by Tey Holden
“It matters to me.” Karen looked distressed. Addy stared at her.
“I need to know that you believe in me. I need to know. I don’t want shadows over us, especially when they are not true.”
“I believe you. I just got mad about how she used us.” Addy started to cry. She looked for Karen’s shoulder to lean on. “I hate her. I’m glad you didn’t end up with her. She is not a good person. She would have made you miserable. I’m so glad I went to that ranch!”
Karen closed her eyes and hugged her tightly. “You and me both, baby, you have no idea how glad I am that things turned out the way they did. It’s funny how life works. I thank God every day for you, Addy. I really do.” Karen held her face in her hands and kissed her a million times.
“I do too.”
Part 14
In their ever changing life, a week after the Susan and Alana ordeal, Addy received a call from her friend Tania announcing that she was coming to visit. Addy was really excited with the news, but Karen was not. Tania was Addy’s oldest friend and had always been very influential in her life. Karen was concerned that Tania might find out about their relationship and not approve. She even feared that Tania might try to influence Addy to go back to Virginia, and that made Karen nervous about the visit.
The best part about the decision to come to Scotland had been that they had distanced themselves from everyone, and this had allowed them to concentrate on each other without any outside influences. Even though everything had worked out wonderfully, Karen still couldn’t help feeling insecure about their relationship. After all, Addy had always considered herself, a straight woman and until recently she had been married to a man. In fact, Addy still didn’t see herself as a lesbian, but rather as having ‘a Karen thing,’ as she often proclaimed.
Every time Addy made such a proclamation she thought she was reinforcing her relationship with Karen. However, the statement had the opposite effect. In fact, the statement was very unsettling for Karen. Karen thought that if it was true that Addy had never been attracted to another woman, then Addy was not really a lesbian, and that was disconcerting because she was unable to explain Addy’s feelings for her. This uncertainty about Addy’s sexuality, in addition to any exterior influences from people in Addy’s past, made Karen panic any time they had to face any unforeseen situation, or interact with anyone who might possibly rock her boat. Karen recognized that it was selfish of her to want to keep Addy to herself, but that is exactly what she wanted. Things were prefect as they were.
On one occasion, Addy woke up around three in the morning and found herself alone in bed. She got up, and went in search of Karen. She found her sitting in front of the computer in the office, which also doubled as a bedroom. Although it was pretty obvious that the room was not used as a bedroom, it gave the appearance that it was a second bedroom intended to be for one of them. They still thought that they had to keep appearances.
The lack of use of the room as a bedroom was even more apparent by the many amenities and comforts of the master room, which was obviously the real bedroom. The guest/office room had a full size bed tucked to the side, which had only been used when Melanie stayed with them.
Addy was aware that not having publicly come out reflected an ambivalent situation, which added to Karen’s insecurity, and to her fear that certain people could affect their relationship. On the other hand, they both understood that some people would never accept them and therefore it was better for them not to know in so many words, and to let time deliver the message. When Addy found Karen sitting in front of the computer, she stood by the door.
“What’s wrong?”
Karen looked up. “Nothing, I couldn’t sleep.”
Addy came closer and put her arms around her from the back and kissed her on the cheek. Karen leaned her face into Addy’s.” “I know you are nervous.”
“Can’t help it. She’s your best friend and I’m afraid that she’ll find out. I’m afraid that she will judge us and try to change your mind to go back home. Yeah, I guess I’m fucking nervous.” Karen was also edgy.
“Ker, I can’t give you any assurances as to how Tania will react if she finds out about us, but I can assure you that her opinion is not going to make a difference to me. Nothing, or anyone will come between us. Nothing is ever going to change that. And, I’m home already. How many times do I need to say that? By the way, my expectation is that if she were to find out, she will be shocked. I think it would be a normal reaction. Don’t you think so? So, anyway, she’ll have to live with it and accept it, if she wants to keep my friendship. Come back to bed, Ker, I can’t sleep knowing that you are here all upset, and I need my blankie.” Karen turned the computer off and followed Addy back to their bedroom. “Relax, baby, everything will be okay. She’s really nice. Please, don’t worry.”
