by Rula Sinara
“I’m a realist, and the reality is that cuteness has a price. Like boiling diapers. This girl is never going to do that. Not to mention the cost of having a child. And being tied down. Me? I like being able to move when I want to. Explore the world,” Jacey said.
“You guys will feel differently when you have your own kids,” Hope said.
Chad knew she wasn’t referring to him specifically, but for a second he’d almost pointed out that she was holding his kid. The one he’d helped birth. The one he had a primal urge to protect. He cranked his neck to the side and swallowed back his words. He wasn’t a father. Not even close.
Jacey excused herself, grabbed her crutches and went outside. Hope’s brow furrowed as she watched her leave.
“I think that might have been insensitive. Chad, can you hold the baby so I can go check on her?” Hope asked.
“I’ll go,” Taj said. He walked out before anyone could argue.
“Then here, you hold Reth, Chad. I’ll clear the table,” Hope said, glancing out the window. She held the baby out with one hand, supporting his head and neck, and placed him in the crook of Chad’s arm.
Chad didn’t object. He curved his arm in and cradled the baby safely against his chest. He was so light. So limp.
Hope smiled. “He looks good on you,” she said, stepping away to clear the dishes.
“What did I miss?”
Chad glanced over his shoulder to find Lexi watching from the bedroom doorway, rosy-cheeked and groggy and just plain beautiful. She bit her lower lip.
“Taj went after Jacey,” Chad offered, trying to deflect any attention from him holding the baby.
“I said something about having kids and she walked out,” Hope explained.
“Oh, no. I’ll be right back,” Lexi said, glancing at Chad and the baby sound asleep in his arm before opening the screen door and closing it quietly behind her so it wouldn’t slam shut.
Hope splayed both hands and shook her head. “Clearly there’s something going on here that I didn’t know about,” she said.
“I have no idea what you mean. I’m holding the baby, that’s all. I mean, I’m like his uncle and I helped bring him into the world and all, but Lexi and I are... I don’t know. Friends? I think. We’re not together. At least not in that way.” He was babbling. He needed to shut up.
Hope cocked her head and grinned. She sat on the stool next to him and leaned her elbow on the table.
“I wasn’t referring to you and Lexi. But I’m all ears now.”
* * *
LEXI STEPPED OUTSIDE, careful not to slip in the puddle of mud outside the door. Soon they’d have to build wooden paths between the clinic buildings, just above ground, to avoid the mud. The air was thick with humidity and the scent of wet grasses and overripe fruit ready to fall from the trees. Lions roared and monkeys chattered as the rest of the wildlife chimed in. They were celebrating the end of the drought.
She listened for Taj and Jacey. Voices carried from behind the clinic tent, where Jacey often went to be alone. A few months ago, Taj had found a small boulder perfectly shaped for sitting and dragged it under the mango tree back there. He had to have strained quite a few muscles moving it. Lexi had suspected he’d done it because he cared for Jacey, even that far back in time. Probably longer.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean you’re leaving? Where are you going?” Taj said.
“I think I’ll check out India next,” Jacey said.
Lexi didn’t want to eavesdrop but she could hear them before she reached the clearing. Since when did Jacey plan on leaving? She couldn’t leave now. Not when she was needed even more, since Lexi had a baby to raise. This hadn’t been planned. This was Jacey running away. She rounded the tent.
“Jacey.” That’s all Lexi said. She couldn’t say more without revealing her friend’s secret. She was sure Jacey would understand. She looked at her pleadingly, willing her to tell Taj the truth.
“What’s going on, Lexi? Is there something you know? Why’s she leaving?”
“I’m sitting right here,” Jacey said.
Taj looked at her and braced his hands on his hips.
“Then talk to me. Just like that, you want to leave? Don’t we matter to you? Didn’t any of the last eight months matter?”
He’d said “we” but Lexi knew he meant himself.
Jacey’s face flushed and she ground the end of her crutches into the mud.
Man, these two were stubborn.
“I’m about to step right into the middle of what’s none of my business. It’s probably wrong, but I’m going to do it anyway. Blame it on my feeling hormonal and sentimental.”
“Don’t say it, Lexi,” Jacey warned.
“That part I leave to you. But enough, you two. You both like each other and have for a long time. Why can’t you just admit it? Jacey, that rock you’ve enjoyed for months on end, lounging on it with a book...do you really think Taj killed himself rolling it here for him? Or me?”
Jacey looked off into a grove of pepper trees, but Lexi could see she was trying to remain stoic.
“And what about you, Taj? Are you blind? I’ve noticed the way you both look at each other and how you choose to work together even when I’m available and you don’t have to. And Jacey hates cooking, but she always makes your favorite dish on the weekends when you come out here. Did you really believe it was because she couldn’t cook anything else?
“I’m going to say it now since neither of you is brave enough and I don’t want to see two people I care about miss out on something that’s so rare. You more than care for each other. I’ve been watching this romance unfold but it has been like a soap opera with no end. Why can’t you just admit your feelings and work it out?”
“Because it can’t work out.” Jacey wiped a tear off her face, stood and positioned her crutches.
Taj’s face softened and he sucked in a breath.
