The Flow

by Effrosyni Moschoudi

  “You have?”

  He chuckled and raised his shoulders. “Actually, I happen to have a stronger feminine side than the average guy. I read a lot of books about relationships, some of them embarrassingly girlie, but don’t tell anybody I said that.” He winked. “It’s a secret.”

  Sofia tittered. “Lucky Loula, having such an educated man.” It was her turn to tease him with a jab in the ribs, and he took it with grace and a bright smile.

  “So, did the therapist help him at all?”

  “She thought he’s a big mess, which is true, and he’s still seeing her from what I know. He still despises his mother a lot, but I think when it comes to girls in general, he’s made progress. He no longer tries to catch everyone’s attention like before. He used to be a flirt machine, and it was like he was out there to get back on all women for what his mother did to him. He just thrived on breaking the girls’ hearts. But whenever he met someone he liked a lot, he’d cringe inside, then eventually panic and vanish, never to be seen again.”

  “Like how he acted with me?”

  “Exactly. Believe me, I’ve seen it play out so many times before my eyes in all the years I’ve known him, that it’s been like watching the same movie again and again, except with a different actress every time. Still, in your case, he acted the most scared and the most evasive he’s ever been.”

  “And you think this means something?”

  “Of course. Trust me. If you made him run for his life, he must have very serious feelings for you.”

  “It all sounds so preposterous though, so backward . . .”

  “But it makes sense in a way, doesn’t it?”

  “I guess so. In a crazy way. I don’t know much about these things, but if you say you do . . .”

  “Trust me, it’s as plain as day.”

  Sofia smiled, then splashed her feet in the water for a while without speaking. The sound reached her ears like a happy old song she’d been longing to hear. The corners of her mouth curled up, seemingly by their own accord, and she turned to face Steve and smile at him brightly. The huge weight lifted off her shoulders, and it felt like a boulder she’d been carrying for too long.

  As if guessing her thoughts, Steve gave a deep sigh of relief and smiled back at her all the way to his ears. “You see now, Sofia, why I wanted to talk to you?”

  “Does he have a girlfriend now?”

  “Are you serious? Considering what a big mess his head still is, I expect that if he dared get a serious girlfriend at this point, his therapist would beat him with a stick.”

  Sofia giggled. “Do you think I stand a chance with him when I move to Brighton?”

  “I’ll be honest with you. Danny still has a long way to go. But now that you’re aware, perhaps you’ll have better luck with him next time.”

  Sofia leaned over towards him and gave him a bear hug, her heart brimming with gratitude. “Thank you, thank you so much, Steve. I owe you a lot.”

  “No, Sofia, it was I who owed you the truth. Now you know all about his mother and his problems, I feel better. Now you know what you have to deal with. Show persistence with him, and you never know.”

  Persistence. There was that word again. And of course, it rang true in Sofia’s heart as she nodded firmly to the sound of it. Last year, when she visited Mrs Korina with Loula, that clairvoyant in Messi, she had spoken also of persistence. Steve had just given her the same advice. And since it came along with the first visit from The Lady after many months, it all began to make sense. The Lady was back to guide her again. Sofia was being given another chance. And this one, she was determined not to miss.

  “Come, Sofia,” burst out Steve then, breaking her reverie. “Let’s get back to the others. I’ll say my quick goodbyes and then, I must be off!”

  Chapter 23

  January, 1939

  On New Year’s Day, Charles didn’t make an appearance at the Pavilion after the late show. He sent James to give Laura a ride home and made an excuse that he had to entertain some impromptu guests at Lakeview. However, early the following morning he paid her a visit.

  “How are you this morning, dear?” he asked when he sat on the sofa beside her. Although there was nothing amiss about the way he’d addressed her, Laura couldn’t help noticing he seemed tense somehow. Also, she wondered why he hadn’t referred to the baby, like he always had.

  “I’m fine, thank you, Charles, we are both fine.” She fixed him with a meaningful gaze that posed a direct question.

  He took the hint; it was evident in the way he pursed his lips, but instead of commenting he looked away, alarming her.

  “What’s the matter, Charles? You seem preoccupied.”

  “It’s nothing, my lovely; just that I’ve been thinking . . .” He darted a glance at her, then looked away again.

  “Thinking about what?”

  “It seems to me that we have rushed things somewhat,” he replied with a sigh. He finally managed to gaze at her then, in a manner that made her apprehension even more palpable.

  “What do you mean? You don’t want to be with me any more?” she asked, trying not to sound alarmed. She put a protective hand over her stomach and thought this was crazy. She didn’t even love the man. She wouldn’t normally care at all if he were to break up with her. If she ever had a chance on happiness, she’d lost it forever. Yet, she needed him for the baby’s sake. He would give it a name and security.

  “Perish the thought! You know I love you, Laura,” he confessed, taking her hands in his.

  Laura was taken aback by the fervour of his response but wasn’t sure how to receive it. Partly, she was relieved the baby would have a father after all; and yet once more it gnawed at her, the torturing thought that he’d never set her free. She gave an uneasy sigh. “What’s the matter, then?”