“Addy, would you really sacrifice your friendship with her for me?”
Addy stopped in the middle of the hallway. “Karen Larsen, I can’t believe that you are really asking such a thing! I think that if that was to happen, it wouldn’t be me sacrificing the friendship, it would be her. It would be her choice. My choice was made some time ago. I haven’t regretted a moment of it, and will not give up our life and our happiness for anything in the world! To be honest, I wouldn’t even do it for my daughter.” She continued to walk into their bedroom leaving a very astonished Karen behind.
Karen followed her in. “You mean to tell me that if Laurie had raised hell about us that wouldn’t have mattered to you?”
“Oh, Ker, it would have mattered. She is my daughter and her acceptance is priceless to me, but I am not going to let her choice affect mine. I am entitled to have my life as well as she is entitled to have hers.”
They were both sitting on their bed. “Karen, I’ve told you a million times and I will tell you another million times, if necessary, until it is engraved in your heart, in your soul and in that thick head of yours. You are my life, and the one who makes me happy, and cares and loves me every single day. I’m not giving you up or going anywhere. So, just get in here and get some rest, would you, please?”
With this very casual monologue, Addy had reiterated, without any ulterior thought the same sentiments she had communicated two years ago when she told Karen that she was staying in Scotland with her. These were the true feelings of her heart, unchanged and as strong. Could it be possible, oh God, that she loves me in such a way that nothing else matters?
The next day, Tania was due to arrive. She and Addy had grown up together and had been best friends all their lives. At times they had drifted apart because of the comings and goings of life, but had always stayed in touch and had visited each other everywhere they had been. Their families had also known each other for many years, so their friendship was deeply rooted.
Still, even with all of Addy’s reaffirmations, Karen was beyond terrified with Tania’s visit. When it came to her relationship with Addy anything that threatened it, unnerved her. Addy knew it, and had been trying to figure out a way that would make Karen feel more secure about their relationship. She was working on an idea, but had not been able to carry it out yet. For now, they were going to have to deal with Tania’s visit.
Tania had been married and after thirty years, she and her husband divorced. She had three grown daughters. Karen met Tania at Addy’s house when Addy was still married. The women liked each other, but Karen always felt some tension when Tania was around because she felt she had to compete for Addy’s attention. It was all in Karen’s head, of course. Karen had even wondered if Tania was not secretly in love with Addy, and had never been able to let her feelings show because of the family history and their upbringing.
Karen was jealous. She had admitted that much to Addy. Addy laughed. “Baby, I love her. She’s my lifetime friend, but what I feel for you I don’t feel for her. It’s different.” Karen chuckled, understanding the difference, but selfishly wanting Addy for herself only.
“What did she mean when she said sh
e was coming to see what you were doing here?”
“I don’t know, but please, cut her some slack. Do it for me, please. She will only be here for a week and then she’ll be gone. We’ll put her up at the inn, and take her out and entertain her there. We can also plan some outings to show her around and before you know, she’ll be gone.”
Karen was silent. She had to be civil about the visit, after all this was Addy’s best friend. But she was very uneasy. They went back to sleep. In the middle of the night, Addy felt Karen’s hand caressing her back. A very sleepy Addy turned around. “What is it?”
Karen increased her affection. “I need comfort.”
Addy smiled. “C’mere.” They cuddled. They had an agreement that whenever they ‘needed’ each other they would just come out and say it. They had agreed from the start that their relationship was going to be a completely open one. Tonight, Karen needed the comfort and reassurance of her love and Addy was delighted to acquiesce. Karen cuddled to her and kissed her as Addy continued her reassurances. “Umm, I love holding you, Blondie.” The gentle caressing escalated, and Addy’s reassurances turned into activities that provided a lot of comfort and relaxation to Karen.