“Then she’s right? What’s between us hasn’t been my imagination?” he asked.
Jacey stared at the ground.
Taj scratched the back of his head and stepped closer to her.
“Talk to me, Jace. If it hasn’t been all in my head, then why are you running off? Did I do something wrong? Tell me what I did. I’ll make it right. Jace... I’ve...I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you.”
“You can’t make it right,” she blurted. “I...I can’t have children, Taj. Lexi only found out recently. I can’t have kids and all you’ve ever spoken about was how big a family you want. I’m not that girl. I can’t give you that, and I won’t take it away from you.”
Taj froze for a second before glancing back at Lexi, as if he needed confirmation that what he was hearing was true.
“Jace, I’m sorry,” he said.
“Don’t be. See? I was trying to spare you getting put on the spot.”
“You think I’m being put on the spot? You think whether you can have children or not matters to me?”
“Of course it does.”
“Don’t speak for me, Jace. If you believe I’m so closed-minded and selfish that I’d insist my kids had to come from me—or you—then you don’t know and respect me as well as I thought you did.
“Look at Mac. Didn’t you hear that he and Tessa adopted Tai just over a year ago? I thought you met them at the baby shower. Does it look to you like Hope loves Chad, Maddie or Ryan any less than Philip? Open your eyes, Jacey. I’ve been trying to show you I care every way I know how, but I held back because I felt something was wrong. That you weren’t ready for a relationship, or that maybe you weren’t interested. But if this is what it’s about, then give me—give us—a chance.”
Jacey, who Lexi had never seen so much as shed a tear, covered her face and tried to muffle a sob. Taj closed the gap between them and put his arms around her. Lexi wiped her own face an
d turned to leave. She’d done her part. They needed privacy now. She couldn’t keep herself from looking back one more time, though, just as Taj pressed a kiss to the top of Jacey’s head. Then, finally, Jacey wrapped her arms around his waist and let herself be held.
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAD FLIPPED THE eggs in the pan and switched off the burner. It had only taken one flick of his wrist to get it right this time and no egg had ended up on the floor. Mac had picked up Hope and Taj that morning to fly them to Nairobi, and Jacey had gone with them. She and Taj wanted to spend time together in Nairobi. He wanted Jacey to see where he spent his days when he wasn’t at the clinic camp and maybe take her on a real date.
That resulted in Chad being left alone with Lexi and the baby. But it wasn’t like it was a date day for them or anything. Definitely not. At least he didn’t think so. Lexi had simply refused to return to Nairobi, insisting that the helicopter noise wouldn’t be good for Reth, and with the rainstorms as unpredictable as they were, traveling into the city by car wasn’t going to happen, either. She’d said she felt safer here, and all her baby supplies were here, too, including the crib he’d put together for her. He obviously couldn’t have let her stay alone, so he’d chose to stay, as well. And so what if he was cooking for her? She had to eat.
But this really wasn’t a date.
“Hey, you’re making food?” Lexi said, cracking the door behind her so she could listen for the baby. She flicked on the monitor she’d gotten from Maddie at the shower, but she didn’t trust it yet. He’d seen her peeking in the room every few minutes all morning.
“It’s not much. Just eggs.” He put a plate on the table for her and filled another for himself.
“It’s perfect. Thanks.” She took a bite and nodded her approval. “Very good.”
“I read that you need more calories when you’re nursing, and I noticed you barely ate breakfast when everyone else did. Too busy feeding the little man.”
“Calling him a man already, huh.” She chuckled and took another bite before looking up at him from under her lashes. “You’ve been reading my baby books?”
He felt heat rise up the back of his neck. He shrugged.
“I couldn’t sleep after about four in the morning, so I read the part about those first months after birth.” He couldn’t read her expression. She kept eating quietly. “More eggs?”
“No, I’m good. This was plenty. And nutritious. I appreciate it.”
He practically jumped out of his seat and to the window when he heard the sound of voices approaching. He relaxed when he spotted two women from one of the nearby tribes making their way up the path.
“You do realize bad guys don’t usually announce their presence?” Lexi teased after she looked past him and through the window screen.
“Of course, I know that,” he scoffed. “I was just preparing myself in case there was an emergency.”
“Do me a favor and stay here in case Reth wakes up. I secured the screen around his crib, but I don’t want him left alone.”
He completely agreed on that point. Everyone, even Anna and Niara, who’d raised Pippa and Haki in a tent, had warned Lexi about snakes, curious monkeys and other critters. He didn’t understand why they’d seemed so matter-of-fact about it, but they’d all blasted him with the dangers of raising kids in the city. Danger was everywhere. You couldn’t let it keep you from living life the way you saw fit, though.
Now where had he heard that before?
He listened for the baby, but kept his eyes on Lexi as she met with the women outside. One of the women handed her something then they waved and left. Apparently, they hadn’t come for the clinic. Lexi came back inside, beaming.
“That was so kind of them. Look at this. They heard that I had my baby and wanted to bring a gift.”
She showed him the colorful cloth with geometric designs in blue and orange.
“It’s how they carry their babies while they work. Like a sling. This will be so useful,” she said.