  “I was merely thinking, perhaps having a baby so soon could put a strain on our relationship. Maybe we should give it some time living together as a couple, get to know each other first—”

  “What on earth are you implying?” she exclaimed, removing her hands from his tender grasp. She shifted her weight and turned in her seat, to look him squarely in the eyes.

  Charles put up his hands. “Calm down, dear. No need to get upset now, I’m only saying—”

  “You don’t want the baby?”

  His eyes travelled down to her belly, over which she’d placed both her hands, as if aiming to protect the foetus from the very sound of the words. He felt sorry then but knew he couldn’t afford to back down. “I’m only saying that there are people who could fix this for us . . .”

  “What exactly are you suggesting?”

  “You know what I mean, Laura . . .”

  “No, Charles! Say it! If you have the gall to suggest this to me, then speak clearly!” Her eyes were ablaze with indignation.

  “We never planned for this pregnancy, Laura! Perhaps we embraced the idea of a child too soon. We are both young; we can do this later, can't we?”

  “There is a life growing inside me, Charles! What you’re implying would be murder!”

  “Don’t be so dramatic! It’s not a baby yet, Laura! There’s nothing wrong with abortion!”

  “What? How dare you?”

  “Calm down, woman!” he said throwing his hands in the air. “We’re only making conversation, for God’s sake. You’re being unreasonable about the whole thing!”

  “Unreasonable?” she yelled jolting upright, and this is when it dawned on her. He didn’t want the baby, he never did. All he’d wanted, right from the start, was to tie her down, to get her to marry him. Now that she had agreed to it, the baby didn’t matter at all. She cast him a fiery glance, heavy with scorn. “Charles, I’m only going to say this once, so you’d better pay attention. This . . .” she pointed to her stomach, “Is not a thing you can just get rid of. This is my child! And I’m going to have it, with or without you! If you’re not happy with that, then I’m sure you can find your way out!” she added coldly, pointing at th
e door.

  “All right.” He stood up and put up his hands. “I was only saying we ought to think about it.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not sure this is good timing, that’s all.”

  “If you don’t want the baby, then I can't make you. And now, I suggest you leave; but I don’t just mean leave the house.” She tipped her chin and threw him an icy stare. She seemed stiff, like a marble statue, but inwardly she felt as fluid as water. Her heart ached to burst into song. This is it! This is my way out!

  She’d finally found a way to break up with Charles, and she had a solid reason he could appreciate. This wasn’t a blow to his pride like before. There was no other man claiming her now. When he met her eyes, she tried to conceal her hope. This has to work! It didn’t matter if the baby was not going to have a father after all. It deserved better than a father who didn’t want it to live.

  “Laura, please hear me!”

  “I’m not listening, Charles! This is quite simple. We want different things. Surely you don’t expect me to marry you if you don’t want the baby?”

  “It’s not just about the baby, though,” he said, thinking he might as well tell her everything now, now that his father had cornered him the way he had.

  “What? What else can there be?”

  “We got carried away, Laura. The baby and the pressure of getting married because of it . . . Why can't we just be together without any of that?”

  “What? Marrying me is also an issue? But it was you who suggested it in the first place!”

  “I know, but it was a hasty decision because of your pregnancy. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

  “You gave me this!” she said, lifting up one hand to point at the large diamond ring on her middle finger. She pulled it off, and it fell to the floor. He bent over to pick it up, then offered it to her in his open palm, but she averted her eyes.

  “Surely, you can't expect me to take it back after what you just said?”

  “I’m only saying to take things slowly,” he said, slipping the ring in his coat pocket.

  “So this wasn’t just about the baby. You came here today to tell me you don’t want to marry me either.”

  “Frankly? Not any more. But don’t get me wrong. I do want to be with you—”

  “But not as your wife! Not as the mother of your children! What did you have in mind exactly for me? You expect me to keep sleeping with you while you have no intention to make an honest woman out of me eventually?”

  “I’m not saying I’ll never marry you. Just that we rushed into a decision to marry because of the baby. This is why I’m suggesting the abortion. Please understand, darling,” he said reaching out to touch her arm, but she pulled it away, disgusted.

  “So all this time, you were pretending you were happy to make plans for a family?”

  “Not at first! As I said, I got carried away, but I do love you—”

  “Save it, please! It is clear to me that we’re looking for different things. Perhaps you should go now.”

  “Please don’t do this, Laura . . .”

  “Go! Get out now! I can't believe I let go of my one true love, in order to do as you ask!”

  “What! You bring him up at this hour?” he snapped, raising his voice.

  “Why not? He’s a hundred times a better man than you’ll ever be. He’d never let me down like this. He’d never ask me to get rid of an innocent baby!”

  “Don’t you speak of him! And don’t you dare judge me!”

  “Or what?” Her eyes twinkled with defiance when he took a step towards her, but she didn’t flinch in the slightest. If anything, she looked mad with rage, as if she were about to turn into a hungry beast and devour him alive. She didn’t fear him any more. He had no hold on her, and she had nothing left to lose.