Addy smiled as she looked at the woman underneath her. “Better now?”
“Much better.”
“Do you think you might need more comforting tonight?”
Karen chuckled. “One can’t ever have enough comfort.”
“In that case, let me.” Addy again began to pay homage to every inch of the beautiful woman aching for her touch.
“Addy!”
“Ssssh.” Addy was whispering very sensually. “Let me show you what I do for you exclusively. Just remember this whenever you get paranoid again.”
In the morning, the bed sheets were rumpled and off on the corners, the pillows were on the floor and they both woke up all rolled up in the comforter. Karen opened one eye and found a lovely, face with a radiant smile looking at her “Rough night, Blondie?”
Karen grinned, as Addy kissed her neck. “Best ever.”
“Do I get brownie points?”
Karen placed her hand on the back of Addy’s neck and pulled her down towards her, then turned her around and positioned herself on top right between Addy’s legs. “I don’t know if the girls and boys scouts combined have all the brownie points you deserve, but I can think of a very special way to reward an outstanding scout.”
Addy tried to fight her off under the covers while laughing, as Karen held her down and tickled her. “Ker! We can’t. We have things to do.”
“Oh yeah, lots!”
“Kerrrr!
***
Karen was fired up in the kitchen when Addy came down from the bedroom. “Someone’s very happy.”
Karen grinned. “You bet. I have every reason to be. I feel very loved. I’ve got breakfast ready.” Karen’s mastery in the kitchen was breakfast. Addy smiled as she came around and kissed the woman with the apron. “Do I look domestic in this apron? Maybe even sexy?”
“You better not get any ideas. I’m still sore from this morning’s not so domestic, but very sexy activities.”
Karen smiled. “Aaawe! Poor baby, do you want me to kiss your booboos?”
“Nope, my booboos need to be left alone for a while. Just feed me.” They sat down to eat, both with a grin on their faces.
“What’s on tab for today?” Karen asked.
“We need some groceries, and I have to stop by the inn for a while. Tania’s plane arrives at four thirty. We can pick her up and have dinner in town, or at the inn. What would you prefer? Are you going to be okay?”
“I’ll survive, and I promise to be charming. Let me think about dinner ideas.”
Addy smiled. “Just remember what you need to think about when you get all paranoid.” Karen smiled as Addy started to clear the table.
Still, on the way to pick up Tania at the airport, Karen looked troubled. Addy noticed and placed her hand on Karen’s thigh. “Lighten up, babe. It will all be fine.” Karen forced a smile.
***
“This is beautiful.” Tania said when they arrived at the inn. “No wonder you two dropped everything to come here! Wow! How many rooms does it have?”
“Twenty two. Wait until you see the whole thing tomorrow. It’s a magnificent place.” Addy was going on and on about the inn. Karen just followed the pair interjecting an answer here or there when asked. They agreed to let Tania freshen up, and to meet her at eight for dinner at the inn’s restaurant. Karen had talked to Rene and he was expecting them.
While Addy was still showing the grounds of the inn to Tania, Karen disappeared for a while. “Where did you go?”
“I was making some food arrangements. I thought Tania might be hungry. If we go out on the pool area, they’ll bring out some appetizers.”
“Okay, let’s go, if you brought your swimming suit, you might want to go in the pool. We also have a very nice hot tub in the spa area. You might also want to schedule a spa treatment. You’ll love it.” They sat outside to enjoy their wine and appetizers. Later, they had dinner served out on the restaurant’s patio. “Tomorrow, when you get up, call us, and we’ll give you the grand tour of the property. We can also go horseback riding, or bicycle riding, or paddle boating on the lake. Whatever you want to do, we’ll do.”
“I want to do everything there’s to do, but please not all in one day, Addy! I know you, and I know you can run me ragged. This food is delicious, by the way. And you didn’t have to put me up at the inn, I could have stayed with you guys.”