He knew what it was. He’d grown up in Kenya and had seen it being used often, but he didn’t point that out. She was happy and happy looked good on her. So did the gift.
“But you’re not carrying him in that sling while seeing patients. He could get exposed to stuff.”
“I won’t. I do have a brain and common sense, Chad. But when I’m just walking or washing clothes or taking inventory, I can keep him against me and have my hands free.”
It hit him that, apart from the fact that he’d look ridiculous in it, the sling would free up his hand while he carried the baby, too. Maybe, just maybe, he’d try it if he mustered up the courage to look silly.
“My mom said that Dalila, the woman who helped raise her and then me and my siblings, is willing to come out here to help until you find someone more permanent. And don’t argue that point—you do need help and a second set of eyes, especially for when the rains end and you start doing more off-site clinics. And then when the little guy starts walking. If he’s anything like I was as a toddler—”
He stopped his sentence short, not because he couldn’t compare all little boys to the handful he’d been, but because it seemed to emphasize the fact that Reth was more likely to be a mellow kid like his father had been than a rambunctious, hyperactive one like Chad had been.
“That’s so nice of her. I can’t stop saying thank you, but the fact of the matter is, I underestimated how much is involved in having a baby. I thought I could do all of this—living out here—alone, but now I understand why they say ‘it takes a village.’ Your family is so special, Chad. You’re lucky to have them. I’m so grateful for how nice they’ve all been to me.”
“We are a close family and a very, very big, extended family, too. You’ve yet to meet everyone. We tend to consider ‘friends’ and ‘family’ to be synonyms. Everyone is an aunt or uncle, blood-related or not,” he said.
“Someone always has your back.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” Chad nodded.
They were standing so close. He wanted to hold her. He brushed her hair from her forehead and tucked it behind her ear. She tipped her chin up, just as rain began splattering against the roof and the baby started crying. Lexi put her head against his chest and sighed.
“I swear it seems like I just fed him and changed him.”
“You did. I’ll burp him for you when you’re done.”
“First you make me eggs, then you volunteer for burp duty? What would I do without you?”
The rain picked up tempo as he watched her disappear into the room. What would she do if he returned to Nairobi and or even to the marines? What if she found out about the appointments he’d begun to schedule for next month, in the hopes of speeding his recovery and qualifying to reenlist? He had already spent more weeks out here than he’d originally planned. But searching for the poacher and finding that footstep had made him feel like he had a reason to live.
He’d also let himself fall for her, though, something he’d sworn he wouldn’t do. There was no future for him out here. He wasn’t a family man. He was a military man. Always had been, always would be.
Sure, he’d started off thinking he had no future in military service, but that wasn’t the case anymore. He wasn’t as incapable as he’d once thought, but that also meant he needed to do more. He didn’t want to be a burden to his parents. He needed to figure out his future and to contribute to society the way everyone in his family did, whether in saving children or saving elephants and other wildlife. Once a marine, always a marine. He came from a family of healers and warriors. A family of doers. The possibility that the marines might take him back made him feel like he’d regained a tiny part of himself.
But another part of him wanted Lexi in his life. And yet, if he stayed, was he even truly capable of keeping everyone safe? Or was he going to fall into the role of stay-at-home-dad at the clinic?
<
br /> Dad? Tony had to be looking down on him right now, furious as the thunder that kept growling and snapping at the sky. Chad needed to step back before he fell any further for Lexi and Reth. He couldn’t make her move, now that the immediate threat had passed and the fence was almost built. He now understood how critical it was for so many men, women and children to have access to this clinic.
And if she was safe, what need was there for him to be there? Why was he lingering? Once Taj and Jacey returned and Dalila arrived to help out, there’d really be no reason for him to stay. And if he did, how long would it take for him to get restless?
* * *
HAVING DALILA AROUND was beyond amazing. Lexi felt like she had a grandmother on top of being practically adopted into Chad’s family circle.
In just two days, they’d settled into a routine. The number one priority was making sure Baby Reth was watched like a hawk and never left alone. They traded duties. If Dalila was tending to him, Lexi either boiled cloth diapers or tended to anyone who made it out in the rain to the clinic. If Lexi was nursing or spending time with him, Dalila usually cooked up foods worthy of a five-star restaurant. Savory potato and pea stew, chapati done on an open fire, and everyone’s favorite, mandazi, the best doughnuts she’d ever had.
Chad seemed a little out of sorts and quiet lately. She hoped it was nothing more than the effect of the long, rainy days. He, Taj and Jacey, when not helping with patients, worked on adding a much needed second bathroom to the bungalow. It really did feel like home now. She didn’t think of it as simply the clinic anymore. It was their bungalow. Their home.
Taj was in Nairobi today. Jacey kept busy but if the way she kept checking the weather and chopper clearing was any indication, she couldn’t wait for him to return.
Chad was in his room trying to thread a sewing needle that he’d stuck partway into a potato. Lexi had suggested it as a way to improve his fine motor skills. It would help with his handwriting, too. The last time she’d walked past his door, though, he’d abandoned the needle and was doing curl-ups with a handheld weight. It was great to see how motivated he finally was in terms of physical recovery.