave himself a shake.

  “Point is, this girl right here, she stopped ’em all. When the odds were stacked against her and the chips were down, she rose to the challenge and she slapped them bad guys so hard they didn’t know what hit ’em.”

  He met Lisa Marie’s gaze and smiled. “If anyone can take care of business, it’s her. And it’s my honour to stand by her side.” He punched the air and raised his voice into a rallying cry. “So, who’s with me?”

  No one moved. No one spoke.

  Bearvis held his fist in the air until it started to look a bit awkward, and he lowered it again.

  “Anyone?” he asked.

  There was a shuffling from the Duds. Uncle Noface stumbled forward, his arms reaching blindly ahead of him as he felt his way. A few of the other bears stepped aside, clearing a path for him.

  With some difficulty, Noface finally reached Lisa Marie. Hooking an arm round her, he raised a paw and gave a thumbs up to the rest of the army. Or in what he thought was the right direction, at least.

  Bearvis leaned closer to Lisa Marie and whispered. “You think he knows he’s facing the wrong way?”

  “I don’t know. Let’s just go with it,” Lisa Marie whispered back.

  Tiny Norman lumbered over next. He nodded to Bearvis, then wrapped his bulky arms round Lisa Marie and hugged her. “I’m in,” he said in a voice that sounded like he’d been inhaling helium.

  Cousin Upside Down came to join them, then Holey Dan. Soon, Lisa Marie was encased in a cocoon of furry bodies as the other teddies rushed over to join the group hug.

  “I think we can safely say they’re in,” said Theodore.
>
  “You got your army, honey,” said Bearvis. “Now, what’s the plan?”

  “Vernon said we should slow Grizz’s army down, but I think we can do better than that,” Lisa Marie said. “We need to get to the central terminal on the factory floor. The screen with the big eye.

  Once we’re there, I can hack Grizz’s systems. We’re not just going to slow the army down, we’re going to stop it!”

  “Sounds good. What about us?” Bearvis asked. “The King don’t know nothin’ about no hacking.”

  A smile spread slowly across Lisa Marie’s face. “You guys are going to be the distraction.”

  Grizz’s metal feet clanked on the concrete floor as he paced back and forth in front of the amassed ranks of his troops. They all stood to attention, ray guns loaded, cutlasses raised, custard pies and lollipop sticks held ready.

  The robotic frame that now housed Grizz’s artificial intelligence towered above them all, its metal jaw twisted into a cruel mockery of a grin.

  “Listen up, furballs,” Grizz barked. He pointed his cannon-hand at the long garage-like door behind him. It was rolled up now, revealing a panoramic view of the town below. “You all know your mission. One: we go out there. Two: we destroy everything and round up all the meatbags we find. Three…” His smile broadened. “We repeat until the world is ours.”

  He cast his eyes across the army. “Any questions?”

  A paw raised in the third row. Grizz opened fire with his cannon-hand, and the bear became a cloud of burning fluff.

  “Any other questions?” he boomed. This time, nobody raised their paw. Red lights blazed in his hollow eye sockets. “Yeah, I thought not,” he said. “Now, everyone roll…”

  A screech of feedback echoed around the complex. All eyes raised to the overhead speakers.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” a voice boomed. “Bearvis has entered the building.”

  A door opened at the far end of the room, revealing a teddy in a sequinned outfit standing in a dramatic pose. He had a microphone clutched in one paw, and held it close to his mouth.