  “That’s right,” she said when he bent his head down, defeated. “You can't hurt Christian any more! He’s gone! And although there isn't a day that passes by when I don’t hold the thought in my mind like a knife stabbing at my heart, I’m glad he’s no longer within your evil reach! It also means that I’m free now! I’m not afraid of you any more! Get out of my house! I don’t want to ever see you again!”

  “Please Laura . . . I can't be without you,” he pleaded, and she saw heartache on his face.

  “You pitiful, deranged little man!” she spat at him, rage rising in her like a mighty storm, like the forceful coming of a tornado. “I should never have let you in my life! If you weren’t so darn sick I would despise you, I would hate you! But you know, all I feel for you is pity! You need to be locked up somewhere, and if you have a morsel of logic left in your head, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll let it happen for your own sake. Get out! Get out of my sight!” she shouted and this time, he obeyed.

  As he walked out of the room she held her breath until she heard the sound of the front door closing shut. The sound rang in her ears like church bells of celebration, like trumpets of victory sounding over battle fields of irreversible losses.

  ***

  “And you sent him away? Just like that?” scoffed Maggie. She’d barely come through the door from work when Laura broke the news.

  “Yes, he was quite pitiful,” she replied, a triumphant glint in her eyes.

  Maggie shook her head. “I can understand if he changed his mind about the baby. This could cause panic to most single men. But to back down on marrying you too? I thought he was mad about you. That’s unbelievable!”

  “What’s not to believe? Clearly, the man has bats in the belfry.” She shrugged. “Who cares? I’m finally free.” She took a deep, easy breath and heaved a long sigh. This felt wonderful.

  “What are you going to do now?”

  “I’m going to have the baby of course! And then, as soon as I’m able, I’ll start performing again. I make good money; the baby and I will be all right on our own.” She jutted out her chin.

  “I don’t mean that, Laura . . . I mean, what are you going to do now that you’re free from this vile man?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “For heaven’s sake! I’m talking about Christian.”

  Laura tilted her head. “Surely, you’re not suggesting . . .”

  “He’d come running if he found out! You could write to him and explain.”

  “But it’s too late now, don’t you see?”

  “But you love each other! It’s never too late!”

  “Maggie, I’m going to have Charles’s baby! It’s hardly a motive to get Christian to come running! Besides, what could stop Charles from hurting him, if he were to return to Brighton?”

  “Oh, I hadn’t thought of that,” said Maggie chewing at a fingernail. A moment later, her eyes lit up. “But what if you were to go to the farm instead?”

  “Are you serious? Who says he’ll want the baby even then? And I don’t think he could ever forgive me. Too much has happened . . . I’ve caused him too much pain, Maggie.”

  “Please let me write to Eric about it in my next letter. Let me just tell him everything . . . I’ll explain what’s happened with Charles from that dreadful night at the castle onwards. Then, Christian can take it as he wants. It’s the truth; it needs to be said, Laura! And who knows? It might grant you happiness at last.”

  “Maggie, I can't let you do that. Christian has gone to the farm to run away from all this. To settle down and make a new life for himself. I can't let you drag him back into the pain and introduce him to all this ugliness that I’ve tried desperately to save him from. I’ve lost him now; it’s too late, don’t you see? I’ve come to accept that. I’ve made my mistakes, and now I must learn to live with them. Don’t make it harder for me, please! From what Eric writes, we know he and Christian are happy now. Why change that? Why reveal the dreadful truth? And what if Christian becomes enraged and returns to seek revenge from Charles? Don’t you see? It would put him at risk! I can't let him get hurt, I just can't! If he came to any harm, I would die! Charles is out of his mind, he’s capable of anything!�
�� Laura’s voice quivered with fear at the very thought that Christian could ever be anything but safe.

  “All right, I’m sorry . . . I promise I won't say a word. Now calm down, my sweetheart.” Maggie opened up her arms to invite her friend into her embrace. Laura’s eyes welled up and she nestled in Maggie’s arms feeling exhausted; like a frail little bird. She rested her head on her shoulder, and Maggie caressed her hair. Not another word needed to be said.

  There was no way Laura could redeem herself in Christian’s eyes unless she put him at risk. Now, it was clear to them both.

  Chapter 24

  Despite Laura’s initial apprehension, by the time March came, it looked like Charles was out of her life for good. For two months, he hadn’t visited the house or the theatre and hadn’t even called once on the telephone. By now, she allowed herself to believe it was finally over. These days, she was confined to the house and hardly saw anyone except for Maggie and Mrs Beesley from next door.

  Being five months pregnant, she was no longer performing. Other than reading and listening to the wireless, she also filled her days in the way her mother used to: with cooking and doing a bit of gardening while Maggie worked. Having no source of income, she had to live off her generous savings now but somehow, her expenses had diminished. This was all because of Maggie, who refused to charge her rent and what’s more, she did most of the food shopping on her own now, refusing to let Laura pay her share. To Maggie, Laura was no longer a friend but the sister she never had, and she saw fit to protect and provide for her selflessly. To each other, they were all the family they had.

  It was strange how much they had in common. Both of them had lost their fathers at an early age and their mothers had also both died from an illness. Last, neither of the girls had any siblings. Somehow, these similarities had bonded them closer and closer as time progressed. There was nothing one wouldn’t do for the other.