Addy immediately replied, to Karen’s relief. “The cottage is very small, you will be more comfortable here. Having this great inn there is no reason why you should have to sleep on a small bed.”
The first two days were spent enjoying the amenities at the inn and visiting the town in the evenings. The following two days they went sightseeing. There were a lot of historical sites and the countryside was very picturesque. On the fifth day, Tania was planning to come to the cottage and just spend a relaxing day with them. The night before, Addy mentioned to Karen that she was thinking of telling Tania about them. “What? Are you crazy! Why? Is it necessary? Hell is going to break lose. You just don’t know the kind of commotion coming out causes. People tend to be uncomfortable. She’ll think the worst, you will be upset and—.”
“Ker, she’s been my best friend forever, I fully trust her.”
“I don’t know, Addy, I don’t see any reason to let her know, or anyone else for that matter. I’m afraid it’s only going to mean trouble and unhappiness. You really have no idea how prejudiced people are. You’ve been insulated here, but it’s real, and it’s bad.”
“Ker, people have to accept. We’ve been together for a while now. This is not something new, or temporary. I want people to see us as the couple we are.”
“Addy, although we have not been totally private about our relationship, we have not been broadcasting it either. People may seem fine, but most of the times they are not. You are not aware of how judgmental people can be. I am. I’ve lived facing people’s prejudices all my life, even from my own family, who to this day hates me for who I am. You have no idea what you are doing. However, if you feel you have to do it, I will be right behind you, as always.” Karen paused for effect. “Just be prepared for the onslaught and for the hurt. And think about the effect of her rejection on us. I don’t want to lose you.”
“Ker, for God’s sake! How many times do we have to go over this? That is not going to happen. Get it through your head.” Addy pointed to her skull in a somewhat energetic way.
Karen nodded and went upstairs. She stayed at her computer for a while and then came to bed. They kissed good night, but Addy knew Karen was concerned. Karen knew this was an unstoppable train wreck. When Addy had something in her head, there was no way to dissuade her. She had already resolved to tell Tania, and expected total acceptance from her. This is going to be a total disaster, and I have no way to stop it!<
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The next morning, Karen got up early. She had barely slept with so many terrifying ideas going through her head. She got ready to go to an appointment she had regarding a few horses they were buying from a neighboring farm. She was glad to have that appointment because she needed to find some distraction, or she would go mad. She, however, left fearing the worse upon her return. Maybe Tania would be gone, and Addy would be broken hearted. God only knew what would happen. All she knew was that she had to get away, at least for a little while, to clear her head.
When Addy woke up, she worried when she saw that Karen was gone. Karen had never left the house without telling her that she was leaving. Addy immediately grabbed her phone and sent her a text. “Where are you?”
“At Murphy’s farm about the horses.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. Later.”
Addy suspected that Karen didn’t want to talk and just needed some space. She’d talk to her later. Now she had to get ready to meet Tania and bring her over to the cottage to spend the day, as they had agreed. At around nine that morning, Addy drove to the inn to pick up Tania who was ready and waiting. They drove back to the cottage, and after showing her the cottage, Addy made breakfast and they ate out on the patio. “Thanks for breakfast. It was great. And I love the cottage. It’s like taken out of a movie, and this view is so spectacular there are no words to describe it. I could sit here forever and look at that ocean. No wonder you decided to stay here. This place is amazing.”
“Tania, there’s something I need to tell you as my best friend, but I need you to keep this in strict confidence. Please, don’t even tell your sister. When the time comes and she comes to visit, I will tell her also. It’s not just because of this place that I’m here.”
“Addy, I think I already know what you are going to tell me. She is too awesome not to notice, and you complement each other.” Addy looked at her and let out a deep sigh. She also felt a bit shy.
“How did it happen? How long has it been?”
Addy’s eyes welled with tears, but she smiled. She felt relieved. “I’m sorry for getting emotional, Tania. I was really concerned about your reaction. I’m glad that you are not running out of here.”